I want my old life back.

[mikey3000]

I am so scared right now. Over the holidays my wife and I talked about the slow demise of our marriage. She has noticed that the more time spend with my guy, and the less I spend with my family, the happier I appear. I didn't realize this but did feel I was spending more time than usual with him. Well now I feel it. She feels that in all fairness, a separation is in the cards. Man I soooooo didn't see this coming. She loves me so much, she is willing to let me go to be happy. My guy, on the other hand, has admitted to me that he will be only to glad to have me full time for himself. But I'm not ready for that, and don't know if I will ever be.

All weekend I've been on the verge of tears, short of breath and just in a state of panic. How do I get my old life back? I want to be the good husband I promised, the good dad I once was, but I don't know how, or if I can. Man how did I miss up my life so badly?

 

[Daximus]

I can't offer advice on the relationship because I haven't been there but I feel your pain wanting your old life back mikey. I'd give anything to go back and not let alcohol ruin everything I had with my ex.

 

[MarkDW]

IMO, it sounds rather simple. Give up "your man". If you REALLY want your marriage to work, thats seems the only course of action.

So you are married, and have a guy on the side, and your wife KNOWS? How did that happen?

 

[figjam]

I am so scared right now. Over the holidays my wife and I talked about the slow demise of our marriage. She has noticed that the more time spend with my guy, and the less I spend with my family, the happier I appear. I didn't realize this but did feel I was spending more time than usual with him. Well now I feel it. She feels that in all fairness, a separation is in the cards. Man I soooooo didn't see this coming. She loves me so much, she is willing to let me go to be happy. My guy, on the other hand, has admitted to me that he will be only to glad to have me full time for himself. But I'm not ready for that, and don't know if I will ever be.

All weekend I've been on the verge of tears, short of breath and just in a state of panic. How do I get my old life back? I want to be the good husband I promised, the good dad I once was, but I don't know how, or if I can. Man how did I miss up my life so badly?

Please ignore the usual asshole replies. Do you and your wife have kids? Live for them and/or remember what made you unhappy.

Guaranteeing your own happiness does not make you a bad person at all. At least you did not continue living a lie.

 

[palbert]

It sounds as if you and your kids (?) could have a rewarding marriage. It sounds as if your "something on the side" will not satisfy you the way your marriage does,

Repair your marriage first. Then deal with being bi. It would probably be a good idea to seek counseling.

 

[figjam]

Genies are very difficult to stuff back into bottles.

Not being there, not getting anyone's read on this but yours, is very limiting. It could be that your wife is not as OK as she seems, and this is a convenience to let it go, under the guise of being for your happiness. That comes to mind mostly because she seems to be pushing you out when you didn't ask for an out. If your happiness were really the objective, she wouldn't be forcing you out.

On balance, aside from the supposedly open relationship, the simpler question arises: is it possible to have your cake and eat it too? Can you have a marriage, a wife, children, and a lover, and everything kept in stasis for your benefit. Although it is possible, it is only possible for the very few, if any. Your children are likely to become polarized over time and feel attached to your wife or you as parting becomes a reality.

Your wife, no matter how secure she may seem, may well be experiencing a sense of inadequacy. No matter what she says or hopes to believe intellectually, she may emotionally be asking herself "what is wrong with me that he is not happy with me alone as a partner?"

Your lover already indicates that he is jealous of the time you spend with your wife and children. Psychologically, that has to have some effect on how you behave with both households.

You wife and lover do not seem up for a three-way marriage. At this point, if they did, it would still seem to be all about you instead of meeting their needs.

In the end, you're not going to be allowed to love them equally. You are going to have to choose. What was making you happy wasn't making them happy.

Well said!

 

[palbert]

Genies are very difficult to stuff back into bottles.

Not being there, not getting anyone's read on this but yours, is very limiting. It could be that your wife is not as OK as she seems, and this is a convenience to let it go, under the guise of being for your happiness. That comes to mind mostly because she seems to be pushing you out when you didn't ask for an out. If your happiness were really the objective, she wouldn't be forcing you out.

On balance, aside from the supposedly open relationship, the simpler question arises: is it possible to have your cake and eat it too? Can you have a marriage, a wife, children, and a lover, and everything kept in stasis for your benefit. Although it is possible, it is only possible for the very few, if any. Your children are likely to become polarized over time and feel attached to your wife or you as parting becomes a reality.

Your wife, no matter how secure she may seem, may well be experiencing a sense of inadequacy. No matter what she says or hopes to believe intellectually, she may emotionally be asking herself "what is wrong with me that he is not happy with me alone as a partner?"

Your lover already indicates that he is jealous of the time you spend with your wife and children. Psychologically, that has to have some effect on how you behave with both households.

You wife and lover do not seem up for a three-way marriage. At this point, if they did, it would still seem to be all about you instead of meeting their needs.

In the end, you're not going to be allowed to love them equally. You are going to have to choose. What was making you happy wasn't making them happy. Whether intentionally or not, you have created a universe with your needs as the center, and now you are going to have to face that, admit it, and make decisions that are either going to favor your new relationship, or your old ones. Maybe that's unfair, and maybe it's not, but it's of your doing, and you're going to have to man up and own it. Thinking of yourself as somehow ill-fated or a victim isn't going to help.

Excellent.

 

[KaraBulut]

In an earlier thread, we recommended counseling for your situation. Did you look into that?

 

[sixthson]

She has noticed that the more time spend with my guy, and the less I spend with my family, the happier I appear.

I think this is the most significant part of your post, because she notices (and you agree) that it is not just about her, it's about the entire family. Since you have had lots of family issues, including a dying, negative mother and losing a house, perhaps you are happier away from all that, as well? Going to your bf is like a vacation. Returning home brings painful memories of all kinds.
I cannot help but believe you will be unhappy no matter what you decide to do because you have not dealt with underlying issues.
This is about more than your sexuality, in my opinion.

