If you're currently falling for a straight friend

[spencer]

If you're currently falling for a straight friend, please PM me and we can share stories.

It's amazing how easy it is to fall into the same patterns of hanging on someone elses moves and trying to figure out if this is the one time they'll turn for you. Or when you try to gather all the information in hopes of putting the puzzle together that he'll choose you. All the while, we all know that it's not happening.

It's so hard to do the right thing and just give up on something not attainable. And for some reason it's so easy just to torture yourself. I was in tears today and I know I did it to myself.

Please PM me so we can share experiences, maybe by that, it can help me get over my current rut of the same situation. Thanks

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: If you're currently falling for a straight fri

I never fell for a straight guy. The first guy I fell for was gay, but I also knew full well he was uninterested in me. So there was a lot of the same "I can make him like me" maneuvers. Possibly more, because, y'know, he's gay, so there's at least the chance, right?

I'm wondering if that's perhaps why I never DID fall for a straight guy. Knowing the heartache of falling for a GAY guy who I knew wouldn't ever return the favor may have been enough to program my brain to not go down that path again.

Lex

 

[slnattak]

I think I understand the straight guy fetish once and for all.

Quite simply, it's eternally romantic. It's not that 'straight guys are hotter' (Ime other gay men are much more erotically pleasing to me) but they do, more than other gay men- place you in a situation that is eternally romantic. I'll explain:

They are straight. You both know this. You'll never get with them. Yet at the back of your mind you think, maybe, it IS possible- they'll make the exception just for you since you DO have a lot of base chemistry, so they always keep you hanging on that cliff of pure romance.

All romantic love truly is, after all- is that feeling of excitement and wonder that's about to happen- but it never fully arrives. It's an innate ideal that cannot be reached. When the love actually arrives it ceases to be romantic love. It's now true love- and it's now more peaceful and settling than passionate or pining. With another gay man it can arrive. But what then? You'd have to keep moving on with your life- you couldn't stay stuck in eternal romance like you can with straight guys. And even though pining over straight guys might feel bad and uncomfortable there's still that hope that-- since it's really all about love more than orientations, you can MAYBE one day, hopefully- be together, even though it will clearly NEVER happen.

More and more philosophers and new age thinkers are understanding that romantic love isn't true love. True love is love that actually occurs or is happening right now. Romantic love is *Potential* true love that hasn't happened yet. (and may never happen- but it feels like it always COULD happen.) Romantic love is the feeling of getting to drink the pepsi. True love is actually getting to drink the pepsi. Romantic love is more uncomfortable, but it ultimately motivates people more - even if it's an illusion, and a sin (Lust - which isn't sexual pleasure but desiring a sexual pleasure that you can never have). Romantic/true love... you know, it's a balance. You probably avoid gay men that you can be with, because you like to put your heart through a lot of struggles since what is life without passion and expecting positive experiences? It's soap opera-y that way. But then you get tired of it and you just want it to HAPPEN already- so you get back to a person you can be with.

Now if two gay men play their cards right, it can be romantic AND true love... I'd imagine, as long as they both understand and play that game. As long as they can build the tempo enough before the grand finale, so to speak. But in a world that always encouraged gay men not to socialize with one another this can be hard. It too often goes straight to simply using each other instead of building up the relationship naturally. It's all too easy to get lonely growing up gay so when you finally meet another gay man you think 'what they hey we're both gay , attractive - let's just DO this already.

What is romantic love without true love? What is true love without romantic love? You clearly need both.

 

[TX-Beau]

Maybe. I think there are a couple of reasons gay men fall in love with straight guys. The first is proximity. If the straight guy is really attractive, and you’re around each other for whatever reason you could start crushing hard. Simple enough, and a gay guy with any self discipline at all would probably limit exposure just as a matter of self preservation.

The ones that don’t, that invent any reason to be around the straight guy, or the gay guys who will jump through improbable mental hoops to convince themselves that deep down, the straight guy is really gay, these gay guys I think have another reason. Basically I see it as the ultimate in avoidance behavior. They’re falling for, and pursuing straight guys because they know nothing will ever, ever happen.

If these guys really wanted love and relationships, they’d be looking somewhere they could find that, i.e. among other gay men. I think that they don’t a lot of the time because the gay guy isn’t all that comfortable with himself, and is consciously or unconsciously eliminating the possibility of actually dating a man.

 

[billybob109]

Story of my life.

 

[spencer]

An update on Bobby, my straight friend. A girl finally figured out the secret I knew all along, that Bobby was a great catch. I knew it would happen inevitably, sooner or later he's a great person. On Easter Bobby lost the big V. (Ironically he didn't cum and got soft) but it doesn't matter anymore.

I don't understand how a 33 yo grown man such as myself has come to this.

I need to get back into the scene. It's just not the same for me anymore, maybe i've lost my flair, i used to actually date. Just seems not many guys are into what i am lately and Bobby was just easy. We understand each other on a level like no other. Typical blah blah i know. He was even able to deal with my feelings for him.

