I'm going to come out at last (I think)

[digbydog]

Hello everyone

Where to start, I'm 33 in a couple of weeks and am still in the closet. I've never been with another guy, I've had a few shortish relationships with women and a few one night stands but always known that i am gay and I've sort of come to terms with it now. Anyway the reason I'm writing this ,is that I was taking to a new work mate the other day and he told me his son is gay and it got me thinking about the whole coming out thing again, but I'm really afraid. I've got a few friends that i've known for years and they have dropped hints in the past that they dont mind if people are gay and i'm sure they sort of know anyway, but its always been easier to ignore the whole thing and just change the conversation.
My parents are my main concern, I was living with them for a while after university and my dad found some gay web sites on my computer , the reaction wasnt good, he basically confronted me and told me he didnt want me in His house if I was going to be looking at "that sort if thing", once again I just backed out of the conversation. I live quiet a way away from my parent now but we are still close and talk on the phone each week and the usual "when are you going to settle down and give us some grandchildren" conversations crop up from time to time, I want to be honest with them but dont want to hurt them.
I suppose what im trying to say is I dont want another birthday to come and go and still be in the closet. What should I do.

 

[sixthson]

Hi Digby,

First, know yourself, at least the best you are able. Second, ask yourself a few questions: Can I change the fact that I am gay? Can I control what my parents think and how they will react to knowing I'm gay? Do I really want to live my life for them or do I want to experience love for myself and all that comes with love?

If knowing you are gay is going to hurt them, that is an issue with which they will have to deal. You came to terms with it, now it's their turn. Will they reject you? Maybe, maybe not. Most parents continue to love their child even if they don't approve. No one wants to hurt their parents, but you have a life to live.

Personally, I think you should tell them, face to face, and let the chips fall where they may. My guess is, they already know or have their suspicions.

Next time they ask you about settling down and giving them grandchildren, tell them you are working on it.
I'm gay, settled down with 3 children. It is possible.

Good luck, buddy. It will be fine, especially when you find love.

 

[shyguyy9]

Coming out to your parents is a scary thing. I did last november, and I still havent come out to anyone else in my family. I know my fathers side of the family will disown me, and i've come to terms with that, but my mother's side will probably just freak out and accept me eventually for the most part. Coming out is a scary and usually slow process.

So take it slow. You'll be surprised how many ppl just dont care and love you for who you are. Build up a support system of peoplel just incase things dont go well. LIke i said buddy, take it slow, and at least a couple will surprise you for the better.

 

[Eagle653]

If it's any comfort and makes things easier, your parents know. So, probably do your friends. What telling them does is it brings the issue out into the open and allows you to be you without hiding that aspect of your life. For the first time, your friends and family will know the real you and you can be real around them from now on.

Having any conversation about something as personal as sexuality is intimidating and kind of embarrassing. Hopefully, it will go well.

Check back in and let us know how it went and how you're doing. Good luck!

By the way, there's a thread in this forum somewhere about funny reactions people had when people came out to them. I love that thread and it almost makes me laugh. I've also had others tell me that reading it gave them strength to come out to people. Maybe you'll end up with a funny reaction to add.

 

[timnmostud]

all of the above is good advice. I don't really have anything to add, except to let you know that there are a lot of people here who support you. So, use that when you need to. Good luck to you! Keep us posted!

 

[rareboy]

"when are you going to settle down and give us some grandchildren" conversations crop up from time to time, I want to be honest with them but dont want to hurt them.

You're an adult. It is none of their fucking business when you're going to settle down but you are hurting them more by not being out and honest with them than having them throw a hissy over the fact that they aren't getting the child they'd maybe hoped for.

Or they might surprise you and themselves and admit it is you they love and they couldn't care less if you're as queer as a three dollar bill.

 

[G-Lexington]

Dig, it looks like your own possible issue is your parents, and even that one doesn't appear to be a major hurdle. You're not living with them, you're not too nearby, and they obviously have some idea that you probably are gay. So I'd go for it. Don't feel the need to rent space on a billboard or anything. Just start telling your friends, one by one. Tell your co-worker with the gay son. You'll be surprised how easy it comes once it starts.

Lex

 

[digbydog]

Thanks for the support
Ive arranged for My best mate to come round for dinner this sunday so it looks like sundays going to be the big day. I just hope I can hold my nerve and I will let you know how it goes.
Thanks again Digby

 

[G-Lexington]

Don't sweat it. If he's really your best mate, chances are he won't be shocked. He'll in fact most likely be quite happy for you. Best of luck.

