I'm Depressed

[ewanlaw]

For the past couple of days I've been hangin around here lately, but before that I really hadn't been around here for the past few months.
When I first joined here I posted about my Social Anxiety Disorder as well as all my other crap. Those past few months I wasn't here I tried to get my life straightened out. I had to drop out of school because of the SAD and couldn't hold down a job.
Well it took me ten years to go back and at least get my GED. I'm not a stupid guy, It's just the SAD and all the other crap that has prevented me from doing all the other things I wanted to do in life.
Alot of people say just to get over it, but that bugs me because I can't "just get over it". They don't realise or understand at all. They don't understand the headaches I get just trying to do the most simple things.
There was a time I just stayed indoors and didn't even go out. A few years ago I changed all that by at least going out. I started trying to do things for myself instead of having someone else do them for me,because I hated that. I started to go and buy my own groceries, clothes,Toys etc. I started selling stuff online to atleast make some money, but it's not much.
I thought maybe i would try to get a job after I got my GED and then next year go to college(god I would feel so old),but I would do it anyway. So I go to tschool to get my GED, and actually tie with the highest score so far this year, and then I would at least try to get a job before the holidays. It turns out I can't even get a crappy job. Since I finished school a few weeks ago I've been trying to get a job ,but no one will seem to give me a shot. I mean I have only had a few jobs in my life and have no real experience,but I'm not trying for some high end job. I tried for things like stockers and stuff like that, so i could work behind the scenes rather than in front. I know that I would have trouble because of the SAD, but I need to start somewhere.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm already selling all my toy collection( which I love) . I really tried to at least start somthing, but it just doesnt seem to be working for me. This past week I've had such a string of bad luck to go along with my life of bad luck.
I'm lonely because I have trouble meeting people. I don't have a job, any money. I live with my mother(which is pathetic). I really wanted to fix this but it's not easy, and I hate it when people say just to do it and get over it, because they don't know. Thay don't know how it feels to be like this, to have these disorders I have. They don't know how my head throbs at night when I'm in bed.I'm gettint to the point where I don't even want to go out at all anymore.I'm just feeling tired of all this.

Sorry to bring everyone down, I just felt like letting all this out. I cant believe I said all this.
I think maybe next I'll post something fun or porn or something just to get my mind off of this
Thanx for listening, or rather reading .
....and please no nasty coments, I don't think I could take it.

 

[gmoney]

Ewanlaw; you hang here with us as long as you need to. I understand your fears. I've had them myself, so don't feel as if you are the only one. You are a very handsome man and I believe you will find what you need to make the first steps forward. Just know you have others here that do care and lean on us whenever you think it will help you out. I wish you the very best of luck!

 

[SilverRRCloud]

A friend of mine, who has got a Ph.D in Psychology and is a very smart cookie to boot, tested the waters, so to speak last year.

He dropped most of the high-flying references from his CV but did not put in anything that that was either inaccurate or untrue. And he tried to get any of the 'simple' jobs: sales assistant, stockist, night porter, day porter, busboy, etc.

He failed miserably. A very fat six-figure annual income, GL (for whatever that was worth), MENSA class dude was not good enough to bus the tables or haul the luggage through the hotel corridors. Go, figure.

Nope, I ain't going nowhere, and I ain't figuring anything out. He is trying to do that.

Basically, I believe that it is so much more difficult to get a job doing the usual, simple stuff than anything high-flying, where a college degree appears to be a minimum pre-requisite.

In other words, the employers simply see that you have no 'history of similar jobs' in the past and that pretty much disqualifies you. It works pretty much like your credit rating: no one is likely to give you a good credit rating, if you never took a credit, because you were smart, rich or very careful with your cash.

No one ever said this world was meant to be a rational and just place...

SAD is a serious problem. Get the prescription drugs and heal yourself. You may be able to get over with it, but you need the meds and as much human support as you can get. The rest is then, in your hands.

Your job No. 1 at this stage: get as much help and support as you can.



SC

 

[WYSIWYG]

I agree with gmoney you are a handsome man! Nice smile and great eyes mate! I also agree withSilverRRCloud, get the meds you need and get the support you need. I know about headaches...of debilitating kind-migraine. I know it is not the same, but staying in and at home isn't going to help you.

We can be your support group on JUB, you can count on us, but you have to make an extra effort.

I know it is hard....have you tried going to your states unemployment office to see what they might have for jobs? Afterall, it is the holiday season....

