I'm falling for my best friend: slightly long

[Durango95]

Well guys let me tell you how it ended. It did end as these things do. Graduation was around the corner. I wasn't going to do the whole cap and gown thing. The graduation fee was a couple of hundred bucks which I didn't have to spare. His family came to watch him graduate. His Dad was pretty high up in a oil company out in Midland. His mom was the typical socialite type. He had only one younger brother. Things were just normal right up until they got in town. He couldn't get away for a second. They kind of all were control freaks. I then understood why he was like he was. You have to remember this was before everyone having cell phones. You had to have a land line to call.

I was ready to get out of town. I didn't have anything but my clothes. The few things I'd bought for the apartment I sold to a guy that worked in a garage down the way from the store. I was traveling light. I sold my lawnmower to a kid down the street and gave him my client list. I had bought a 68 Triumph trumpet. Man I loved that bike. I miss that bike.

I knew where I was going. I had finally gotten a break and had a fellowship for grad school. The money wasn't great but it was money and the tuition was paid....finally.

I wanted something...closure maybe...an explanation maybe. I wanted something. I didn't get it. The day after graduation I got a phone call and this is what I hear.....Hey, I just wanted to tell you......you're the love of my life.........I'll never love anyone the way I love you......don't forget me...I'll never forget you.....................and hey, don't ever try and contact me...things are different now....I'm really sorry....but that's the way it's gotta be....don't make me hate you for ruining my life......that's what will happen.....you know that right.......I really mean it, I don't ever want to see you ever...I'm not that way....you know how I can be. The phone clicked.

Maybe the conversation isn't exact but it's close enough. All the oxygen was sucked out of my lungs. I'm not an emotional guy but I was wanting to die. I've been in fights before. I was sort of prone to them. If you've ever been kicked in the chest where your heart stopped...that's what it felt like. I was so excited to hear his voice. I wrote it down the best way I could but I'll try and explain how it sounded. The first few lines were in his normal voice. He really did have a sort of sweet way of talking to me, not girly but sweet. The last part of the convo, his voice was hard and cold like it was someone else. It was creepy.

I didn't get to say a word. I wanted to. I wanted to do all the drama and everything. I was listening to the guy I really truly loved telling me he never wanted to see me again.

This is the part that gets weird. I started having all these fantasy thoughts that maybe his dad had found out and he was having to say it. I mean I was spinning some tall tales to myself. I had a few days. I was making plans to go to him and tell his family and his now fiance'. I was on a mission. I wanted him and he was just going to have to deal with it. He told me he loved me and that's that. I don't let people kick me aside. He'll thank me in the long run. He really doesn't mean any of this....yada yada yada.

There was only one hotel near by. This was in the middle of BFE TX remember. I did go. I sat out int he lot for hours. I even went up to the window like a crazy stalker. I watched them in the restaurant. I was nuts. Then I realized I was nuts. I got on my bike and just drove....yeah very cliche....drivin and cryin. Me crying. I never cried about anything. I realized I was acting like a spoiled brat that wasn't getting his way. I was mad he didn't want me any more.

The thing is it was what it was. I never saw him again. Periodically I'd get the itch to track him down. I did a few times. He got married. He had kids. He made a lot of money. He did held political office. He lost a son in Iraq a few years back. I felt creepy like I was a voyeur of his life. I often wondered if he ever thought of me or tried to find me. It would have been a more difficult. I went through several periods of disappearing for very good reasons.

The thing is when you get into these"hybrid" relationships they never turn out the way you want them to or even the way you expect them to. I don't regret it. I do wish I understood it, though. The feelings were real. I have yet to figure it out. That has been 30 years ago. Writing about this has open old wounds. It hurts as bad today as it did on that day in May in 1982.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Thank you for sharing that.

While not exact, I've had situations similar. I've tried to track mine down, but their names are common enough I have no idea out of the thousands of entries which one might be them. I would never contact them, but I'd like to know they're ok, and what they've been up to.

