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I Want to Kill Myself

C

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I don't know what to do.

These feelings of depression and grief have enraptured me. I can't think straight. I can't stop thinking about people who don't give a rat's ass about me.

I thought I was on the right road to finish my education and pursue personal development, but what's the point of it all?

Regardless of whether I get that MBA from Harvard or become the most intellectual speaker on planet Earth, I will still be alone, friendless, a victim of my mind, and African American (resulting in a host of other problems for me socially).

Why couldn't I be a normal person? Why can't I just be happy?

I have to end my life. I've dealt with all of this for far too long. :cry:
 
I know your troubles...at 40, it isn't much better for me. A degree in Mathematics, another in Secondary Ed in Math , Astronomy and Physics. It seems that no matter how 'good' you are, it is never enough. I'm there for friends who aren't there for me. I deal with guys who are 'into' me and then introduce their boyfriends. It's enough to make anyone crazy.

Please stay strong. I know that it seems hopeless, but who knows? It keeps me going, this thought. The world is better with you than without you.
 
Please don't do that mate! I once felt the way you feel (19-23y.o). I asked myself all the questions you are asking yourself now...But things do get better. It's hard, but you have to keep working to improve yourself. Somedays will be better than others. But I promise you that if you keep trying and pushing through, it will eventually break! Please trust!

BTW, I'm also African-American. And I know how that alone can add another layer of frustration. There were days I spent researching how to make my skin lighter and all sorts of crazy things... But you cannot lose focus. Please do not hurt yourself. We need more good people in the world.

I know we don't know each other, but if you ever want to talk you can always pm me. I don't like seeing people (especially young males) suffer.
 
Hi Innovativeboxx, from reading your other threads, things seem down, I know.

You can be happy, but it's going to take some strategy from you to get there. One thing that would undoubtedly help you is to talk with someone, preferably professionally, about what would make you happy and why that's missing from your life right now. In other words, what can you do to get on the path to increase your chances of finding your soul mate and finding someone to love and who loves you and brings you happiness.

Yours is not an unreasonable goal. You have every right to expect it. But, you're going to need to make it happen.

When the chips are down, the cards always appear to be stacked against you. Everyone has that feeling, at one time or another, and you're not alone.

We care about you, but we can't make it right. Only you can. Get some help if you need some objective perspective. There's no need for you to feel this awful and pessimistic about the future.

Hang in there, buddy.

(*8*)
 
averageguy said:
Hi Innovativeboxx, from reading your other threads, things seem down, I know.

You can be happy, but it's going to take some strategy from you to get there. One thing that would undoubtedly help you is to talk with someone, preferably professionally, about what would make you happy and why that's missing from your life right now. In other words, what can you do to get on the path to increase your changes of finding your soul mate and finding someone to love and who loves you and brings you happiness.

Yours is not an unreasonable goal. You have every right to expect it. But, you're going to need to make it happen.

When the chips are down, the cards always appear to be stacked against you. Everyone has that feeling, at one time or another, and you're not alone.

We care about you, but we can't make it right. Only you can. Get some help if you need some objective perspective. There's no need for you to feel this awful and pessimistic about the future.

Hang in there, buddy.

(*8*)
Click to expand...

I totally agree with all of that.
 
Mate, there is only ONE you on this planet. YOU have something to offer someone, anyone!

I have no clue as to what your seeking, but at 23, your just starting out. Yes, friends, and good ones are hard to find and keep, but they are out there. You need to go out and look for them.

What is a 'normal person'? Try to be you and who you are, then go out and get what you want and need.

I am considerably older than you, and I have been down the road you have many times. I thought I had no true friends or anyone to love me, but I hung in there, and I met a sexy, handsome, romantic man 2 years ago. We got married this past April. At my age, i thought I would never find this wonderful human being, but I did. I refused to give up. So don't you!
 
I am 51, fat, deaf, diabetic, physically inactive, work too hard (however with passion), and still single... I just keep going, wondering what is happening around the corner for me. It is ok to live this way as long as we learn to accept the fact and live with it. THings happen in life when you least expect it. SO take it easy, relax and enjoy the moment at its face value. It is perfectly OK. Adopt a young pet or plant some flowers and get yourself in nurturing mode, and that helps one appreciate life a bit more. In my case, I finally bought a house a few months ago and I am now finally starting to experience some peace after so long. Good luck and hang in there.
 
Horschallen said:
THings happen in life when you least expect it. SO take it easy, relax and enjoy the moment at its face value. It is perfectly OK.
Click to expand...

But there's nothing in my life that's enjoyable. Nothing.

It would be better if I died than continued to live.
 
Buddy...things can always get better, but you have to be the one that wants it to happen and needs to take the steps to make it happen. You are surrounded by a great group of people that are here to listen to you and help guide you in the direction to find that help!
Please talk to someone...
I know from experience of losing some very near and dear to me that it hurts the people around that person the most and they suffer and are left to deal with such a loss.
Please talk to us...we are all here to listen and be your friend!!
I know it sounds like we may all be preaching and everyone says they know what you are going thorough, and some may, but we seriously want to listen and be here for you! (*8*)
 
Please know that God loves you and so do I. Get some rest and things will be better when you wake up. Go to the gym, church, student clubs, volunteer work, anything to keep you busy and so you meet people. You will feel better.
 
