I've been thinking about this a lot lately. My experiences are similar to LoveSweatAndTears. When I figured out I was gay, which was between Grade 8 and 9, I started to isolate myself from everyone because I was taught being gay was wrong and thought that people who were gay would be made fun of and hated. So I didn't really have any friends. Some people would talk to me but I was distant so they stopped talking to me after a while. And that's how I thought it would have to be for me to protect myself. I became emotionally distant from my parents as well because I didn't want them to find out. It continued like that throughout high school and I never really had any friends in high school.
Now that I'm in University, I'm at a point where I feel that I can't change even though I want to, and I've lost the ability to make friends. I was studying for my sociology test the other day and reading in my textbook that friends are the agent of socialization that develops your self and self esteem. I totally related to that since I have no self esteem and have no idea who I am.
So yeah, being gay has definitely impacted my life, sadly mostly in a negative way. Guys are hot, but everything else has sucked for me so far. Well, one other good thing is that I'm a lot more open minded than I would have been if I wasn't gay. I've been thinking about going to councelling about my problem lately. But I'm so fucking scared. Hopefully I'll get the courage sometime this semester.
Like with so many other things in life, it really boils down, to what you make out of it.
Being gay is neither good nor bad. It is who you are. Now, it is up to you to make the best out of it.
I felt that living in sync with who I really am, was the best thing that happened to me.
I was very grateful for all 'the drawbacks' that came with being gay. At times, I had to work much harder and I had to save up much more than all the str8 guys, who heavily relied on their wider family support. Good for me. I have reasonably secured my career and my life and am as independent as they come. Those, who heavily relied on the others soon discovered that such reliance came with a heavy price.
You may want to reconsider your isolation. Usually, nothing really good comes out of it. Would you be any different, in this respect, if you were str8, or would you find some other equally 'good' reason to isolate yourself, coz something else would have been wrong anyway?
Friends and family do function as agents of socialization. But they are not agents of your own happiness and fulfillment. That agent rests with you and you alone.
If you feel that your self-esteem is low, non-existent or even unsatisfactory, take that as a challenge. Achieve something and show it to both you and your environment that you are worthy of their attention and approval, without ever seeking those directly.
If you stick with the notion that 'actions speak louder than words' and if your actions are worthy and productive, you'll soon be getting friends and plenty of support from people around you.
Nothing succeeds like success.
SC