 

[mike_n_herrin]

hi ewanlaw,

This is exactly what JUB is good for. It provided you a chance to tell folks how you feel without the embarrassment (i hope so anyway) of talking to real people about things that are going on in your life. DO NOT feel bad about putting it on here. SAD is a serious thing. You've shown tremendous courage and will power to go get your GED and apply for jobs and just leave the house!!! That's amazing all in itself. You are obviously a strong person. It might not seem like it all the time, but to do the things you've managed with SAD is pretty remarkable.

when i first graduated from college i spent my first summer living with my mom and i applied for well over 100 jobs. i never even got interviews. i was so down because i had no money lots of debut and i was having to live off my mom. i felt terrible about it. i cried at night. i didn't know what to do, and I don't even have SAD, but it was a very depressing time for me. So I feel i have some small idea of how you feel.

you are an attractive young man with a great smile. i would try the unemployment office if you can. use every resource available to you. your SAD may qualify you for special placement into some jobs. I know some folks think that is unfair, but with so many people out there competing for jobs sometimes you have to use anything that will get you in the door. you got to have something that sets your application apart from the others. a employment coordinator with your local unemployment agency might be able to help you.

that's about all i can think of to say, but also want to give you some virtual hugs.


you can do it

- mikey

 

[natedogg323]

Hey Ewanlaw,

First off I've been a member of JUB for a little over a year now, and I come here and discuss ALL my problems, fears, anxieties and anything else that happens to be going on in my life. Don't ever fear or worry about being rejected here. I have found nothing but positive, incredible people wiling to lend support in any way they can to try and help a fellow human being.
With that being said, I want to tell you that if you search my post/thread history you will find that I have been going through some major shit in my life right now as well. I suffer from depression and seem to be on a roller coaster with my emotions of late. One day I wake up and wonder why I'm even still alive and then a few hours later I'm bouncing around like I just got laid. (Even though I barely remember what thats like..LOL) The point of this is to let you know that I kinda know what your going through. I want you to understand that I'm here for you and the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to get help, either by talking to people on here. (on PM if necessary) But I STRONGLY recommend you getting some counseling. Don't take that the wrong way, I am currently looking into cheap alternatives to get some counseling for myself, as I don't have money or health insurance. I don't want to say I'm bipolar but its starting to look like I might be. Do the best you can on trying to stay positive. I know things get shitty and life is very unfair. Congrats on working on the GED. A lot of people would have given up on life but your pushing forward and should be proud of the steps your taking to make positive advances in your life. We don't know what tomorrow holds for us and you have been through a lot of crap. I personally believe that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and you'll find out that there are some great things in your future. "IF" you keep pushing forward and setting small goals for yourself. Work on little things one at a time. Go to college and work towards a degree in something. Shit there are so many schools out there for specific careers and usually you can get a degree in a couple of years. I'm sorry to be dragging on I have so much I want to say but maybe this isn't the time or place. I just want to encourage you to keep moving forward and don't let life's bullshit keep you down. We'll get through all this bullshit and have better lives, you'll see!! PM me if you want to vent or ask questions or anything..I mean it!!!!

 

[cocktales]

I think you have already gotten some good advice and I think we at JUB know how you feel....

The point is you have to keep trying. If it means to get some professional help, you can go to social services and they will get free help for you if you canNOT afford it. Do NOT feel sorry about using these services, for you cannot control your SAD episodes and must have help.

It's good to know that people DO know how you feel and want to help you in any way we can.

I think most of the time, if you know people are in your corner and are NOT criticizing you, you will move on and take care of yourself and become a positive member of society....

Keep that pretty head up (smile too) and don't hideout at home, you MUST keep on moving forward!

 

[ewanlaw]

Thanx you guyz.
The problem is none of you are here to help me in person .
That's what I need is someone here to hold me.
Then around the holidays I feel even worse.
At least some of you understand. I told someone this and they told me just to get over it. That made me feel horrible. I mean it was that easy I wouldn't be like this. Trust me ,I don't want to be like this. Even trying to get medical help is hard for me. First off doing this would mean dealing with people and then doctors which scare me even more. Then ofcourse I would have to afford it.
I guess for me it has to be one really really small step at a time. The problem is I'm getting older and I just can't wait anymore. I can't wait to live on my own, live my own life, and find love or .
Thanx you guyz, Hopefully, by some miracle things will get better.

 

[deerborne]

You have no reason to feel pathetic, it sounds as if you are doing what you can to make this life work. You can always feel free to vent your frustrations here on this forum. Hopefully our responses show you that we support you through understanding and that you are not alone.