Lex

 

[Riverrick]

Picking one person to tell is the best way to start.

Good luck with telling your friend. We'll all be waiting to hear the outcome. Check back in before then if you start feeling nervous so we can help you with that too.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Digby,

You'll be fine mate... your friends see you for way more than being gay... thats why they're your friends. And they're right.... theres so much more to you than that... and with time your parents will see that too.

But you're making all the right moves mate... one step at a time. Talk to your mate... be the open honest guy you've been here and it'll go well....like you say he most likely suspects and obviously it doesn't change the way he feels about you one bit.

Then, when you;re ready face your parents mate. Telling them is a very different story to them seeing web sites. Your happiness and well being will be their priority once they absorb what you've told them. Just bear with them... I was 33 when I told my parents and like you I feared their reaction....but mate our parents have a way of getting past things as long as they see their children happy.

Start the journey mate the way you planned...and feel proud that you've found the strength and courage to do so... you should be!

 

[digbydog]

Hello again
Thanks again, this is the first time ive been so open about my feelings and I really appreciate all the support and advice.
Well My Friend has had to cancel on the meal this sunday but I've now made a loose arrangement to pop round to see him this saturday evening to "catch up with things!" so hopefully that means one less day and night of stressing out.
Yummers thanks for the advice but I know that I am gay, I may never have even kissed a guy but I know how I feel. The relationships I've had with women have been there because I've needed to be close to someone ( I feel like a right barstard for admitting that) and yes I haven't had a problem having sex with women and my last girlfriend I would go as far as to say I was in love with, but I have never been sexually attracted to women.
I know all this probably sounds really screwed up and Im probably going to have replies questioning weather I am gay or bi (or even straight), its taken me a long time to get to where I am in feeling comfortable with myself and yes maybe it would be good to "try before I buy" but I dont have the confidence to go out in to the big wide world without hopefully having the understanding and support of the people I love and care about. I already mentally beat myself up for being dishonest with them about the way I feel and dont want to carry on like this anymore. I just hope I dont bottle out tomorrow night.
Thanks again and Ill let you know how it goes.

Digby

 

[tallguy297]

No mate...no one here is going to question your feelings...nor are we going to judge you for your past relationships and falling in love with women... simply because mate a lot of us have done exactly the same thing. Thats why you will never be alone...you'll always have support, comradeship and freindship.

The path you're walking is a well worn one... theres no right or wrong way to do this or deal with it. You my friend are doing just fine. In fact you're doing admirably.

Good luck Digby... but I have a feeling you're not going to need it.

 

[digbydog]

I've just been invited round to eat at another really good friends house tonight (My best mates ex wife and her new fiance). Weve all had today off work and I've been decorating gingerbread men and women with them this afternoon (its a geeky sort of crowd of friends I have). anyway Ive sort of been dropping hints that I want to talk to them about something, so I guess tonights as good a time as any.

I think its going to be a long night, I best take an extra bottle of wine.

Digby

 

[digbydog]

Well I've made a start

I didnt find the right moment lats night round at my best female friends house, it just didnt feel right.
But I popped round to my best mates house for a cup ot tea and a chat and exlained that I wanted to discuss something with him and then just came out with it
Me"I just want to tell you that I'm gay".
Him "Oh I wasnt expecting that, so when did you decide ?"
Me " I didnt I've allways known, I've just taken a long time to come to terms with it"
Him " so are you seeing someone"
Me " no"
Him "Thats cool whatever makes you happy, My girlfriend works with a lot of gay guys do you want her to set you up"
Me "thanks but im ok for now ,I just want to get used to the situation"
Him "so are you going to be moving away"
At the time it didnt really register but thinking back its an odd thing to ask, its like he thinks I should want to run away and start a new life.
Anyway after that we just carried on talking about jobs hes got to do on his house as if nothing had happend. Then I asked him if he had any suspicions that I was gay Or if he had had any conversations with his ex about the possibility that I might be, but he said he hadnt and he just thought that I hadnt found the right woman. So that was that. I dont know weather hes just trying to play is cool and not make a big deal about the whole thing. And I wasnt expecting a fanfair or hugs and kisses, but it all seemed a bit matter of fact and I just feel a bit flat now.
Im going round to give him a had with some D.I.Y on his house tommorow and a couple of his old work mates will be there too so I'll just see what happens and weather me being gay comes up in the conversation.

So I dont really now how to feel now, as I said earlier i just feel a bit flat.

Any advice?
Digby