I Told Her The Truth

[mike_n_herrin]

I know i said this in the other thread, but it's worth saying again. you told her the truth. you were not mean about it you were honest and you didn't want to hurt her so you are NOT a lying piece of shit. this isn't your fault.

here is the other thread: http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?p=5848639#post5848639

 

[bokan800]

Based on your post, I don't see anything wrong with what you did. It is only natural that she would be angry, she felt betrayed. Just give her some time and space to think about it.

It's better that you told her the truth now than keep it a secret and wait to get married first. You have to be true to yourself or both of you will suffer afterward.

 

[Elwood]

Let the dust settle and see what happens. I still think you did the right thing, things will get better!!

 

[Telstra]

Yesterday I told my gf that I thought i was bi and she broke up with me. I wrote about it in the Straight and Bi forum under "I'm Worried I'll Cheat on Her" but i was directed here for more help. We were together for 4 years and were talking about marriage so this is not some teenage puppy love or a shallow relationship. I love her so much. I didn't want to tell her, but I was scared to get married without her knowing. I have never been with a guy, so i don't even know for SURE, but based on my fantasies I am pretty positive i am bi. Any advice or feedback? I could use some help.

On a side note, I guess I am "out" to everyone now too, but I don't really care. My biggest concern is how i have lost her and wondering if i have made a big mistake. She told me she hated me and that i was a lying piece of shit. I know she was angry and maybe didn't mean it, but the look in her eyes when she said that really has me thinking it is over.

From her own word. She don't love you. No one would say such a thing if they love you.
Forgive her and move on.

 

[texan_slant]

You're a man of integrity by telling her the truth; you never intended to hurt her; better it's out in the open now rather than when it's too late.

You have now given yourself some space to see what you're all about.

She may or may not come around; only time will tell.

 

[Telstra]

Do you know how long i should wait before i try and see her? Her sister is staying with her right now and she told me to leave her alone for awhile but how long? I feel like if she was calm enough to hear what i was saying then maybe things will be ok and maybe she didn't mean what she said. I have never seen her so angry. I do understand why she acted that way. Her brother told me she was sure i was going to propose on Valentines Day which makes it all the more horrific.

Should i wait a few days or until she contacts me? She isn't responding to my texts or phone calls.

She is at fault.
Wait until she contacts you and see what happened.

If she don't contact you, this is it, you don't need to contact her anymore.

 

[Seasoned]

I've been thinking about you since your original post. I had the talk you had, but it was after 14 years of marriage. You did the right thing. She had a normal reaction. Again, feel free to PM me anytime.

 

[El Divo]

Do you know how long i should wait before i try and see her? Her sister is staying with her right now and she told me to leave her alone for awhile but how long? I feel like if she was calm enough to hear what i was saying then maybe things will be ok and maybe she didn't mean what she said. I have never seen her so angry. I do understand why she acted that way. Her brother told me she was sure i was going to propose on Valentines Day which makes it all the more horrific.

Should i wait a few days or until she contacts me? She isn't responding to my texts or phone calls.

First of all, you shouldn't feel bad. You indeed did the right thing.

Now to what you should do. I think you should call her possibly everyday. For maybe a couple of days. Tell her in person, over the phone, on the answer machine or text, why you told her you were bi. Let her know what would have happened if you didn't.

Then finally stop communicating with her. Leave her a final message telling her that when she's ready to talk you'll be waiting.

Now, it may take her a short period of time, or maybe a long time, but I truly believe that eventually she'll seek out some closure. More answers. And when she does, you re tell her everything. Let her know that you've never been with a man, but mentally you think about them. Be honest. It will be hard for her, but at the end of the day, if she truly loves you, if she wants to be with you, she'll learn to deal with it. Now of course, things will get awkward every time an attractive guy comes around.

And if you are "OUT" now as you stated, when/ if she comes around, she'll be your man source of protection. If she's cool with it, others will bicker behind your backs but will say nothing in your presence.

It's difficult but overall, she'll seek you out for more answers.

Good luck.

