I want to die

[akahia]

And I can't figure out why. I was talking to one of my straight friends, and he asked me why it seems like so many girls come on to me. Eventually, I told him that straight guys hold about as much appeal to me as a girl would, since I know there's no chance of it ever working. He didn't mean anything but it, but he said he was relieved to hear that because it meant I wouldn't hit on him. I don't know why, but that cut me deep. Ever since he said that, I've been dealing with this all-encompassing sadness and I have no idea why it's here. I've never felt anything like it. It's so deep, so thick that it's manifesting as physical pain radiating from my abdomen. I feel hopeless, alone, depressed... but most of all, I feel confused. I can't figure out why I'm depressed or why I feel like death is the best option. I know I have a good life ahead of me, I know I'm more fortunate than so many people and that I should be grateful for that, I know that I have friends and family who love me, but I can't shake this darkness.

I think I need help, but I don't know where to turn. I'm a pilot, and I'm afraid to see a shrink because they won't let a depressed person fly. I don't know what I'd do if they took my wings away. I know for a fact that I would never do anything stupid in my plane. The safety of the people onboard and on the ground is my responsibility, and I would never do anything that would put them in harm's way, but the FAA doesn't see it that way.

Who can I turn to? How can I get rid of this awful feeling? How can I get back to being me again? And what was it about what my friend said that triggered this?

I'm so confused...

 

[looseliam]

Something struck a chord - what it is, only you know. I venture to say that maybe your thought is "what? I'm not good enough to hit on you?" But that's just me.

If you're feeling as you describe, you must seek help.

You indicate you're a pilot. Go to an independent therapist. Unless you confess an intent to commit a crime, he or she can't disclose the topic of your discussion(s.)

IIRC, current HIPPA laws also prohibit a doctor from confirming you're a patient.

Trust me when I say that nothing is worth taking one's life.

 

[KaraBulut]

Your first step is to see your doctor for a physical. Before you assume that your symptoms are psychological, it's important to check to make sure there isn't a physical illness.

Once physical causes are eliminated, you can be treated for depression without endangering your work status. The primary concern would be possible side effects of anti-depressant medications, however from the triggering event, you may benefit from psychotherapy more than medication.

 

[evanrick]

many straight guys think they are all that.... that any gay guy would want them. but it just goes to show how uncomfortable this "friend" of yours is with homosexuality.

what your "friend" said was very traumatic. there IS a part of him that resents the fact that you are a very attractive man -at least i think so thats why i have you on my favorites - and get attention from girls in a way he doesn't or cant.

i don't see the point of continuing any kind of relationship with this guy, pointing out his flaws or even discussing this subject, would probably lead to a bigger argument that hes not prepared for.

he is not comfortable with the idea of you being gay and needs to get over himself.

who can you turn to? i would seek out someone who can give emotional support from family or friends. surround yourself with people who you love and trust.

you are feeling emotionally damaged by what this guy said, you DO need time to heal. going about your daily life right now, as if nothing happened, may work for a little while, but its important to let a wound heal before risking it being re-opened.

take a time out, collect yourself, meditate or exercise, release your feelings and cry if you want to.

depression is not something you want to ignore.
if you are feeling pain, physical pain, in your stomach, that is anxiety. i know what it feels like. its awful and can wreak havoc on your life. it feels like someone has a knife in you and you cant escape. do not ignore what your body is telling you.

the technical term is post traumatic stress. stress can leave you at the mercy of depression. its important to manage your stress and build up your self so that things like this dont cause you the same kind of trauma.

i hope some of this was helpful. msg me anytime and know your not alone.

 

[akahia]

I appreciate your responses and concern... I really do. I hate feeling like this. I just wish I understood it...

 

[altlover85]

I appreciate your responses and concern... I really do. I hate feeling like this. I just wish I understood it...

Sometimes our minds work in ways that we don't understand at the time. I echo the responses of everyone else when I say I would see a doctor and get the physical and also rely on your family and friends for support.

 

[vforvendetta]

akahia, I hope you're resolving this issue - if not, remember there are free suicide hotlines in case things go farther south. You can talk to them anonymously as far as I'm aware.

Being gay is a horrible burden and affliction, hopefully someday there will be a cure for it, probably gene therapy.

