If you hang out enough won't you be able to tell?

[yuengling]

Here's what I have on this lad so far...
give me your best guess.

My friend went to a prop 8 protest in L.A. and he made cracked a joke about one of the signs the christian protesters held up(I know I fucked up, I could have outright asked him when he made this comment, without him thinking I had a crush on him). One of his friends, a girl, asked him out on a date and he expressed uneasieness and said that he wished he had never agreed to it.
He hangs out with girls sometimes but I don't think he's dating any of them as far as I can tell or has ever had a girlfriend. also we've been calling back and forth but he's been busy and he'll say things like "we should really hang out soon". this phrase is kind of hard to decipher over the internet but his phrasing and intonation reminded me of this girl I dated who used to talk in a similar way and when she said it, it meant sex. I guess my question is, since I am going to be spending alot of time with him alone won't I soon enough be able to tell? We're going on a road trip with my band, it'll be just me and him for a two days.We live in a small southeastern town and I'm very uneasy about coming onto anyone that turns out to be straight.

Obviously since he went to prop 8 protest he's not homophobic, but he's becoming such a good friend that I don't want to lose him as a friend or make him uncomfortable. I've liked girls before and a few guys, but its rather insane how hard I have fallen for him. Soul and R&b music are starting to make alot more sense, though, that's the unseen benefit. Obviously I'm bi or gay but I'm extremely uncomfortable with being to open about the whole thing until I have had a successful relationship with a masculine(not bear) guy. If I was in a fufilling relationship that made me happy I wouldn't be as secretive about it, cause I would be more confident in my feelings. If all else fails I'll come to terms with myself and hit up the san fransico of the south some weekend(Atl), but I don't feel that bold yet.

 

[Fishstix]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

If you hang out with him enough, will you be able to tell? Maybe, maybe not. People stay in the closet for decades and still sometimes their family members and friends are completely shocked when they're the people who know them best. It'll depend on how good he could hide it if he actually is gay. If he is gay, wants you and wants you to know both then it'd be a lot easier for you to tell.

 

[KaraBulut]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

The solution in 3 words:

"Are you gay?"

 

[conrad]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

Don't just hang out with him, embrace him as a friend. For all you know being together may cause you to become more than friends. I'm not big on gaydar and or seducitons. If your body is telling you something in his presence and his body language is telling you something and the messages seem positive, be patient. When you have reached the point where contact which can be called sexual is needed and wanted by both of you, I have a hunch that it will happen naturally and you will feel good about it.

I have had good friends whom I would gladly have accepted as sexual partners, but who never gave indications in that direction. I still think they are very sexually attractive, but I also realize that they are out of bounds. Genuine friendship, freely expressed, often leads to meaningful sexual contact. I doubt that mere sexual contact ever really leads to genuine friendship and love.

 

[Lube]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

Obviously I'm bi or gay but I'm extremely uncomfortable with being to open about the whole thing until I have had a successful relationship with a masculine(not bear) guy.

Did you tell him you're gay? You don't have to say "I'm gay and I'm in love with you" (that's exposing yourself too much), but a simple comment that you like (some) guys will give him the picture.

Only then will you really have the ability to ask him if he's gay. Unless he's already told you by then.

 

[screwnutty]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

The solution in 3 words:

"Are you gay?"

Doesn't work unless the guy is comfortable with himself. You say that to a confused or closeted guy and he's going to say no. Then he's going to go deeper into the closet and maybe not even talk to you again.

I know. I've asked that question before.

 

[yuengling]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

So here's my question couldn't I steer the conversation towards the prop 8 protest again someday and ask him if he's gay?
I guess my concern is, if I ask him if he's gay does that immediately out me and make him think I like him. Its one thing to be outed its another to have a straight friend think you have the hots for him. I have a lot of other straight guy friends and I haven't fallen for them, the only ones I even like in a gay way are the ones I think are at least bi. I can get over it if I know he's straight and continue to be friends with him without doing anything awkward, I just don't want to lose a friend in the process of figuring out what his orientation is.
so is the "are you gay" question going to make him think I like him?
what's the best way to phrase the question without him thinking I want him.
all this is still rather confusing because I like gay porn more than straight but I've only dated girls and I'm pretty much only intersted in the average masculine type gay guys. I have no interest in the flamboyant types so i never can figure out who's gay. as it stands of now I think I'm bi but who knows?

 

[seven_sins]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

Don't ask about the prop 8 protest unless there is one coming up that you would like to go to with him. Don't ask him if he is gay. If he thinks you are straight and you ask him that, he will certainly say no. The best course is for you to let him know that you are at least bi. Either tell him straightforward or give him enough hints that he can put 2 and 2 together. What about saying something like, "I have been wanting to go to the big A and check out some of the gay bars there." That might be a little too direct, but you could drop subtle hints now and then.