It's odd to think that they probably have forgotten all about me, while I still love them deeply, just as strongly as I did all those years ago.

 

[Durango95]

This is actually a catharsis. I really haven't dealt with this in years, actually ever. I just hope maybe some of you younger guys can learn from this. Just go in with your eyes open if you find yourself in something like this.

My problem all along with this was, for me, if you go this far...which we were going pretty frigging far, why not go all the way. It was very frustrating for me. The whole time everything was a give and take. He would have been happy with the kissing and the fooling around in the shower...and an occasional handjob. I wanted the whole enchilada.

I came to know I wasn't going to get it. I tried though. I don't know what he was. I mean as far as how he self-identified. Frankly it is irrelevant. We were in a relationship. We were very intimately involved.

Here are some things that might clear some stuff up. He and his GF had taken a vow in church, yes I did say church again, to remain virgins until marriage. So here is my take on that. He wouldn't go too far, in his own words, because he considered what we DID do to not really be actual sex. He considered it sexplay. I suppose it was in a way but the fact we were adults kind of negates the whole innocent sexplay thing.

Like I said before, there were rules, mostly his rules. He was driving this bus for the most part. I'd stand my ground when I could. The thing is I never really understood who had the greater power here. I was afraid of losing him. That I know. He may have been afraid of losing me. He may have been afraid of my exposing him. He wanted everything to be very separate from his "other" life. So if I wanted to say something I really didn't have any proof. It would have been he said/he said. I think I know who "they" would have believed.

He loved the kissing part. Most other straight guys I got with couldn't stand the idea of kissing a guy. They would have screwed a guy in the ass before kissing the same guy. So that was odd. I'm not a big kissing kind of guy. My family really didn't kiss all that much. So I was not used to it. He wanted to do that all the time. He would say this one thing that at first kind of grossed me out...he'd say he loved the taste of my mouth. I'm sorry...yuck. It grew on me though and became a term of endearment. I expected him to say it after a while. Every time he left he'd come back and kiss me a few times...then he'd say that going out the door.

To condense things a little, here is a rundown. I would have done anything for him. Whatever he wanted I would have gladly done. I am not a submissive person at all. So this is a huge statement.

Here is the list of things he liked...kissing...putting his hands down my pants and playing with my boys.....bathing...massages-especially foot massages...me giving him a handjob and eating his load off his body. Here is the list of things he would not do...blowjob, receive or give....anal of any kind. He didn't even know what rimming was so that is a moot point. He would have never gone to a gay bar. I would have never asked him.

I gave in on the kissing and got to really enjoy it with him. Oddly enough with other guys it went back to not so much. Everything else I was all up for. I wanted more of course. I got what I could. This guy had a will of iron. When he dug in, he could not be moved...period.

This is what happened. We did everything he wanted. I got him to try a BJ once. That was it. It wasn't happening. I told him I'd just give him BJs. That wasn't going to happen either. I did eventually over a few months talk him into letting me lick him down there....not like all the time but often enough. He never really liked the idea of getting in my bed. He eventually accepted it. We did a dry hump sex type thing which involved of course a profound amount of kissing. He would cum. I would cum. I just ate it off one day. He was pretty freaked. I didn't make a big deal about it. He got used to that. He tried one day and gagged. He did do it sometimes but he had to be in a certain type mood. I loved to lick and bite his nipples. He really didn't like it too much at first. He did let me do it. He got into it after a while. It grew into licking and kissing and biting all over. He would return the favor sometimes but not often. I pushed when I could and would let it slide when he gave me "the look".

I hated the idea of that GF putting her hands on him. It drove me crazy. To his credit he never threw it in my face. He never teased me about it. He wouldn't back down about it either. If he had things to do with her that was that...period...no discussion. His"best" friend was a total jerk. I hated the idea of him having a second of time with him. There again, he was intransigent. He did what he wanted. Now here's the kicker, I didn't have a BF during this whole time. I had a few hookups which of course were called one night stands back then. It wasn't that he told me not to but I was afraid of his finding out and walking away. He was my BF. I don't know if he ever thought of it that way.