Wow, that's one of the most ignorant things I've seen posted here, and that's saying a lot given some of the recent threads I've participated in. Being gay is just another aspect of a person's being - there's no need for 'gene therapy' any more than there's a need for 'gene therapy' because someone has the 'wrong' colored skin or facial features. You know what would really solve this 'affliction'? Getting insensitive people to think about what they're going to say before it comes out. I agree with looseliam on the comment interpretation - it was rude, to say the least, and can do a number on someone's self-esteem.

 

[lilman]

i've felt this way after my str8 friend did me dirty a few months back, i couldn't sleep i couldn't barely eat and i was so angry and disgusted with him that i couldn't believe i let myself even be put in that situation

what i had to do was take away the power i gave him (if that makes any sense). it felt like i was giving him too much (emotionally) and expected to much, he kept dropping hints as to what kind of person he was but for some reason i didn't see it. when it finally hit me though, that was the absolute worst feeling in the world

 

[Centexfarmer]

I appreciate your responses and concern... I really do. I hate feeling like this. I just wish I understood it...

In my opinion it really depends upon how deep you want to go into it.

I feel where you're coming from.

Everything is pretty much going along well in your life, then a friend of yours drops what you feel is a bomb on you.

Let's look at what you shared:

I told him that straight guys hold about as much appeal to me as a girl would, since I know there's no chance of it ever working. He didn't mean anything but it, but he said he was relieved to hear that because it meant I wouldn't hit on him.

Your friends ego might have been involved.

Knowing that you're gay he might have been hurt to hear you wouldn't hit on him, not because you don't find him attractive, but because he's straight.

Maybe secretly, or deep down he might have been wondering WHY you haven't hit on him.

He might have been deflecting and trying to "save face" by acknowledging your comment the way that he did.

Then your ego kicked in because you heard something from a friend that you care about, that validated something negative about your being gay.

~

Something similar to your experience once took the wind out of my sails, until I let myself see where my straight from was really coming from:

My bff has been my best-friend since middle school.

I was attracted to him the first time that we met (he was a step-cousin because my Uncle married his Mom), and it wasn't until he got married that the attraction fell away.

While he was married I came out to him, and when he divorced his wife he moved in with me.

And he told me that he know that I was Gay, and was happy for me when I finally came out to myself.

But he admitted something that I was a little surprised to hear; some straight guys really love the attention from Gay guys.

My bff still loves it when I flirt with him, especially in front of his girlfriend.

And his girlfriend loves it! Because she knows that she has what other guys and girls want.

Maybe you're feeling like you got a ton of bricks dropped on you by your friend, even by your own acknowledgment didn't mean anything by it, felt like he was reassuring you not to worry about it, even though he might have been a little hurt himself to hear you say that.

Maybe that's what you're feeling.

My friend and I got past all of that by my telling him how attractive that I thought he was, and by reassuring him how much I love our friendship.

Now, when Gay friends of mine hit on him I remind him that he could have had me, except for the fact that I don't sleep with straight guys.

Here's hoping that you can get past this.

 

[Seasoned]

Your friend said a very strange thing that I'm not able to understand. I think you should go back to him and ask him how long he had been afraid of you hitting on him and if that was the case why did he remain friends. Tell him his response has affected you. The problem with many of our relationships is that we don't assertively confront. Even if we are shocked and don't know what to do at the time, we have every right to bring it up later. I think this could be solved with assertiveness on your part.

On the other hand this is more that his response. This trigger something or someone from your past. Most people have trigger words, phrases, or even gestures that bring up old shit. I'd fly into a rage if anyone would call be useless even as a joke. That was my dad's way of putting me down and that word takes me right back to the hurt of hearing that from my dad.

Try to sort this out with your friend and try to figure out the trigger. It might be internalized homophobia. Good luck. See an independent therapist if need be. You need to feel at peace. Good luck.

 

[Willie Boy]

And I can't figure out why. I was talking to one of my straight friends, and he asked me why it seems like so many girls come on to me. Eventually, I told him that straight guys hold about as much appeal to me as a girl would, since I know there's no chance of it ever working. He didn't mean anything but it, but he said he was relieved to hear that because it meant I wouldn't hit on him. I don't know why, but that cut me deep. Ever since he said that, I've been dealing with this all-encompassing sadness and I have no idea why it's here. I've never felt anything like it. It's so deep, so thick that it's manifesting as physical pain radiating from my abdomen. I feel hopeless, alone, depressed... but most of all, I feel confused. I can't figure out why I'm depressed or why I feel like death is the best option. I know I have a good life ahead of me, I know I'm more fortunate than so many people and that I should be grateful for that, I know that I have friends and family who love me, but I can't shake this darkness.

