I'm having anal sex today, last time was 1995

[Nishin]

That was a long read, first of all, thank you for sharing your experience and life story with us...
In these days on JUB where everyone is suspected to be a fraud and troll, it's nice to see some posters still have enough trust to share their life stories...

I'm never too sure where is the line between what's safe for thread posting (as I've seen abuses here and there) or what should be kept in PMs...

Ok so therapy failed for you, I am not familiar with how depression or BDD works so I'm really at lost of comments on these, only asked because it seemed odd to me that a doc would satisfy with prescripting drugs for years without having you get a therapy.
I'm really sad for you that it failed and that you have been in such a serious condition for such a long time... I am lucky to have never known anything like that myself so it's a bit difficult for me to imagine what it actually means on a day to day basis...

As about the fascination for death/dead people, you will have plenty of time finding about it once your time has come... but when your time has come you won't have the opportunity to find out about life and its pleasures no more... why not prioritize the latter first then? Since the former will definitely occur anyway...

This said, I understand you're feeling better these days right? I hope you do.

Lastly, and I don't care if you believe it or not, although it would be great that you realize/acknowledge it instead of just believing it... but you not only do look good, but you are actually handsome, you have the nicest eyes and smile, this is not lip-service...

The whole thing definitely sounds like such a waste

Well I hope this bite into life fruit will make you hungry for more, congrats to you for already taking that step forward, try and have the guy come over for a longer play session next time and try and give him an orgasm, I'm sure you will feel good as it is really rewarding to achieving giving pleasure to someone

 

[Scealle]

Really appreciate that you share your story here. TBH even though I would love to try sex, the idea of someone raping me there with their there does freak me out sometimes. So sorry to hear that you were kicked from a forum you have been to for a long time. Hope you feel better soon. You are so cute!! If I saw you in real life I would date you in a heart beat

 

[borg69unimatrix]

It took me a long time to learn this, but ultimately as much as it FEELS like the world is out to get us, WE are our own worse enemies, and worse critics. I've spent a lot of my years living in my head, and worrying about what everyone else thought, holding me back from my own perceived social blocks that just weren't there to the degree *I* thought they were.

Some how you have to just learn and teach yourself to power through it, and show yourself the world will NOT come to an end over trivial little things that ultimately just don't matter. I've had anxiety over not looking the way I wished I did. I still do, to an extent, but I've also learned that there are zillions of people out there that are a LOT worse off then I am who amazingly appear to be a LOT happier then I was.

Look at what you DO have, and be thankful for that, and don't dwell on your self PERCEIVED short comings. Often times the things you don't like about yourself is that one endearing quirk that someone else will love you for.

 

[vulgar_newcomer]

Ok. Shut up and go get laid!!!! Then report back asap!!!

I was thinking by the time he gets done writing the novel here the guy will have gotten tired waiting for him and moved on.

 

[Telstra]

M10000,
when you were in your 20s, you were very hot i think?

 

[xbuzzerx]

M10000,
when you were in your 20s, you were very hot i think?

The past tense made me lol.

 

[Telstra]

The past tense made me lol.

lol, i don't care if my writing is horrible

 

[G-Lexington]

I've dealt with others with body dysmoprhia on EC, but there it's nearly always caused by being transgendered. They hate their body because it's the wrong gender more than any single aspect of it. And obviously, just telling them "oh, you're fine just the way you are" isn't the right answer. It's not just a matter of "accepting who you are" - it obviously goes deeper than that.

I'll just say I think you're more attractive than I am. I definitely have the "worst smile in the world" thing going on. (Every time I get my photo taken, the photographer says "OK, smile...Lex, a REAL smile...LEX, for God's sake, SMILE FOR REAL!" And of course, I AM smiling for real. Or trying to. That's why the only photos of me that I like are candid ones - ones where I don't know the photo is being taken, so I can't plaster on that not-at-all-correct smile.) I've got a gut on me, my nose is kinda big, my hair is deserting me, etc etc etc. But none of it bothers me. At all. Seeing someone more attractive than me doesn't affect me any more than seeing someone who is taller, or skinnier, or richer, or anything-er than me. They got a different draw. I'm fine with that. They might be a cool guy. They might not be. We'll see.

And despite being old and round and balding and hairy, guys are still hitting on me. And despite you being non-smiling and whatever adjectives you want to toss up there, you're getting laid, too.

Lex

 

[Nishin]

It took me a long time to learn this, but ultimately as much as it FEELS like the world is out to get us, WE are our own worse enemies, and worse critics. I've spent a lot of my years living in my head, and worrying about what everyone else thought, holding me back from my own perceived social blocks that just weren't there to the degree *I* thought they were.
[...]
Look at what you DO have, and be thankful for that, and don't dwell on your self PERCEIVED short comings. Often times the things you don't like about yourself is that one endearing quirk that someone else will love you for.

What Borg said ... exactly !! ie : when you say you don't like your smile, when I think it's your nicest facial feature with your eyes...

- I had had therapy throughout. he and I disagree about ognitive therapy which he think I should do but I dont and I have tried it and it didnt help. It is about changfing your distorted beliefs about yourself and life.

They are people who catastropize and everything is horrible. The therapy is meant for you to look at it from another perspective and break down what is good and what is bad about it.
[...]
I didnt think cognitive therapy could work for me because much of it is about my looks and unless I get plastic surgery, I am always going to think "Ive got those damn moles on my stomach or dark cirles under my eyes. (Yes, Ive used concealer, but not the really good kid that can cover it.)

Going back to the photo where my niece as a baby is not shown, she had forceps small mark on her face. It was a diificult birth. I didnt know the mark can be seen to this day because she always wore make up and I only saw it one day when she had no make up.