There was a lot of tenderness between us. I think he really was attracted to my body. I was definitely attracted to his. We were both jock type guys. I have to admit I was built like a brick shithouse back then. I worked out only a couple of times a week but everything I did as far a work was physical labor, plus the constant walking and biking. Plus thee was no extra income to overeat.

I loved this guy totally. I really thought I'd win in the end. I really did. I thought he'd think twice about it and he'd throw the GF over and be mine forever. I am telling you guys...I really thought that was going to happened. I was stunned when it ended the way it did. I was bitter for a very very long time.

 

[silentalk]

This is actually a catharsis. I really haven't dealt with this in years, actually ever. I just hope maybe some of you younger guys can learn from this. Just go in with your eyes open if you find yourself in something like this.

My problem all along with this was, for me, if you go this far...which we were going pretty frigging far, why not go all the way. It was very frustrating for me. The whole time everything was a give and take. He would have been happy with the kissing and the fooling around in the shower...and an occasional handjob. I wanted the whole enchilada.

I came to know I wasn't going to get it. I tried though. I don't know what he was. I mean as far as how he self-identified. Frankly it is irrelevant. We were in a relationship. We were very intimately involved.

Here are some things that might clear some stuff up. He and his GF had taken a vow in church, yes I did say church again, to remain virgins until marriage. So here is my take on that. He wouldn't go too far, in his own words, because he considered what we DID do to not really be actual sex. He considered it sexplay. I suppose it was in a way but the fact we were adults kind of negates the whole innocent sexplay thing.

Like I said before, there were rules, mostly his rules. He was driving this bus for the most part. I'd stand my ground when I could. The thing is I never really understood who had the greater power here. I was afraid of losing him. That I know. He may have been afraid of losing me. He may have been afraid of my exposing him. He wanted everything to be very separate from his "other" life. So if I wanted to say something I really didn't have any proof. It would have been he said/he said. I think I know who "they" would have believed.

He loved the kissing part. Most other straight guys I got with couldn't stand the idea of kissing a guy. They would have screwed a guy in the ass before kissing the same guy. So that was odd. I'm not a big kissing kind of guy. My family really didn't kiss all that much. So I was not used to it. He wanted to do that all the time. He would say this one thing that at first kind of grossed me out...he'd say he loved the taste of my mouth. I'm sorry...yuck. It grew on me though and became a term of endearment. I expected him to say it after a while. Every time he left he'd come back and kiss me a few times...then he'd say that going out the door.

To condense things a little, here is a rundown. I would have done anything for him. Whatever he wanted I would have gladly done. I am not a submissive person at all. So this is a huge statement.

Here is the list of things he liked...kissing...putting his hands down my pants and playing with my boys.....bathing...massages-especially foot massages...me giving him a handjob and eating his load off his body. Here is the list of things he would not do...blowjob, receive or give....anal of any kind. He didn't even know what rimming was so that is a moot point. He would have never gone to a gay bar. I would have never asked him.

I gave in on the kissing and got to really enjoy it with him. Oddly enough with other guys it went back to not so much. Everything else I was all up for. I wanted more of course. I got what I could. This guy had a will of iron. When he dug in, he could not be moved...period.

This is what happened. We did everything he wanted. I got him to try a BJ once. That was it. It wasn't happening. I told him I'd just give him BJs. That wasn't going to happen either. I did eventually over a few months talk him into letting me lick him down there....not like all the time but often enough. He never really liked the idea of getting in my bed. He eventually accepted it. We did a dry hump sex type thing which involved of course a profound amount of kissing. He would cum. I would cum. I just ate it off one day. He was pretty freaked. I didn't make a big deal about it. He got used to that. He tried one day and gagged. He did do it sometimes but he had to be in a certain type mood. I loved to lick and bite his nipples. He really didn't like it too much at first. He did let me do it. He got into it after a while. It grew into licking and kissing and biting all over. He would return the favor sometimes but not often. I pushed when I could and would let it slide when he gave me "the look".