 

[yuengling]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

yeah well this lad's pretty clean living and I don't think he's having sex with anyone currently, which is why its so hard to tell.

 

[yuengling]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

I mean this lad always wears this bright baby blue t-shirt with a cartoon penguin on it, not the most masculine attire in the world ya know.

 

[yuengling]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

yeah that's the problem I have with directly asking him. If someone asked me and I wasn't interested in them or didn't think they were gay I wouldn't admit to being gay. the only time I've done it was late in the evening drinking with a best friend, but he prefaced it with" man my girlfriend is convinced you're gay"..are you" "its none of my business" etc... that's a very different situation.
Again, if I or the person in question sees no benefit in letting it be known why would they say yes?
Keep in mind folks we're not in that big of a town. There's gay bars here but only one or two. so even if he is I don't think he will be open about it until he knows its a friendly audience.
It seems like only the out and proud types would only admit it and I already know they are gay.

thank you..
I think dropping hints that I'm bi is probably the best idea seven sins.
Also as long as I don't do it in a weird way it'll hopefully keep him from knowing that i like him and won't ruin the friendship.

 

[screwnutty]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

I think dropping hints that I'm bi is probably the best idea seven sins.
Also as long as I don't do it in a weird way it'll hopefully keep him from knowing that i like him and won't ruin the friendship.

Seven Sins is right.

But why drop hints. This lad is a good friend of yours right? Why not just tell him. Upfront. No games, no hints, no code.....just the truth. Tell him that you trust him and that you like hanging out and value his friendship, but that you want him to see the real you. That your bi or gay.

That puts the ball in his court. You get your reaction. If he's gay or bi and closeted he might tell you later down the line. If he's straight he let you know that too. If he's a straight friend, he tell you that he supports you 100%. If he wasnt that good of a friend to begin with....he will leave you alone and not talk to you again.

As bad as that last option sounds, at least you'll have closure. Oh yeah remember when you come out to him and if he is closeted. Don't pressure him. Just be there and be a role model. Alot of closeted gay guys think that they have to act like gay guys in tv shows, movies or how the media shows us and that simply not true. Show him that your just like a typical straight guy and that you like guy stuff too.....just you prefer to sleep with guys instead of girls. That's the only big difference between us and them.

PS: If you really like this guy. If you find it turning into love. You may have to wait it out. If you have the time and patience. I wrote about a friend on here before that to me acted gay and did some weird stuff. 4 years of weird stuff. My fellow jubbers ripped me to pieces saying that he was straight or that he was just fucking with my mind. He even walked away from our friendship and called me a faggot and didnt want to hang out with me. However a month ago he got back in contact with me. He was crying. I asked him what was the matter and he won't tell me. Were hanging out again and its great. Except last Wednesday night he dropped a bombshell on me....


He admitted to me that he was having have a problem, that he was confused about something and was trying to make up his mind. I like a dumbass, asked him what the hell he was talking about. He just looked at me. He never said a word and I just got it, I finally knew what he was talking about. I just simply told him... "its going to be okay. Just give it time and you know" He smiled at me and we just went back to playing video games and we haven't said a word about it since then. You might have to prepare yourself for a long wait. But I know my friend is worth it. I love him to death. Good luck to you.

PS: My friend is 23 years old. It doesnt matter the age, your only going to come out to yourself and your friends when your ready.

 

[KaraBulut]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

yeah that's the problem I have with directly asking him. If someone asked me and I wasn't interested in them or didn't think they were gay I wouldn't admit to being gay. Again, if I or the person in question sees no benefit in letting it be known why would they say yes?

But why drop hints. This lad is a good friend of yours right? Why not just tell him. Upfront. No games, no hints, no code.....just the truth. Tell him that you trust him and that you like hanging out and value his friendship, but that you want him to see the real you. That your bi or gay.

There's several things going on here besides the question of whether your friend is gay or straight.

To answer your question about whether asking someone if they are gay implies that you're attracted to them: no, it doesn't. Being gay is just another factoid about a person and friends should know these sorts of things about each other.

It's unfortunate that we have only one word -"friend"- that we use for so many purposes. In the US, a friend can be someone that you see occasionally, you know each other's name and you exchange pleasantries with. Or a friend can be the person that you are the closest to in your life.

If this guy is really your friend (i.e. a good buddy and not just an acquaintance) and you've been to a Prop 8 rally with him, it would seem a logical thing that the two of you would be comfortable asking whether the other is gay or straight. Especially if you're "friends".

