I think your doing a wonderful job. You are taking a very good approach with your parents in a difficult situation. It takes smarts and courage. Two things I like about you mate. Good onya (as we say). 
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I told my parents this afternoon I was gay
- Thread starter hvk1989
- Start date
I understand where you're coming from, and I think you're going about it in a smart way, even if I don't like to bite my tongue.
Of course, put in this position, I might not act as tough as i say. My father, who is one of the kindest and warmest guys under any circumstance, has one exception; he is a diehard homophobe who I recall as a child telling me it was a choice, they go to hell, all that good stuff that makes you feel great about yourself. He even listens to Michael Savage (barf). Fortunately we aren't close enough for it to be worth all the heartache of me telling him, so I'm never going to.
I understand prejudice tends to be learned, and not everyone was as fortunate as I was to be able to examine their beliefs and form their own opinions without being ostracized, but I swear sometimes I don't have the patience to give people patience and understanding about this when those virtues are so rarely offered to us by homophobes. I could see myself telling my parents to fuck off so easily, so I applaud your patience in trying to educate your parents, and I bet they'll come around
Keep updating!
Of course, put in this position, I might not act as tough as i say. My father, who is one of the kindest and warmest guys under any circumstance, has one exception; he is a diehard homophobe who I recall as a child telling me it was a choice, they go to hell, all that good stuff that makes you feel great about yourself. He even listens to Michael Savage (barf). Fortunately we aren't close enough for it to be worth all the heartache of me telling him, so I'm never going to.
I understand prejudice tends to be learned, and not everyone was as fortunate as I was to be able to examine their beliefs and form their own opinions without being ostracized, but I swear sometimes I don't have the patience to give people patience and understanding about this when those virtues are so rarely offered to us by homophobes. I could see myself telling my parents to fuck off so easily, so I applaud your patience in trying to educate your parents, and I bet they'll come around
Keep updating!
Thanks very much kramer 
. I'm sorry to read that your father is not more understanding of your sexuality.
lol, I've actually surprised myself a bit by my restraint, but I really think they will be able to reach a point where they are comfortable both socially and religiously with the mere fact that I'm gay. I have no expectation for them to ever be comfortable when I meet someone (but I think that goes for everyone at my church and I'll just deal with those consequences then). But perhaps I'm not giving them enough credit. Who knows.
I will--at least until we have our first real visit after me initially telling them I'm gay. It should happen sometime this week after they meet with the counselor (hopefully). I think I'm going to email the counselor with my thoughts on my father's new description to make sure her opinion is the same as mine (if she believes it is a "problem"--which I don't think she does--then I will most certainly have to reassess my approach ) and to make her aware that that is something about which she should visit with my parents. Of course, part of me thinks this all a very silly thing for a 38 year, long since living by himself, to be going through. But, I guess it's all about how I arrived here (repressing my homosexuality for sooo long) and the choices in life I'm making and for the moment this on area of my life I would like to end amicably.
. I'm sorry to read that your father is not more understanding of your sexuality. lol, I've actually surprised myself a bit by my restraint, but I really think they will be able to reach a point where they are comfortable both socially and religiously with the mere fact that I'm gay. I have no expectation for them to ever be comfortable when I meet someone (but I think that goes for everyone at my church and I'll just deal with those consequences then). But perhaps I'm not giving them enough credit. Who knows.
I will--at least until we have our first real visit after me initially telling them I'm gay. It should happen sometime this week after they meet with the counselor (hopefully). I think I'm going to email the counselor with my thoughts on my father's new description to make sure her opinion is the same as mine (if she believes it is a "problem"--which I don't think she does--then I will most certainly have to reassess my approach
) and to make her aware that that is something about which she should visit with my parents. Of course, part of me thinks this all a very silly thing for a 38 year, long since living by himself, to be going through. But, I guess it's all about how I arrived here (repressing my homosexuality for sooo long) and the choices in life I'm making and for the moment this on area of my life I would like to end amicably.
vulgar_newcomer
JUB Addict
So far things sound good.
Be aware though as things set in there will likely be some bumps in the road.
Sort of like having a car wreck and feeling fine after it when asked by the fire dept if you need to go to the hospital then a week or so later your neck is hurting from a injury that didn't appear due to the shock of the auto wreck. A delayed reaction.
