I told my parents this afternoon I was gay

[hvk1989]

This has been my fortnight of coming outs. This afternoon was pretty much the last of the family/friends that I'm seeking out to tell and it was, by far the worst experience--telling my parents (all the others have been extremely positive and good). Good things--they didn't tell me they didn't want to see me anymore, no violence, no yelling, but obvious shock and disappointment. The shock I guess is what surprised me most--apparently they really didn't suspect (amazes me--everyone else I've told have all been "I've known or thought so for years"). I guess it's different for parents. I do think they will accept it as time goes by and they recover from their initial shock--after all, it's been on my mind for almost three months and they were just hit with it this afternoon. I'm still a bit depressed by their reaction--I had gone through everything and my mother rather snippily asked "So you like guys better than girls do you." I replied "Yes." She asked "And that's your choice." I said, "Choosing had nothing to do with. It just is who I am--I am no different today than I was yesterday and the type of person to whom I am attracted hasn't changed since seventh grade." Silence. . . . [well, heavy sighing from my father, who said nothing, but that was to be expected]. . . I think my mother asked one more question and then she said "Well, I guess there's nothing more for me to ask or say." . . . silence. . . I said very slowly and calmly "Well, you could say you still love me. " Things started going uphill (yes, uphill) from there. I think perhaps that made them see things in a new light. We eventually got on to other topics in which my father participated.

They're obviously disappointed (my mother apparently was still looking for me a potential wife) but I think they'll be ok. For me, I'm a bit down at the moment, but down deep, I'm quite relieved I told them, certainly don't regret it and would tell them again if I had it to do all over. We're celebrating my brother's birthday this evening so I'll see how things go.

 

[KaraBulut]

Congrats on coming out to them.

Given their reaction- there will two ways that this will go from here.

The "Let's not talk about it" approach where they pretend like nothing is different. This also has a very related approach that we'll call the "hvk1989's special friend who comes to family dinners that we're not supposed to talk about" approach that will happen if you start dating someone.

Or hopefully, the "I have a question" approach where your parents go off on their own, process things for a while or talk to the minister/counselor and then come back with more questions.

Time will tell.

 

[thiskidd24]

At this point I would just look on the brightside considering all the worse outcomes that happen to some people like fighting and getting kicked out. Your parents are probably in denial or extremely unobservant. Usually mothers know this stuff and if you said that other people that you came out to said that it wasn't a surprise then that would be surprising that your own mother would be completely unaware.

At least you got it out and told them, congrats.

 

[bronzeganymede]

congrats. it really gone a lot worst. i know a few guys who got kicked out or their parents stopped talked talking and many more who still havent come out. like the guy said earlier, things can go in the denial direction or questioning direction. either isnt fun to deal with but it could be worse. just keep positive. once again, congratulations. feels great to get it off your chest doesnt it?

 

[breatheH20]

Congratulations! I mean, it may not have been the perfect coming out experience, but it seemed to end better than some stories I've heard. When I tell my father, it won't be nearly as pretty. I will probably have to tell him over the phone..

He's extremely aggressive, and he's passionate about his disgust for the gays (which makes me suspect he might gay too lol).

They will probably come around in time. I think they'd rather have you in their lives than none at all; they don't seem to be so put off by it to the extent of sacrificing their relationship with you. But they will need time; the subconscious "plans" they had set out for you have been altered significantly, and I can imagine that's not easy as a parent.

Kudos!

 

[crowboy]

Congratulations Shane.
I am happy foy you that you told your parents. While it may not have been as you would hope you know it could have been worse. You know we can relate together so much about the let down afterwards. It will pass. Until then I give you one of these . Because I know I needed it after I told mine.
Here have more.
You know where I am mate.

 

[Mirage]

Congratulations hvk1989!

My parents were also on the quiet side when I told them. It's been a while now and everything is normal again like I didn't said anything about being bi. Just give it some time.

Greetz,

Mirage.

 

[hvk1989]

Thanks very much guys for all your comments and support!! I really appreciate it and it does indeed help!

Before observations, good news. . . dinner went just fine. In fact, when I arrived everyone was already there and my father waved, smiled and said hello as I sat down--I took this as a good sign. Conversation went just fine (I didn't really expect anything different since my 15 year old nephews don't know), but it didn't seem strained at all. This morning at church, my mother still came into the sanctuary to say hello and at lunch today my father asked if I needed anything from them in the way of support. While I really don't think they will ever accept me having a partner (my mother has already said "Well I guess you'll be single for the rest of your life" (I didn't answer either way because that was not the time to discuss that)) just getting them past the "your son is gay stage" was quite enough.

