I think this is the worst that my depression has ever been, I need to rant.

[xboxfan34]

Back last May, I posted a topic called "I don't know what the fuck to do anymore" where I told you guys about this one time I saw a gay couple in public and basically expressed disappointment in myself for being 19 years old, a virgin, never been in a romantic
relationship with any sex or gender....you get the deal.

In case you didn't know this about me...I experience symptoms of four different mental disorders. ADD, Depression, Anxiety, and OCD. As of late, my anxiety and OCD has gotten much better and I've stopped panicking over stupid shit. But it seems that as my anxiety has improved, my depression suddenly became worse.....

I guess right now, the main cause of my depression is the same as it was in that other topic I pointed out. I'm now TWENTY years old, never had a sexual experience in my life and never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend, but how my depression started is slightly different.

I've recently been thinking about where I stand on the gay community, where my place is. I've said many times that I'm into muscle bears, DILFs, older guys, etc. I've also said many times that I'm a top and a proud ass man...I've also began to identify as a "cub"...

I've given myself all these labels and I haven't even had my first fucking kiss yet.

Now, you might be telling me "Why don't you go to gay bars? Why don't you use Growlr? Why don't you use Mister?" Trust me, I want to do those things....But I feel like I can't. I don't have enough inner strength within myself...this is why.

As of late, I have been scared of being rejected by the bear community because of the fact that I don't have any body hair or because of my unimpressive facial hair. I'm a masculine guy, but part of me still seems too childlike and boyish. Many people have told me many times "Oh, you're not ugly, you're cute!" or stuff like "There is something for everyone. Your ugly might be someone else's hot." I understand that, but I just can't shake this fear that I'm just not attractive enough for the bear community or any other subculture of the gay community....

I'm just so sick of this. This fear is making my depression worse than it has EVER been, it's gotten to the point where I have urges to self-harm multiple times a day and have already cut on both forearms this week....It never used to be this bad...


These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me


Some are born to move the world, to live their fantasies
But most of us just dream about the things we'd like to be
Sadder still to watch it die than never to have known it
For you, the blind who once could see
The bell tolls for thee...

TL/DR: These lyrics above pretty much explain how I feel right now.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

Well.. first thing is first. Calm down.. you're only 20. Just because some others have sexual experiences earlier means nothing.

Second, are you in therapy? Are you self-diagnosed or seeing someone?

Lastly, you're worried about being rejected but that is life. We all get rejected and it's part of the experience. If you are afraid of being rejected, you're never going to get that first kiss. And you will get rejected.. why? because everyone isn't everyone else's cup of tea.

Calm down, take a breath. And if you're not currently in therapy, I think you should strongly consider it.

 

[aaggii]

First and most important: seek professional help. Self harming is a serious matter and it can quickly go out of your hands and once you go too far, there is no turning back.

Most probably like in the other thread I´ll point out you´re 20. Calm the fuck down, please.

Ask yourself what exactly do you want? Is it just sex or meeting people? There is a big chance that once you do this, you will still feel depressive/suicidal, that´s why, I´ll tell again, pick up the phone and ask for an appt with a psychologist.

No one will come at your door begging to be banged by you, you have to do your own searching. The bear community is just like any other subcategory, it has good guys and a lot of assholes who don´t know how to act in real life. Go make some profiles, see what happenes. Just do it, right now, a few clicks, even before finishing reading this post.

You don´t have to go with the first one that shows interest. Check bearwww (met my bf there), daddyhunt, sites like that. Forget the labels and how things should be and focus on how things are, if you´re comfortable with someone and with certain situations. But first of all, fix your problems, no one will get involved with a guy that has cuts on his arms. Where do you live? Check bear events, expect nothing but keep your eyes open - go to the bar, have a drink, let them come to you. If it doesn´t happen, at least you had a beer, try again another time. It´s pretty much the same for everyone.

 

[xboxfan34]

Even though I have self harmed, I don't cut deep at all or leave scars. The most I'll give myself is a few scratches. It's bad that I do that nonetheless, but I don't do it because I'm suicidal or seeking attention, I do it to punish myself for simply not being good enough.

I feel like I need both. I need to lose my virginity and I need to meet someone to love me. Sometimes I wonder if I need a psychologist or just some counseling. I feel like all a psychiatrist would do is just verify that I have any or all the four disorders I pointed out in the OP. A counsellor I feel will be more personable.

I was thinking that maybe Ill finally create the Growlr profile..can't hurt, amirite?

 

[LuckysRevenge]

Even though I have self harmed, I don't cut deep at all or leave scars. The most I'll give myself is a few scratches. It's bad that I do that nonetheless, but I don't do it because I'm suicidal or seeking attention, I do it to punish myself for simply not being good enough.

I feel like I need both. I need to lose my virginity and I need to meet someone to love me. Sometimes I wonder if I need a psychologist or just some counseling. I feel like all a psychiatrist would do is just verify that I have any or all the four disorders I pointed out in the OP. A counsellor I feel will be more personable.