All the reasons you mention and know about your family will catch up in some way with time. Not in a bad way in regards to you as their son but concern.
One thing that my Mother & Father were upset over wasn't just the obvious like your parents have expressed but they knew it was a tough road ahead of me with society which seemed more hurtful then never being a Grandparent or having a daughter in law.
I think I neglected their feelings at first and only saw this as effecting me, but with time I came to realize that I just sent a grenade into our families living room.
Even though my Sister seemed the coolest with accepting I was gay,.... I'm not so sure I read that right.
And with time certain things in my family are not how I thought they would be with my family after coming out but no doubt about it they never turned me away and show great love, sounds a lot like what you are describing. That is good.
Be aware though as things set in there will likely be some bumps in the road.
Sort of like having a car wreck and feeling fine after it when asked by the fire dept if you need to go to the hospital then a week or so later your neck is hurting from a injury that didn't appear due to the shock of the auto wreck. A delayed reaction.
All the reasons you mention and know about your family will catch up in some way with time. Not in a bad way in regards to you as their son but concern.
One thing that my Mother & Father were upset over wasn't just the obvious like your parents have expressed but they knew it was a tough road ahead of me with society which seemed more hurtful then never being a Grandparent or having a daughter in law.
I think I neglected their feelings at first and only saw this as effecting me, but with time I came to realize that I just sent a grenade into our families living room.
Even though my Sister seemed the coolest with accepting I was gay,.... I'm not so sure I read that right.
And with time certain things in my family are not how I thought they would be with my family after coming out but no doubt about it they never turned me away and show great love, sounds a lot like what you are describing. That is good.
essenceofthedark
Virgin
Congrats, and I'm glad things seem to be going slowly uphill (really, it's more than I would expect if I ever came out to my grandmother, who seems to be close to your parents in her religious believes). Good for you!!!
I think this is a good thing. At least, I find it more desireable to be pleasantly surprised with people's maturity than be unpleasantly let down by having them react unpleasantly to something I hoped they wouldn't think a big deal.
I think this is a good thing. At least, I find it more desireable to be pleasantly surprised with people's maturity than be unpleasantly let down by having them react unpleasantly to something I hoped they wouldn't think a big deal.
OK, I lied. . . I will give an update before my parents visit with the counselor since my mother stopped by the office this morning for a "visit." Before I do, however, I do want to thank everyone for their comments! I appreciate it. Hopefully, I've responded or acknowledged all of them. For the latest. ..
Thanks operafan, and that would indeed be a wonderful rest of the story. I'm currently working on figuring out how to go about establishing a healthy social network. A boyfriend thread might be one for another year. . . perhaps next, who knows.
Vulgar-- Thanks for your thoughts and comments. . . I think they are very true. Your grenade analogy is precisely the reason I've responded in the manner I've responded. I'll be honest, it's been difficult sometimes to bite my tongue, but I try to tell myself this isn't all about me, it's also about respecting the feelings of others and helping them accept me as me. I may be inferring things that aren't there, but I hope your situation with your family improves and it moves beyond a "tolerate" stage, if that's where they are with you.
As far as bumpy, indeed it will be! There's a series of pictures of mine I've shared with a few guys here that I find describe my journey so far. They weren't taken with this in mind, but I find pictures can evoke different emotional responses from me depending on my current life state. The final one does have a rocky road in it and I say that while I can now see the path, the road will not be smooth and will have rocks, but at least I'm now in a much better position to handle the bumps than I was previously.
Essenceofthedark-- thanks for your comments. I also find pleasantly surprised to be better than the alternative.
Anyway, the "Visit"
My mother stopped by the office this morning and was ready to ask a few questions, which I think was a good sign. Her first question was why, after all this time, did I decide I was gay. I re-went through the story of knowing since 7th grade, repressing everything due to my own social and religious prejudices, and the 2 1/2 to 3 months of reaching the point where I am at peace with myself. She then asked what event, if any triggered my current journey. I told her the story about my Austrian friends. She said she was wondering whether I "was hit on" by Rafael and that's why. . . I asked as in whether I was hit on by a guy and suddenly a light bulb went off in my head and I said shazam, I'm gay. um, no, he's been partnered for 8.5 years, we were having a conversation and he just asked out of normal conversation. She was also interested in who all I have told. I went through the stories and then told her the final person to tell is a cousin of mine (I've mentioned her elsewhere here). My mother asked me if I thought I really needed to tell my cousin. I thought a simple yes would suffice without anything else thrown in.