Other good coming out news--I'll be posting a detailed blog (detail? yes, I know that may shock some of you), I did tell my brother last friday and it went fine. He doesn't really talk a whole lot either and when I told him he seemed rather unphased and said "OK" silence. . he then said "I'm not sure I know what you want me to say" I asked "Well, are we still good?" He replied "Well, of course, I'd still take a bullet for you, you're my brother." The worst part about it was the fact that his wife was going to get in an "I told you so" because she's told him for the last 8 or so years that I was gay. LOL

I had an all afternoon visit with my sister-in-law (only one brother) that went fine. She has absolutely no issues and is already thinking about gay friends/co-workers she knows that might know someone with whom I may be interested as well as potential social activities I can attend. She's been great and extremely supportive! I asked about my niece knowing and my sister-in-law called her right then, told her, and my niece's response was "ok, great." Again, I think she will be very supportive. My sister-in-law told me pretty much all of her family when they met me (I've known her for 11 years) all asked whether I was gay--lol I do still find it somewhat surprising, but I don't mind.

I then told the guy I co-lead the AV Ministry with and his wife. She asked lots of questions and they both seem ok with it. Again, I'm not currently seeing anyone and I'm not certain how they will react when/if I do meet someone.

My fortnight of coming outs, while very exhausting has been quite freeing. I'm no longer lying to myself/deceiving myself and now that I've told those I care to know, I'm not deceiving them either.

"I have a question" approach where your parents go off on their own, process things for a while or talk to the minister/counselor and then come back with more questions.

I certainly hope this is the path they take KaraBulut. Both of my parents were able to, in lighthearted tones, talk about the lack of sleep they received last night (no, I didn't say try not sleeping for 2 1/2 months ) with my dad ending with a "hmm, I wonder why" That tells me he's beginning to cope and reach acceptance.

They are also grieving for who they thought you were. That person "died" in a way, because they will never have that person again in their minds. It will take a while, but they will adapt to the new reality and grow to love you even more because now they know you better.

This is a most excellent observation bw. I honestly had never thought of it that way. I knew that while I have been pondering homosexuality for some time, they hadn't been thinking about it. The analogy of death and grieving is, IMO, completely accurate and helps puts things in perspective.

Usually mothers know this stuff and if you said that other people that you came out to said that it wasn't a surprise then that would be surprising that your own mother would be completely unaware.

You know thiskidd, that's exactly what surprised me the most. Every other female's response was "oh, I've long known or suspected" and yet my own mother said she never suspected (I scheduled my wisdom teeth extraction the friday before my high school prom so I would have an excuse as to why I didn't ask a girl to prom, have never had a date and always turn down all the ladies at church wanting to hook me up with some female they know). She has more common sense than most people I know, has a history of being extremely observant but I guess when it comes to her youngest son she sort of put blinders on.

feels great to get it off your chest doesnt it?

Indeed it does bronzeganymede. I'm sleeping so much better than I was. I don't expect a celebration by my parents, but just the fact I've been honest with them and they seem to be on a positive path of acceptance makes me feel good (I still would have felt good for having told them, but disappointed if they had and continued to a negative reaction--which they didn't indicate and haven't had).


Thanks very much to the rest of you (breatheH20, crowboy and Mirage) I appreciate your comments and encouragement! The biggest steps have been made and we'll see where it goes from here. . .

 

[ChickenGuy]

Well done hvk1989....

I'm still lagging behind you a bit - I know that I now want to tell people, but I seem to have complicated this for myself by deciding that it should really be my father who hears it first.

I think I'd have come out to everyone else by now, except that I only think it fair that it starts with him and yet he's the most difficult person to tell.

I also want to 'tip off' my aunties about what will be happening and 'prepare the groundwork' for my father by saying something like "We'll have to have a discussion sometime about attraction and things...."

I'm probably overcomplicating this for myself, but make no mistake - my attitudes have changed in the last few months - prior to that, ANY notion of coming out seemed to be ridiculous fantasy - not any more.

Here's hoping I follow in your footsteps soon!

 

[oliver1990]

I think my family suspect about my sexuality but I never come out to any of them so well done for having the guts!

 

[hvk1989]

Thanks ChickenGuy. . .

I think I'd have come out to everyone else by now, except that I only think it fair that it starts with him and yet he's the most difficult person to tell.

All I can offer is my own feelings from my own experience--in other words, do whatever you wish with it . I knew I ultimately wanted my parents to know, but did not think I would be adequately prepared telling them first because I assumed (correctly, btw) they would be the most difficult. I started with those that I knew would have no issues in order to get comfortable with me actually telling people I know I'm gay. Just because I thought they wouldn't have any issues didn't mean I had no stress. It got a lot easier to share which may have added to my preconceived percetion of my parent's initial reaction. Had I told my parent's first, I think I would have been quite a bit worse off mentally. . . but that's just me. Everyone's processes and procedures are their own and I do wish you luck

well done for having the guts!

Thanks Oliver , though I haven't figured out if it's guts or hard headedness

 

[oliver1990]

Thanks Oliver , though I haven't figured out if it's guts or hard headedness

I'm really happy that they didn't chuck you out the house or anything. It's definitely guts, it takes a lot to come out.

 

[hvk1989]

Thanks Oliver. Yes, they could have told me to leave their house. I've been in my own house for a while so I didn't have that particular pressure on me that many guys do coming out to their parents. There's still the thing of "once their son, always their son" and knowing that telling them would disappoint them does affect me on an emotional level even at my age.

