I went through it when I was 17, and was also molested by a group of boys whe I was 13. I know that for me, it meant complete dysfunction sexually and I've never really gotten over it. Same problem with police and fear of - this was 26 years ago. I tried to take my life by the time I was 24. I do understand the fears and hyperalertness - it is not paranoia if anyone tells you that - it is a really awful soul destroying experience that shatters the world and makes it make no sense. I felt filthy and unworthy and terrified of everyone - completely submissive and hyper defensive at the same time. Family felt like the walked "on egg shells around" me. I empathise with your loss and pain.
That said, things do improve if you can access the right people. DOn;t rely on local police with no experience - go to federal police as this would be a federal crime, I'm sure. At least go to State police. Explain why you've gone to them and be frank and honest and fake some confidence to get their attention - letting them know you mean to see him in prison. Take extensive nots of everything they say and their names and times and dates. Make a tiringly detailed record of what took place. Ask friends for help in all of this - or family or even you employer. You'll be surpriosed who will get riled up at the thought that one of theirs was attacked in this way. Go into war mode until it is sorted out in your mind. But love the ones who help you, even if you have to apologise and do this repeatedly.
Things will eventually improve for you. I wish I could tell you how common this is. At a cocktail party at my place when I was 20, a group of us were sitting on the steps late at night having a smoke (all dressed up!) and it came out that one of the girls had been raped while her fiance slep beside her! He didn't believe her and they split. THis disbelief is not uncommon either. EVERYONE in the group of ten had been raped. In Australia thay estimate on in three girls and one in four boys is raped or violently assaulted sexually. I think that's a conservative number.
You are not alone, aned out hearts and souls reach out to yours. It really does break my heart that you have had to survive this tragedy. If you ever need to talk, you can skype me - just PM me and we can organise something. I'm in Australia, so we need to take that into account. I'm offering tentative hugs, because I hated being hugged but I think you know I mean it in the purest of ways.
PS. I also believed that I was responsible - this is bullshit of course, no matter what.
That said, things do improve if you can access the right people. DOn;t rely on local police with no experience - go to federal police as this would be a federal crime, I'm sure. At least go to State police. Explain why you've gone to them and be frank and honest and fake some confidence to get their attention - letting them know you mean to see him in prison. Take extensive nots of everything they say and their names and times and dates. Make a tiringly detailed record of what took place. Ask friends for help in all of this - or family or even you employer. You'll be surpriosed who will get riled up at the thought that one of theirs was attacked in this way. Go into war mode until it is sorted out in your mind. But love the ones who help you, even if you have to apologise and do this repeatedly.
Things will eventually improve for you. I wish I could tell you how common this is. At a cocktail party at my place when I was 20, a group of us were sitting on the steps late at night having a smoke (all dressed up!) and it came out that one of the girls had been raped while her fiance slep beside her! He didn't believe her and they split. THis disbelief is not uncommon either. EVERYONE in the group of ten had been raped. In Australia thay estimate on in three girls and one in four boys is raped or violently assaulted sexually. I think that's a conservative number.
You are not alone, aned out hearts and souls reach out to yours. It really does break my heart that you have had to survive this tragedy. If you ever need to talk, you can skype me - just PM me and we can organise something. I'm in Australia, so we need to take that into account. I'm offering tentative hugs, because I hated being hugged but I think you know I mean it in the purest of ways.
PS. I also believed that I was responsible - this is bullshit of course, no matter what.