I was feeling like a shit.... but am dealing

[Pegasus69]

To revisit an issue I was having with a friend. Some of you may recall that a friend of mine was calling me, while under the influence of medication and alcohol, and would cry and complain about how horrible his life was. It got to the point where I could no longer take it since I have been dealing with the cancer issue for the 1 1/2 years. This past Tuesday evening I got a message that he had an accident and was in the hospital. The next day I went to the hospital to visit, expecting to see him all battered and bruised. You see, I assumed that he had a car accident while driving under the influence. I was very wrong. I barely recognized him. He looked emaciated with his eyes sunk into the sockets, his cheek bones were very prominent and his lips were drawn. The first thing I thought of were the pictures I have seen of people in Africa wasting from AIDS or starvation. After sitting with him for a bit and talking he became tired and I left so he could rest. One of his brother's was outside waiting for me and we had a talk. It turns out that while in his apartment he fell, hit his head hard enough to develop a hematoma. He was unconcious in his apartment for two days before his brother found him. His stomach is distended to the size of a basket ball due to fluid buil-up as he has advanced Cirhosis of the liver. They are not sure if he is going to survive or not.

For a while I was dealing with guilt because I had cut off contact (you see, both of my parents were alcoholics and I can't have that in my life, especially now.), but after talking to many friends who are now clean and sober and in AA I realize that he did this to himself and there was nothing more I could have done. I told his brother that I tried to get information from my friend on how to get in touch with his brother's (they don't live in the area) but he would not tell me. Every once in awhile I feel the pangs of guilt but I think about the situation and come to the conclusion that If I could not stop my father from drinking himself to death, I could not stop my friend.

Thanks for hearing me out........

Steve

 

[BrandonSBCA]

I'm sorry to hear about your friend Steve, I do hope he is alright. I feel the same guilt when I cut contact off from my friends for a very long time.

 

[gabriel1]

I'm sorry to read about your friend, but having had an EX who is/was an alcoholic, I knew that they only get help if/when they want it. You did what you had to do to keep yourself on track. I know there is occaissional guilt but you must remind yourself that he did this you did not. Keep the outlook on the sunny side for yourself and keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

[Horschallen]

You are a very good man, Steve. You did the best you could, given the circumstances.

 

[1gayguy]

Given your situation Steve, you did what you had to do.No reason for feeling guilty. I am sorry to hear about your friend. I hope things work out for the best for him.
Dan

 

[buzzj]

I'm sorry to hear about your friend--- but you have nothing to feel guilty about! You didn't cause the problem... and you can't cure it!

 

[valis23]

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I understand how you feel. A friend of mine has been going through hell for the past year. He brought most -if not all- of it on himself. Every few weeks he calls with the latest chapter, and it's like listening to a latter-day Job. He's lost his wife and daughter, his job, his house and car, and he's in serious legal trouble. He was drinking, then told me he had quit, then back on it, then tried to get into some rehab, then back out. He called yesterday with the latest update and starts talking about how he's got to get into a methadone program. Turns out he's also been doing some pretty hard drugs through all this. I can't imagine how he's afforded them.

I try not to be judgemental, but where to you cut off the sympathy and tell him to call back when he decides to quit fucking up his life and the lives of everyone around him?

 

[Txgoodoldboy]

I hate to hear that your friend is in such bad shape. But I think you did the right thing.

I hope you are doing okay. You have been in my prayers.

 

[KennyD]

Although I am very sorry to hear about your friend , you should not have any guilt.
You did what you had to do to maintain yourself ....

 

[backpacker]

Very sad story, but thank you for posting it. It may serve as a warning for others. You are correct in your determination that there is nothing you could have done. As much as you wanted to help, once it became apparent that he didn't want your help, cutting off contact was the right thing to do.

 

[eddielee]

If a person is very determined to destroy themselves with alcohol, there's not much you can do. I had an alcoholic boyfriend and I couldn't stop him from drinking. The current condition of your friend, while painful to watch, is not your fault.

 

[frankfrank]

I've been there, done that, as well - watching friends self destruct.

If somebody is hell-bent on their own self destruction (though they probably don't realize it), there's rarely anything that can be done if that person chooses not to help him/herself. I have successfully pulled somebody up before, but it's never guaranteed to work.

Even unconditional love isn't guaranteed to be a panacea in these circumstances. It's good if you can be there as a friend and a shoulder, but if the only net result is that the friend/mate fails anyway, AND you're also dragged down, nothing is gained.

 

[Shepherd 2]

Naming the guilt you feel,
is probably a key to pushing it aside and moving on.
Pushing things down in usually is the opposite to what really helps.
So here is to release from the guilt, whether anyone else
believes or not that you ought to feel one way or another.
You are courageous and I wish you well. Shepherd 2

 

[star-warrior]

I agree with everyone here. One can only do so much, and feeling guilt for something won't help. All you can do is hope for him to sort it out mentally.

 

[wanky_window]

bloody hell.

i'm sorry i didn't mean that as insensitive.

 

[cocktales]

Hey sweetie, it's real good to hear from you again..........!!! lol

Try NOT to allow yourself to feel guilty steve, for if we don't know the whole truth, then we are NOT responsible for anything we might think....

I too am so sorry about your friend, for he does NOT deserve his fate either!

Try to be a good friend to him and that just might mean saying a prayer for him....

Please continue to take care of yourself; for you must NOT let someone else bring you down......and it's NOT selfish to take care of YOU, for we all know just how much you care for the people around you!!!

Know that I and the rest of the JUBBERS are in your court and wish for you good health and L'chaim!!

Shalom!!!!

 

[Sausy]

You had good reasons for not being connected to him for awhile....you need not feel guilt about what is going on with your friend's dramatic health decline,but even though he must ultimately take the steps to get his life turned around,if it still isn't too late to do so....continue to be a friend to him,and hope he can recover and be good to himself and those who love him.You have had so much on your plate,you needed all your strength and attention to go to your own recovery.My continued good wishes for your own health and for your friend to survive and overcome this tragic situation.

 

[pkacrotjs]

There's not much to add to what's been said, so....

**supportive hugs**

 

[mojoe54]

You have to take care of yourself first, Steve. You shouldn't feel guilty about that.
As for your friend, hopefully he will survive and this will be the wake-up call he needs to get help and turn his life around.
I'm glad you are doing o.k.!

 

[RandomAccess]

As a recovering alcoholic (6 years, 9 months, 22 days), I know as well as anyone that we cannot hold ourselves responsible for the actions of others. You probably showed him more love by cutting him off than if you'd decided to overlook his behavior. Love and prayers to both of you.

Trouble with alcohol anyone? There's a solution. PM me.

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