Then came the only question I really worked at controlling my reaction, but I don't think I did so well. My mother asked me whether or not I would be wiling to go to a psychologist with her and my father. I really, really tried to keep a blank look on my face without it turning into a scowl, but I don't think I was too successful. She quickly followed it up with "Well, not so much for you, but for us. Your father is very depressed and told me the other day he has no joy in his life." I refrained from saying that perhaps that's because of personal issues he has with people's sexuality, but I didn't think that was an appropriate response. She finished. I said "I would rather not go to a psychologist because I have nothing to work out with myself. However, if you think my attending would be beneficial to you and dad, then yes, I will attend, at least for a time." She seems to be getting comfortable with the mere fact that I'm gay, so that's good. She's even shared the fact with her best friend at church. We'll see how their meeting with the counselor goes. . .
Thanks operafan, and that would indeed be a wonderful rest of the story. I'm currently working on figuring out how to go about establishing a healthy social network. A boyfriend thread might be one for another year. . . perhaps next, who knows.
Vulgar-- Thanks for your thoughts and comments. . . I think they are very true. Your grenade analogy is precisely the reason I've responded in the manner I've responded. I'll be honest, it's been difficult sometimes to bite my tongue, but I try to tell myself this isn't all about me, it's also about respecting the feelings of others and helping them accept me as me. I may be inferring things that aren't there, but I hope your situation with your family improves and it moves beyond a "tolerate" stage, if that's where they are with you.
As far as bumpy, indeed it will be! There's a series of pictures of mine I've shared with a few guys here that I find describe my journey so far. They weren't taken with this in mind, but I find pictures can evoke different emotional responses from me depending on my current life state. The final one does have a rocky road in it and I say that while I can now see the path, the road will not be smooth and will have rocks, but at least I'm now in a much better position to handle the bumps than I was previously.
Essenceofthedark-- thanks for your comments. I also find pleasantly surprised to be better than the alternative.
Anyway, the "Visit"
My mother stopped by the office this morning and was ready to ask a few questions, which I think was a good sign. Her first question was why, after all this time, did I decide I was gay. I re-went through the story of knowing since 7th grade, repressing everything due to my own social and religious prejudices, and the 2 1/2 to 3 months of reaching the point where I am at peace with myself. She then asked what event, if any triggered my current journey. I told her the story about my Austrian friends. She said she was wondering whether I "was hit on" by Rafael and that's why. . . I asked as in whether I was hit on by a guy and suddenly a light bulb went off in my head and I said shazam, I'm gay. um, no, he's been partnered for 8.5 years, we were having a conversation and he just asked out of normal conversation. She was also interested in who all I have told. I went through the stories and then told her the final person to tell is a cousin of mine (I've mentioned her elsewhere here). My mother asked me if I thought I really needed to tell my cousin. I thought a simple yes would suffice without anything else thrown in.
Then came the only question I really worked at controlling my reaction, but I don't think I did so well. My mother asked me whether or not I would be wiling to go to a psychologist with her and my father. I really, really tried to keep a blank look on my face without it turning into a scowl, but I don't think I was too successful. She quickly followed it up with "Well, not so much for you, but for us. Your father is very depressed and told me the other day he has no joy in his life." I refrained from saying that perhaps that's because of personal issues he has with people's sexuality, but I didn't think that was an appropriate response. She finished. I said "I would rather not go to a psychologist because I have nothing to work out with myself. However, if you think my attending would be beneficial to you and dad, then yes, I will attend, at least for a time." She seems to be getting comfortable with the mere fact that I'm gay, so that's good. She's even shared the fact with her best friend at church. We'll see how their meeting with the counselor goes. . .
It depends entirely on what kind it is. If your parents are very religious (like it sounds like) and their purpose is to take you to a religious nutcase counselor to understand yourself and why you "chose" to be gay, you can guess how well that will go (poorly).
If they are going to someone with an actual scientific background in psychology who understands that being gay is totally normal and the purpose is to help them understand, then that might be ok.
That might be an understatement.