I was thinking that maybe Ill finally create the Growlr profile..can't hurt, amirite?

You should see a psychologist. Asap.

The fact that you're harming yourself because you're "not good enough" is clear evidence that you should be talking to someone. Sex kissing etc is all secondary and irrelevant until you have your emotional and psychological distress addressed.

 

[xboxfan34]

You should see a psychologist. Asap.

The fact that you're harming yourself because you're "not good enough" is clear evidence that you should be talking to someone. Sex kissing etc is all secondary and irrelevant until you have your emotional and psychological distress addressed.

The thing is, I normally don't self harm. I usually fight against any urges I might get, but this week has just been so god awful depression-wise that I couldn't help myself those two times.

 

[fezzfoot]

All the more reason to get professional help as soon as possible. Don't let this be the start of something worse.

 

[Seasoned]

You are attempting to do too much on your own. You don't need to be afraid of mental conditions. Symptoms, whether they be physical or mental, are there as warnings to get help. You need self love and self respect, not self punishment and you need to learn to let life play out rather than predicting outcomes.

A psychiatrist will give you a diagnosis and determine if there are suitable medications. Be leery of those with known sexual side affects as you don't need to add that to the mix. A psychologist would be seen on an on-going basis until good coping strategies are in place.

You seem too quick to categorize yourself and others. We're all people first. A more active social life may be a better first goal and networking will go a long way towards getting where you want to go.

Right now it seems as though you spend too much time in your head attempting to figure things out. Living, in my opinion, means getting outside of oneself and learning from people, places and things.

Stop harming yourself and please stop minimizing and justifying that.

Take good care buddy. You're among friends.

 

[checkinthingsout]

I was thinking that maybe Ill finally create the Growlr profile..can't hurt, amirite?

Uh yea go ahead and create it! And please CHILL OUT with all of the labels and boxes you are constructing in your mind. You are 20 years old. You are basically still a kid. You don't really know ANYTHING about the world, people, and the endless possibilities of attraction and you are not IN the gay community yet so you don't know what its like.

JUST GO MEET SOME PEOPLE. But don't lead with the whole depression thing because most people don't want to meet new friends or romantic interests who have a negative outlook on life. It is like a vacuum of energy in the room.

But also like others have said: Get Therapy. Once you have a positive outlook on your life you will be way more attractive to other people.

 

[GamerBear]

You sound a lot like me, I do have anxiety and depression, I was going through that around your age. I'm 30 years old by the way. Long story coming...

I was 19 years old when I started getting worried about my sex life, I was starting out first year of college, late bloomer. I started having all these conflicts with depression, I was always sad, I cried a lot also I fell in love for the first time which ended up in heart break. I fell in love with a guy here on JUB in late 2004 he ended up dumping me for a twink and that broke my heart so much it took 2 months to get over it. I cried over him for so many weeks and even though it felt good to cry (crying is not a sign of weakness) and get all those negative emotions out from my system.

It was so hard to go through college and just out of the blue cry in public, I would sit on a bench waiting for my next class to start crying to myself listening to my MP3 player and sad love music. I wanted to die or kill myself so much but I didn't even have the balls to attempt it, all I could do was just cry and try to get over him. People always told me crying and being emotional was a sign of weakness, but I learned that crying made things better, it made me stronger. The more I listened to sad music the easier it was to get over him, I didn't even take any kind of medication for my depression I just chugged a long through the years dealing with it and moving on.

It wasn't until later on that year when I started getting into the bear community, I didn't really know what to label myself. Most called me a cub and other people used the word chub. I was a big guy but again I was comfortable in my own body but still hard for me to find someone to have sex with. I think I had my first sex encounter with a guy on a bear website. We made out and sucked each other off, I was nervous as hell and tasted my first cum that wasn't my own. He wasn't a muscle bear but more so just a bear. Anyways I finally made some friends in the bear community at the end of 2005, I was always talking to people on the bear website and making chat buddies. But then when I met my friends they showed me so much about the community and introduced me to a lot of people.

All this time I always had this fear that nobody would like me, but I took a huge chance but at the same time I was always battling with myself trying to come out. I came out to myself when I was 20 years old, then later came out to my parents. I think after that I felt a lot of weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Made things so much easier also eased up on my depression, but fucking depression always seems to come around to bite you in the ass later on.

I didn't have much sex when I turned 21 years old, went to a lot of bear sex parties but always felt reserved and just watched on the side lines. I didn't find love until I was 22 years old, from that point until now I always had conflicts with labels as I got older I stopped caring about it. Anxiety sure has made things difficult for me, still hard for me to find friends but I have someone in my life that I love very much been with him for almost 8 years now.

I also have a huge issue with the bear community, I have hair on my body and still feel rejected by them. I figured it all out, people in the bear community are cliquish as fuck, they will judge you even if you have hair or no hair on your body, will judge you from the color of your skin to how big your cock is. There really is no way to be accepted by them because there will always be assholes who will not like you, I just figured make friends in the community and only worry about that. It will drive you crazy worrying about the acceptance from a community that's been broken for years.

