I totally fell in love with my fuck buddy. Want to marry him :(

[fallinlove]

For four months, I've been having sex with one guy who I meet 2-3 times a week. We're both around 30 years old. It's a little more than just "fuck buddy" - we also sleep together, watch tv together, met each others friends sometimes. We expressed the fact that we like each other. However, it is not a closed relationship (although i've decided i dont want to have sex with anyone while i'm with him). We are not considered boyfriends.

He's a wonderful guy, very nice, and is the best sexual parter i've ever had. After four months, I've come to the conclusion that he's the one. I love him, care for him, want to give him everything. I totally fell in love with the guy!

However, I'm almost sure he does not feel the same way. Especially in the last two weeks, he's become more cold. I can tell by the things he says and does. I barely eat or sleep now. I cry a lot. It's horrible. I know that he is also having sex outside this 'relationship'.

- Should I just pour my heart out and tell him how i feel? When he will tell me he does not feel the same way, I'm afraid he'll be too freaked out and will not want to see me again.
- Or, should I just let the relationship slowly end on its own? In many ways, I feel the need to tell him how I feel, even if it won't be reciprocated.

Love can be so cruel sometimes.... he's the one, yet I know I can't have him ((

 

[future_retro]

I think you must tell him. At least you'll know you've given it a shot. You never know - it may be the beginning of a real relationship with the guy. Quite likely it won't be though, and could well mark the end of you guys being fuck buddies - which would also be a good thing because it would be absolute torture to continue as you are and to get closer and closer to him if he doesn't feel the same way. So either way, I think there are benefits to telling him.

 

[dreamerboi]

Been there, done that. You need to let him know how you feel asap. If he is spending all this time with you, it's likely that he thinks of you more than a fuck buddy.

 

[Seasoned]

If you can make a clean break in case things go badly, tell him. The worse thing for you would be to continue to see him after hearing he's not interested. It doesn't sound like you're the fuck buddy type, which is neither good nor bad, but it helps you as you move on. I suppose you could be surprised by a positive reaction from him but it seems as if he can do the fuck buddy thing and, in the end, may not be compatible with your approach. Good luck to you and I'm sorry that you're hurting.

 

[KaraBulut]

You agreed to a relationship under certain terms.

Now you want to change those terms.

The right thing to do is to tell him that you want more than just a fuckbuddy thing.

If he doesn't want that, then it would be better for the two of you to just be friends and not fuck anymore. It's not fair to you to long for something that he can't provide. It would be better for you to find the relationship you want... with someone else.

If he does agree to change the terms from fuckbuddy to boyfriends, then you need to have a long talk about what that means. Chances are that he's not ready for a committed, monogamous relationship. You need to think about whether that's a dealbreaker for you.

 

[hotatlboi]

I think you must tell him. At least you'll know you've given it a shot. You never know - it may be the beginning of a real relationship with the guy. Quite likely it won't be though, and could well mark the end of you guys being fuck buddies - which would also be a good thing because it would be absolute torture to continue as you are and to get closer and closer to him if he doesn't feel the same way. So either way, I think there are benefits to telling him.

Completely agree. Either him feeling the same way or you two not seeing each other would be better for you than the current situation. So tell him.

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

Let him know that you have feelings for him for him now, that you'd like more. (If not it's going to only complicate things a lot more) If he doesn't feel the same, walk. There is no such thing as just being friends without the feelings aspect.- If he walks, and feels like you were something he wants in his life, he will find you, just don't settle.

Talk.. See how he feels... Stop keeping it all inside.. But walk away for your own mental health if he isn't ready for that right now in his life. Because it will eat at you because you will be waiting for him to be ready, and he might never be. So, make up your mind going in. Best of luck.

 

[fluxflux]

I have had many a good fuck buddy arrangement ruined because my fuck buddy ended up getting feelings and wanted more out of the "relationship".

We all like to think that we can keep sex and emotion separate but not all guys can.

From what you have said, I don't think this will end well.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Take the advice of Seasoned and KaraBulut. Keep us posted.