Oh hotatlboi, I know you didn't mean it this way, but I must admit I got a chuckle out of the mental image I had from your statement---I envision a "gay intervention" lol---and yes, you're quite correct. . . it would go very poorly indeed. The individual they're seeing tomorrow is the same lady I met with a few weeks ago (it's documented somewhere here so I won't re-hash). Suffice to say she is a lesbian who leads a support group out of my old undergrad but teaches a "gay lifestyle" that my church can handle (single & celibate). She doesn't go down the choice path and has little patience for intolerance. I think it will be good for my parents to hear her story and her views.
As far as the psychologist goes, my mother is interested in seeing an actual, licensed psychologist. I'm not certain whether or not the psychologist has any experience in parents coping with their children being gay, but you make an excellent point (yes, which is why you made it to begin with
, I know but thought I would say it anyway)!
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You might want to meet with psychologist in advance and determine if he/she has a religious agenda. The area where you live has quite a few "therapists" who have personal agendas.
If you don't feel comfortable with the psychologist, then find one to your liking and ask you parents to do a similar interview with the therapist you have chosen.
If you don't feel comfortable with the psychologist, then find one to your liking and ask you parents to do a similar interview with the therapist you have chosen.
ChickenGuy
Likes cock.
Hmmm... I know I may bring pre-conceived ideas and bias to this, but I may as well state my opinion....
This whole business about counsellors, therapists, psychologists etc. is just a complete waste of time.
The best person that can explain the issue to your parents is you yourself.
It seems that your parents are not willing to accept their own son's judgement and are delegating it to a third party, who may, as has been suggested, have religious motives.
Note how you seem to be being portrayed as 'in the dock' - 'the accused' who must explain your outrageous actions and behaviour, and your mother casting aspersions.
Now don't get me wrong - I'm sure your parents are confused and upset and searching for answers, but it seems that they've already decided to reject the one person who can give them their answers - you.
Unfortunately, I have no alternative other than just seeing how it goes, as any extreme aggression or assertiveness on your part may cause a rift to develop with your parents which is obviously not the best outcome.
I sympathise with you having to put up with all this, and hopefully the atmosphere can remain cordial and polite and that your parents will hopefully learn to accept YOUR judgements and explanations over those that are less in the know.
P.S. You've now got me thinking if my own father will react similarly - (worried)
Edit: I should probably clarify that my second line is my own personal opinion for my own situation, and is not relevant to your circumstances. The rest is the situation as it pertains to you.
This whole business about counsellors, therapists, psychologists etc. is just a complete waste of time.
The best person that can explain the issue to your parents is you yourself.
It seems that your parents are not willing to accept their own son's judgement and are delegating it to a third party, who may, as has been suggested, have religious motives.
Note how you seem to be being portrayed as 'in the dock' - 'the accused' who must explain your outrageous actions and behaviour, and your mother casting aspersions.
Now don't get me wrong - I'm sure your parents are confused and upset and searching for answers, but it seems that they've already decided to reject the one person who can give them their answers - you.
Unfortunately, I have no alternative other than just seeing how it goes, as any extreme aggression or assertiveness on your part may cause a rift to develop with your parents which is obviously not the best outcome.
I sympathise with you having to put up with all this, and hopefully the atmosphere can remain cordial and polite and that your parents will hopefully learn to accept YOUR judgements and explanations over those that are less in the know.
P.S. You've now got me thinking if my own father will react similarly - (worried)
Edit: I should probably clarify that my second line is my own personal opinion for my own situation, and is not relevant to your circumstances. The rest is the situation as it pertains to you.
Darkflower
JUB Addict
Congratulations!
I am consistently inspired by the courage I witness in this thread, and in other venues where I have occasion to read or hear about people sharing who they truly are with the people in their lives who have the most power to hurt them with rejection.
I am always elated when it turns out well, and wish I could adopt everyone who wasn't so lucky.
"I'll be your mom!" lol
I am consistently inspired by the courage I witness in this thread, and in other venues where I have occasion to read or hear about people sharing who they truly are with the people in their lives who have the most power to hurt them with rejection.
I am always elated when it turns out well, and wish I could adopt everyone who wasn't so lucky.
"I'll be your mom!" lol
Oh my. . . such wonderful points, suggestions, thoughts and well wishes you're making. Thanks very much--you give me much on which to ponder.