If you feel that you can't deal with some of the emotions alone then seek help, sadly I was afraid to go out and seek help when I was 19. It was the fear of my parents seeing me like this that I kept it to myself, I didn't want them to put me in some nut house or something so I just closed my door and cried in my room alone. When I went looking for help I always had people tell me to deal with it and some even said I was crazy because I was so young dealing with depression. A lot of people will never understand what a person with depression, anxiety or any other disorder go through, I had to learn how to deal with it all by myself, no doctors, no medication, just long nights crying in bed and listening to music. That's what helped me survive through the years.

I know this will probably not help you but just know that you gotta be strong and find someone in your life that you can trust to vent and let out your emotions. Cause letting out all that frustration and fear to someone who will listen is the greatest feeling in the world, it's helped me get through most of my nights without crying.

Also one last thing, if you feel you are something like a cub then you are a cub, don't let anyone else choose a label for you. I know tons of bears who don't even have body hair, it's a state of mind not a look.

 

[xboxfan34]

Thank you so much...seriously...

 

[KaraBulut]

Your May thread is here:
http://www.justusboys.com/forum/threads/423201-I-don-t-know-what-the-fuck-to-do-anymore

That thread was about meeting people and putting yourself out there.

This thread is more about your depression. This is really the first time that the connection between the two things has been discussed.

Given the complexity, it seems that you will need to deal with one as a part of dealing with the other.

Are you currently seeing a therapist or getting treatment for your depression, anixety, OCD, etc? Or is your depression, etc self-diagnosed?

 

[xboxfan34]

Your May thread is here:
http://www.justusboys.com/forum/threads/423201-I-don-t-know-what-the-fuck-to-do-anymore

That thread was about meeting people and putting yourself out there.

This thread is more about your depression. This is really the first time that the connection between the two things has been discussed.

Given the complexity, it seems that you will need to deal with one as a part of dealing with the other.

Are you currently seeing a therapist or getting treatment for your depression, anixety, OCD, etc? Or is your depression, etc self-diagnosed?

I guess it would be self-diagnosed, but I'm just going on what my symptoms have been. And they align with those four disorders I pointed out.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

I guess it would be self-diagnosed, but I'm just going on what my symptoms have been. And they align with those four disorders I pointed out.

Self-diagnosis is often inaccurate. You should seek a professional's help or, at the very least, their advice.

 

[KaraBulut]

Self-diagnosis is often inaccurate. You should seek a professional's help or, at the very least, their advice.

^Agree.

An accurate diagnosis is also going to help you find the best option for treatment.

 

[xboxfan34]

In many ways, yesterday night was both a very bad night and was also a very good night for the same reason. I've already sent this message to GamerBear, but I decided to copypasta my experience here.

Last night, My college's GSA was invited to attend a Valentines Day party at an LGBT youth center. I decided to hop on the opportunity as a way to broaden my horizons and meet new people. Now, I LOVE my school's GSA, they're such great supportive people but this time, they've really dissapointed me. As it turns out, only me and another friend ended up showing up to this party...Everyone else was busy for some other reason.

Oh marone a mia (yes I am Italian), it was fucking horrible. I felt that just because I don't wear skinny leg jeans, say that everything is FAAAAAAAAAAABULOUS , and overall a total stereotypical flamer, I was completely invisible. I didn't exist. I tried my hardest to enjoy myself at this party, but everyone was just talking among themselves, just...uninterested in meeting the two new people, not paying any mind to anyone else.

The youth center had a video game room that you could go in if you want....No one was in there, It was dark, it was peaceful and I just wanted to be alone. I basically started listening to My Immortal by Evanescence, alone and miserable....I didn't want to lose my shit in front of everyone. I truly hit my lowest point, all of the guys I'm interested in making a relationship are straight, I felt like I had zero in common with the mainstream gay community and that I don't belong....For the first time in my life, I felt like I was truly alone, I had absolutely no one there for me....No one will ever be there to wipe away all of my tears when I cried, no one would ever be there to fight away all of my fears when I scream, no one will ever be there to hold my hand through all the remaining years of my life...

Suddenly, at the very last minute...things started to turn around. Someone from the party walked in the room, and asked me if there was anything going on and if I needed someone to talk to. I just lost it right then and there, With tears in my eyes, I tried my best to tell him what I truly felt. That I don't feel like I belong in my own community and that being at this party makes me feel like a square peg trying to fit in a circle hole. How he responded to my dilemma really did help me a lot...

He basically told me that finding your place in the LGBT community is a matter of trial and error. Sometimes, you just feel uncomfortable and not wanted in certain social places and that's totally okay. It's like the old corny saying, "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again." No matter if you're into bears or your into twinks, there IS a place for you in the gay community.

I left shortly after, but I wish I would have talked with him more...He really lifted my spirits when I was in a very dark place.