On a lighter note, my dad's had both knees and hips replaced so I knew I could outrun him

 

[crowboy]

Again so happy for you Shane.



What would we have done without this place?

I too have left the hard ones last. I haven't told my two best friends (well only friends really). The reason I have not told them is I'm unsure of how they'll react. I will tell them eventually, but just not yet.

And ChickenGuy - I wish you luck.

 

[hvk1989]

As a good sign update. . . my mother called me today and said she would like to visit some more. . . she said she (they) were taken a bit off guard (I said "sure, I understand") and now that she's had some time to process, she would like to visit some more. She apologized if she and my father didn't react "the way they should have" and then she quoted Bible scripture so while I'm very glad she has questions, I may have to maintain my calm, nice voice. . . I know they mean well and care and that's what will help me stay calm. I told her anytime she wants to visit to let me know and I'll go over to their house or whatever so we'll see.

 

[Deandbn]

Hi Bud.

I just saw this thread now, so sorry it is so belated, but I also want to tell you how proud I am of you coming out. The worst part is over now and I am sure things will keep getting better as the days go by.

Best Wishes
Your friend.

 

[hvk1989]

No one may make it this far down in the thread anymore for me receiving thoughts, but I shall post it anyway. My father just stopped by the office and told me the following "I've decided gay isn't in my vocabulary because of all the negative connotations associated with it. I've decided to refer to your situation as you having a same sex attraction problem."

Is it just me or by using "situation" and appending "problem" onto the "new name" is he not just transferring all his own prejudices and preconceived notions to the new name--or his implication is. To me, I infer that he obviously thinks being gay is something that needs "fixing." **hvk shakes his head**

 

[KaraBulut]

LOL. They're trying. They just have a lot to learn.

 

[kramer362]

It doesn't sound like you did this, but you should have corrected him right there. "Actually dad, it is not a problem for me. Is it for you?"

There are countless videos and films devoted entirely to proving being gay is natural and normal, etc. If they're having a problem based on religion, then you could rent them 'For the Bible Tells Me So'. This on top of any PFLAG materials you could print out.

 

[hvk1989]

LOL. They're trying.

Indeed they are. . . which is the main reason I chose not to express my opinion to my father when he used the word "problem."


Hi kramer362

I appreciate your comments. One of the things I like about JUB is that I'm able to hear advice and opinions from several different sources. You are correct in your assessment that it isn't my problem and is my father's. However, I chose to bite my tongue from making the comment you suggested (which is no small feat because I'm not prone to confrontation avoidance) because I'm trying to be sensitive to the relative life positions others are in to whom I come out (which is far more difficult for me than making my opinion known to my dad). My parents are 68 and grew up in a very different era. My father remembers separate bathrooms, water fountains and bus seats based on skin color. I don't use the era in which they both grew up as an excuse for his social prejudices against gays; I state it to show how we are an amalgamation of our life experiences. While life experiences mustn't be used as a crutch for current or future unacceptable acts or comments, one's life experiences help others understand from what position one views a situation and can help in how to approach that person with things contrary or in opposition to their current life view (or such is my opinion and I realize everyone will have their own on such topics, which is why we have forums such as this ).

Along with social prejudices, my parents have historical religious views that merely being gay is a sin that will send you straight to hell. I spent 26 or so years repressing the fact that I was gay, not willing to admit it to myself because of my own social and religious issues. I spent about 2 1/2 months coming to terms with myself after initially admitting to someone I was gay (and I long "knew" I was gay, I just repressed the issue and never dealt with it within myself). If I wasn't honest with myself for 26 years as to my sexuality because of my own social and religious views, I think having my parents--who apparently had no clue I was gay--hear, comprehend, understand and accept the fact I am gay all in 6 days is somewhat unrealistic for me (obviously just IMO). I certainly respect and understand that everyone has their own approach to coming out. I'm initially trying an approach that doesn't have as high of a chance of putting my parents on the defensive and even more resistant towards understanding.

Please don't read too much into the paragraph above; if someone says something just so completely ignorant, then yes, I've been correcting them (such as my mother telling me I won't be able to travel with guys anymore---completely idiotic and I told her as much--of course, what one considers too "ignorant" will vary as well). I'm trying to walk a fine line between listening for clues that my parents are moving forward in their processing and coping with my sexuality versus taking corrective action when their journey skews a bit. My parents are seeing the counselor Thursday I mentioned above. I'm hoping my father mentions his new "name" for my "situation" because I highly doubt she will put up with it. And if my parents and I are having an actual discussion instead of him telling me something in passing as he's leaving the office, I will most definitely tell him that when he uses the word "problem," it implies there's something wrong with me that needs fixing, there's no wiring to be fixed within me and I don't think that's a very healthy word to use. Anyway, just my view on how I'm approaching things with my parents. It may not be the best, it may not be the worst, but it's the one I'm using until I hear or read one from someone else that I think is better. Please feel free to offer suggestions, I'll always read and listen and appreciate the feedback.