I hated the idea of that GF putting her hands on him. It drove me crazy. To his credit he never threw it in my face. He never teased me about it. He wouldn't back down about it either. If he had things to do with her that was that...period...no discussion. His"best" friend was a total jerk. I hated the idea of him having a second of time with him. There again, he was intransigent. He did what he wanted. Now here's the kicker, I didn't have a BF during this whole time. I had a few hookups which of course were called one night stands back then. It wasn't that he told me not to but I was afraid of his finding out and walking away. He was my BF. I don't know if he ever thought of it that way.

There was a lot of tenderness between us. I think he really was attracted to my body. I was definitely attracted to his. We were both jock type guys. I have to admit I was built like a brick shithouse back then. I worked out only a couple of times a week but everything I did as far a work was physical labor, plus the constant walking and biking. Plus thee was no extra income to overeat.

I loved this guy totally. I really thought I'd win in the end. I really did. I thought he'd think twice about it and he'd throw the GF over and be mine forever. I am telling you guys...I really thought that was going to happened. I was stunned when it ended the way it did. I was bitter for a very very long time.

Wow! I'm really sorry about this. If he was that selfish, he doesn't deserve to be loved. No offence to you Durango.

This story kind of creeps me out. I'm afraid that if I try to have a relationship with anyone, I'll end up like this, because I've been through similar relationships, twice: I mean the control part! Although I'm still friends with them now.

I always thought that love wasn't about control, but about compromise and sacrifice. About focusing on the significant other instead of oneself. About selflessness and caring, instead of selfishness and control. Maybe he thought he loved you, but did he LOVE you? Or did he love HAVING you? I'm sorry about this but I'm just trying to figure it out.

Although heartwarming at first, the last part is kind of disturbing.

I'm sorry you went through such a heartbreak Durango, and thanks for sharing!

 

[Durango95]

Wow! I'm really sorry about this. If he was that selfish, he doesn't deserve to be loved. No offence to you Durango.

This story kind of creeps me out. I'm afraid that if I try to have a relationship with anyone, I'll end up like this, because I've been through similar relationships, twice: I mean the control part! Although I'm still friends with them now.

I always thought that love wasn't about control, but about compromise and sacrifice. About focusing on the significant other instead of oneself. About selflessness and caring, instead of selfishness and control. Maybe he thought he loved you, but did he LOVE you? Or did he love HAVING you? I'm sorry about this but I'm just trying to figure it out.

Although heartwarming at first, the last part is kind of disturbing.

I'm sorry you went through such a heartbreak Durango, and thanks for sharing!

There is no need to be afraid to get into a relationship. I knew when I got into a relationship with a guy like this I was walking into a potentially problematic situation. I had been there before, actually many times. I was sort of a masochist about relationships back then. I just had one bad one after another. I also have to remind you I was 22 when it started. So I was thinking more with my little head than the big one.

I will say this particular relationship did alter every one after that for many years. I was much less giving and much more cautious. Some would say I was more callous. Perhaps I was.

I have to confess. Even after all this time, it's been almost 31 years, to hear you call him selfish raises my ire. Even after all these years, I still hold the fantasy very close. I want to believe he loved me. Otherwise what would be the point.

When your in the middle of something like this, your judgement gets very skewed. You see what you want to see. You believe what you want to believe.

I have only the one picture of him. I know exactly where it is. I never look at it. It would hurt me too much.

In the words of Fuel.....

love don't call on me again
I never want to cry like this
Die like this
No more favors my old friend
I never want to cry like this
Die like this

I felt like that for a very long time.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Wow! I'm really sorry about this. If he was that selfish, he doesn't deserve to be loved. No offence to you Durango.

This story kind of creeps me out. I'm afraid that if I try to have a relationship with anyone, I'll end up like this, because I've been through similar relationships, twice: I mean the control part! Although I'm still friends with them now.