 

[fallinlove]

I've been in other fuck buddy relationships before and was able to separate sex and emotion more or less.

But this isnt just some crush. This guy is my husband in my eyes. His shy personality, quietness, calmness, etc etc...are all a perfect match for me. He's also exceptionally good looking (and i am not), so that makes it extra difficult to realize that i'll never get to "strike gold" again. I know it sounds superficial...

If he does not love me back (which im almost certain he wont), i'd like to still remain on friendly terms with him. I can manage to do that. I've done it in the past. I really dont want to walk away from this altogether.

I'll keep you all posted. Thanks for the support. Uchhhh I barely ate today

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

But this isn't just some crush. This guy is my husband in my eyes.

If he does not love me back (which im almost certain he wont), i'd like to still remain on friendly terms with him. I can manage to do that. I've done it in the past.

i'll never get to "strike gold" again

I've been in other fuck buddy relationships before and was able to separate sex and emotion more or less.

If you think about it, you arent' able to keep them separate from each other.

I can manage to do that. I've done it in the past.

I still think a clean break is best if things don't work out like you hope them to. You're going to keep misreading friendship as a chance at something more, and it's going to make you insecure, and unstable at the same time. Mentally it's going to put you off a lot worse then you are now. I mean you aren't eating, you are crying, you are falling apart... Which isn't very attractive. Most people think a clean break means the end of things, but all relationships are- are just enjoying one anothers company. People crave permanency, but it doesn't exist. Good luck with letting him know, hopefully things go well, but my advice still stands.

 

[fallinlove]

People crave permanency, but it doesn't exist.

People do and I certainly do. It bothers me a lot that people just move on so quickly from friendships and relationships.

My biggest fear is that one day I will find a special someone, but I'll always place him as second best to this current guy.

 

[HunterM]

My biggest fear is that one day I will find a special someone, but I'll always place him as second best to this current guy.

Given time, this too shall pass. Don't worry about this. Keep moving on. Keep dating other people. When you find the special someone, that special someone will be your priority.

 

[fluxflux]

Dude you need to watch 500 Days of Summer.......

 

[Rolyo85]

First of all, communicate. DO NOT tell the guy "Oh my god, I love you, you are my husband in my eyes!!!" This will end with him running away screaming, possibly literally.

The problem here is that this has been going on for a while with you, and you didn't say anything. Which is the reason why he has been distancing himself lately. He senses there is something weird, but has no idea what, and you are not talking to him about it.

I was in a similar situation around Christmas break. I'd been seeing this guy on an almost daily basis, we were definitely friends, and also fuck buddies, and we had discussed it and decided that we were not really looking for more from each other. I could tell he was more interested in me than I was in him, but he was not allowing himself to go along with it. But then things started changing for ME. And so I talked to him about it, tentatively at first. A moment came when there was another guy in the picture, as a very hypothetical dating interest for him, so I just told him the following:

"I know we said we were not looking for anything serious, but things have changed for me. I really like you a lot, and I am willing to wait for you to get there if you need time."

Of course, I wasn't as cool saying it, and I was really scared I'd push him away, but I didn't. We've been getting closer and closer, and I can safely say this is the first guy I've ever truly loved. And I told him that the day before yesterday. He made me pancakes the next morning

The ONLY way to have a chance with these feelings that develop in officially feelingless situations is to communicate WHILE things are developing. You CAN'T go up to him and tell him you love him. That's in direct contradiction with everything he thinks you've been doing together. But you can and should tell him that things have changed for you, and he's become more important to you than simply a fuck buddy. Give him an out, tell him you don't expect him to reciprocate, and that you accept that he isn't feeling the same way, but that if he does, you would like to maybe try something more serious.

And make it clear (even if it's a total lie) that you don't care about him having sex with others. As someone who is very good at separating sex and feelings, I can tell you that if he's used to multiple partners, asking for monogamy will only shatter your already slim chances here. If you want anything with him to work, it has to start on the non-sexual level. Sex needs to not be a factor. And if his feelings for you develop, he will naturally drift towards exclusivity with you.