It's not as if you are asking if he's a member of the Communist party or a CIA agent or if he tortures kittens for fun. That's the troublesome thing about being gay- in some ways, it's not a big deal but in other ways, it is a big deal. Being gay is like being conservative/liberal, growing up rich/poor, having sibling/being an only child, having a college degree- things that tell you a bit about a friend's background but not necessarily something that defines them. On the other hand, dating and relationships are a big part of what friends are supposed to be talking about with each other, so it seems a little bizarre that two friends wouldn't know the other's sexual orientation.

Underlying all of this are three issues

• You want to keep your sexuality a secret from your friends as if there's something wrong with being gay. It's good that you went to a Prop 8 rally but isn't there something a little disingenuous about protesting in favor of same sex marriage yet being uptight about being open about something that is a big part of who you are?
• You want to know if this guy is gay but you're not willing to put yourself out there and tell him that you're gay/bi/whatever.
• You're afraid that asking this guy whether he's gay is going to make him think you're attracted to him. Hello- you are attracted to him! Nothing is ever going to happen if the two of you don't admit you like the peen!

 

[yuengling]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

I didn't go to a prop 8 rally, he just mentioned it to me the other day because he went to visit his bro in l.a.. while he was in l.a. (not me) he was at a prop 8 rally. . I've ran into him on two different occasions at local bars, and he'll be hanging out with two or three girls that he works with. I just don't really know of any straight guys that go to hangout in bars with two girls that he calls friends.
Also a while back we hung out and the time we spent together just felt a lot different then when I hang out with my straight guy friends. I felt chemistry.maybe it's the infamous gaydar or whatever, but I just haven't ever gotten that strong of an emotion from any of my straight friends or even the flamboyant gay guys.

If I'm in a great relationship with a great guy I won't be as uneasy about being more open about it because then my feelings and thoughts will be confirmed.
I will feel like I have physically proven that this is what I want. otherwise I feel like just have a probably hypothesis in my hands.

 

[backpacker]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

You can't expect him to come out to you if you are not willing to come out to him. Saying it directly to him would be best. If you can't do that, then drop lots of hints. The problem is that reading his response to your hints is like reading tea leafs. I think there is six possible reactions:

1) Negatively because he's homophobic (not likely based upon what you already know).
2) Negatively because he doesn't want to encourage you (i.e. not interested).
3) Negatively because he doesn't want to appear gay (i.e. throw you off track).
4) No reaction at all. He basically ignores your remarks, which doesn't give much of a clue as to how he feels.
5) Positively because he wants to be supportive of you, but he's not gay.
6) Positively because the two of you have a lot in common (i.e. he's gay and is willing to play your game).

Hopefully that enlightens you to the pitfalls of dropping hints. You'll probably drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what his reaction means.

 

[yuengling]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

i imagine this wouldn't be so hard if I was confident in my feelings. i like him alot in a romantic way, I'm just not sure if I'm gay or I just like his personality and I'm bi?
I'm still torn on the whole idea of being 50 years old and gay... for some reason that just doesn't add up in my image for my life. i can imagine being gay until around 30 then it doesn't feel right.

 

[yuengling]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

he dropped a bombshell on me today but just left me in more gray area saying "yeah I've been hanging out with this girl lately, which is really different for me. " the first part of that phrase made me think oh ok he's straight I'll let it go, but then he follows it with but I don't ususally date girls??? Damnit. So he either sucks at dating or he's bi?
Its a shame.... I truly am only interested in average masculine acting gay guys but then its fucking impossible to spot those guys out..

 

[yuengling]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

so what he said was definintely gay??
the way he said he doesn't usually date girls? I just figured he meant that he wasn't a player or that he sucked at hitting on girls...

 

[yuengling]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

Yeah tonight he was walking around my house and he asked "so is there where your bedroom is or do you sleep downstairs?..." Is this yet another clue? or am I just blind as a bat...

 

[yuengling]

Re: If you hang out enough won't you be able to te

Ugh. No dude, he's all but come out and said he's gay, but no matter how obvious his clues, you keep trying to read tea leaves about his sexuality. You see the trees but miss the forest dude. This poor guy must be so frustrated trying to all but tell you, "Hello, I like cock!"

Yes, you're gay, deal with it.

So what are you going to do about it?

Look if this guy's gay I'll be totally be fine with being gay. He's the first person I've ever fallen for that made me feel the emotions that every song poem and book describe. I've never felt this way before. There's other guys and gals I like but I've never been so interested in someone before because he so much of a purer spirit than I am, pardon the hippie terminology. Anyhow if he's gay and we date I'll be in heaven, if it turns out he's not I'll be back at square one... Whether I get him or not, I'm just glad I finally know what love is and how strong it is...