I always thought that love wasn't about control, but about compromise and sacrifice. About focusing on the significant other instead of oneself. About selflessness and caring, instead of selfishness and control. Maybe he thought he loved you, but did he LOVE you? Or did he love HAVING you? I'm sorry about this but I'm just trying to figure it out.

Although heartwarming at first, the last part is kind of disturbing.

I'm sorry you went through such a heartbreak Durango, and thanks for sharing!

I just had kind of an epiphany reading the last two posts here and reflecting.

Did you ever see the movie "Titanic" ?

That's what this is like. You have your whole life planned out ahead of you... often times it feels like never ending boredom. And then, out of nowhere this guy comes into your life, and turns it upside down. Everything feels new, and exciting, and he can get you to do stuff you've never thought you'd like and makes you feel like you can fly!!! When you kiss, or touch, it feels like you're everywhere in the universe at the same time... invulnerable... bigger than life...

You may have only been together for a few days, weeks, months... yet it felt like forever - in the good way. Like you've always known him, and always will... Then... he's gone.

Like Rose, in Titanic, when we lose our 'Jack', we learn to move on, carrying his memory with us through out our lives. We date other people, and live happy enough lives, but HE is the one who will always hold that one special place in our hearts above all others.

Love should be about compromise and sacrifice, but it's been my experience where love is never very equal. Someone ultimately ends up loving the other more. And while these special few guys are able to turn our worlds upside down and get us willing to do anything for the other partner, it unfortunately doesn't always work both ways.

I think in hind sight, Durango can see where his guy was a closeted gay/bi, and not willing to do whatever it took to break out of the closet. He chose to stay in, and lead a life other people expected him to. It was too terrifying for him, for whatever reasons. What he had to lose at the time seemed more important to him then what he had to gain with Durango.

 

[silentalk]

There is no need to be afraid to get into a relationship. I knew when I got into a relationship with a guy like this I was walking into a potentially problematic situation. I had been there before, actually many times. I was sort of a masochist about relationships back then. I just had one bad one after another. I also have to remind you I was 22 when it started. So I was thinking more with my little head than the big one.

I will say this particular relationship did alter every one after that for many years. I was much less giving and much more cautious. Some would say I was more callous. Perhaps I was.

I have to confess. Even after all this time, it's been almost 31 years, to hear you call him selfish raises my ire. Even after all these years, I still hold the fantasy very close. I want to believe he loved me. Otherwise what would be the point.

When your in the middle of something like this, your judgement gets very skewed. You see what you want to see. You believe what you want to believe.

I have only the one picture of him. I know exactly where it is. I never look at it. It would hurt me too much.

In the words of Fuel.....

love don't call on me again
I never want to cry like this
Die like this
No more favors my old friend
I never want to cry like this
Die like this

I felt like that for a very long time.

Sorry for calling him Selfish. No offence intended. I connected with your story on a very deep level.

- - - Updated - - -

I just had kind of an epiphany reading the last two posts here and reflecting.

Did you ever see the movie "Titanic" ?

That's what this is like. You have your whole life planned out ahead of you... often times it feels like never ending boredom. And then, out of nowhere this guy comes into your life, and turns it upside down. Everything feels new, and exciting, and he can get you to do stuff you've never thought you'd like and makes you feel like you can fly!!! When you kiss, or touch, it feels like you're everywhere in the universe at the same time... invulnerable... bigger than life...

You may have only been together for a few days, weeks, months... yet it felt like forever - in the good way. Like you've always known him, and always will... Then... he's gone.

Like Rose, in Titanic, when we lose our 'Jack', we learn to move on, carrying his memory with us through out our lives. We date other people, and live happy enough lives, but HE is the one who will always hold that one special place in our hearts above all others.

Love should be about compromise and sacrifice, but it's been my experience where love is never very equal. Someone ultimately ends up loving the other more. And while these special few guys are able to turn our worlds upside down and get us willing to do anything for the other partner, it unfortunately doesn't always work both ways.

