DonSade
On the Prowl
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- May 30, 2008
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Hi. This is my first time posting. I’ve been reading the boards anonymously but…I need help! I'm a closeted bisexual, 22 years old. Only 7 people or so know about it. The thing is, there's something going on between a guy and me. And I don't honestly know what the hell it is!. lol
Back when I met him about a year ago, when we'd go out to drink he'd whisper things to me like "I am so falling in love with you" and cuddle me after he was drunk. The first day I hung out with him, he drank quite a bit, and said good bye with a long hug and a sigh and he barely knew my name! We eventually became good friends. We'd basically hang out and go everywhere together. I always found him physically attractive. I never felt him attracted to me though. The thing about it is he's gay. He didn't know at that point that I was bi.
As the months went by other things happened. This one day for instance, we’re hanging out with a group of our friends. I spent about a week at a good friend of mine’s house and his mother would cook for me and everything and I pointed it out in conversation. This other friend of ours tells him jokingly “Dude, you should bring him (referring to me) to your house and have your mother cook for him! That way, maybe he’ll start liking you too!” to which he responded by giving him an angry look (he’s good with the eyes haha… I can read them… and I love em soooooo much!). They always joke about this friend of mine being my boyfriend…
I eventually started noticing certain things that were giving me hints of him having feelings or something for me. But I didn’t pay attention. So, as the months went on…. I began developing feelings for him! He’d drive me home and I’d feel this unbearable need to tell him how much I loved him…. but I never did. I spent about 2 months or so infatuated. In those 2 months he met this other guy he started dating. We eventually grew apart as he would stay at this guy’s place instead of driving home, so I was to leave with other people to my apartment while my car was being fixed. We’d still hang out with the same group of friends our separate ways.
In one of the few opportunities I had alone with him, I told him I might be falling in love with him. He looked at me… took a deep breath and said “I’m kinda weird for this love thing….” I explained about my sexual preferences, and acknowledged that he was dating this other guy and I didn’t mean to interfere with what they were starting and whatnot and was just telling him to give my mind a break since it was interfering with my concentration. He told me about how he wasn’t sure about the guy either because he was so innocent and felt like he was caring for a child (the guy’s not out yet but we could all tell he’s gay). I told him to give him a try anyway because they looked cute together (… they do hehe). We stayed quiet for a couple of awkward minutes, and took off our separate ways.
The days went on and we became even farther apart. We’d see each other down hallways in college and would ignore each other, and in parties we’d act as if none of us existed. But at this party in particular he was drunk and all our mutual friends were there. He noticed I was melancholic in a corner and sat next to me and told me how much he loved me but he really wanted things to work out with this guy he was dating and basically didn’t reject me but gave me second seat whenever the other dude left his life by putting me on hold… Which kinda brought a smile to my face but I eventually noticed what he was doing and actually got pissed off.
As weeks piled up, we became even more apart. We took a course together and he’d act like he didn’t know me. But our circle of friends (at least the ones we regularly hang out with) is the same. We have to see each other often one way or the other! We’d basically kill each other with eyes. I’d try greeting him every once in a while but as soon as I reached his field of vision he’d give me just one look and intimidate the shit out of me, effectively making me go away. It was making me rather uncomfortable and all this was going on between our friends, and nobody seemed to notice! At times there would be so much tension between us that some people would ask both of us “are you ok?” separately and we’d both lie about whatever it was that was going on.
So 2 days before his birthday I sent him a message proposing a truce to kill the awkwardness… after all, I was going to be invited to whatever party they organized for him and I didn’t want to feel weird in it, He never replied. The next day, I’m eating at this place and out of nowhere someone surprised me by kissing my neck from behind and hugging me real hard. I could tell it was a guy so I turned around and lo and behold! It was him! He then flurried me with kisses on the cheek and chuckled. I was confused. I didn’t know WTF was going on… he sat in front of me, ordered his food and was acting as if nothing had happened during all those weeks and well, I followed the game.
That night we made a surprise party for him at a club we rarely ever visit but he likes a lot and as soon as he saw me he gave me this huge hug. I said “Happy Birthday precious” to which he replied “You smell soooooo good….” “I always smell good, you know that….. how’s the party?” “Can I hug you a little longer?”…… it was set so I went ahead and whispered I love you and he replied me too. We eventually moved to this other spot. I’m in my car parallel to the one he’s in on the other side of the street waiting for a friend of ours at their place. We waited there for about 10 minutes. I eventually lowered my window and started talking to one of our friends whom had gotten out of his car. As soon as that friend of ours left, he lowered his window, rested his head on it and shouted to me “I love you!” I was shocked. I stared at him for what seemed an eternity “You know that right?” I didn’t know what to say so I eventually just said “I think so…” “I really do love you… and no, I’m not drunk”. I blew him a kiss; he blew it back… all this with his boyfriend sitting next to him. And… I went completely nuts for him again!
