I think I need help...

[Maelstrom]

I have been lurking here for awhile now, and I felt like I needed to post. to get some other peoples opinions about what should be my next course of action. (The info)
First off I'm probably gay 90% sure. I keep trying to talk myself out of this one, I don't want it, I didn't choose it, and I can't deal with it. But it isn't a choice though is it?
Nobody knows, I am very good at bottling stuff up. But I can't do it any more so here I am. (I'll keep this short)
I got very suicidal over this weekend. I can't pinpoint a trigger but it was bad, much worse then the usual. I actually checked to make sure I could put my shotgun under my chin and pull the trigger, (I can...) Now this scared me quite a bit, so came on here looking for help. I found several events and it helped me out. reading other peoples stories and knowing that I'm not the only one who has contemplated it. But I can't talk to my friends, they are homophobic and don't understand it. I would lose them for sure. I Tried talking to my parents about depression but they blew it off saying that it was just stress. I need to just get through it, be a tough guy. I cant come out to them, It would kill my dad (He would prolly drink himself to death)
By the way I probably won't do myself in but I am worried next time logic wont save me. I seem to be calmer now not happy but calmer. I would say more but making this too long scares people away.
So my question is after this little episode (not the first one) Do I seek professional help? I seem to be moderately ok right now. I have health insurance. I am afraid of the repercussions of seeking help.
I plan on letting a friend hold onto my guns for awhile. I think this is a good idea no?
I currently don't trust myself enough right now To have them available.
Or is this something I just need to muscle through?
I feel this is a good group of people, I have seen this help others I am hoping that it will help me too thank you all for reading. Don't worry i wont do anything brash. I will come back. I'm just alone...

 

[Jerry]

You are NOT alone.

I went through the same things when I was trying to deny who I was. It took me years to finally be able to accept that I'm gay, and I still don't really like to say it.

I had many thoughts of suicide over the years, but thankfully I never acted on them. If you think you need to store your guns at a friend's house for a while, then go ahead and do it. It's not a sign of weakness, it's a very responsible thing to do.

Not sure if you drink, but keep that down for a while too.

There are MANY MANY people who have gone through the same struggle you're going through. I HATED the thoughts I had about other guys. I didn't want to be gay, and I would've done almost anything to make it just go away. But it didn't go away, and it's probably not going to go away for you either.

You don't have any friends who might be accepting? What about your Mom? I told my Mom but my dad still has no clue. Maybe that won't work for you, but until you can find someone to confide in, you can always come here to vent. And I'm here to help if I can, just shoot me a PM.



Hang in there man

 

[crowboy]

I have been lurking here for awhile now, and I felt like I needed to post. to get some other peoples opinions about what should be my next course of action. (The info)
First off I'm probably gay 90% sure. I keep trying to talk myself out of this one, I don't want it, I didn't choose it, and I can't deal with it. But it isn't a choice though is it?
Nobody knows, I am very good at bottling stuff up. But I can't do it any more so here I am. (I'll keep this short)
I got very suicidal over this weekend. I can't pinpoint a trigger but it was bad, much worse then the usual. I actually checked to make sure I could put my shotgun under my chin and pull the trigger, (I can...) Now this scared me quite a bit, so came on here looking for help. I found several events and it helped me out. reading other peoples stories and knowing that I'm not the only one who has contemplated it. But I can't talk to my friends, they are homophobic and don't understand it. I would lose them for sure. I Tried talking to my parents about depression but they blew it off saying that it was just stress. I need to just get through it, be a tough guy. I cant come out to them, It would kill my dad (He would prolly drink himself to death)
By the way I probably won't do myself in but I am worried next time logic wont save me. I seem to be calmer now not happy but calmer. I would say more but making this too long scares people away.
So my question is after this little episode (not the first one) Do I seek professional help? I seem to be moderately ok right now. I have health insurance. I am afraid of the repercussions of seeking help.
I plan on letting a friend hold onto my guns for awhile. I think this is a good idea no?
I currently don't trust myself enough right now To have them available.
Or is this something I just need to muscle through?
I feel this is a good group of people, I have seen this help others I am hoping that it will help me too thank you all for reading. Don't worry i wont do anything brash. I will come back. I'm just alone...