 

[Nomenclature]

To the OP: When women are pissed off at you, you have no choice but to let them be angry until they decide to forgive you. There's nothing you can say or do to make her forgive you any faster (assuming she will); Even if she DOES forgive you, she still won't talk to you for quite awhile.

Realistically, it could take months or maybe even a year+ for you to start talking again, but remember: Coming out changes relationships with friends, family and lovers permanently. . .for better or worse. You'll more than likely never have exactly what you had with her before.

 

[rareboy]

You did the right thing.

You are not a lying piece of shit.

You saved her a world of hurt.

Next time? Tell the girl or guy early on.

 

[KaraBulut]

You didn't make a mistake in telling her. The mistake may have been not telling her sooner.

The question is whether she has a problem with the fact that you kept this secret from her.

Or whether she is uptight and insecure about being in a relationship with a guy who has fantasies that she might not be able to satisfy.

A rational person wouldn't have walked away so quickly from a 4 year relationship because of a fantasy. On the other hand, if you knew this 4 years ago, the issue of keeping this secret can damage trust.

The question for you is whether you're happy keeping all of this in the world of fantasy or whether you want to take the step to actually have a physical relationship with another guy.

 

[Lube]

What everyone else said.

Think about it. If you were out and were dating your perfect man for 4 years who told you he was dedicated to you and no one else and you were in love...

... and then one day out of the blue (when you think he might be proposing for Valentine's day), he tells you he's really bi and fantasizes about women....

... How would you feel? What would you say?


It was a good thing you were honest, but as others have said, you should've told her this a long time ago. This is a completely expected reaction.

As to the future? Well, go find a nice man to have sex with, and see how bi or gay you really are.

 

[tommyj]

Simpleguy, you have integrity. Things will work out for you. IF she doesnt contact you again, its HER loss. There will be other more understanding men and woman out there. We're with you!

 

[TX-Beau]

To add to the chorus. You did the right thing. You saved her from worse - if indeed you ended up married and cheating, you would've been a bastard. But you're not.

Now, as to the blame thing, there is no blame here. This is just a situation. You didn't betray her, though she may think that. But what you did do, and there was no hope of avoiding this really, is destroy her fairytale. She had in her mind an idea of you and her, and your white picket fence, and bouncing babies. Telling her that you're bi killed that.

It shouldn't, because hey, you're bi, and there's no reason why you two couldn't get married and have all that. Gay men can't go there, but Bi men can, and often do.

She's got to figure that out on her own. You can't do that for her. She probably thinks somewhere in her head that this means your gay. She may suspect that you were using her to hide the truth, she may think that you have a guy somewhere.

It would help if you could find a way to communicate to her that bi is not gay, and not on the road to gay (provided you are actually bi and not gay) That you do in fact love her.

I'm going to disagree with some of the others here a little bit. You should give her the opportunity to communicate now. Don't push, don't hound, but let her know in some way that you're open to talking. I think that whether she takes you up on it or not, it's important to let her know this is a priority for you. Silence "until she comes around," is a bad idea, she'll think you just don't care enough. Let her know you want to talk, then let her know she sets the terms, THEN let her be. Whenever I get into arguments with my guy, he's the first thing on the agenda, and he knows it.

If she has sense, she'll probably come to see that you respected her with your honesty, and respected your relationship because truly, she had a right to know.

If she ever comes around and takes you back is going to depend in large part on how much homophobia she's got in her head, and how open, and fair minded she is. If you chose well, you have a chance. If you're dating a right wing zealot, no chance.

Just to be clear, you DIDN'T cheat on her right?

 

[Telstra]

Is it ok for her to read this thread ?
Make a printout of this thread.

Just an idea so you don't need to explain to her anything.