Is it possible you have hidden feelings for him and his comment caused your subconscious mind to confront just how futile any secret deep down dream of a relationship with him really is.

I think I need help, but I don't know where to turn. I'm a pilot, and I'm afraid to see a shrink because they won't let a depressed person fly. I don't know what I'd do if they took my wings away. I know for a fact that I would never do anything stupid in my plane. The safety of the people onboard and on the ground is my responsibility, and I would never do anything that would put them in harm's way, but the FAA doesn't see it that way.

You need to ask yourself this question: "Is the risk of losing my job more important than the risk of losing my life?" Please be honest with yourself. And remember, even though you may not feel like you would jeopardize your passengers now... if your situation worsens anything could happen. Besides as was pointed out there are way if minimizing the risk to your job.

Who can I turn to? How can I get rid of this awful feeling? How can I get back to being me again? And what was it about what my friend said that triggered this?

I'm so confused...

Please seek the help you need. Life is too precious to waste it being depressed.

 

[cocksucker4use]

Dude, a couple of things are clear:
1. You will never be able to understand the root of your depression by yourself, especially when you are in the middle of it.
2. If you are having suicidal ideations, like specific scenarios, methods, etc. -- a PLAN -- is entering you thought processes, this is a REAL medical emergency, and you need to get help ASAP. This is serious as a fuckin heart attack, man....if you couldn't breathe, you wouldn't be vascillating....this is just as risky.

If you have not done so, already go to the phone book and find a therapist. If there is a gay and lesbian center or health provider in your area, get a referral from them. Think honestly about how your are feeling. A good test is if your friend came to you with this level of depression, what would you advise him? You may want to call in sick to work, and ask a good friend to come and be with you until to can get to a professional.

Your friends' comment is not the cause of your depression, cuz that has been there for awhile. Depression is anger turned inward on ourselves.

 

[jknightuk]

Let's start from the beginning somewhere....

For a start... don't feel like ending it all, ok? I'm sure there's some logical reason as to why you are feeling down like this.... we just need to find out what.

If you don't feel comfortable visiting a shrink... do you have a neighbor who you get on well with? Or maybe another work colleague who you can trust not to tell your employer? If not, come on here (JUB) and talk about it, and we as a team will all do our best to help you.

But please... don't think about ending your life ok?... death is not an option here as it would cause a lot of pain for those who care about you!

Next time you're out there flying that plane (and I hold a high amount of respect for airline pilots!) just think to yourself "I'm not giving up... these folks on here need me." Once you keep thinking this every time your up there in the air you'll begin to feel a little more confident about yourself.

Also, if you feel that nobody really cares about you: think again! Just take a look at this topic you've started.. you've made some friends here who are willing to help you.. including myself

Good luck, all the best for the future

 

[bankside]

You've identified that your emotional reaction to that comment goes well beyond what you would expect in your usual healthy emotional range. And you're able to evaluate all the circumstances around your situation that might create complications if you seek help openly.

What that tells me is that while you may feel like it is a struggle to prevent an emotional implosion, the rational intellectual part of your brain is working quite well.

So, since it's still humming along nicely, I'd recommend that you rely on the logical side of your brain to help you get through this, and to create some opportunities for you to work through what happened, even while the emotional side of your brain has left you feeling vulnerable.

Also, there are active and retired commercial pilots on JUB; hopefully they will step forward with some advice on managing stress or depression from inside the industry, so I'd wait to hear their advice as well.

Another thing to consider is that it may not be as much of a brain/depression problem as a "shitty comment from a straight guy that hit you the wrong way" problem.

He kind of undercut his trust in you by not relying on your judgment and respect for him as a person to guide your behaviour, but instead acting all relieved that there was some external factor to restrain you from trying to date him. You might feel insulted and hurt because...he made an insulting and hurtful comment! We all need people to trust and rely on in our lives. If he has been one of those important people for you up until now, then his remarks would sting, and could hollow you out a bit. Not everything that people say to us is supposed to just roll off our backs. When people actually matter to each other, then what they say matters too. I don't think your friend was thinking about what he was actually saying.