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I told my mum tonight

Good on ya dude. Wish I could say the same thing, then again, I don't know (nor do I care) where my dad is, and mum...well, I remember her telling me and my brother one time that "If I ever find out any of you boys (theres 3 of us) are gay, I'll fuckin' disown you." Ironically she looked right at me when she said it. Hasn't been brought up since.
 
IntoTheDarkness said:
Good on ya dude. Wish I could say the same thing, then again, I don't know (nor do I care) where my dad is, and mum...well, I remember her telling me and my brother one time that "If I ever find out any of you boys (theres 3 of us) are gay, I'll fuckin' disown you." Ironically she looked right at me when she said it. Hasn't been brought up since.
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Best, then, to make your own way in the world, and in no way count on an inheritance from her. Let your relationship become distant, and you may never have to tell her.

OR you could tell her after you're a clearly independent adult and she's been wondering for several years why you never call, never write. "I knew you'd disown me when you found out, Mom, so I also knew you didn't really love me."

Not true, of course, but it will hurt, and she fuckin' deserves it.
 
Good point, I couldn't really care less anyway, I barely talk to her as it is. She lives about an hour away, has my number, has my older brothers number (who lives not far from me), yet when she comes to town, she never comes to see me, never calls or sends messages, I haven't heard from her since August, just after I got my job. Didn't hear from her for my 18th, didn't hear from her over Christmas/New Year...

Oh yeah, she's drug-fucked too, she's been doing it since she was 13, shes like 45 this year or something (not that I'm counting) She thinks drugs are more important than her kids. So be it. When she does come over to town, shes always stickin her nose into our business, she was gonna go into work and have a go at my boss (which would've ended in me getting fired), she makes a scene up the street at random people in front of us (both people we know and people we don't) I've come to the conclusion she's a piece of shit and isn't worth it. But back to the topic...
 
Matt-T said:
I think it's because our family isn't used to keeping big secrets, like Críostóir said.


(*8*) I'm sure she still loves you. You're her son after all.
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you would think parents all have unconditional love.
maybe in the future you will see me posting a thread "my mom kick me out of the house coz i'm gay" or "my mom refuse to co-sign my college loan so i got no money",
may i beg for money on JUB then?!oops!
 
Some people are not meant to be parents, and some of those people are our parents.

Matt: Can you have a discussion with your parents about your desires and fears over the "coming out to the whole family" issue?

It's interesting. To me, the whole thing about coming out to my parents has been one of those llllooooooonnnnnngggg processes. the hardest words were between me and my mom. None, really, with Dad. Mom tells me it was very hard on him, but sometimes she lies/projects about that kind of stuff. I'm sure it was hard for him, but maybe not as much as she says.

It was clearly hard on her.

Not my responsibility.

Anyway: I don't know how many people in my mom's side of the family know I'm gay. I am relatively sure that she didn't tell them. Some of them know, for sure. As a matter of fact, I told an uncle by marriage on her side (this guy since divorced from my aunt) before I told my parents. He immediately told his wife (my aunt) without telling me he was going to. (I was really close to this guy, and no longer speak with him, which really isn't entirely my doing, but a satisfactory state of affairs for me). All three of my cousins in that family know.

Another aunt, by marriage, sent out an email once a couple of years back with a pretty awful anti-gay joke, and I sent back a reply to EVERYBODY on the large recipient list of the email, as well as everyone else that was in my addresses list at the time, clearly saying I'm gay, this offends me, and don't send shit like this to me again. So all HER kids know.

That leaves just one other aunt and uncle and their kids, and I'm pretty sure they know, but since we've never discussed it openly, there's still a little doubt.

But there was a lot of homophobia.

Anyway, my parents and I haven't gotten to the point, yet -- 17 years on! -- where I can really talk with them about how I would like them to be around the topic with other family members. On my dad's side, also, some know; but i'm not sure how many.

I think it would be great if your situation with your family was "better" than mine with my family. Maybe it won't be! Ignorance, bigotry, and fear die hard. My fantasy for you is, you get to have an honest conversation with your mom and dad about why the rest of the family should be told, how, and what YOU feel like YOU want.

Please keep us posted!

~t.
 
(This is a really late reply so sorry for resurrecting an old thread...)

tygrbryte, I haven't had a discussion like that yet. When they brought it up I pretty much told them I wasn't doing anything like that until I was ready, and that I didn't want them saying anything. It probably came across as a bit rude but personally I think it's rude that they inform me that I'm to tell the rest of my family - honestly, the way they said it, it sounded like an order. And that pissed me off.

I'm actually having second thoughts about whether or not they're actually ok with this now. We don't really talk about it, which both surprises and worries me. Mum asked me again today if I'm sure it's not just a phase, which tells me she's still hoping I'll tell her I'm marrying some girl and having kids and all that bullshit. Dad and I never talked very much in the first place but now I get the feeling he's kind of avoiding me. I don't know if it's just me being paranoid or not. I actually went away last weekend and went clubbing with my friends, and when I returned Dad and I had a big argument because I'm unemployed - and although he didn't mention it, I couldn't help but feel it was at least partly fuelled by my being gay, because although he's mentioned that he doesn't like me being unemployed, we've never really argued over it like we did then...
 
