I think I need help...

[Maelstrom]

Hey everyone thanks for the words of encouragement! It truly means a lot. I hope that other people in trouble can read this, see that they are not alone, then get help. That is the current goal now anyways.

Telling my parents was plain scary, I had no idea how they would react. But I decided that if they couldn't deal with it then I didn't need to be there anymore, and I would move out. But I had to make that decision before I told them. Actually my padre had an interesting response, he said, " Really? you are? huh... I guess I can't say that is Soo gay anymore can I?

Everyone is fighting their own battles, this happens to be mine currently.

I now feel good about myself, and my family (who were the LAST people I thought would accept me) had no problem at all with my being Gay. In fact, my Mom cried and wished I had told her when I was young, I could have saved myself so much pain.

This is exactly what my mother said/did. I'm sorry you went through that. But it is great that you are content with yourself now. I'm hoping to get there, I'm working at it but it isn't quick or easy. But you know that.

As to coming out to everyone? Well, a few friends and my parents know. People who simply don't need to know, don't. That's all there's to it. "I" feel good. That's what counts. The only difference now is that if someone flat out asks me if I'm gay, I'll answer "yes", and feel fine about it.

I want to get there but I'm not that comfortable yet, I still wish I wasn't what I am but it wont change. So I better learn to live with it.

Thanks everyone I will keep updating as things improve, It is a bit sporadic though.
Thanks guys you all deserve
Later, Maelstrom

 

[Audio Tech]

Congrats on the first step.

As to not wishing you are gay? Yeah.... been there. The trick isn't to learn to live with it, as you have been all along. The key here is to just ACCEPT yourself as who you ARE.

The rest falls into place.

 

[G-Lexington]

I was on vacation during your last update, so I'm just getting caught up now. Sounds like you're on the right track.

>>>In that type of depression you can not think clearly. I should have known my parents wouldn't care. But depression doesn't allow you to see things as they are.

That's the thing, isn't it? I mean, when your leg is giving you issues, you notice it, and you can rationally come up with a plan of action (stop working out so much, go see the doctor). But when your head is giving you issues...well, see, that's the part of the body that you use to rationally come up with your plan of action. And when it's on the fritz, you have to sort of take a lot of what it's telling you with a grain of salt. During my last depression, I had trouble convincing myself that THIS was the way I was supposed to feel, that I was deluded when I thought everything was OK over the past few decades, and that I'd feel this way forever. But that was just my brain giving me bad info.

And keep working on that "acceptance" part. I'm not having a great life in spite of being gay. I'm having a great life, in part, BECAUSE I'm gay. Being gay is no curse. It can be a great blessing. There may be additional obstacles because of it, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth it when all is said and done.

Lex

 

[spencer]

Hmm, were you on MH forums?

I'm glad you're getting help.

A lot of the reason why people don't get help is because they, (guys especially), think that the should have the ability to correct flaws themselves. But what you're not realizing is that you're wired that way. It's not due to your lack of being able to fix it yourself.

It's just like saying, I can't believe I'm getting treatment for leukemia. My body should be able to fight cancer on its own, I feel like a pansy.

People that don't have depression, don't have depression because they are chemically balanced naturally. Some of us aren't and need extra help. Good thing science helps it.

It's good you're going to therapy too, cause an effective way to rewire the way you think is through talk therapy.

Good luck brother

 

[Maelstrom]

I hope everyone's holidays are going well and that all of you are in good spirits.

Since the last update I have come out to my brother, He doesn't even really care. He found it surprising but not in a bad way. He understands that it isn't a choice and that it isn't easy dealing with it. He won't tell anyone else I trust him these days. If anything, this has made us closer, which is surprising.
I don't have to hide in my own house anymore, which is very relieving to say the least. But to say that all is infinitely better would be a lie. I just don't have this weight/guilt on me anymore.