>>>But there's nothing in my life that's enjoyable. Nothing.

If nothing is enjoyable - nothing at all, even stuff that used to be enjoyable - then you've got yourself a problem.

Sometimes your body doesn't work the way it's designed to. Your arm might break, or your stomach gets mesed up. When that happens, you go to the doctor. Because the doctor knows bodies, and knows what's going on when things go wrong, and how to make things better again. And the brain's a part of your body. And sometimes it doesn't work right, either. You might be overly touchy, or heavily distracted, or (in your case) it might seem life is a big fat zero.

But it's a bit different when it's the brain that's out of whack. When your stomach gets misaligned, your brain can analyze the situation, decide "this isn't normal" and suggest you head for the doctor. But when your brain is the part misaligned, it's more likely that your brain will insist that everything is functioning normally. That this really IS the way it is. After all, you've trusted your brain all your life. When it says "you're cold", you put on a jacket. When it says "I'm hungry", you start heading for the fridge. And when it says "Life is meaningless and without joy", well, you're prone to believe it.

But that's just the problem. Your brain can give you bad information sometimes. We've all seen a quarter on the floor and jumped away from it, thinking it was a bug. We've woken up screaming or gasping from air from a scary dream, when we've actually just been lying in our beds safely.

Right now, I can guarantee you - your brain is giving you some bad information. I know - I've been there. Less than five months ago, I was living in a cold state of despair almost 24/7. Life was meaningless, nothing mattered, etc etc. But I was lucky enough to have just enough brain power to realize, "This isn't right" and head for the doctor. I chatted about it with my doctor, discussed various treatment options, and started working towards getting back on top of things. I'm still working on it. I still have occasional "down days". But it's so much better now. I still remember "breaking through" - in a Home Depot, of all places - where, for the first time in almost two weeks, things seemed OK. Like life was worth living again. It's an amazing feeling, even in Home Depot. :)

Go. Go see your doctor, tell him/her what's going on, and let's get you back on track. Because life can totally kick ass, and it's totally worth sticking around for. :)

Lex
 
You are unhappy, depressed because you have set a high standard of what happiness should be. Some people like me find joy just by sipping coffee in the morning, others by seeing sun rise and sun set, others thru their sports. YOu can't just be happy by finding someone. Find yourself first.

Actually, don't worry about it.It'll pass. You're in the path that many people have gone through--the path where you start to wonder the purpose of your existence. This usually happens when your life goes in circle that you just want it to stop but so powerless to do so. Go deeper to yourself. Get to know yourself first before you decide you're a shitless bloke that needed to be off.
 
Well, you guys really distracted me tonight - I received tons of PMs, a telephone call from a relative, and an urgent need to submit my college homework before midnight.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and help. I promise to seek therapy and/or medication come Monday morning.
 
Hey, InnovativeBoxxx: Be sure you're not drinking too much coffee. And for awhile, lay off the caffeine altogether. This is serious advice, not a joke.
 
Time and life.
What can you do without them?
What can you accomplish with them?
Don't worry, be happy.
If that is not easy, then please, be what you know is right.
If you don't know what that is, just be... your life will figure it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjnvSQuv-H4
 
My best friend killed himself when we were 22. He saved my life. I was thinking of doing that myself and I wasn't expecting that at all from him. He always appeared happy. He was straigth and had a girlfriend (who I'm still friends with).

When he did what he did, I saw the amount of pain that he inflicted on all the people that loved him (myself included) and he probably felt so alone, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Even if it ment just living for the sole purpose of not bringing pain to my family and friends. It was hard but my depressions passed and I couldn't be happier to be alive.

Some day you'll be glad you didn't do it. Life is beautiful. Hope you feel better
 
^ The advice in this thread and the perspective of yortoxx is some of the best advice I have ever seen on this forum.

There is still so much to live for. Life has its ups and downs, and sometimes we that valley of the shadow of death. But there's a mountain top to climb just beyond it. You sound like a good, sweet guy, and if that's you in your avatar, you're also very cute. :)
 
You won't always be alone and friendless, not if you put yourself out there. Are there any local clubs or groups that interest you you could join to make new friends? It sounds like you're torturing yourself within your own mind and i know that can happen if there are not a lot of people in your life you can talk to about things. Getting left alone with your negative thoughts is not fun and will drag you down if you keep listening to them or worse, believing them. As for the African American thing, i wouldn't see why that is a problem but like sexuality, you can't change who or what you are
 
I'm glad you have found some solace in the advise of those who've posted here. The gift of life we have been given is nothing to be taken for granted. Please go and talk to a professional as soon as you can. There are meds that can help tremendously with your problem. Just make sure you get back to us and let us all know you're OK.
 
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