Matt:

This is all normal.

First comes shock, then denial, then bargaining, then hopefully acceptance.

Your parents are going to play the denial "Are you sure it isn't just a phase?" and bargaining "Maybe you just need to find the right girl?" thing for a while.

Be patient with them. They're in a phase. Eventually, they'll grow out of it.
 
hey matt i hadn't been in this forum for a bit and i'm glad i popped in not too long after you posted.

I'm with kara: all this is pretty normal, even if it's not "fun." I'm glad you told the parents you would pick your own time to let the rest of the family know. I could totally see that the "dealing with gay son" might step up tension with dad that could come out another "crack" like "why don't you have a job?" And actually, if you were able to get some kind of a job, you might actually help yourself out a great deal, because you'd be taking care of yourself in a very active way and relieving the pressure on that particular "crack."

I absolutely know it's true that when a child comes out to parents, there's bound to be tons of stress on them and they should be given time to come to terms and blah blah blah. That can be useful to you in terms of understanding their timing while you're picking your timing. Really though i'm usually more "for" the guy coming out than their parents. It's a really stressful thing to come out to your parents. It's a vulnerable-making thing to do, and if your parents are in a big freak-out, then that can sure increase your own feelings of vulnerability. As much active care as you can take of yourself, for yourself, the more resources you'll have to get through this period in as good a shape as possible, with hopefully as little collateral damage to the parents and your relationship with them as possible.

But making this "all right" for them isn't your responsibility, and it's not all your responsibility to make it all right with them.

Hang in there. please continue to keep us posted.

~t.
 
ps are all gay guys in Australia named "Matt"? ;-)
 
Make me happy to see that things turned out the way they did, there are plety of other guyz who have it bad. I would be very happy to have folks like yours. You seem to remind me of me. I was also not a big sport lover. Never had a GF who lasted longer than a week. Perhaps I just need to w8 for my ma to ask me too. Although, I would rather want to tell them when I am done studying. Dont want to risk getting kicked out. But I will you all the best mate, enjoyed reading. :)
 
Your story is so exciting, and I don't know why. I'm so happy for you. My mom knows but she refuses to believe it. She just calls me weird. I told my sister last week and she was so excited. But I would be terrified to tell anyone else in my family. I don't want to cut people out of my life, but it might be a real issue.

But anyway, Congrats!!!
 
I always end up crying after reading things like these.

I'm glad its working out good for you!
 
Thanks so much for all your support and input guys. (*8*)

I'm still not too sure about how they're handling it between themselves. I came home from a party a couple of nights ago with a love bite on my neck, but I told them it was just a bruise a got from running into a pole (which obviously they didn't believe). Dad didn't say anything to me directly but I overheard him and mum talking quietly - I couldn't understand what he was saying but mum said something like "stop being so silly, he says it's not what we think it is" (referring to the hickey). Later I asked mum if dad wasn't happy that I'd got a love bite from a guy, and she said he wasn't happy that I'm doing anything with guys. But dad's been generally normal to me lately - perhaps this is the denial/ignore it stage.

So in other words, I think it's still a sore subject for them but so far it's been pretty smooth sailing.
 
You're a lucky guy mate, im also 18, but cant get the courage to tell anyone im gay... can't even tell my cat. But things look like they are going in a good direction for you. Keep us posted how things go. I enjoy hearing your stories. ;)
 
Ron Apple said:
You're a lucky guy mate, im also 18, but cant get the courage to tell anyone im gay... can't even tell my cat. But things look like they are going in a good direction for you. Keep us posted how things go. I enjoy hearing your stories. ;)
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Your cat already knows! :rolleyes:
 
Matt-T said:
Dad knows now too. Mum told him which kind of annoyed me because I wanted to tell him myself. He brought it up while we were alone, thankfully, and I admitted it was true. I won't write out the whole conversation because it was a lot longer than mum's and I can't be bothered (lol), but he ...then said "maybe you just haven't found the right sheila" [Aussie slang for woman lol]. That made me think he was in denial about it but then later he told me he still loved me and he just wants me to be careful.
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hahaha that's pretty much what my Dad said - "I'd still like it if you found a chick to marry one day", to which I replied "yeah, that's not going to happen". But he gave me a hug and said as long as I was happy, he still loved me etc :)

For the last few years I wasn't really sure if he remembered, or had blocked it out of his memory etc, so never really said much about it (cause it doesn't really come up in conversation anyway), but a couple of weeks ago my sister found out from Dad's girlfriend that Dad was worried I thought he had a problem with my being gay, when in reality he really doesn't care about it. So that made me feel better, and in future I won't be so guarded when talking about my personal life with him :) Still, it's difficult trying to find a way to put him at ease about it now.

Anyway, so glad your parents took it well :) Your parents sound similar to mine, you're very lucky I think to have such cool parents :)
 
When I came out to my Mom she asked "So, what prompted this?" I said, "Well Mom, I saw Troy." We laughed and she accepted me as I am. (*8*) She is my fiercest champion. My brother thinks it's cool, and my Dad has even asked me about my sexploits! :sex:
 
LOL thats great skipper! You are aware this is 2 yrs old?!? :)
 
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