I think in hind sight, Durango can see where his guy was a closeted gay/bi, and not willing to do whatever it took to break out of the closet. He chose to stay in, and lead a life other people expected him to. It was too terrifying for him, for whatever reasons. What he had to lose at the time seemed more important to him then what he had to gain with Durango.

Thanks for your thoughts. Got me thinking a bit.

 

[Durango95]

I just had kind of an epiphany reading the last two posts here and reflecting.

Did you ever see the movie "Titanic" ?

That's what this is like. You have your whole life planned out ahead of you... often times it feels like never ending boredom. And then, out of nowhere this guy comes into your life, and turns it upside down. Everything feels new, and exciting, and he can get you to do stuff you've never thought you'd like and makes you feel like you can fly!!! When you kiss, or touch, it feels like you're everywhere in the universe at the same time... invulnerable... bigger than life...

You may have only been together for a few days, weeks, months... yet it felt like forever - in the good way. Like you've always known him, and always will... Then... he's gone.

Like Rose, in Titanic, when we lose our 'Jack', we learn to move on, carrying his memory with us through out our lives. We date other people, and live happy enough lives, but HE is the one who will always hold that one special place in our hearts above all others.

Love should be about compromise and sacrifice, but it's been my experience where love is never very equal. Someone ultimately ends up loving the other more. And while these special few guys are able to turn our worlds upside down and get us willing to do anything for the other partner, it unfortunately doesn't always work both ways.

I think in hind sight, Durango can see where his guy was a closeted gay/bi, and not willing to do whatever it took to break out of the closet. He chose to stay in, and lead a life other people expected him to. It was too terrifying for him, for whatever reasons. What he had to lose at the time seemed more important to him then what he had to gain with Durango.

I suppose I see your point. After all this I had a real problem with connecting on a personal level with partners. I was a sex addict for years. I got into drugs and alcohol big time. It wasn't pretty for quite some time.

I don't really blame him though. I went in eyes open. It was a gamble and I lost. He told me all along that this was just a temporary fling thing for school. I knew where his head was. I chose not to believe him. I wanted what I wanted. I was acting like a brat. I wanted my way.

I guess the thing I thought was that I could love him enough for the two of us and that never works. I've tried this same MO a few times. It just doesn't work. If the other guy has no skin in the game you both lose.

 

[Durango95]

^I will make an addendum. I do think he loved me. I'm not implying that. I think he love me a lot. So it doesn't have anything to do with quantity. I don't think he loved me the same way. It was apples and oranges. How he looked at the relationship was completely different from how I saw it. I either couldn't recognize that or chose not to recognize that.

 

[silentalk]

I suppose I see your point. After all this I had a real problem with connecting on a personal level with partners. I was a sex addict for years. I got into drugs and alcohol big time. It wasn't pretty for quite some time.

I don't really blame him though. I went in eyes open. It was a gamble and I lost. He told me all along that this was just a temporary fling thing for school. I knew where his head was. I chose not to believe him. I wanted what I wanted. I was acting like a brat. I wanted my way.

I guess the thing I thought was that I could love him enough for the two of us and that never works. I've tried this same MO a few times. It just doesn't work. If the other guy has no skin in the game you both lose.

That's what I don't get. You said earlier that he said that you were the "love of his life"! To me, this means you were to source of his happiness (unless love doesn't mean much to some people). How can anyone let the source of their happiness go away, let alone drive it away, whatever the reason???? Maybe he had some other thing in his head he thought would bring him more happiness??? Could that be it??

I'm trying to wrap my head around this, but I think the reason I can't is because I don't really know who he was.

To me, if you're someone's "love of his life", and they're "the love of your life", then it's not even a gamble. It's total bliss. But I might be too naive.

 

[Durango95]

That's what I don't get. You said earlier that he said that you were the "love of his life"! To me, this means you were to source of his happiness (unless love doesn't mean much to some people). How can anyone let the source of their happiness go away, let alone drive it away, whatever the reason???? Maybe he had some other thing in his head he thought would bring him more happiness??? Could that be it??

