I'm a horrible person.

[spreadeagle]

Well, why were you courting disaster? Since you knew that you see him from time to time at the bus-stop why should you start talking about him, out of the blue to your room-mate, and in a voice that was clearly loud enough to be overheard unless you harboured a secret wish that he would indeed hear you and would take offence?

Perhaps you'll be sitting behind a couple of neighbourhood women in the bus one day who'll be talking about the two screaming faggots who usually catch the bus. In that situation would you have the courage to confront them with their intolerance as your pale acquaintance did with yours?

It worries me that not only did you have the lack of self-awareness to realise that public mockery of a man who had paid you the compliment of asking you out was not a good look, but that you need to consult with others to try and work out what your appropriate response should be now.

"Do unto others as you would they should do unto you."

 

[Adam2299]

I called him last night and apologzied....

I could tell I really hurt him which made me feel like shit... I basically told him that I was totally out of line and I think he's really a great guy and everything... we talked for almost an hour, no lie. He said this wasn't the first time someone has made fun of him for his appearance so he was "used to it."

Long story short, I'm having lunch with him today, my treat.

To those who say I'm some horrible asshole, I agree that what I did was really fucked up, but I'm only human.... Thanks for the advice/comments.

 

[NickCole]

I don't think you can really judge someone until you meet them.

You're wrong. And I'm trying to help you.

"I'm a horrible person." reveals an assertive victimhood to get people on your side, get people to like you and comfort you, place you in higher esteem. It's an I'm superior/I'm a victim routine that requires hurting someone who's desired you so you're positioned for the response you want from others. Nobody who truly believes he's a horrible person would use that title then write the post that follows. You pretend you believe it might be true so others will comfort you and reassure you, even place you in higher esteem because you're the desirable one --who accidently hurts someone-- in the story.

I don't need to meet you to see what that's about.

You reinforced in your post that you're desirable, which is the most common identifier throughout your posts about yourself. The basic theme of your posts about yourself these past months is that you're very good looking, many men desire you, and you keep being in the position of hurting less desirable men who pursue you. The older guy who was jealous of other men's attention on you, the music teacher just out of the closet who was awkward sexually with you, the shy pale guy who somehow screwed up the courage to ask you out only to be rejected and then denigrated. You hurt them and then somehow this becomes something difficult YOU have to contend with ("So yea, worst day ever. I feel like a complete asshole." is your typical passive/aggressive self-deception -- it was a painful day for HIM, not YOU, and it was totally your fault ... if you REALLY felt so bad about it, you'd have apologized to him and tried to make amends rather than coming here to ask if you should). You use your supposed empathy for the hurt you've inflicted as a tool to collect sympathy for your supposedly superior self. It's also revealing that despite your apparent desirability, you never mention risking rejection --and genuine hurt-- by pursuing men you view as equal or superior to you. Your "problems" always come from hurting those who've been dumb enough to find you desirable and pursue you.

If you continue down this road it will hurt not only your victims but, in the end, most profoundly it will hurt you.

My priorities are very well-balanced. I'm not asking for sympathy whatsoever. I'm asking for advice. If you don't want to give it then don't bother reading my threads.

I am giving you very good advice.

And believe me, you need it.

 

[Piquechampion]

If you continue down this road it will hurt not only your victims but, in the end, most profoundly it will hurt you.


I am giving you very good advice.

And believe me, you need it.

Yes, hear the man. I´ve been down that road, been unbelievably shallow and mean to people who certainly deserved better. And everything you do, will come back to haunt you, and its not a pretty sight.

 

[NickCole]

I called him last night and apologzied....

I could tell I really hurt him which made me feel like shit... I basically told him that I was totally out of line and I think he's really a great guy and everything... we talked for almost an hour, no lie. He said this wasn't the first time someone has made fun of him for his appearance so he was "used to it."

Long story short, I'm having lunch with him today, my treat.

You can fix this, for him and more importantly for yourself. You can learn from this.

Don't seduce him at lunch. Don't try to get him to desire you. You know what I'm talking about.

Be kind, be generous so he feels better rather than so you feel better. Put away your good looks and your ability to get him to want you. And be honest; don't pretend to offer anything you have no intention of following through with.

To those who say I'm some horrible asshole, I agree that what I did was really fucked up, but I'm only human.... Thanks for the advice/comments.

Nobody here said you're a horrible asshole -- those are two words you used to describe yourself in the opening of this thread.

And don't pin your behavior on being human, if you recognize it's wrong then change it. It's your behavior that's the result of your choices.

 

[Kulindahr]

There's something my grandmother used to teach us that's important here:

Never say behind his back what you wouldn't say to his face.

To those who say "Everybody does it" -- that's an excuse, and a lame one. There are people who don't -- quite a few, in my experience, though hardly a majority.