I can’t think without this guy being in my thoughts anymore. We are around each other now much more often… usually he’s with his boyfriend (and yes I’m jealous) but I try to hold back. I already told him I wouldn’t try anything on him just because he was giving this other guy a shot. But I I'm actually considering coming out openly to everyone because of this. I’ve never felt anything remotely close to what I feel for him for the past girls in my life and never anything for a guy before.
What’s my confusion you ask? Well, in this crazy world of thoughts, I can’t help but think he’s playing me. I am holding back and he knows this, I do sit next to him and feel like hugging and kissing him till the end of days and there are moments in which I do feel strong tension between us, but I have nerves of steel and can actually control my urges. We’ve gone out alone as usual together afterwards and we act as if nothing’s happened between us, and every time we say goodbye we do it with I love yous. I’ve never kissed him although the opportunity has shown up many times before and I’ve passed. And there’s things he does that give me reasons to believe he has feelings for me, but is somehow holding in what he feels to be with this guy he’s with now. When all 3 of us are together at a given moment he shuts me down almost completely.
It’s funny because, when we’re alone, he’s really caring and tender. He keeps track of things I have to do that I might forget, and whenever we bump into each other alone, we’re pretty caring towards each other. We don’t talk to each other much directly anymore… but we overhear things from friends about what each of us has to do or has done and keep them in mind. We’re a pretty tight group.
None of our friends have noticed any of this though. I can tell because of the few people that know I’m bisexual, 4 of them are mutual friends of ours and we openly speak about guys and one of them is particularly a gossiper and she hasn’t confronted me about any rumors about me and him. Everyone else thinks I’m completely straight and I dare say nobody suspects I’m bisexual by the reactions I got from the people I did tell it to (and I’ve asked some of my gay friends and have been told I don’t trip any gaydars whatsoever… figures…)
I will say this is even rather childish. I don’t know how I let this span 7 months but it’s been going on for quite a while and in a couple of weeks we’re living together (we’re going to be housemates with 2 other straight guys… yay!
) so I don’t know what to expect from this. I’m thinking maybe it’s time to stop holding back and let things flow to see if he really does love me. I sure as hell know I love him though. I can tell because, even though I do feel sexual attraction to him, its second plane in my mind. What first comes up is this one feeling of being able to live with this guy for the rest of my days and being so fucking happy. I think about him on a crappy day and I feel better already… it’s happened too many times.
I don’t know why I let this happen… I really have nobody to consult this with. My confidents are good friends with him and I’d hate putting them in a weird spot hehe… any ideas guys? I’m really losing my head for him and I want this game to end. I’m tired of playing and feeling like the loser in this whole mess.
Back when I met him about a year ago, when we'd go out to drink he'd whisper things to me like "I am so falling in love with you" and cuddle me after he was drunk. The first day I hung out with him, he drank quite a bit, and said good bye with a long hug and a sigh and he barely knew my name! We eventually became good friends. We'd basically hang out and go everywhere together. I always found him physically attractive. I never felt him attracted to me though. The thing about it is he's gay. He didn't know at that point that I was bi.
As the months went by other things happened. This one day for instance, we’re hanging out with a group of our friends. I spent about a week at a good friend of mine’s house and his mother would cook for me and everything and I pointed it out in conversation. This other friend of ours tells him jokingly “Dude, you should bring him (referring to me) to your house and have your mother cook for him! That way, maybe he’ll start liking you too!” to which he responded by giving him an angry look (he’s good with the eyes haha… I can read them… and I love em soooooo much!). They always joke about this friend of mine being my boyfriend…
I eventually started noticing certain things that were giving me hints of him having feelings or something for me. But I didn’t pay attention. So, as the months went on…. I began developing feelings for him! He’d drive me home and I’d feel this unbearable need to tell him how much I loved him…. but I never did. I spent about 2 months or so infatuated. In those 2 months he met this other guy he started dating. We eventually grew apart as he would stay at this guy’s place instead of driving home, so I was to leave with other people to my apartment while my car was being fixed. We’d still hang out with the same group of friends our separate ways.
In one of the few opportunities I had alone with him, I told him I might be falling in love with him. He looked at me… took a deep breath and said “I’m kinda weird for this love thing….” I explained about my sexual preferences, and acknowledged that he was dating this other guy and I didn’t mean to interfere with what they were starting and whatnot and was just telling him to give my mind a break since it was interfering with my concentration. He told me about how he wasn’t sure about the guy either because he was so innocent and felt like he was caring for a child (the guy’s not out yet but we could all tell he’s gay). I told him to give him a try anyway because they looked cute together (… they do hehe). We stayed quiet for a couple of awkward minutes, and took off our separate ways.
The days went on and we became even farther apart. We’d see each other down hallways in college and would ignore each other, and in parties we’d act as if none of us existed. But at this party in particular he was drunk and all our mutual friends were there. He noticed I was melancholic in a corner and sat next to me and told me how much he loved me but he really wanted things to work out with this guy he was dating and basically didn’t reject me but gave me second seat whenever the other dude left his life by putting me on hold… Which kinda brought a smile to my face but I eventually noticed what he was doing and actually got pissed off.