 

[fallinlove]

First of all, communicate. DO NOT tell the guy "Oh my god, I love you, you are my husband in my eyes!!!" This will end with him running away screaming, possibly literally.

The problem here is that this has been going on for a while with you, and you didn't say anything. Which is the reason why he has been distancing himself lately. He senses there is something weird, but has no idea what, and you are not talking to him about it.

I was in a similar situation around Christmas break. I'd been seeing this guy on an almost daily basis, we were definitely friends, and also fuck buddies, and we had discussed it and decided that we were not really looking for more from each other. I could tell he was more interested in me than I was in him, but he was not allowing himself to go along with it. But then things started changing for ME. And so I talked to him about it, tentatively at first. A moment came when there was another guy in the picture, as a very hypothetical dating interest for him, so I just told him the following:

"I know we said we were not looking for anything serious, but things have changed for me. I really like you a lot, and I am willing to wait for you to get there if you need time."

Of course, I wasn't as cool saying it, and I was really scared I'd push him away, but I didn't. We've been getting closer and closer, and I can safely say this is the first guy I've ever truly loved. And I told him that the day before yesterday. He made me pancakes the next morning

The ONLY way to have a chance with these feelings that develop in officially feelingless situations is to communicate WHILE things are developing. You CAN'T go up to him and tell him you love him. That's in direct contradiction with everything he thinks you've been doing together. But you can and should tell him that things have changed for you, and he's become more important to you than simply a fuck buddy. Give him an out, tell him you don't expect him to reciprocate, and that you accept that he isn't feeling the same way, but that if he does, you would like to maybe try something more serious.

And make it clear (even if it's a total lie) that you don't care about him having sex with others. As someone who is very good at separating sex and feelings, I can tell you that if he's used to multiple partners, asking for monogamy will only shatter your already slim chances here. If you want anything with him to work, it has to start on the non-sexual level. Sex needs to not be a factor. And if his feelings for you develop, he will naturally drift towards exclusivity with you.

Thanks for sharing your story. This is pretty much the direction I want to take when i talk to him. It's still such a difficult and sensitive issue. I just wish that he would bring up the discussion already.

Two weeks have passed since my original post and I did not yet have the courage to speak to him. Just starting the first few words of the conversation is scaring me. I hope to do it soon if i see him.

 

[Rolyo85]

I know it's a strong issue for you, but don't let it show so much. Don't be that nervous, accept that whatever he feels, you have no control over it at the moment, and just focus on making him feel comfortable. Which starts by getting YOURSELF to feel comfortable. In the end, there are other guys and no one guy defines your happiness, especially BEFORE you've become a couple.

And since you are the one with the feelings, waiting and hoping for him to bring something up is escaping responsibility. You should do that yourself.

 

[hylas]

you know, its not impossible to go from fuck-buddies to a more serious relationship. ive done it in the past. but it obviously only works out if both parties feel that way. ive distanced myself in the past from guys who i felt were getting a little intense, while i wasnt interested in anything more.

 

[mbamike]

I agree with Loki. Talk to the guy.

I fell in love with the first guy to fuck me. He was a hookup I met on A4A. He was supposed to have been a one-time hookup, but we really clicked and spent an entire weekend together. I met him on a business trip. We agreed to hookup again the following weekend for I was traveling to that town again. Long story short, he broke my heart, but I got over him.

Then a few months ago, I had a fuck buddy to fall in love with me. We hooked up, off and on, for about eight months. He wanted to go exclusive and to have a real relationship. I did not want that. So, we stopped all contact with one another. We had terrific sex together too. I still think about him though.

 

[trouvé]

Been there, done this. And I'm relatively new with getting close with other men, so it really does suck.

an idea: sit him down and tell him that you need to call off the fuck-buddy agreement. When he asks why, say that you're falling for him and that it can't continue like this. It seems that he'll either

a) appreciate that you're calling it off before it gets too emotionally complicated or

b) (if he does feel mutual) see that you care about him enough to call of the physical intimacy because you care too much about y'alls friendship, and perhaps things can improve from there

I'm no relationship expert, but that's my 2 cents