What we really ought to do is expressed very nicely by Martin Luther when he wrote in his Small Catechism that we shouldn't speak badly of our neighbor, "betray him, or give him a bad name, but defend him, speak well of him, and take his words and actions in the kindest possible way." Millions of people have lived by that.

One big problem with the sort of thing you did is that it's all about you. Your words may have been about him, but the topic was really you -- your reactions. "He's so pale" is on one level a statement of fact, but the way you and your friend talked about it more than once shows that what's really happening is sharing your reactions to someone who seems different, to cement your own feelings of being together, or being better.

If you have any good sense at all, compliment him on his courage, and yes, admit you're shallow. Take your "I am not!" reaction and look at it for what it is: mere defensiveness. And "I'm only human" is a cheap defense as well, a cute way of avoiding taking responsibility for your own lack of self-control.

I wish you luck with him, but more importantly I wish you some growth. Break the pattern.

 

[eruvawen]

You are not a horrible Person , i have seen real horrible persons 3 Jears long .

 

[Richardodessa]

Wonderful Adam, so glad to hear that you did that. Restores a little bit of faith in the human condition.

 

[Adam2299]

UGH OK

i definitely just had oral sex with this guy's roommate..........

WHAT THE FUCK.

i truly am an asshole now. wow.

WOW.

 

[fiorio]

details, details,
is his roommate hot? ^_^

 

[Adam2299]

ughhhhh he's an old friend of mine..... i've hooked up with him before... it's just sooo fucked up that i even went there tonight. he asked me to spend the night but i got the hell out of there b/ ci know we'd end up having sex, which is obviously the LAST thing i should do right now.

I swear i'm not a complete asshole...... seriously. hopefully he never finds out though.... ugh.

i'm becoming a monk tomorrow.

 

[joeG23]

Adam, well done for saying sorry, and for facing up to what you did. It's the heart that makes a human being, not the outer skin. Be a friend, enjoy your life, grow from the experience.

 

[MindBlast]

UGH OK

i definitely just had oral sex with this guy's roommate..........

WHAT THE FUCK.

i truly am an asshole now. wow.

WOW.

LOL!

Sounds like your problem is thinking with your small head instead of your big one.

 

[wentworth]

There's a guy who lives a few apartments down from me who's sort of shy and kind of awkward. He asked me out last semester and I politely declined. He's a nice person but... just incredibly awkward.... well anyway I see him every now and then around campus or at the bus stop. He's realllllllllly pale.... and... well.... I sort of jokingly call him "albino" to one of my roommates. Neither of us mean any harm by it and we would never say it to his face... just jokingly between us.

So this particular roommate and I are standing at the bus stop this morning when I started talking about this guy and his... appearance.... sort of loudly to my roommate when all of a sudden someone taps me on the shoulder... I turn around and it's HIM and he says, "At least now I know how shallow you really are." and just walked away, missing his bus apparently. I didn't even know what to say....

So yea, worst day ever. I feel like a complete asshole.

Should I contact him and apologize or just leave it be?

Apologize and then melt into the earth. He nailed you. Now do you have plans to work on your character from now on?

 

[ludolfo]

UGH OK

i definitely just had oral sex with this guy's roommate..........

WHAT THE FUCK.

i truly am an asshole now. wow.

WOW.

So are you glad....? is 'wow' meaning that all you said was BS?

I mean look. the dude you offended was already shy, and 'awkward'. meaning he has been abused. So your added insult will have been another nail in his coffin---now you have had sex with his roommate? does this mean you are gonna be around the guy you hurt adding insult to injury while you shoe how you fancy his mate. makin him feel even MORE rejected.

You really have to think what yo doing cause your fukin with someones feelings. you have to find out if your ENJOY doing this. if you are sadistic.

 

[Rali_hates_Mondays]

I hope the guy whom you hurt is responsible enough to stay away from you. I'm not trying to insult you but he cannot continue to be hurt by your mistakes. You can try apologizing again but it's less likely that he will accept it.

 

[rareboy]

Wow, Adam, I'll bet you really really feel like shit now that dozens of people have dumped on you and only a couple have made cooing noises about how you really aren't a pathological sociopath.

I'd sure be a lot more cautious in the future looking for reassurance from a message board.

Let us know if any of this advice has actually contributed to improving your social skills and self-image.

 

[Rand]

I agree that you do indeed live in a small universe

I agree that you truly are hurting yourself more than anyone else

I truly wish I could believe that you were seeking advice or help or encouragement to be a better person or change.

I would love to be wrong and do wish you the best

 

[Piquechampion]

Cut the guy some slack, he is young and somewhat foolish and vain (I´ve been there myself), but he will grow out of it.

 

[M4P]

Cut the guy some slack, he is young and somewhat foolish and vain (I´ve been there myself), but he will grow out of it.

As they usually do

I think you should write a heartfelt apology and slip it under his door. I also hope you learned from your mistake.