I use to feel like an idiot, but not anymore! (New Title Change!)

[hvk1989]

As some of you may have read on my somewhat stream of consciousness thread here, I'm planning/hoping to come out to a friend tomorrow evening. I'm headed to Houston this afternoon for a wedding and am meeting him there. Things had an unexpected turn this morning that I'm now feeling very depressed over it--like I missed a great opportunity.

The wedding is of a former co-worker and some other co-workers who I haven't seen in 6 years will be there. The last time they saw me I was slightly over 300 lbs. (136 kg). I'm now at--depending on the morning-- 165 lbs. (75 kg). Needless to say, I'm looking forward to the shocked looks on their faces (hee-hee). To compliment the altered me for my former co-workers, I had my hair stylist highlight my tips yesterday. I work with my brother and my father, since he retired, comes in occasionally and helps out. My parents saw me at church last night so this morning when I saw my dad I asked him whether my mom liked the hair. My dad's response, was "let me get this straight, you're headed down to Houston to meet some guys you've not seen in a while so you get your hair highlighted. Is there something you're not telling me that I don't know and really don't want to know" He said it in his sarcastic tone so I know he was joking (parents are quite homophobic) but with everything that's gone on lately, I was taken quite aback. At other times in my life, I would have sarcastically said yes or disgustedly said no. I've decided I'm no longer to lie about who I am if asked, but (if anyone has read the various religious issues I will face, telling my father at this point in time would cause them to be faced immediately and that's not something for which I'm currently prepared) I don't think the time is right to tell him either. All I could muster, with what must have been a look of anguish on my face, was a slight smile with no yes or no response.

Now I was somewhat focused on the whole issue (stomach churning, etc) and I decided that I had a really good opportunity once my father left to bring up to my brother (who doesn't attend church and won't have religious issues to throw in my face) the fact that I'm gay with a nice segue about whether he thinks our dad would have keeled over if I had said "yes, as a matter of fact there is, I'm gay." Unfortunately, right then our next door neighbor called to go to lunch and now I'm headed to Houston. I feel like I missed a really good opportunity to tell my brother and really don't like myself much at the moment. In fact, I'm typing this in the parking lot of where we ate hoping it won't bother me this much for the next 4 1/2 hours.

 

[Telstra]

Re: I feel like such an idiot

wow, from 136 kg to 75kg ?

Thats half your body weight gone. If you have before pics, go to weigh lost TV commercials and make some money from your hard work.

I think the important thing is to feel good yourself. No need to show off to former work mates.
They would be very curious about your exercise and diet.

 

[blahman16]

Re: I feel like such an idiot

^ I just noticed your profile pic is a butt globe. lol

 

[Telstra]

Re: I feel like such an idiot

this thread is about hvk1989

 

[Seasoned]

Re: I feel like such an idiot

It was AN opportunity, not THE opportunity. Considering the homophobia you've health with your entire life from loved ones, it's no wonder you didn't jump at this chance. Take your brother aside for a lunch or dinner and tell him sometime soon after you get back from the wedding. Don't drop it on him at work. Give him the opportunity to have the time to be supportive.

Congrats on all your progress. The weight loss is fantastic. Tell us what happened when these old school buddies saw you.

 

[hvk1989]

Re: I feel like such an idiot

Thanks soreknees. Your advice really makes me feel better. I have down time at the hotel so I thought I would share the various things I worked out over the drive:

1) I seem to be much more susceptible to things affecting me emotionally these days then in the past. It's quite odd and I wonder whether it's normal;
2) I think I may have overreacted (yes, everyone can give me the sarcastic "no");
3) I need to look at the positive side of it and not the negative---there was a time in my life that the notion of telling anyone I was gay was such a foreign concept because of me not making the open admission to myself that the fact I was upset that I didn't take an opportunity means I've progressed quite a ways ;
4) soreknees, you are correct, I DO still have a good opportunity to tell my brother given the comment my father made and am more confident it will be sooner rather than later;
5) My experience has been that when I have made a sarcastic comment about something, I do so because I think there might be a thread of truth in it. Perhaps somewhere deep down, my dad thinks or suspects I'm gay. That could certainly help when I do tell him; and finaly
6) It makes me want to make sure I have a good opportunity while here in Houston to tell my friend--I should have a much better opportunity than the brief one this morning. Off to rehearsal dinner. . .