Please do seek help.

Reading your post it is evident that you are struggling to deal with things but you've recognized that you need help. Since you recognize that please do that. Please.

There are good people here and they can be of help and offer support and advice, but I feel you need more. Please look for a phone number or contact details of support organizations etc and call or contact them.

Do get rid of the guns. Again you know the right thing to do. Do it.

I do hope you seek help.

Remember you are not alone.

 

[Fishstix]

Very important to get rid of the guns. You may have bad nights where it's really dangerous to keep around but wake up the next morning and be relieved that you didn't do anything. I've had nights like that and I don't own a gun, if I did then I might not be here today. I hung in there with hope for the future and my life is a lot better than it used to be. You can do it too! Check out support groups, suicide hotlines and if you can, move to a new state or area where people are more open minded.

Hang in there and things will get better over time. If things ever get too bad, you could always move to somewhere else and start over. Please don't kill yourself, you only get one life.

 

[Seasoned]

Seek help and soon, please. We don't want to lose you. Get rid of the guns, even if it's just temporary. It can be a crushing burden finding out or admitting that one is gay. It can seem unfair in these early stages of acceptance/denial. It may seem that you are alone. Know that you are not. It is not an illness. It is the way a person is wired. Stay safe when coming out to others, but, hopefully, you'll be surprised by reactions along the way. Keep coming back here. You have friends and support. And don't toughen ANYTHING out, if there is an alternative.

 

[spencer]

There NO reprocussions for seeking help. It either doesn't help you or it will help you.

On the other hand, reprocussions on not seeking help pretty much makes it a lot harder.

Please go seek help and please keep us posted.

 

[Maelstrom]

Thank you all for such encouraging words. The nicest things I have heard in a looong time
I'm storing the guns at a friends house tonight. I just cant trust myself right now. I loath myself and I know I shouldn't. I know it is biological and that there is nothing wrong with it but I have tried all my life to just fit in a little better and I know that I will never be able to do that anymore. I'm 23 in college and the hate and anger is still there. I should be enjoying life but It is just so dark at times, I just bottle it up and keep busy, well now that isn't working.
It doesn't help that I am atheist and gay that's a double whammy for bigoted hate to come forth from people. I think my lack of belief in anything has kept me alive thus far. I know it is irrational to believe that suicide is an answer but when I get like this it seems to be a viable alternative to what is going on currently. The mind plays cruel tricks on you.
I want help But i don't want my parents to find out, where do I go who should I talk to? If i get help will it be in my record that I'm insane/ suicidal? I just need to deal with this invovling as little people as possible.
Thank you all for your responses I"m still here and not so alone

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB! First, let's take care of the immediate concerns first.

Yes, give your guns to a friend. Even though you don't think it'll come to that, the fact that you even tried it makes it at least a distant threat, so go ahead and throw sand on that fire immediately.

Next, do you need professional help? It sounds like it might be a good idea. You might not be ready for it, though. A lot of people think seeing a psychiatrist is some big horrible secret that the family will never live down. But think about it for a minute. You've presumably had physical ailments in the past. You've gotten bad colds, or broken a leg. And when that happens, you don't pretend everything is all right. You take to bed, or get a cast and some crutches. You don't hide this information from everybody. You don't shove the crutches behind the couch when company comes over, and gamely hobble around and hope nobody notices. You just use the crutches, people ask "What happened?", you say "I broke my leg", life goes on.

Your brain is part of your body. And like every other part, sometimes it doesn't work quite right. And when that happens, the correct procedure isn't to pretend everything is all right. It's to go treat the problem. You might not feel comfortable telling everybody what's going on, and that's fine. But it's best to be proactive about it.