 

[Nonimus]

Getting a job, getting ahead and set-backs are part and parcel of everyone's life, even though it does seem sometimes that something out there is against us. The measure of man is getting back up once you've been knocked down, and you've demonstrated you possess that attribute.

Try focusing on achieving one goal at a time rather than looking at everything in your life as 'going wrong' - you won't solve everything at once.

 

[eddielee]

So much has already been said, that there is little I can add. See your life as a whole, and what you are experiencing now is temporary. I can fully understand the way you feel. SAD can be treated, your symptoms can be relieved. You have a future, just take things one step at a time. Set realistic goals for yourself. There is no reason for you to be ashamed about living at home. Home provides the stability you need until you can get better and get a job. First focus on your health, getting and following the necessary medical attention. Keep trying and you will get a job in due time. Every time you're turned down, pick yourself up and try again. Persistence will pay off. Believe in yourself. Declare out loud that you're going to be successful.

 

[Jadin32]

BIG FOR YOU MY FRIEND!

I can totally relate!
You have many friends on here and NEVER feel like you are alone!

You are already strong because you are still around working things out day by day!
I used to pat myself on the back for little things like going to the grocery store!
Baby steps........nothing wrong with them!
Keep in touch!

 

[NickCole]

People who know me, including here, know I'm generally opposed to medication for depression but in this case I think you absolutely have to give that a try.

From how I see it you've got two big steps to take, both of which will be hard. First you have to convince yourself you're worth the effort it's going to take to get well, and then you're going to have to get yourself to a doctor. That doesn't mean you have to have soaring self-esteem, but something in you has been keeping your Self down and you have to overpower that at least enough to get to a doctor.

I understand fear of doctors. What I can tell you about fear is that doing what you're afraid of won't kill you and the only way to do what you're afraid of is to force yourself. That's the only way. Force yourself. Force yourself. I can tell you can do that because, reading what you've written and also seeing what's on your wall behind you in your picture, it's obvioius you're capable of focusing attention and completing a task for something you care about. You deserve to get well. Make that the one thing you tackle right now, the only big thing you focus your attention on. Get to a doctor to find the proper medication so at least you can deal with your SAD problem. You need that start, you need some firm footing. That won't fix your life but it will, from what I've read, alleviate the elements of anxiety that are probably making it difficult for you to meet people and land a job.

You are going to be 30 next summer. In a fundamental way you've missed your 20s, and that's a shame. But our 30s are still young adulthood and can be a really wonderful time. Don't miss that. Don't wake up at 39 and say "damn I should have forced myself to go to a doctor, now I've missed my 30s too." Get to a doctor. If you need advice about financial assistance or free clinics, I'd start at the closest gay and lesbian center. If you don't have one of those or are afraid to call them, call local hospitals for advice. Don't put it off. Start your research about where you're going to go today.

And one more thing. This is none of my business, totally my personal opinion and no doubt some (maybe most) guys here will disagree with me but I'm going to say it anyway. Take that picture of you groping yourself off the Internet. Anybody can do anything they want with it, and you never know what you're going to do in life or how a picture like that might haunt you. You're very handsome and very sexy, but don't give yourself away like that. Place a higher value on yourself. That's my opinion.

 

[gsdx]

As a fellow-sufferer, I know what it's like to live with that affliction, and those who have never experienced it know how difficult it would be to simply attend classes and get your GED. My congratulations go to you. That, in itself, was a tremendous achievement.

Your attitude was positive at one time, and you made some changes in your life. Try to get that back. It will take time, but things will work out for you, I'm sure.

 

[greaves]

There is lot of help on the www. "Google" Seasonal Affective Disorder.

http://www.sada.org.uk/index.htm

http://nosad.org/

are useful, but there is lots of advice and info out there.

 

[ewanlaw]

Thanx for all your words of kindness, encouragement, support, and suggestions .
I think I better start giving these to you guyz.
Oh and those 2 links ^ above are for Seasonal Anxiety Depression. I have Social Anxiety Disorder, but thanx .

 

[mike_n_herrin]

hi ewanlaw

I just wanted to say hi and see how you are doing. In the US it's thanksgiving (I don't know if you are in the US), but often holiday times are hard for folks with SAD, so i thought i'd let you know i am thinking about you and hope you are doing ok.

- mikey

 

[tommyj]

Where are u located Ewanlaw?