 

[hvk1989]

Re: I feel like such an idiot--but not now

Good news and much relief. While I was planning on coming out to my best former co-worker friend tonight after the wedding, an opportunity presented itself on the way back to the hotel last night and I told him. I was quite nervous but he was very, very cool with it! The various opinions and advice scattered out throughout the threads here at JUB have been great (and that provided by my Austrian friends)! My friend sort of chastised me when he asked what I thought the worst thing was that he would do. I said, well, not wanting to do anything with me anymore and he replied "well, I wouldn't be much of a friend, would I." He was quite supportive and thanked me having the courage to tell him what he knows is quite difficult given my background. He is quite the friend! I cried (but it was good).

For the first time in about two months, I actually slept good and thoughts on coming out and playing the "what-if" games have not filled my head today. I feel at peace with myself in a way I haven't in a very, very long time--if ever! It's been so nice to finally feel like I'm being "myself" around him knowing that he knows I'm gay without having any adverse consequences to our relationship. I know I still have challenging people ahead to tell and the other looming issue with which I have to deal (the religious thing, well documented elsewhere), but I'm going to enjoy the moment!

As to the weight loss stories of last night, I'm rather new to the whole forum etiquette thing but I'll blog about it (really, I will) Sunday when I have time because it seems a tad off-topic for this thread--I originally included it as background material not as primary thread material.

 

[hvk1989]

Re: I feel like such an idiot

So is there any way to change the title of this main thread to something more positive sounding now?? Or am I stuck with what it is currently?

 

[KaraBulut]

Re: I feel like such an idiot

It can be changed. Just click on Post Report and submit a request to have a mod change it.





<-- Post Report is over there on the left side.

 

[Centexfarmer]

Re: I feel like such an idiot

So is there any way to change the title of this main thread to something more positive sounding now?? Or am I stuck with what it is currently?

Done!

Congratulations on learning how to breath in your own skin!

 

[spencer]

Congrats, it's sounds as if you're dad was asking you leading questions. He wants you to tell him, but by joking he's trying to make it easier for you. Religious or not, they love you.

 

[hvk1989]

Thanks centexfarmer.

He wants you to tell him, but by joking he's trying to make it easier for you.

That would certainly be nice and a good thing, but it's one of the things I overthink. He's made somewhat similar jokes in the past, but since I wasn't where I am now as far as coming out to myself and beginning the journey of coming out to certain friends/family, my past reactions were completely different. Since I am where I am now, my judgment regarding his intent could very well be impaired, IMO---I would love for your quote to be the case and can make reasonable arguments as to why it is the case, but, on the other hand, am I being realistic taking into consideration his past actions. I just don't know.

Religious or not, they love you.

Thanks for reminding me of that. I think I need to print it out and look at it often.

 

[spencer]

For me, my dad takes it better than my mom about being gay. AND I'm a momma's boy. My mom just can't get over it. My dad is like, whatever make you happy. And they're both super religious.

 

[crowboy]

Re: I feel like such an idiot--but not now

Good news and much relief. While I was planning on coming out to my best former co-worker friend tonight after the wedding, an opportunity presented itself on the way back to the hotel last night and I told him. I was quite nervous but he was very, very cool with it! The various opinions and advice scattered out throughout the threads here at JUB have been great (and that provided by my Austrian friends)! My friend sort of chastised me when he asked what I thought the worst thing was that he would do. I said, well, not wanting to do anything with me anymore and he replied "well, I wouldn't be much of a friend, would I." He was quite supportive and thanked me having the courage to tell him what he knows is quite difficult given my background. He is quite the friend! I cried (but it was good).

You are lucky to have such a friend. I'm glad that you have him and that it went well.

For the first time in about two months, I actually slept good and thoughts on coming out and playing the "what-if" games have not filled my head today. I feel at peace with myself in a way I haven't in a very, very long time--if ever! It's been so nice to finally feel like I'm being "myself" around him knowing that he knows I'm gay without having any adverse consequences to our relationship. I know I still have challenging people ahead to tell and the other looming issue with which I have to deal (the religious thing, well documented elsewhere), but I'm going to enjoy the moment!