Now about what you're feeling. You think you're gay. Hey, we've all been there. None of us signed up for that whole homosexuality thing. And you can't talk yourself out of it anymore than you can talk yourself out of being five feet tall. Being gay isn't a choice.

But - and this is extremely important - being gay isn't a curse, either.

It might feel like it right now. Like if only you were straight, everything would be so much better. But the problem isn't that you're gay. The problem is that you're gay in (apparently) a homophobic environment, and there's a huge difference.

Let me go back to the height thing to explain. Say your whole family is short. Like really short. Four feet tall. And your whole house is built to reflect that. Then there's you. Six feet tall. Banging your head against doorways, scraping your head against the ceiling, curled up in your too-small chair at the dinner table, and trying to fit into those tiny beds at night. Life would pretty much suck. And you might think "If only I were shorter, life would be so much better." But the problem isn't that you're tall. It's that you're tall and living in a small house. And since you can't do anything about your height, the best thing to do is do something about your surroundings. To wit - find yourself a place where a six-foot tall guy can live without having to contort himself.

Likewise, being gay isn't the problem. Being gay in a homophobic environment is. Every anti-gay comment is metaphorically placing you in a tiny bed. Making your life very uncomfortable. And the solution is the same. Get yourself to a better place. One where you can be yourself. Coming here was a great first step.

So what's next? Start accepting it. Hang out here a bit, chat with some of us, get to know us. Because as you get used to "the whole gay" thing, it'll start feeling less like a burden. If you pretty sure you're gay, jump right in. Stare in the mirror every morning and say "I'm gay". Keep saying it each morning until it doesn't sound like you're confessing a God-awful secret. Say it until you can say it like you'd mention your birthday or address. Because that's all it is. A fact, a datum, a bit of information about you.

Your family and friends I wouldn't worry about right now. You can handle them later. As far as your friends go, though, I'll plant this seed now and let it grow a bit. Were I to go to each of your friends and ask "So why are you friends with Mael?", I'd probably get a range of answers. "He's fun." "He likes the same stuff I do." "He's always got my back." But I bet not a single one would say "I like him because he's straight." If these guys are your friends - REALLY your friends - your friendship will be more important than their homophobia. There may be a period of adjustment for them once they find out. Some might end up a bit more distant than they were, and yes, you might lose some. But any friends you lose by coming out aren't worth keeping. Seriously.

Don't fret about that too much right now. Best concentrate squarely on YOU right now. Getting YOU to a better spot. If you know a place where you can see a therapist, and you feel up to it, go ahead and make an appointment. Since you say you're at college, that's the perfect place to start. I think every school has a therapist or psychiatrist on staff. Keep my whole routine about "the brain is just a part of the body" in mind - it'll help, I think. The same way you'd call up your doctor and say "Hi, my knee is giving me issues, and I'd like to see you about it", you'll be saying "Hi, I've been having some issues with depression lately, and I'd like to see someone about it". Exactly the same deal. And no, there's no "permanent record". Maybe the military could dredge it up, but employers and random folks can't.

We're here to help. Let us know if you've got more questions. If you'd rather talk one-on-one with someone, feel free to click my name to the left there, and select "send a private message to G-Lexington". Either way, I think we can help get you to a better spot.

Lex

 

[Jerry]

You WILL be able to fit in man, trust me. I fit in just fine for years before I came out.

It sucks not being able to be open about your sexuality, but if it will cause such great problems for you then maybe it's best for you to stay in the closet until you feel it's the right time. On the other hand, you might just be surprised by how accepting people really can be.

I just recently (like past couple weeks) came out to a few people and it was surprisingly easy and made me feel so much better. I have some very homophobic friends too, so I know how hard that can be. I just told my Mom and 3 friends, and that's all the people I'm telling for now. It just feels good to have someone else know.