I'm trying to wrap my head around this, but I think the reason I can't is because I don't really know who he was.

To me, if you're someone's "love of his life", and they're "the love of your life", then it's not even a gamble. It's total bliss. But I might be too naive.

There are people that compartmentalize everything. I am thinking that is what he did.

Maybe he really didn't mean what he said. I've often thought that. Maybe it was his way of throwing me a bone before smacking me with the hammer. He knew he was the love of my life. Maybe in his ham-handed way he was returning the sentiment, however ill conceived that idea may be.

I do know I was looking for what I wanted. He never lead me to believe that what we were doing was anything more than the right now sort of thing. I mean he never even suggested that it was going to have any long term future. I just wanted that so badly. I believed what I wanted to believe. Was there deception on his part? Not so much I think. Was there manipulation? Definitely.

 

[silentalk]

There are people that compartmentalize everything. I am thinking that is what he did.

Maybe he really didn't mean what he said. I've often thought that. Maybe it was his way of throwing me a bone before smacking me with the hammer. He knew he was the love of my life. Maybe in his ham-handed way he was returning the sentiment, however ill conceived that idea may be.

I do know I was looking for what I wanted. He never lead me to believe that what we were doing was anything more than the right now sort of thing. I mean he never even suggested that it was going to have any long term future. I just wanted that so badly. I believed what I wanted to believe. Was there deception on his part? Not so much I think. Was there manipulation? Definitely.

That makes sense, thanks!

 

[jakeup]

I understand that I may be seeing what I want to see with him, but I wanted to share this little tidbit that happened yesterday.

I owed this guy a gift, that's a little hard to get, for his birthday. We decided last night that we'd both go together and get it. Well, he's never been to my apartment before an always mentions that around me. Sure he's driven my drunken self home plenty of times, but never been inside my apartment.

I needed to change clothes so I decided to invite him over so he could finally come inside. When he came in, he pretty much inspected every inch of the place. It was rather weird, but it's no big deal. We sat down and were talking when I said something a little sarcastic, pretending it was him saying it, trying to mimick him. I then said and I quote, "Now let me put words in your mouth..." to which he replied, and again I quote, "What else can you put in my mouth?".

Now, normally we'd be around friends who we could joke like this around. No, we were in my apartment, alone, just talking. I would give anything to go back and say "Well, my bedroom is right there.", but I just froze. That's the third time I've frozen after he said something like that.

How should I approach doing more things with him to get him alone like that again and see if he does it again? I'm getting really tired of not capitalizing on all of these innuendos he says (or the things he does). I know what I want with/from him, but I'm too chicken. He throws me a rope, I just end up hangin myself with it instead of reeling it in.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Invite him over more often.

 

[jaysizzles]

If somehow you did actually confront him with any of your feelings, where do you think it could possibly lead? Are you still moving away? According to your 1st post of this thread, it should be within a few weeks that you're moving...? Does he still have a girlfriend? Maybe the reason you're being a "chicken" is because you really do know that you'd "hang [your]self", and that revealing any feelings or inviting him into your bedroom when he makes a sexual innuendo would lead nowhere...except to make things awkward between the two of you.

I was trying to read thru some of the above, and saw nowhere where you mention that he knows you are "curious" about your sexuality. Maybe he senses it...maybe not. I'm thinking that when he makes these sexual innuendos, he's likely thinking he's making a joke with his straight buddy...kind of like the common off the cuff joke "that's what she said" that a guy will say when someone says something that could be interpreted as sexual. I've got straight friends that will joke like that...each of us know it's just a joke tho.

Idk...it seems like a lot of this is wishful thinking on your part, but if you do decide you want to see if the friendship could go into something sexual, you have to take a risk. Maybe test the waters first...next time he throws out a sexual innuendo, respond back in a joking manner with something sexual like..."yeah, I know you want this" or "anytime anywhere", etc... and laugh it off. See what happens...