You once again make a very good point KaraBulut which I think may prompt me to provide some details on my thinking regarding the whole psychologist visit. Before I do, everyone please keep in mind that I am currently approaching this from the standpoint of knowing what the religious views of anyone from my church with whom I'm visiting will be. . . . which is merely being gay doesn't send one to hell, it's the "practice of" that is the issue. While some church people I visit with might have different definitions of "practice of," I'm quite content presenting to them that the only thing they should be worried about (again, approaching it from their religious perspective) is gay sex. [In other words, I don't intend this to begin a discussion on what should or should not be considered a sin. Please take it as a given this is what people in my church believe and that that is the view I intend to currently address--make sense hopefully]
In visiting with my mother, she got off on a tangent about sin and choice. She used going to a bar and having sex with a prostitute as an example of a "bad choice." I told her there was no need for her to choose as her example something on the far end of the spectrum. A better example would be one that is more directly analogous to me. From our church teachings, for a hetero to go to a bar and take a person of the opposite sex home and have sex with that person when they are not married is sinful. Going anywhere, whether it be a bar or otherwise (okay, not a strip club), looking, watching visiting with is not a problem. The same should then apply with homosexuals if merely being gay is not wrong (remember what I said above about how I'm approaching it--they first need to get comfortable with "I'm gay but can hang out with other gay folk" first, before being presented with anything that I know goes against anything anyone in my church believes). She got a rather interesting look on her face of "well, that kinda makes sense. . . sort of. . . "
She then started making a comment about "it" (not sure what to what "it" she was referring) being a choice and that she has done some things in her life she's ashamed of but that I have a choice. I told her everyone has and makes choices every day. . . she had a choice when she chose to engage in the activity of which she's ashamed and that when it comes to things that we, as a church, consider sinful, we always have a choice. Sometimes we're not as successful in making the choice but we always have a choice. Sin is sin from the church's perspective--whether it's the "little white lie" or fornication. The degree matters not. She said, "Well, I guess that's true. . . "
So why do I give those examples (sorry, did I mention I'm a tad verbose). To reply to your comment KaraBulut that I'm quite confident that whatever psychologist my parents go to will indeed have a religious agenda; however, I know the agenda and I'm not currently engaging in any activity that they should find objectionable. I am quite comfortable having religious discussions with them using my current status as the item which is put under the microscope. In the end for me at my current life position, I just don't know how much seeing a psychologist who has a religious agenda bothers me because I know exactly what the agenda will be---but I've been wrong numerous times before. You do make a most excellent point!
The other reason I'm not certain how concerned I am of a psychologist is a comment ChickenGuy makes (you makes serveral, actually
).
Let me just get this off my chest, and, apologies to any JUBers who are, but I strongly dislike psychologists (no, no 'why do you strongly dislike psychologist questions'--it will only get you a
)
In the sense that I need to visit a psychologist in order to "work through my issues" or to find some hidden, mysterious reason as to "why I think I may be gay" (ooh, that one would really set me off), I agree wholeheartedly that it is a complete waste of time. I've already told some of the people that asked. . .there's no confusion, no floundering, and there was no guy who complimented me causing me to "suddenly decide" to be gay. I just am but have only recently been able to internally accept it. For my parents to understand that and for them to work through their social prejudices, a counselor may, indeed help them. However, when I gave my response to my mother--as far as my preference being no but I would go if she thought it would indeed help them, she almost seemed to change her mind about seeing a psychologist. The more I thought about it yesterday, the more it annoyed me because it gave me the impression she was not being truthful with me--she never really intended the psychologist to help her and my father--it's really her continuing to think that I can be "fixed" or that something has happened to make me "think" I'm gay and I'm not a big fan of subterfuge. My patience wears thin and my annoyance level rises when someone as close as my parents can't be honest with me regarding their true thoughts. However, I do try to stay calm [but my posts get really lengthy ]
hmmm, that's an interesting observation. I really don't know why there is the apparent inability for my parents to accept what I say at face value. My parents may be rejecting what I have to say because they think I'm confused. Or, it could be that they think that if indeed I just "am" gay, that I became that way because of some lack of proper parenting on their part (again, they don't have positive views on being gay and I get the sense they are very ashamed of it--questions like "Are you sure you want to tell your cousin" are a clue). I've told them me being gay has nothing to do with anything they did or didn't do raising me. It may just be a situation where someone other then me needs to tell them that (the person they're seeing today should be telling them that along with the fact that being gay is not a choice---she got very annoyed when I mentioned someone I told mentioned choice--she was quite vehement in saying it's not a choice).