I went through several 'stages' when growing up and coming to terms with my sexuality. I was in the same stage you're in once, and as I remember things, it was the worst. I had a really hard time with it all for a while, and I didn't have anyone to turn to. It was really rough.

But life goes on man, and things get better. I promise you, it won't be like this forever. And don't worry about being labeled for getting help. Your records are confidential, and all anyone might ever know is that you sought help and you got it. People seek counseling ALL THE TIME, it's really not that big of a deal. Actually, it's a good thing. You had some issues and you did the responsible thing. That's something you can feel GOOD about later, not ashamed.

And of course, you have people here who are more than willing to help you out.

 

[TX-Beau]

Get on the net and find a help line. If you can't, find a gay community center in the nearest big city and find someone to talk to.

No one can help you but yourself. Take the initiative and remember that you are in charge of your own life, so help yourself.

Everyone in here will try to help you with that. It's your life, your choice. Your first responsibility is to yourself.

 

[Fishstix]

I forgot what the exact percentage was but I read somewhere that guns owned by people are about 42 times more likely to harm the gun owner, a family member, or close friends than it is to be used for self defense. Get rid of it, it's more likely to kill you than protect you. Especially in your situation.

 

[Maelstrom]

I have known for awhile (since 13) of what i was, that I wasn't normal. This isn't the first time for serious suicidal thoughts either. Just the closest one to completion. I know that this sexuality thing shouldn't be this big of a deal but, I can't help it. To me my life would be so much better if I was just straight. then I could work on lesser issues like self esteem and introvert behaviors. Lol

g-lex - I will try to see a counselor at the college Tuesday or Wednesday. maybe I just have depression issues. You seem to be very knowledgeable in this area. I thank you for that and your willingness to share it.

milboy - Thanks I will be able to fit in. I just know that as soon as I tell anyone that it wont be the same ever again. Even though I haven't changed, to them I would be. just kind of disheartening. Knowing that friendships that have spanned most of your life will end if you mutter 2 words.

All my guns are at a friends house, I told him to keep them for awhile. He didn't ask any questions.

Thank you one and all
I will keep you guys updated as I go through this phase/stage
I work and go to school so my post times will be delayed don't panic

 

[TX-Beau]

There's nothing abnormal about being gay.

There's your first issue.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Maelstrom,

First off mate, welcome aboard... its great to have you here at JUB!!!

If its ok I'll just go through your first post a little bit...

First off I'm probably gay 90% sure. I keep trying to talk myself out of this one, I don't want it, I didn't choose it, and I can't deal with it. But it isn't a choice though is it?

Nobody knows, I am very good at bottling stuff up. But I can't do it any more so here I am. (I'll keep this short)

No mate its not a choice... but in the beginning that doesnt make it easier in knowing that... some how in our minds we can twist it around enough to seem like it is our fault. Talking about it will make that clear to you soon enough.

The thing that you haven't yet realised is that you can deal with it... thats what you are doing right now. You just took the hardest step... the first one.

I got very suicidal over this weekend. I can't pinpoint a trigger but it was bad, much worse then the usual. I actually checked to make sure I could put my shotgun under my chin and pull the trigger, (I can...) Now this scared me quite a bit, so came on here looking for help.

I'm glad that you are here... and I'm glad you decided that the harder way was the better way... that says more about you than you realise. Asking for help takes strength and courage... its never an easy thing to do when you feel so vulnerable. Dont dismiss the importance and courage of that decision.

I found several events and it helped me out. reading other peoples stories and knowing that I'm not the only one who has contemplated it. But I can't talk to my friends, they are homophobic and don't understand it. I would lose them for sure. I Tried talking to my parents about depression but they blew it off saying that it was just stress.

No, you arent the first, or will you be the last... and understanding the fear that you have is almost universal can be a comfort weirdly. The fact like so many others you have decided to deal and confront the issue also puts you in some amazing company.

