I want to find a boyfriend

[zoomerspinner]

So I dont understand why it's so hard to find a guy, I'm farley attracatave, but I just dont seem to meet anyone, I'm not out to everyone. Anyone got any tips, I'm not onto bars/cubs ... Help me out guys

 

[Lube]

So I dont understand why it's so hard to find a guy, I'm farley attracatave, but I just dont seem to meet anyone, I'm not out to everyone. Anyone got any tips, I'm not onto bars/cubs ... Help me out guys

1. It's hard to find someone if you're not out. Out guys tend to avoid not-out guys. And closeted guys can't tell if other closeted guys are gay, because they're both trying so hard to appear straight! You're shooting yourself in the foot.
2. Try meetup.com, and look for interests and meet people with similar interests.
3. As Lex is wont to say, Google for your interests and your hometown name.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I'm farley attracatave, but I just dont seem to meet anyone, I'm not out to everyone.

Let me be stereotypically snippy here, and rephrase this.

1. I don't want people to know I'm gay unless they really need to know, so I don't approach people.
2. I'm fairly attractive, so I figure I can just wait for someone to come talk to me first.

So you're waiting for a guy to see you, and decide that even thoughyou're almost certainly straight (you're obviously not gay-acting), you're attractive enough to come up and hit on.

...you see the problem?

How to improve your odds?

1. Come out to everyone. The more people that know, the more potential boyfriends will know.

2. Go to where the gays are. That doesn't just mean bars and clubs. If there's a gay section of town, hit the bookstores, the coffee shops, the boutiques. See if there's some gay group activities you can join - gay biking clubs, gay volleyball leagues, gay volunteer groups. Put yourself in front of more homosexuals.

...damnit. Now I'm quoting Lube quoting me. This is getting confusing.

Lex

 

[Lube]

You're very quotable, Lex.

 

[competizione]

Realistically, something has to give. People often say its hard to find someone, and I'm definitely not saying its east. But often times people are unwilling to make the sacrifices they need to make in order to meet, build, and maintain a relationship with someone.

If you don't go out too much and you're not out at all you're limited in your options as far as meeting someone who is looking for a long term relationship.

Given your circumstances, your best bet would probably be online. I'm sure there are more than a few other guys in the same situation as yourself. Though there are advantages to meeting people online, making a real connection can often be more difficult.

But hopefully you will find the right person for you, best of luck.

 

[zoomerspinner]

I've been looking online, but I cant seem to find anyone that isnt lookin for a hookup, I'm out to some frinds and fam, but not a lot, I dunno,

 

[G-Lexington]

Online hook-up sites are for...well, online hook-ups. That's fine if that's what you're looking for. But complaining about the lack of "boyfriend material" on hook-up sites is like complaining about the food at Denny's. You know what you're getting yourself into when you go there.

Don't look there. Get OUT there. Put yourself in front of people. Don't wait for them to show up at your door. Get proactive about it.

Lex

 

[WYSIWYG]

Lex has it, as do others. Get out and connect. I agree that most online sites are for hook-ups and 1 night stands, but it depends on the site also. I was on outpersonals.com for a number of years, and most of the people there want cybersex or a hook up, but I met my first bf there 7 years ago. we were together for 5.5 years. met my current husband there also...

Not saying it will work for you, everyone is different on what will work, but you do need to get out more locally, etc.

 

[zoomerspinner]

I'm in metro det, you would think that theres a lot of places to find other gay guys... I just dont know everywher i go i dont meet anyone...

 

[thewiz]

Having lived in Michigan for many years and coming out three years ago as I was leaving....I have to say that finding the gay scenes is a bit harder.

I'd check Ferndale area...I know they are fairly gay friendly. I know there are a couple clubs in Lansing (Spiral is one I've gone to...not bad). In Grand Rapids there are some gay clubs but every time I've been....not much there.

Saugatuck is probably the gay mecca in Michigan. Lots of gay guys, especially from Chicago, and the guys who own the Dunes Resort also own one in Ft. Lauderdale. They are great guys and have always gone out of their way to help me when I stopped.

Since I was on the west side of Michigan...I usually went to Chicago.

I think there are some JUBBERS from Ann Arbor that might help in that area...Luminum is a great guy for one....

 

[zoomerspinner]

jubbers? ...?

 

[G-Lexington]

JUBbers. People who are members of JUB. Just Us Boys. The website you're reading this on.

Lex

 

[gotdimples77]

I met a beautiful guy in the mall last year...we just smiled at each other and then spent an hour following eachother around stores before i got up ther nerve to talk to him. He was wonderful! we went on a date which was ok...we sat next to the kitchen so i couldnt hear him very well. I didnt see him again though cause he lived too far away. BUT! it is possible to just meet people in a bookstore/ mall/ whatever!! it was the most thrilling discovery of my life lol!!

 

[kelim210]

I'll be your boyfriend

 

[MorrisseyX]

I agree about the online stuff it does seem online people are just looking for a hook up. I think that's fair if people are honest about wanting to hook up. However, even the people that "say" they want something more serious I find online are still looking for a hook up.

