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I'm Getting Mixed Signals

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fenix87

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I hope someone can give me some advice. I have limited dating/relationship experience and I need to figure this out. Here's the story:

I moved to a new area five months ago and tried to meet people online. I became online friends with someone and we talked often. Sometimes I wouldn't contact him for a couple of weeks and he would text me out of the blue. We finally met and went out to dinner. We spent 3-4 hours talking at the restaurant, even as it was closing. I was over the moon; the chemistry seemed good. The next week, we meet again. This time it was at my place. We had beers and talked, again for hours. Finally we kissed, and continued kissing for 2 hours. It didn't lead to anything, which was fine with me. It felt so nice. When he left, we tried to keep in touch. I would text him to say hi and try to start a conversation, but either he or I were at work and we didn't really finish our conversations. In one conversation I told him I liked him and wanted to get to know him better. He said yes he'd like that. But I started to notice that I was the one who was usually initiating the conversations, and so I stopped. He texted me a few days later asking me how my Halloween was. Finally, I texted him three weeks ago, and we had another short conversation that was cut off because he was at work. I haven't heard from him since.

Now, I'm confused. If he was interested in me, he would text more often and try to make concrete plans. If he wasn't interested in me, then he wouldn't respond at all to texts, or occasionally initiate conversations, or spend hours talking and kissing me. So, I'm confused. Any advice from the holders of wisdom? I can supply more information if needed.
 
You're sure that he's single?
 
OK talk, meet, make out - no hookup. You're not getting mixed signals, guys who are interested will make time for you. UNLESS there's a closet, a BF, a GF, or all three involved.

Guys tend to vote with their feet, if he's not available, he's most likely not interested. A lot of guys don't want to be the bad guy and will ignore a situation rather than tell you outright they aren't interested. Sucks but such is life.

Let it go, if he comes back around later, you get to decide how much interaction you're looking to invest in this.
 
It seems like he's not completely ignoring you but he's not as interested as you are. Maybe he doesn't want a stable relationship.
 
fenix87 said:
I'm pretty sure but I'm 100% sure. The thought that he may be seeing someone, even casually did pass through my mind though. What makes you say that?
Click to expand...
Because guys with complicated schedules or who move at glacial pace, usually have some complicated reason, like...

TX-Beau said:
... a closet, a BF, a GF, or all three involved.
Click to expand...
...or cold feet/commitment phobia.
 
I suppose the least painful option for why he has changed is that he is not out or he is new to romance and it scares him to feel something for you. Ultimately, it might not matter if he is unable or unwilling to do the work it takes to be himself with your and with others. Keep us informed.
 
Thanks guys. He is definitely not in the closet. I don't know if he has a boyfriend...I mean he could. I'm leaning towards that he doesn't want a relationship.

Of course, I couldn't help myself and texted him today. We caught up with each other. I told him that I'd had a rough couple of weeks since we talked last. We had a full conversation, and he said that I could talk to him whenever I want.

Seems he will be more friend than anything else. :(

BTW this exact situation happened to me years ago during college. Now the guy has contacted me and says he's interested me...and am not really interested in him now.
 
Some guys are afraid of intimacy. On the surface, they say they want it, but when the feelings start, it can become scary for them. I've observed it happen fairly frequently. But one thing is indisputable: actions speak louder than words. He may be one of those guys who have, what, in psychology, is called a "split": If they're turned on to you, they feel very insecure, because they're vulnerable. OR, they go the other way, find someone they feel comfortable with, can even enjoy sex with - but they do not feel the deep passion or desire towards the person. Hence, if the relationship breaks up, they do not experience great pain, because they were not truly in love. It happens more frequently among straight married men (it's a riff on the "madonna vs. whore" complex). They cannot integrate that their mate can be both pure AND sexual, so they choose one (hence, the term "split off") and lust after the other. Happens with gay guys, too. After all, we - most of us - had parents, and we've modeled our emotional/romantic paradigms around what we saw growing up.
 
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