I certainly hope it remains cordial and nice--I struggle with it when some comments are made. . . but I keep telling myself my parents are working through things I spent 2.5 months working through and should try to remain patient.
Thanks for your comments! though I've still not figured out if it's courage or hard-headedness
You once again make a very good point KaraBulut which I think may prompt me to provide some details on my thinking regarding the whole psychologist visit. Before I do, everyone please keep in mind that I am currently approaching this from the standpoint of knowing what the religious views of anyone from my church with whom I'm visiting will be. . . . which is merely being gay doesn't send one to hell, it's the "practice of" that is the issue. While some church people I visit with might have different definitions of "practice of," I'm quite content presenting to them that the only thing they should be worried about (again, approaching it from their religious perspective) is gay sex. [In other words, I don't intend this to begin a discussion on what should or should not be considered a sin. Please take it as a given this is what people in my church believe and that that is the view I intend to currently address--make sense hopefully]
In visiting with my mother, she got off on a tangent about sin and choice. She used going to a bar and having sex with a prostitute as an example of a "bad choice." I told her there was no need for her to choose as her example something on the far end of the spectrum. A better example would be one that is more directly analogous to me. From our church teachings, for a hetero to go to a bar and take a person of the opposite sex home and have sex with that person when they are not married is sinful. Going anywhere, whether it be a bar or otherwise (okay, not a strip club), looking, watching visiting with is not a problem. The same should then apply with homosexuals if merely being gay is not wrong (remember what I said above about how I'm approaching it--they first need to get comfortable with "I'm gay but can hang out with other gay folk" first, before being presented with anything that I know goes against anything anyone in my church believes). She got a rather interesting look on her face of "well, that kinda makes sense. . . sort of. . . "
She then started making a comment about "it" (not sure what to what "it" she was referring) being a choice and that she has done some things in her life she's ashamed of but that I have a choice. I told her everyone has and makes choices every day. . . she had a choice when she chose to engage in the activity of which she's ashamed and that when it comes to things that we, as a church, consider sinful, we always have a choice. Sometimes we're not as successful in making the choice but we always have a choice. Sin is sin from the church's perspective--whether it's the "little white lie" or fornication. The degree matters not. She said, "Well, I guess that's true. . . "
So why do I give those examples (sorry, did I mention I'm a tad verbose). To reply to your comment KaraBulut that I'm quite confident that whatever psychologist my parents go to will indeed have a religious agenda; however, I know the agenda and I'm not currently engaging in any activity that they should find objectionable. I am quite comfortable having religious discussions with them using my current status as the item which is put under the microscope. In the end for me at my current life position, I just don't know how much seeing a psychologist who has a religious agenda bothers me because I know exactly what the agenda will be---but I've been wrong numerous times before. You do make a most excellent point!
The other reason I'm not certain how concerned I am of a psychologist is a comment ChickenGuy makes (you makes serveral, actually
). Let me just get this off my chest, and, apologies to any JUBers who are, but I strongly dislike psychologists (no, no 'why do you strongly dislike psychologist questions'--it will only get you a
) In the sense that I need to visit a psychologist in order to "work through my issues" or to find some hidden, mysterious reason as to "why I think I may be gay" (ooh, that one would really set me off
), I agree wholeheartedly that it is a complete waste of time. I've already told some of the people that asked. . .there's no confusion, no floundering, and there was no guy who complimented me causing me to "suddenly decide" to be gay. I just am but have only recently been able to internally accept it. For my parents to understand that and for them to work through their social prejudices, a counselor may, indeed help them. However, when I gave my response to my mother--as far as my preference being no but I would go if she thought it would indeed help them, she almost seemed to change her mind about seeing a psychologist. The more I thought about it yesterday, the more it annoyed me because it gave me the impression she was not being truthful with me--she never really intended the psychologist to help her and my father--it's really her continuing to think that I can be "fixed" or that something has happened to make me "think" I'm gay and I'm not a big fan of subterfuge. My patience wears thin and my annoyance level rises when someone as close as my parents can't be honest with me regarding their true thoughts. However, I do try to stay calm [but my posts get really lengthy ]hmmm, that's an interesting observation. I really don't know why there is the apparent inability for my parents to accept what I say at face value. My parents may be rejecting what I have to say because they think I'm confused. Or, it could be that they think that if indeed I just "am" gay, that I became that way because of some lack of proper parenting on their part (again, they don't have positive views on being gay and I get the sense they are very ashamed of it--questions like "Are you sure you want to tell your cousin" are a clue). I've told them me being gay has nothing to do with anything they did or didn't do raising me. It may just be a situation where someone other then me needs to tell them that (the person they're seeing today should be telling them that along with the fact that being gay is not a choice---she got very annoyed when I mentioned someone I told mentioned choice--she was quite vehement in saying it's not a choice).
