I think I should give up......

[qaz]

Hi Guys,

I’m in a REAL mess here so I’m gonna bare my soul and hope you guys can offer me some advice.

Ok, I’m 32 in a couple of weeks and I feel like I’m well over due to meet my maker. I have always been a real loner and have only ever been with 2 men (no girls) I was still a virgin at 20 when I had a complete breakdown for reasons I still don’t understand. I attempted suicide and ended up in the hospital for many months, I’ve never been the same since. I haven't been able to work and as a diabetic I have become quite ill over the years with various things.

Just weeks after my release from hospital I moved into a new home and met my first partner who lived next door. He was 10 years older than me and I just loved being with him! I lived just for the next time I could see him and I think became little obsessed. After my 'first time' with him he blabbed all about it to his 'friend' and I was gutted but the pain and crap was only starting! He had had a VERY bad childhood and was pretty messed up, I stood by his side for 9 years but I never seemed to be enough for him. He cheated on me with men and women at least once a week often ALOT more. He even slept with his own family but I stayed. He lied ALL the time and went missing for days at a time, He tried to 'sell' me to one of his 'friends' for a stereo once! But I forgave it all as when he held me I felt alive and it was all I had or wanted.

9 years later I found myself in prison (Long and humiliating story!) I met a guy inside and fell in love with him and after release told my partner to move out! I waited a year and a half for my new partner to be released and was so excited. Now this is a long story so ill make it very short. He got out and within 6 weeks not only emptied my bank account but also set up and maxed out 4 credit cards in my name! I am to this day in £9000 debt because of him! He went back to prison for over a year but I stayed with him. He got out again and I had just about got myself back on my feet (a long way from solvent though!!) 2 days out he beat me up and stole the car I had bought that day. He went back inside. He's back out now and I feel no love toward him but we are still together.

I’m now just lost! I have no sex drive, which I have never had, and have only ever been able to force myself to 'do it' a few times! A criminal record and no job or money! I feel like my life is over, Who is gonna want to be with someone like me now? I hate being alone but after 31 years of keeping to myself I have no confidence to go meet new people, besides I know with no sex drive no-one is gonna want to be with me so why bother, and living in Shrewsbury UK there isn’t really a place to meet other gay guys anyway!

I'm so low and just sleep now, sometimes for days at a time without moving. I feel like giving up... is that wrong?

 

[Festle]

Ok, so some really sucky things have happened. They have also been adventures that help you understand the world in a way that many cannot. (That's mental reframing - practice it!)

I'm not going to tell you not to give up - that's up to you. But I will suggest that it may be premature.

A few things - leave the abuser. This may take getting some counseling since he has been manipulating you for a long time.

Another thing would be to find a purpose. I can't tell you what that is. Maybe volunteering, maybe school, maybe writing, maybe starting a garden. But find something that feels useful to you that you look forward to on a daily basis.

Also, check in on your substance abuse. If you are dependent on anything (cigarettes, alcohol, pot, other stuff) work on cleaning yourself up. This can help build self confidence and help you have more emotional resources to deal with other things.

Those are my first thoughts. You've already shown tremendous resilience so I have every expectation you could pull out of this. Developing a therapeutic relationship with a good counselor can really help you reduce your trapped, hopeless, and frustrated feelings and help you see options that are clouded right now.

Festle

 

[Horschallen]

It is admirable that you have taken this step to share your circumstances here, and there are many o f us here who do care. Festle's suggestions above are good. When he suggested volunteering, my first thought was to suggest you to try some place safe like local animal shelters, these animals need loving attentions and it may be good for you, because pets reciprocate affections.

Also check your local/regional mental health organizations (not service providers, but more of peer support groups) and get involved. I found it helpful when I was in deep depressions years ago and spending time with the local nonprofit support group for people with depression to be very soothing and helpful being with others who were in and recovering from depression. Explore your spiritual side by reading self help books, etc.

I know I have so many things to say, but I do not want to overwhelm you with too much options, suggestions, etc., but remember to love yourself first. You are the only that matters to you at this time.

 

[spencer]

Why not meet your maker on earth? Having faith helps me.

Otherwise, it's time to throw away all the things that you think is going to make you happy (not having a bf, being alone, sex, etc) and to concentrate on yourself and getting on your own two feet. Start over and do things right this time. Leave the gay stuff to the side for the time being.

 

[G-Lexington]

Lots going on here. Thoughts as they come to me.

First off, about meeting another guy. Forget it. For now, anyway. Your past history has been dismal. Your past two guys have been complete and utter users...and in each case, you stuck with them. You preferred to be attached to somebody who was completely and utterly taking advantage of you than to face the prospect of being alone. And given your post, I don't think that situation's changed. If you ended up with somebody who wanted to sleep around on you, or beat you senseless for crimes real and imagined, I have a feeling you'd sit there and take it. Because, hey, at least you're not alone!

In short, you're not ready for a relationship. But that doesn't mean you'll never be ready.

And instead of "giving up", there's another option staring you in the face. And that's standing up and starting to drag your sorry ass out of that hole you've found yourself in. Not (just) the economic one, but the emotional and self-esteem one. If you can start focusing on making yourself the best Goddamned qaz you can be, you not only will feel much better about yourself, but you'll eventually get yourself to a spot where you CAN trust yourself to enter a good relationship. It's not going to be an easy task. But it'll easily be the best thing you could possibly do for yourself. There's no better feeling than loving yourself. Because then, you're not constantly looking to escape your own company - you welcome it. Life is much better because you're always with somebody you like - yourself.

As I said, it won't be easy. It'll almost certainly involve therapy, and facing down these demons that have been haunting you for decades. But what's on the other side is going to be totally worth it.

Are you willing to try?

Lex

 

[qaz]

Hiya,, thankyou for your responses, this is this most interaction i've had for some time. I am finding it really hard to find reasons to get up and move. I used to volunteer at a local charity shop and loved it but was told to leave after my conviction. I dont want to be alone and if I leave the guy im with who else is gonna want to know me? I CAN hear myself and know how pathetic I sound and trust me I hate being this person but I;m on my ass here and I just dont know what to do anymore.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I dont want to be alone and if I leave the guy im with who else is gonna want to know me?

That's just it. You need to work on becoming a guy who YOU want to be with. At that point, other people will want to be with you, too.

Look into other volunteer activities. Not just half-assedly, but with gusto. There's another place out there for you - go find it.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

I've gone back and read all of your posts.

You need to speak with your therapist about these issues particularly since you apparently have had chronic depression, diabetes and very low sex drive for years.

I find it interesting that in 7 years, you have only posted 62 times....I have to assume that you have other forums you spend more time in.

Some of your problems may originate in the incestuous sexual relations you had with other members of your family.

Some counsellor needs to help you sort yourself out and get you back to being a functional person.

 

[swerve]

You need to work on becoming a guy who YOU want to be with.

That would have been my advice -- don't let your past lead your future -- consider it a PLUS that you've experienced things that many others haven't...

Best of luck...

 

[Telstra]

seek help and keep on writing.

More people will reply here and you might get a light bulb moment so you can see how to help yourself.

 

[spencer]

being alone isn't such a bad thing. especially when you're getting your shit together

 

[hotatlboi]

I think you should focus on building up your self esteem before getting into a relationship.

Also if you seriously have no sex drive, there is something wrong with that imo. I think you should try to find out if that is just a psychological thing or if there is some kind of underlying medical issue (like a hormone imbalance or something).