 

[Georgiadude]

I'm sorry for your pain. Rejection is never easy to take. Especially when it's someone you love that is pushing you away. However, you did the right thing. I know it doesn't seem like it right now but it's the truth. You had two choices. You could have kept your "secret" hidden and none of this would be happening.......NOW. Or do what you did and let things work themselves out. If you wouldn't have said anything you probably would have gotten married and things would be fine for a while. Eventually your true feelings would have gotten to be too much to handle and you would have either cheated or gotten caught looking at gay porn. Then you would be dealing with divorce and the "he's been lying to me all of these years" stuff. The guilt and humiliation when that happens can be devastating. I've been down this road and it didn't end pretty. I've posted my story a couple of times and I'm not going to go into all of that now. What I'm saying is take it from someone with experience. You are much better off with things being out in the open then trying to hide or thinking you can just ignore your true feelings for the rest of your life.

Some are saying you should have said things sooner. They are jumping to the conclusion that you knew you were bi when you started dating. Not everyone knows or understands who they really are until later in their lives. Our minds can suppress and hide things that we don't want to see or admit. Know that you know who you are be sure to be honest with others in the future. I don't know you and you didn't say when you became aware of your sexuality.

If you would like to talk more send me a PM and I will be more than happy to help in any way I can. Like I said. I've been down this road.

Keep your chin up. You didn't do anything wrong. If she truly loved you; she will come around and you can talk things out. You may not be able to save the relationship but she wont hate you either.

Steven.

 

[Shawn1]

Thanks for the feedback and suggestions. I still feel numb and like my life is over, but I am glad i found this place.

S,

Anytime we discover truths about ourselves I believe it opens doors, not closes them.

Meanwhile,

 

[TX-Beau]

I am glad you think i should try and stay in contact with her. I agree and what you said about her thinking I don't care if i give her space really makes a lot of sense. I won't be forceful, but I really think if i could get her to just listen and HEAR me that she'd understand. Based on what she was screaming at me when i told her, she doesn't understand any of this at all. Her accusations and statements about me and what i were feeling were so way off base, but i couldn't get her to listen. It is unsettling just waiting around because i just want her to be able to understand the truth and not what she thinks is true.

What you said was hugely helpful along with everyone else. I know she loves me, so I hoping she does come to realize how telling her what i did shows her that i love her and respect her and our relationship. Part of me thinks she will and another part can't get over how she looked at me when she told me she hated me. I really don't know what is going to happen from here.

And NO I did not cheat on her.

Well, her reaction probably stems in large part form shock, and the fact that she probably feels - fairly or not - that you introduced a major insecurity into your relationship. That's got to be addressed, and better sooner than later.

You might ask the women around here to help you with that. For the most part we're not women, and none of us has ever been on the female side of this.

Look, you might just write her an email or a letter - something she can read, but doesn't have to respond to - telling her how you feel, about her, your relationship, your situation with all the marriage pressure, your commitment level, and be totally honest. You might also tell her that she had a right to know before you asked her for a lifetime commitment - 'cause that's the truth too.

 

[shainski]

I'm really sorry for you - it's hard to be going through this.

I want to point out that you told her two things that were difficult for her to hear.

1) that you are bi
2) that you are not ready to marry her (right now)

Now let's look at this from her point of view. Did she waste four years because you are bi or because you are no longer willing to marry her?

I'm not saying that did anything wrong. But if you had told her either one of those things, you might have gotten the same reaction. She isn't doing anything wrong either - she is just dealing with the emotions that her whole view of the future has suddenly changed.

From her point of view - is you "suddenly" being "bi" a sign that she is inadequate?

From your point of view:You love her so much that you wanted to be honest with her about everything.

Assuming she realizes that this isn't some new choice of yours just to spice up your love life with her, she may someday realize that you told her because you love her.

Because you recently brought up the threesome - she might be thinking this is something that you are just doing because she just isn't enough.

 

[nate78]

Don't contact her right away. It's still too new and the wound too fresh. She's almost certainly still really angry and hurt. When you do contact her, ski[p the texts and phone calls; write her a letter. Not only will you be able to say everything you want in a well thought out, uninterrupted way, it will also be a very theraputic exercise for you. I often find that when I write a letter, even if I never send it, I discover things that even I wasn't aware of. I applaud you for your bravery in all this, and know you'll land on your feet. Take care.