I certainly hope it remains cordial and nice--I struggle with it when some comments are made. . . but I keep telling myself my parents are working through things I spent 2.5 months working through and should try to remain patient.
Thanks for your comments! though I've still not figured out if it's courage or hard-headedness
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Your parents are from a different time and place. They're trying to equate something they don't understand with something they do- the Calvinist concepts of sin and "choice".
The middle ground, if they ever reach it, is to equate everything to sexual relations within a committed relationship/marriage. That's a big leap from their church's beliefs because their church doesn't recognize that straight and gay relationships are equal.
If they're seeing a religous-based counselor, it's not going to answer their questions. Perhaps it will be healthy for them to have someone to talk with about their feelings but it won't get them closer to understanding or peace.
But that is their choice...
The middle ground, if they ever reach it, is to equate everything to sexual relations within a committed relationship/marriage. That's a big leap from their church's beliefs because their church doesn't recognize that straight and gay relationships are equal.
If they're seeing a religous-based counselor, it's not going to answer their questions. Perhaps it will be healthy for them to have someone to talk with about their feelings but it won't get them closer to understanding or peace.
But that is their choice...
Yes KaraBulut, you are quite right regarding how my parents are approaching things. Before my parents try to reach the type of middle ground of which you speak, they first must get comfortable with me merely being gay. They did meet with the counselor last week and apparently it went well for them. The "counselor" they saw is not a psychologist; however, my parents currently plan on seeing a clinical psychologist without me, which I think is a good thing (me not going to see the psychologist. . . whether actually seeing one is good is quite debateable). The psychologist is a religious based psychologist who will only be able to help my parents come to understand/accept me being gay. For them, that IS quite a huge leap. As my brother was opining the other day. . . if and when I do meet someone, my parents (who are 68.), even when they are on their death bed, won't understand that. Hope always springs eternal, they may eventually tolerate it, but I just don't think they'll ever accept it.
They are growing a bit, though. . . we spoke several times at the end of last week and had lunch Sunday with nothing mentioned about being concerned for my soul, the issue of choice/inherent or details about my Friday/Saturday evenings. Whether they've decided they don't want to know or something else, I don't really know. I do discuss everything freely with my sister-in-law and brother so I do have family that is completely accepting of whatever happens. For that, I'm very grateful.
I enjoy photography--mainly landscape/nature/architectural photography. While I certainly didn't take any of these photos with this process in mind, I find it interesting that I can browse through my pictures and their meaning to me shifts over time, depending on my life's situation. I've shared this with a few guys, but now that my parents seem to be making some forward progress, I think I'll share it here since it's how I've seen things the last four months in shortened form. . .
While I tend to be verbose, I think my last four months can be summed up in five photos of mine:
The picture I spoke of in which I felt all alone taking the picture:
How I felt for the first few months. . . I couldn't see my path or get my bearings. . . I felt quite alone and lost:
There were days where I could see the sun trying to come through the clouds, but there was still quite a bit of darkness:
The sun finally broke through:
I can now see a path and the sun is shining, though, as in the picture, the path may have curves and rocks, but it is a path and I once again have my bearings:
I don't know what the next days, weeks or months may bring (I know there will be challenges), but I know that I am comfortable with myself, my close friends and family know the "whole" me and my parents seem to be trying to work through at least part of their issues with homosexuality. My friends both in Austria and those here that have responded both publicly and privately have been a great help! Now I just need to find a good social circle. . . I guess there's always something isn't there?. . . I'll keep things posted.
kevinsexh8
Slut
i don't know if i ever can do that, my parents family always told shit about gays. the parents of the guy that i like already know. idon't know, hvk1989 congrats 4 the big step