That's the thing, isn't it? I mean, when your leg is giving you issues, you notice it, and you can rationally come up with a plan of action (stop working out so much, go see the doctor). But when your head is giving you issues...well, see, that's the part of the body that you use to rationally come up with your plan of action. And when it's on the fritz, you have to sort of take a lot of what it's telling you with a grain of salt.

Yeah that is very much what I have come to realize, That is the best way to describe what happens, So I am learning to just get the help I need instead of trying to figure it all out in my head, Because currently it isn't the most accurate way of solving the current issues. Which is hard for me because I am very self reliant although it may not seem like it, I have a hard time asking for help.
You are right once again Lex.

And keep working on that "acceptance" part. I'm not having a great life in spite of being gay. I'm having a great life, in part, BECAUSE I'm gay. Being gay is no curse. It can be a great blessing. There may be additional obstacles because of it, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth it when all is said and done.

I am hoping to understand this soon, The way I currently see it is that homosexuality is a flaw, a biological mistake which does no good for the individual or the species. I ask, would you not be just as happy if you were straight? Assuming you have found the right person that is. I understand that you can be happy if you are gay but to be happy because you are gay is something I currently don't understand. Maybe I will learn it soon. You haven't been wrong yet Lex.

A lot of the reason why people don't get help is because they, (guys especially), think that the should have the ability to correct flaws themselves. But what you're not realizing is that you're wired that way. It's not due to your lack of being able to fix it yourself.

It's just like saying, I can't believe I'm getting treatment for leukemia. My body should be able to fight cancer on its own, I feel like a pansy.

I have only posted on this forum.

Yes I feel I should be able to correct my flaws by myself. I know now that it isn't possible to do alone. I understand about it being like a physical ailment, But it doesn't feel that way, I mean you should be able to change the way you think, it's your mind! But that isn't the case, At least not the amount which is needed.
There is a social stigma about mental disorders, and I think it is ingrained into our society, at least here in America. That you are weak if you have depression or something like that. I think I feel the way I do about mental problems because that is how society currently treats it. I have taken psychology classes, I understand that it isn't something which constitutes weakness or inferiority, But I still feel That I should be able to correct it myself yet I know that I can't because it is a chemical imbalance. Funny that I know the facts about it yet it still bothers me.

My therapist currently thinks that my self esteem / self worth. Is the main issue and that if we can improve that then the rest might just fall into place eventually. I didn't feel that those were lacking but apparently she does, Hopefully she is right.

I want to thank all of you, everyone is so kind. I wish you all a good New Years.
Later,
Maelstrom

 

[btimsah]

For me it was about a 1-2 year process of gradually accepting that I was gay. And it was not going to change weather I (Or GOD) liked it or not.

Learning that one thing changed everything for me. Anytime doubt would creep in, I would think - IT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANYWAY!

Then you realize you have no alternative but to move on. Glad to see all the help on here helped the original poster and hope he moves forward in acceptance and happiness!

 

[spencer]

Yes I feel I should be able to correct my flaws by myself. I know now that it isn't possible to do alone. I understand about it being like a physical ailment, But it doesn't feel that way, I mean you should be able to change the way you think, it's your mind! ... I still feel That I should be able to correct it myself yet I know that I can't because it is a chemical imbalance. Funny that I know the facts about it yet it still bothers me.

It's funny how someone posted that the stigma for mental health has come a long way (it has, but still has a long way to go) and that when you came out to them as depressed, they shunned it but then you came out to them as gay and they said they'd love you unconditionally.


Let's go over depression. It's a brain imbalance and/or a chemical imbalance. If it wasn't, then taking drugs or using therapy to change that imbalance wouldn't work. Don't you think you would have corrected it by now if you could? Don't you think that your loved ones would want you to correct it by reasonable means (prescription medication and therapy)? You took a class in psychology. You know how complex it is and that the worlds thinkers have been studying it for years and have only scratched the surface, people still think they should have everything figured out on their own.

