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If the above poster was arrested, what would they be arrested for?

Dry humping his alma mater's mascot live on ESPN during March Madness.
 
Adding his personal cream to the coffee he serves at Starbucks.
 
^for impersonating one of The Village People
 
Having sex with a stolen leg of lamb in the parking lot of the supermarket.
 
^for eating that leg of lamb afterwards.
 
Posting the video of palbert blowing SY...every morning.
 
Drooling over live sex at St Peter's Basilica.
 
Masturbating to the Sistine Chapel ceiling during a papal mass.
 
Going to the doctor for a pap smear, and refusing to leave no matter how many times the doctor explains he doesn't have the right parts.
 
for promoting Skittles as a remedy for wrinkly penises.
 
for promoting Skittles as a remedy for wrinkly penises.

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Sixthson would be arrested for attempting to have sex with a motorized vehicle, a specific crime in his region.
 
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