The next step for you is to also realise that so many of us also felt the same about our friends and parents, only to discover that the power of love is an incredible thing. Now that might sound like something out a greeting card mate, but the bond between good friends, parents and siblings is incredibly strong.

Dont let yourself get caught up in the horror stories. This board is full of amazing families and friends who stand by their loved ones despite us feeling like they would push us away. Read through some of the threads mate and focus on the good news not the bad.

I need to just get through it, be a tough guy. I cant come out to them, It would kill my dad (He would prolly drink himself to death)

Yes you do need to get through is... but being the tough guy in the way you picture it right now isnt it. Being strong enough to ask for help has meant you already crossed that line. Tough comes in a lot of shapes and sizes.

And even though its feels like the least most likely thing right now, you will come out to your parents... and it wont kill your dad. Get yourself right first and thats a certainty.

By the way I probably won't do myself in but I am worried next time logic wont save me. I seem to be calmer now not happy but calmer. I would say more but making this too long scares people away.

No you wont, with us here theres no need to. And you wont scare us away either.

So my question is after this little episode (not the first one) Do I seek professional help?I seem to be moderately ok right now. I have health insurance.

Yes you do... with out question. Seeking the advice of someone with experience is the same as attending a lecture at college, or asking a teacher at school, or even questioning your parents as you grew about things that you didnt know or understand.

We arent born with all the answers, about this or any number of things. Dont let the stigma or sense of weakness overpower your desire to get better. Knowledge is a powerful tool in letting you become the happy incredible guy you can be... and thats what you'll receive... the benefit of knowledge and experience. Experience gained from helping people just like you. You wont get lectured or frowned upon... you'll get the tools to become the real happy amazing you.

I am afraid of the repercussions of seeking help.

What repercussions? Talk this out... try and explain it to either yourself (out loud) or us. The easiest trap to fall into is to believe your own fears... and yet when you are challenged or have to explain them logically they tend to diminish. You've lived in your own head with this for so long its become a one sided argument... its not.

I plan on letting a friend hold onto my guns for awhile. I think this is a good idea no? I currently don't trust myself enough right now To have them available.
Or is this something I just need to muscle through?

Do what feels right to you... its time to listen to your heart. Your guns arent the issue... your fear is. And you are on the way to kicking that to the kerb!

I feel this is a good group of people, I have seen this help others I am hoping that it will help me too thank you all for reading. Don't worry i wont do anything brash. I will come back. I'm just alone...

Yes it is and no your not.

This group is made up of guys just like you mate. Some at the beginning of your journey like you, some part way theirs, some almost complete, and others who have made it through.

Its through your post, through opening your heart that you finally feel part of something, you finally feel like you might belong and that things might be ok. Its a lesson that can take a while for us to understand... but to let others in, to let someone help, means taking the risk to open yourself up. Its easy to give back when you let others know that you are hurting.

Maelstrom, being gay isnt a life sentence or a curse. Its just another layer to you... no different to your sense of humor, your morals and values, your smile or your eye colour. Its a piece of an incredibly unique and complex puzzle that makes you who you are.

You've made some incredible progress here mate... feel proud of that. Feel a sense of pride at the strength it took to open this door, and use it to walk on through to the next step. Make that appointment today to see your college counselor... make it happen... do it for yourself right now.

They are discrete and confidential... your business will be yours alone. And remember, your story is one they've heard before... not one you need be ashamed of.

Sorry for the length of this reply, but its important to understand that these guys here will do anything they can to help and support you. Lex's offer comes from the heart and one I can promise you he is sincere and genuine about... its one we all offer up if it helps.

We look forward to you sharing your journey with us mate... welcome to the family!

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>g-lex - I will try to see a counselor at the college Tuesday or Wednesday. maybe I just have depression issues. You seem to be very knowledgeable in this area. I thank you for that and your willingness to share it.