A good sleep. How wonderful it is. Things are better for me now I'm sleeping better. Glad the same for you. I know what you mean about being "myself". I never thought about how much energy I was spending pretending and covering up things. It is so good that I am slowly chanelling that into other things. It sounds like you are doing the same.

I actually was thinking about it the other day and I thought that I almost felt taller. Instead of looking down, I now look up and forward. I also find I am checking out guys more now too. Previously I didn't, why look at something you can't have. Now I look at things I want and hope to have.

As to the weight loss stories of last night, I'm rather new to the whole forum etiquette thing but I'll blog about it (really, I will) Sunday when I have time because it seems a tad off-topic for this thread--I originally included it as background material not as primary thread material.

You do that. I would like to read what you have done. And keep posting with developments. You can inspire and help others in similar circumstances.

Good luck to you.

 

[ChickenGuy]

Congratulations hvk1989 and well done... I'm happy it's working out for you

I've read both your threads (and you seem to have read mine since you commented on it) and we're both in similar circumstances

On the coming out stage, I'm pretty much exactly where you are - knowing that it's now the right time to come out for sure, but wondering who to tell first - I would have told my two female cousins in a heartbeat, they're so easy to talk to about things like this - but I think my father should be the first, since I still live with him and since we're extremely close

He is without doubt, however, the most difficult person to tell, and I don't want to upset him, but I'll just have to do it gently - maybe have a general discussion first - I actually have a good idea how I'll tell him, it's just finding the right time...

Although, like you, I come from a very religious community (Scottish Free Presbyterian) my immediate family is not quite as religious as the norm - only one attends church regularly, for example, so after my father anyone else will be easy to tell

Also, I myself have never been religious so in that respect I think it's a lot easier for me to process things (I've never had any inner struggle)

On travel, I note that we've both been to Reykjavik! It speaks volumes about us, however, that while you had the confidence and independence to go by yourself and enjoy the Gay Pride event, I was attached at the hip to my father (not that I resented that)

I MUST work more to be in the state of mind to travel by myself... I wish I could do more travelling alone

And you have also made friends overseas and keep in contact with them - again, I'm lagging behind here - I'm too wary of strangers and their motives, but it would be nice to have online friends if only I knew who to trust

Anyway, keep up the good thoughts, hope you read this, and I wish you every success

 

[hvk1989]

spencer, thanks for sharing. It's nice to read about others in similar religious situations as me.

You do that. I would like to read what you have done

Thanks crowboy! I've posted it on my blog--this probably comes as a real shocker to anyone who has read my threads, but the blog entry is a tad long-grab some tea or coffee and some fruit or vegetables before you read it .

I also find I am checking out guys more now too. Previously I didn't, why look at something you can't have. Now I look at things I want and hope to have

I've always checked out guys, even when I knew I couldn't have them. Why? Because I'm gay! Now I get looks back or catch a guy checking me out and my problem is knowing what to do since I have absolutely no experience in such areas. I do believe I prefer the latter to the former, though.

I thought that I almost felt taller.

You should hold your head high. You've come out to yourself and others. You're ready to tackle the world. One of my challenges is to continue deconstructing the walls I built around the notion of going to a bar/club and being something other than a wall flower. Breaking old habits is difficult but I'm working on it.

He is without doubt, however, the most difficult person to tell

Thanks for the comments ChickenGuy! Kudus to you if you decide to tell the most difficult person first. I wasn't that brave--I went with the closet friend I have who I was fairly certain would be fine with it. It was still very difficult, but it has indeed given me confidence for the next person I tell. I'll be working my way up towards the difficult ones (at least I think they will be difficult, but I don't know how much of my expectations is unnecessary pressure I put on myself).

that while you had the confidence and independence to go by yourself and enjoy the Gay Pride event

I don't know if I ever would have gone myself had I not met and visited with Hannes and Rafael. Going to the parade is actually something I've told my friends (church and other) and family because I'm a "serious hobbyist" photographer and took about 260 or so pix of the parade (great event, BTW). I ultimately didn't care what people thought but figured most people would rationalize me attending the parade and taking pictures because it was "an event."

I wish I could do more traveling alone

It's funny that my constant traveling alone was a catalyst in me initially coming out to Rafael. I've had enough of traveling and being alone and would like to find someone with whom I can share life. Life is too short and my house is too quiet.