As weeks piled up, we became even more apart. We took a course together and he’d act like he didn’t know me. But our circle of friends (at least the ones we regularly hang out with) is the same. We have to see each other often one way or the other! We’d basically kill each other with eyes. I’d try greeting him every once in a while but as soon as I reached his field of vision he’d give me just one look and intimidate the shit out of me, effectively making me go away. It was making me rather uncomfortable and all this was going on between our friends, and nobody seemed to notice! At times there would be so much tension between us that some people would ask both of us “are you ok?” separately and we’d both lie about whatever it was that was going on.
So 2 days before his birthday I sent him a message proposing a truce to kill the awkwardness… after all, I was going to be invited to whatever party they organized for him and I didn’t want to feel weird in it, He never replied. The next day, I’m eating at this place and out of nowhere someone surprised me by kissing my neck from behind and hugging me real hard. I could tell it was a guy so I turned around and lo and behold! It was him! He then flurried me with kisses on the cheek and chuckled. I was confused. I didn’t know WTF was going on… he sat in front of me, ordered his food and was acting as if nothing had happened during all those weeks and well, I followed the game.
That night we made a surprise party for him at a club we rarely ever visit but he likes a lot and as soon as he saw me he gave me this huge hug. I said “Happy Birthday precious” to which he replied “You smell soooooo good….” “I always smell good, you know that….. how’s the party?” “Can I hug you a little longer?”…… it was set so I went ahead and whispered I love you and he replied me too. We eventually moved to this other spot. I’m in my car parallel to the one he’s in on the other side of the street waiting for a friend of ours at their place. We waited there for about 10 minutes. I eventually lowered my window and started talking to one of our friends whom had gotten out of his car. As soon as that friend of ours left, he lowered his window, rested his head on it and shouted to me “I love you!” I was shocked. I stared at him for what seemed an eternity “You know that right?” I didn’t know what to say so I eventually just said “I think so…” “I really do love you… and no, I’m not drunk”. I blew him a kiss; he blew it back… all this with his boyfriend sitting next to him. And… I went completely nuts for him again!
I can’t think without this guy being in my thoughts anymore. We are around each other now much more often… usually he’s with his boyfriend (and yes I’m jealous) but I try to hold back. I already told him I wouldn’t try anything on him just because he was giving this other guy a shot. But I I'm actually considering coming out openly to everyone because of this. I’ve never felt anything remotely close to what I feel for him for the past girls in my life and never anything for a guy before.
What’s my confusion you ask? Well, in this crazy world of thoughts, I can’t help but think he’s playing me. I am holding back and he knows this, I do sit next to him and feel like hugging and kissing him till the end of days and there are moments in which I do feel strong tension between us, but I have nerves of steel and can actually control my urges. We’ve gone out alone as usual together afterwards and we act as if nothing’s happened between us, and every time we say goodbye we do it with I love yous. I’ve never kissed him although the opportunity has shown up many times before and I’ve passed. And there’s things he does that give me reasons to believe he has feelings for me, but is somehow holding in what he feels to be with this guy he’s with now. When all 3 of us are together at a given moment he shuts me down almost completely.
It’s funny because, when we’re alone, he’s really caring and tender. He keeps track of things I have to do that I might forget, and whenever we bump into each other alone, we’re pretty caring towards each other. We don’t talk to each other much directly anymore… but we overhear things from friends about what each of us has to do or has done and keep them in mind. We’re a pretty tight group.
None of our friends have noticed any of this though. I can tell because of the few people that know I’m bisexual, 4 of them are mutual friends of ours and we openly speak about guys and one of them is particularly a gossiper and she hasn’t confronted me about any rumors about me and him. Everyone else thinks I’m completely straight and I dare say nobody suspects I’m bisexual by the reactions I got from the people I did tell it to (and I’ve asked some of my gay friends and have been told I don’t trip any gaydars whatsoever… figures…)
I will say this is even rather childish. I don’t know how I let this span 7 months but it’s been going on for quite a while and in a couple of weeks we’re living together (we’re going to be housemates with 2 other straight guys… yay!
) so I don’t know what to expect from this. I’m thinking maybe it’s time to stop holding back and let things flow to see if he really does love me. I sure as hell know I love him though. I can tell because, even though I do feel sexual attraction to him, its second plane in my mind. What first comes up is this one feeling of being able to live with this guy for the rest of my days and being so fucking happy. I think about him on a crappy day and I feel better already… it’s happened too many times. I don’t know why I let this happen… I really have nobody to consult this with. My confidents are good friends with him and I’d hate putting them in a weird spot hehe… any ideas guys? I’m really losing my head for him and I want this game to end. I’m tired of playing and feeling like the loser in this whole mess.
" and he just looked out the window. "You're jealous! hahahahahaha! Shit, that's new..." "No...." "Are you sure?" *silence*. "You know I'm not even flirting with guys yet." "Yeah, I know" ](/images/smilies/bang.gif "Brick wall ](*,)")