Perhaps you do. And perhaps they're intruding on your self-discovery of your sexuality. But either way, I'd say it's worth going and finding out.

And yes, I'm speaking from experience. I've had two bouts of depression - one in 1994, and one last year. And last year's was the one where I really said "You know what? I'm not going to pretend everything is OK. I'm gonna treat this like I would a medical issue." And that made things infinitely easier. I told everybody. Well, not like flagging down strangers in the street and saying "Hi, I'm depressed", but my friends knew, my family knew, my co-workers knew. And they were all great. They asked how I was doing, they were encouraging and supportive. And I think that's how it's supposed to be. Depression sucks enough without throwing on the added weight of trying to hide it or putting on a false facade.

Lex

 

[blackbeltninja]

Maelstrom

We all know where you're coming from. Some of us have been through it all already and are finally where we want to be. Others of us - and I'm one of them - are just like you and still figuring out what it means to us and to those around us and are not yet comfortable in our skins and still take each day as it comes. To a lesser or greater degree we still need to accept it and start understanding that it will all be okay in the end.

But you're not alone. Good luck on your journey. I hope you're around in here for many years to come.

-d-

 

[Maelstrom]

I figure ill update this as much as is reasonable.

First of thank you for all the replies and advice. I am doing better. I'm not fine but I'm not awful either. Talking with people on this board has helped a lot.

I have been in contact with G-Lex and others. I will be seeing a Doctor today or tomorrow. Depending on whether they can fit me in or not.

I really didn't want this to be my first thread. But I was truly freaked out and I didn't know an alternative course of action. I didn't know what I wanted by posting. I wasn't trying to put on a show or look for pity. Maybe just a confirmation that I'm not the only one like this.

I don't regret it though (everyone has been unbelievably understanding and helpful) I just wish my introduction was under better lighter circumstances.

Lol you can tell me to shut up at any point. I just feel an obligation to let people know what is happening. I will keep updating until some one tells me to stop.

Later,

 

[G-Lexington]

You're not posting here as some sort of beauty contestant. You posted here because you needed help. And you're getting it. And that kicks ass. All of us need help from time to time, and it's best to just get it than to pretend otherwise.

Let me speak for the rest of JUB by saying no one's gonna judge you because you asked for help right off the bat. It really isn't important in the slightest. But if it's bothering you, know you can always just delete his account once you're in a better spot, start a new one, and no one's the wiser.

Lex

 

[blackbeltninja]

Lol you can tell me to shut up at any point. I just feel an obligation to let people know what is happening. I will keep updating until some one tells me to stop.

No. Keep updating until you want to stop.

-d-

 

[ibill1]

I'm so glad you are seeking help in this situation. Many posters have said they have been in the same situation so I wanted to offer a little different perspective to help you understand that you can have a beautiful life just the same. I actually fell deeply in love at 17 before coming out, which I never actually did. We spent 33 yrs. together before his passing.

When i met Steve in the early 70's it was much more difficult than it is today. Once we knew we were meant for each other, everyone else just knew. We were in college for 5 yrs. and would spend holidays at each others house. It was pretty obvious we were always together and people just knew. I was out on the front porch of my family home when we were there for Christmas one year. I was having a cigarette alone and my dad came out. We got to talking and he just looked at me and said, "You love him don't you". I said yes and he said, "Me too, like my 6th son". That was it. No drama nothing.

Love was my coming out vehicle that just took me for the ride. You are young and this can happen for you. If you can, try to find a gay center where you can meet other men and realize you are not alone. You are a normal young man that just happens to have the wonderful ability to love other men. I see it as a gift, I wouldn't have it any other way. I understand I'm much older and had a pretty easy time of it because I spent most of my adult life in love with the same man.

I just wanted you to know that there are those of us who have had successful careers and relationships and accepting and living your life as a gay man can be rewarding and not a death sentence.

I wish you all the best and please, keep your appointment with the Doc and see if he can help you find your path. Good luck my friend.