 

[altlover85]

I am so scared right now. Over the holidays my wife and I talked about the slow demise of our marriage. She has noticed that the more time spend with my guy, and the less I spend with my family, the happier I appear. I didn't realize this but did feel I was spending more time than usual with him. Well now I feel it. She feels that in all fairness, a separation is in the cards. Man I soooooo didn't see this coming. She loves me so much, she is willing to let me go to be happy. My guy, on the other hand, has admitted to me that he will be only to glad to have me full time for himself. But I'm not ready for that, and don't know if I will ever be.

Sometimes even seemingly obvious things can sneak up on us and leave us devastated. What kind of conversations have you had with your guy? You need to talk to him and try your best to be open and honest with him about your feelings so he can make the best decision for him.

All weekend I've been on the verge of tears, short of breath and just in a state of panic. How do I get my old life back? I want to be the good husband I promised, the good dad I once was, but I don't know how, or if I can. Man how did I miss up my life so badly?

The truth is you can't get your old life back. I think when life presents you with a situation like this, you either face the challenge and grow, or you stay unhappy. I know I'm going through things now and it's not easy to face my situation and I don't always do the best job, but when I do make progress on it, I feel better. Even if it's just thinking about it or reading an article that might help me gain a different perspective.

 

[racer2438]

I can only offer this, if you really want something...then you do what it takes to want/keep/get it

If kids are involved then you made this harder to decide, cuz they did not ask to be involved in this cat n mouse game

If it's just you n her, then it's just the two of you the will have to deal with all the drama, emotions , legal issues, family issues.

End then remember, life is to short to be in a relationship that neither is happy in. No sence to be miserable the rest of your life
Live to be happy..

 

[Redsox]

This is a tough situation amd even tougher to give advice.

Ultimately, you really need to decide which life you want.

I can't see how both can work in the long term.

Like someone said in a previous post, have you thought about counselling?

 

[rareboy]

Nothing like the holidays to jolt people back into reality when it comes to relationships.

I'm also going to go with counselling. It looks like the time has come that your wife realizes that she is second fiddle in your relationships. Maybe it is time that she would like someone who would be there emotionally full time, just for her. Even if you dumped your guy, it wouldn't help at this point because there would always be him in between the two of you. I think you need to understand that you can't have everything only on your own terms and to do this, you are going to need help coaching and counselling you through this. This day was written in the stars.

 

[bankside]

I am so scared right now. Over the holidays my wife and I talked about the slow demise of our marriage. She has noticed that the more time spend with my guy, and the less I spend with my family, the happier I appear. I didn't realize this but did feel I was spending more time than usual with him. Well now I feel it. She feels that in all fairness, a separation is in the cards. Man I soooooo didn't see this coming. She loves me so much, she is willing to let me go to be happy. My guy, on the other hand, has admitted to me that he will be only to glad to have me full time for himself. But I'm not ready for that, and don't know if I will ever be.

All weekend I've been on the verge of tears, short of breath and just in a state of panic. How do I get my old life back? I want to be the good husband I promised, the good dad I once was, but I don't know how, or if I can. Man how did I miss up my life so badly?

Sounds like she's willing to consider this for your happiness.

You need to consider it for her happiness too.

Deep breath. And then some counselling.

 

[lambdaboy]

I came out to my wife left after one time with the guy who has been my partner for years. After me and him had sex one Saturday I went told her and left. No one should have to share you should have been honest before. I paid a lot of child support me and her are still on talking terms the 2 boys (str8 of course) are great and treat me and my partner as dads.

 

[Nishin]

I want to be the good husband I promised, the good dad I once was, but I don't know how, or if I can. Man how did I miss up my life so badly?

... maybe by showing your kids one should live accordingly with his innerself and stand up for who they are... ?

 

[Special K]

Being gay is hard enough, but being bisexual is even harder (in my opinion). You are constantly torn between your attraction towards men and women, and deciding which gender to build a life with can be a very difficult and life-altering decision. Your situation is a little more complex, because you are married with children, which always complicates matters. My advice is to follow your heart and not your head; in this instance, it sounds like your head is telling you to stay with your wife for the sake of your marriage and your children, but your heart is telling you that you are happier with your boyfriend. A trial separation could be a good idea, it will give both you and your wife some breathing space, and more importantly, an opportunity to re-evaluate your marriage and decide whether it has a future, because quite frankly, I think your current set-up is unfair on your wife and children. Believe it or not, the breakdown of your marriage may actually be a good thing in the long-run, as it will allow your wife to find a partner who is fully committed to her, and it will allow you to be emotionally happier, which in turn, will make you a better father to your children. That is my interpretation of the situation at least, but I could be wrong, only you truly know how you feel deep down. And remember, every cloud has a silver lining; this situation may seem hopeless to you right now, but if you follow your heart, everything will work out in the end.

 

[Rolyo85]

I just want to add to previous posts by saying that staying for the sake of kids is a murder to their perception of what a family is. No child is happy with parents who aren't happy together. The only thing you create is a sense of guilt in your kids who start thinking they are responsible for your unhappiness.

 

[Nishin]

^^ and ^ are exactly what I was too lazy/incompetent to say

 

[maxpowr9]

Dear God don't stay together: "for the children". If your children are of an age [around 10] where they can sense empathy, they should know that mommy and daddy are not getting along well. They typically want to see BOTH parents happy and if that means a separation, so be it.

I wish my parents got divorced because I feel my mom would be more happy but she is still "content" with marriage to my dad.