And i know, a friend like that is one in a millio and i should hold on to that and i realize that, it's just so damn difficult. I feel like crying.

those who pm'd me before thank u. I can pm my email too if u wanna share more stories about Bobby and the straight guy you're head over heals about.

It shouldn't be like this, i'm too old for this :shakes head:

That's the worst part, you can't lose something u never had. still it's hard and i'm really bummed.

 

[rareboy]

You're right.

Give your head a shake.

Straight guys are often used by guy guys in the same way as Dante used Beatrice or Michelangelo used Tomaso in his sonnets; they represent the unattainable and a romanticized vision of love.

It means that they can be used to avoid real relationships.

So if you want to write a work equal to the Divine Comedy, then keep being wistful for the straight guy that got away.

If you want to live, then get out there and find the gay guy that loves you back.

 

[GBirdie]

Geez... why DID this topic have to appear.... lol.

I have to say I'm currently having that issue. But the feeling is like...... so..... .... blissful... or, whatever... Falling for a straight guy, I have to agree, could really keep you from relationships.

For me, I WANT to be in a relationship, yet I don't wanna forget how I feel for a friend of mine.... it's just so... pure, so lovely, the feeling that I'm willing to do ANYTHING for him. But as all have said, it's NEVER gonna happen.

Sometimes I feel that if I don't move on from this, I could continue loving that straight friend for the rest of my life.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Sometimes I feel that if I don't move on from this, I could continue loving that straight friend for the rest of my life.

A straight friend of mine fell for a girl who didn't love him back. He decided to stick around anyway, as a friend, hoping she'd change her mind.

He stuck around for eleven years. That's over a decade. At which point she got married. To someone else. And said it was creepy having him around now, so kindly get lost.

In movies, pining for and waiting for your "one true love" is considered romantic.
In reality, it's quite often pathetic.

Lex

 

[Fuckmyhole]

All the peiple I fall in love with are straight for some reason. I have fell in love with 2 men all my life and they always ended up straight. Honestly, when it comes to sex I feel that doing it with someone straight would be so awesome but emotionally I cannot fall for another gay man for some reason. I either fall for a girl or a straight man and that's really upsetting and sad.

 

[chillyboi]

i've falling for many straight friends 2 right now, but i WILL NEVER have them.!

 

[spencer]

Another Bobby story. So here I am on my laptop. I'm at Bobby's place for the first time (2.5 hours away) and we had the best day. We went to lunch and then to the water, then to dinner and walked around the outdoor shopping area.

There were times during the day where he was having super long text conversations with his lady friend. For the past hour I've been watching him on AIM with her. And I get it, I understand they're a thing, whatever.

So now we're back at his place and it just saddens me, because I'M RIGHT HERE NEXT TO YOU and you're not doing anything. I just asked if he wanted to do anything and the answer was, I'm tired of typing online even if it is her and I'm going to bed soon.

I'm also disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself more than anything else. I care so much for Bobby and I wanna be there for him (he's having a rough time in school and life besides her) and he confides in me.

I have full disclosure with him. He knows that I like him, he knows that I wanna be with him. We admitted to being co-dependant / dysfunctional. I hate this, I feel like crying, then I feel like hitting myself over the head because I cause this.

Even the mean posts by tx and reaper or whoever still won't mean anything cause I'm stuck in these damn patterns.

There is salvation though, he's moving further than I can visit. And that will help. I can finally move on.

He's right here. Why do guys do this to themselves. FML

 

[rareboy]

He's right here. Why do guys do this to themselves. FML

Because we can.

I always had a best friend. When I went to University, I thought it should be the same. And I fell for the guy I hung around with.

After one academic year I came to a realization that it was a waste of my life to be spending all my time with some guy that would ignore me every time he sniffed some pussy.

Get out there and make more friends. Stop being so dependent on one friend for companionship and comfort.

The wider your circle, the less likely you are to obsess over one guy.

 

[westindianstud]

I hear you brother. I also have feelings for my straight friend.

 

[winkman]

I'd been pining away for a good friend for way too long, basically going back and forth between being head over heels for him for a while, then just liking him as a friend, all while being totally unable to either let it go or make a damn move. A couple months ago we started spending basically all of our time together and I really honestly felt like maybe he wanted me back, so I finally came out to him and got shot down.

I was pretty crushed, but I was surprised at how quickly I got over it. We're still very good friends and I'm working on coming out to other friends and family now. This whole episode also forced me to face the bigger problems in my life; I'd really allowed myself to stagnate more and more over the past six months. So back to looking for employment and getting out of my parents' house, going back to school, meeting new people and pursuing hobbies, etc.

 

[drbonermen]

I think I understand the straight guy fetish once and for all.