 

[badgerfan]

As someone who is in the same spot that you are, I would like to answer your question from my point of view. (as a not fully out gay male)

You say that you are not completely out. Well if I was possibly interested/attracted to you, I would not hit on you or approach you as I would wrongly assume that you are not gay. Just like you are probably doing, I still worry about certain people knowing I am gay, so I am careful about who I tell, and being that you most likely do not appear or seem to be gay, I am not going to pursue you for fear of a negative reaction from a "strait" dude.

Again, you are not completely out. And I am taking a wild guess, but you seem like you are probably your average, everyday, non-gay acting male. As someone myself who is into sports, beer, and rock n' roll, I do not neccessarily give off a gay "vibe". And I sense you are the same way. So again, I would be very hesitant to approach you or talk to you.

You said you are a "fairly attractive" male. Personally, I think you meant this as more of a matter of fact statement, and not a conceited remark. I doubt I am the only person who feels this way, but honestly going up to and talking to someone who is "fairly attractive" can be very intimidating/scary. Regardless of being out or not, I would probably assume (if i though you might be gay):

1. you probably have tons of guys hitting on you all the time, so I probably do not have a chance with you.

2. rightly or wrongly, i would worry or assume that you are probably a snob or think you are better than everyone, because of how you look.

3. in addition, if you give off the impression of being intelligent, mature, and confident, i am definetly not going to approach you, as i find those qualities even more intimidating than looks alone.

Sorry if my response was long or complicated. I hope what I have said was of some use or help to you. I feel the same way as you do, I would like to have a boyfriend, but am not sure how to find one. And as time goes on I will hopefully become more secure and confident in who I am, then hopefully the boyfriend(s)will follow.

 

[slnattak]

It's actually a zen thing. You never find what you're looking for because of the whole suffering brings desiring thing. You want something so badly that you don't allow yourself to have it at all- see the paradox here? The key is let go. It's like your holding something down choking it ...wanting is so badly that love can't breathe and come into you. See what I mean here?

I've found guys I like and I mean liked in such a wonderful way when I wasn't even trying to make friends at all- I was just, I don't know- living and surviving like everybody else was doing. For example I met Trey a gay guy that I love soooo much (too bad he's partnered though!) when I was just hanging out on yahoo one day. I wasn't thinking about meeting a man or whatever it just happened and we clicked and we're very good friends. Not a relationship but if he breaks up with Michael he knows where I live.

The guys that are in happy relationships (gay ones and some straight married folks) usually turn me on the most because well they are already happy and adjusted. The guys that want relationships too usually both seem to be striving for something. It's a catch-22. So I would say improve yourself first - continue working on yourself and taking risks and somebody out there is bound to like you. And people can really surprise you if you let them. Be clear of your intentions and what you want and don't over idealize anything.

For example it would be weird if a guy you don't even know comes in and sweeps you off your feet and acts like romantic prince charming. Might seem like a fairy tale come true but in reality you'd probably think he was some sort of scammer or he was being condescending. How can he love you, he doesn't even really KNOW you, and it takes YEARS to really get to know somebody- a lot of people can't invest that type of energy. Also society looks down on gays so we're not really encouraged much TO seek healthier relationships. It sucks, but hey if so many other gay guys can do it so can you.

Btw I'm not preaching to you since we ALL have this problem.

 

[thewiz]

When I first came out...bam...I ran into a guy and we had a drink, talked all night long and then had sex all the next day after we both called in sick! Rick and I went together for six months before his paranoia got the best of us.

I had just about given up on boyfriends and wasn't going to look. I met Aldrian on Facebook; believe it or not! He and I go to quite a few social things in DC that are posted on Facebook and we started talking before one of them (4-H Club: Homo Hotel Happy Hour!)

We met at the 4-H Club meeting and talked some more. We kept talking on line and we went out one night, had a great dinner, came back and made out hot and heavy. We had one rocky spell but talked through it. He's laying on the bed now trying to relax and we are a couple!

I think back to when I met guys in clubs or when I went out: if I was really looking for someone, I never seemed to find anyone. It was when I just went out, had fun and relaxed that I always seemed to meet someone or hook up!

Relax, enjoy, and be comfortable with yourself! It just seems others pick up when you are content -- kind of like an aura!

 

[mortzz]

You're not out - problem #1 in trying to find a guy. That'll be a HUGE obstacle, because if you're not comfortable with yourself, how will anyone else be comfortable with you?

You not being into bars and clubs is minor, because there are MANY people that aren't into them(like me - i'll goto a bar on occassion, but it doesn't have to be a gay bar... just one where i like the crowd), and like other things.

Saying things like "i'm fairly attractive" makes me think you might be a touch vain - which is a turn off. A bite of humble pie might help.

I agree with this statement.

 

[amyleeisjesus]

Saying things like "i'm fairly attractive" makes me think you might be a touch vain - which is a turn off. A bite of humble pie might help.

I think that is soooo wrong. Some people might be raised to ignore their positive attributes and more readily acknowledge their shortcomings, but for the rest of us there should be no shame in saying, "Yes, I'm pretty." The "fairly" seems to serve as a negative modifier to "balance out" the statement and you still found it "vain." Shunning compliments or not acknowledging good things about yourself is a good way to have shit self-esteem.