It's hard to not feel weak. But remember, you're in a weakened state. I advise you come out to your Dr. He/she is a medical professional sworn to patient confidentiality.

 

[Maelstrom]

I'm surprised that people still read this and respond so thoughtfully. It makes me smile to think that so many people are willing to help or simply share their experiences.

I am doing much better these days. You are absolutely right btimsah It isn't going to change so I have actually accepted that fact and it has made the whole experience much easier. It has been quite the turn around for me, in terms of acceptance. Both my parents know and so does my brother, it is nice not having to hide in my own home anymore. I found that my problem wasn't that I am gay, but more about how gays are treated by others, that bothered me, and I wasn't strong enough to face that type of discrimination/hatred.

Actually Spencer, I told my doctor 3 months ago about it (I should have mentioned that.) and she shrugged it off basically, she said keep on the meds and see a psychologist/therapist. I am currently seeing a therapist, twice a week actually. She thinks that we will be able to cut it down to once a week. She feels that my progression is going smoothly. So I guess that is good news. I'm almost to the point where I don't care who knows about me or not, But I can tell I'm not quite there yet. Maybe a bit more time is needed. I can tell it is close though. If that makes any sense...

School has started again, Oh joy.... But I have been accepted to CSUN, so I am on my way! not till fall though. I'm continuing to workout 3x a week, supplementing what Codeerror has shared, with other information that I gather. I will be very busy this semester, I will try to keep updating this. It seems to be useful to not just me.

I wish everyone good luck, hope everyone is doing well and again thanks for everything guys.

Later,
Maelstrom

 

[crowboy]

^ Fantastic mate. You are making wonderful progress in your life and it is generous of you to share with us how you are doing.

You do inspire people by showing you can turn things around and make something of your life.

Good onya.

 

[btimsah]

I'm surprised that people still read this and respond so thoughtfully. It makes me smile to think that so many people are willing to help or simply share their experiences.

I am doing much better these days. You are absolutely right btimsah It isn't going to change so I have actually accepted that fact and it has made the whole experience much easier. It has been quite the turn around for me, in terms of acceptance. Both my parents know and so does my brother, it is nice not having to hide in my own home anymore. I found that my problem wasn't that I am gay, but more about how gays are treated by others, that bothered me, and I wasn't strong enough to face that type of discrimination/hatred.

Actually Spencer, I told my doctor 3 months ago about it (I should have mentioned that.) and she shrugged it off basically, she said keep on the meds and see a psychologist/therapist. I am currently seeing a therapist, twice a week actually. She thinks that we will be able to cut it down to once a week. She feels that my progression is going smoothly. So I guess that is good news. I'm almost to the point where I don't care who knows about me or not, But I can tell I'm not quite there yet. Maybe a bit more time is needed. I can tell it is close though. If that makes any sense...

School has started again, Oh joy.... But I have been accepted to CSUN, so I am on my way! not till fall though. I'm continuing to workout 3x a week, supplementing what Codeerror has shared, with other information that I gather. I will be very busy this semester, I will try to keep updating this. It seems to be useful to not just me.

I wish everyone good luck, hope everyone is doing well and again thanks for everything guys.

Later,
Maelstrom

Awesome man. We put Dr. Phil to shame.

 

[wikke1]

*BUMP*

This thread is quite amazing.
I'm 27 (yes, that "old") Came out this weekend to my family (the first to know). They reacted as good as I could have wished for.
I still struggle though with "accepting myself". Not wanting to be "different" ("If only I could be straight"). Being confident.
If you confess something after keeping it a secret for +/-10 years, you feel so empty.
I wish everyone in my/our situation all the best. Last week, I was literally crying my eyes out out of misery. Just now, I shed a few tears of relief and happiness.
All the best everyone!

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Wikke1,

First of all, welcome to JUB and feel free to ask any question you would like to ask over here. Second, congratulated that you came out to your family and that all went well. Its good to read you feel much more happy right now and that alot of feelings of stress have been gone.

Good luck, and all the best.