Quite simply, it's eternally romantic. It's not that 'straight guys are hotter' (Ime other gay men are much more erotically pleasing to me) but they do, more than other gay men- place you in a situation that is eternally romantic. I'll explain:

They are straight. You both know this. You'll never get with them. Yet at the back of your mind you think, maybe, it IS possible- they'll make the exception just for you since you DO have a lot of base chemistry, so they always keep you hanging on that cliff of pure romance.

All romantic love truly is, after all- is that feeling of excitement and wonder that's about to happen- but it never fully arrives. It's an innate ideal that cannot be reached. When the love actually arrives it ceases to be romantic love. It's now true love- and it's now more peaceful and settling than passionate or pining. With another gay man it can arrive. But what then? You'd have to keep moving on with your life- you couldn't stay stuck in eternal romance like you can with straight guys. And even though pining over straight guys might feel bad and uncomfortable there's still that hope that-- since it's really all about love more than orientations, you can MAYBE one day, hopefully- be together, even though it will clearly NEVER happen.

More and more philosophers and new age thinkers are understanding that romantic love isn't true love. True love is love that actually occurs or is happening right now. Romantic love is *Potential* true love that hasn't happened yet. (and may never happen- but it feels like it always COULD happen.) Romantic love is the feeling of getting to drink the pepsi. True love is actually getting to drink the pepsi. Romantic love is more uncomfortable, but it ultimately motivates people more - even if it's an illusion, and a sin (Lust - which isn't sexual pleasure but desiring a sexual pleasure that you can never have). Romantic/true love... you know, it's a balance. You probably avoid gay men that you can be with, because you like to put your heart through a lot of struggles since what is life without passion and expecting positive experiences? It's soap opera-y that way. But then you get tired of it and you just want it to HAPPEN already- so you get back to a person you can be with.

Now if two gay men play their cards right, it can be romantic AND true love... I'd imagine, as long as they both understand and play that game. As long as they can build the tempo enough before the grand finale, so to speak. But in a world that always encouraged gay men not to socialize with one another this can be hard. It too often goes straight to simply using each other instead of building up the relationship naturally. It's all too easy to get lonely growing up gay so when you finally meet another gay man you think 'what they hey we're both gay , attractive - let's just DO this already.

What is romantic love without true love? What is true love without romantic love? You clearly need both.

That was an interesting explanation, thanks.

 

[GBirdie]

>>>Sometimes I feel that if I don't move on from this, I could continue loving that straight friend for the rest of my life.

A straight friend of mine fell for a girl who didn't love him back. He decided to stick around anyway, as a friend, hoping she'd change her mind.

He stuck around for eleven years. That's over a decade. At which point she got married. To someone else. And said it was creepy having him around now, so kindly get lost.

In movies, pining for and waiting for your "one true love" is considered romantic.
In reality, it's quite often pathetic.

Lex

Yea, I know that... and I have to agree that it's quite true what you said, and I'm aware of that though, thanks, haha.

 

[maxpowr9]

I posted about my friend a while back. Hes 27 and still single. I think he is just a really great guy and any woman would be happy to have him. I originally expected him to be gay but he wasn't (many reasons I could explain why he isn't). My crush on him was so bad I had to stop talking to him for like 5-months. I ran into him back in the beginning of April and we started to talk and hang out again. While I never professed my crush to him, I did confess that I look to him as a role model and that he has helped me out so much. I am sure now that I am graduating on from college that I probably won't see him again but who knows.

 

[Spensed]

Familiar territory:

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showpost.php?p=4845517&postcount=17

Easier said than done, but I wouldn't self-indulge these one sided "relationships". Even in terms of romantic love, they lack the element of possible consummation (in any meaningful sense). The sexual nature of the straight guy, that the gay guy is in love with, is a complete invention (in a way that it isn't to a straight girl that he happens just not to be in love with).

IMHO, other than as forerunners to something better, they're a waste of time, sometimes spilling into mental illness http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erotomania .

Therapy can help. These projected relationships can be just endless rehashes of (not always badly intentioned) emotional abuse in childhood.

 

[ItalianStallion00]

I was right there with ya. I came out to a good buddy of mine, and I knew he would be cool with it. We got a place together and what not, and then he started seeing and dating my best friend. Now the two of them are always together and I hate it because I wish I was her. Not so much as to being with him, just have what they have. At first I was falling for him, but i realized that would be bad, so I told myself I have to get over it... It was hard, especially since we live together and see each other all the time. But im happier now because I am able to just be myself around him and what not, and know that he has my other best friend too and shes clearly making him happy.
Honestly, just tell yourself to move on and try hard, dont give up. Still remain friends with him, because from what i can tell, you guys are pretty close. You dont wanna lose a friend like that, no matter what the reason. Try and find some more friends to help take your mind off it a little, and just distance yourself, but not too much. You can do it, and when you do you will feel a lot better because you will know you are over him, but you still have the friendship that you want and need. Good luck bro