So your flaws may not even be noticed by others

Yes I was thinking of the exact same example of anorexia when what you see is not grounded in reality and like bad sight is fixed with glasses, there must be some sort of psychological lens/trick to switch defective perception... you keep mentioning circles under your eyes I just don't see them at all... and even if they were to exist (maybe they do but don't show on these pictures because of the lighting or something) that would just be a meaningless detail you focus on when people regard others as a whole rather than a collection of small details which overall balance/harmony fixes. Dark circles are a common trait in Mediterranean/middle-east populations yet they are (to me anyway) the most handsome men in the world !

What may look un-aesthetic under close scrutinization is irrelevant when envisioning a larger picture. As you rightly said, it really is about perception... but looking at this at yet another level, and as Borg pointed out, isn't also a bigger problem the fact that one focuses on himself so much, and especially in a criticizing manner, maintaining a self-feeding vicious circle of self-depreciation when there is so much beauty to look at and find elsewhere... self-appreciation/confidence is probably gained from what third eyes reflect of ourselves, granted one accepts to confront it and take the bad and the good comments alike.

My take on things is that we really don't need to waste time blaming ourselves for not being perfect, handsome, this or that, because it has no importance whatsoever, ultimately we are nothing, just clusters of dust/carbon granted with the privilege of life for a ridiculously short period of time on this planet to whom our existence makes no difference at all, which is not to say that we should consider it worthless, it's still precious for we don't know what was before, and what will be after, and our existence is our only tangible chance at taking the most of life as we can, in things we can do before it's too late...
Just a few days ago I met this tetraplegic guy (from a car accident) on a hook-up site, the nicest guy ever and probably the friendliest chat I had on a hook-up site... it broke my heart, but actually he never ever complained about his misfortune and shone with positivity when most people he encounters probably usually just give him pity looks that must be unnerving...

With that last sentence, don't get me wrong I know you've explained how depression prevents one from seeing what's to be enjoyed in life (that's the part my lack of first hand experience prevents me from understanding) and I understand it's a real medical condition so I apologize if I sound insensitive and patronizing...

- its frustrating that I havent had something that worked. Thats what I would say about that. I have wondred if I should do two round of shock therapy because it is something I never did properly.

I didn't know of shock therapy, just looked it up, I heard it works well for epilepsy... but it sounds a bit dangerous, the memory loss part... cognitive therapy sounds more on point with the symptoms you described imho...

- I have been worse because I was banned from a forum that I wen to for 12 years and considered it like a second home. Everyone knows what happened was ufair because I contributed so much that that owner should have been endeted (sp) to me. I gave content that no one else gave, like video captures and for example, the weekly eye candy alert that I post here.

Im ripped up about being tossed out because he said I was verbally abusive and he never talked to me about the real problem over 22 years when I woukd sometimes bicker, nit pick, not let things drop (kind of like this thread). I did all this for him and thats how he treated me.My cintributions to that foreum

Well that is rightly infuriating... I don't quite grasp the reason for the banning, you're only giving us your side of the story after-all, but you clearly felt it like unfair and treasonous, I can relate to this feeling, was there not any higher instance to plead your cause to?
You have been really dedicated to this, I've seen your computing related threads here and I'm sure you do take real pleasure in doing this... see how you actually DO have something in life beyond tv that is a hobby you take pleasure from
And that's not something depression took away from you, but another internet asshole... give credit where it's due !

Sorry for the endless babbling

 

[Nishin]

- nishin, if they dont believe it, it doesnt matter. Thast what body bysmorphia is partly about. I didnt know madonna would bring gapped teeth into 'vogue' (or rather lauren hutton)

[...]

its very hard for people to see good things when they dont think there necessarily are any good things. Thats a whole other area that id rather not get into because it can be the "oh woo is me" mentality.

Yes Mark, I have admitted this is something that's intellectually challenging for me to understand, so I'll just accept it as you say... yet there must be some way to reverse this.

Ill say this that because of how my life has been, i dont really have any viable job skills. I am good with computers and i have made a tutorial website and i have not heard on thing since i opened it up a month ago. No one has written to ask "can you make a video to show me how to do layers in photoshop or some basic html.
I guess i just did "oh woe is me" but thats the truth.
To be fair, i have not advertised it as of yet.

Are you referring to your very nice thread on computer tips here on JUB? Or an external site? In the latter case you probably didn't advertise it enough indeed

- two different therapys. Apples and oranges kind of thing. Shock therapy so im told is the last ditch effort for chronologically depressed people

Then make sure you have genuinely tried the other options before resorting to this one (try cognitive again !!!)

It is frustrating to have known that i have done so much work on the muscle forums and the only person who gets paid is ace bannon, through advertising. We all post content (photos and videos) and he gets money. Thats fair.

There is a forum called locker room. Aspiring bodybuilders would post that they needed sponsorship to cover their costs. I thought "hell, it feels like i work here, why cant i do the same sort of thing. These are guys who hire escorts (expendable income) and it would be nice if they threw a couple of bucks my way to show they appreciate what i do on the board.
[...]
so all that and thats how i get repaid. The yuku message system informs me i have resched my limit of two posts per day. The real reason is that the moderator, ace bannon, never wrote to me and said there was a problem with my behaviour. Initially, i was told i verbally attacked other members on the board. Total b.s. And 'blind side' from ace bannon.

That was my thank you for all my work.

I can see how the line gets blurry between getting a salary from ads for providing a board and voluntary recognition of one's work and dedication here...
Personally I wouldn't have a problem with donating to someone who I feel provided a valuable service that deserves the financial acknowledgement, but I also see how there will be problems in regulating money matters a non-commercial board that people frequent as a hobby/personal interest as opposed to a platform purposely designed at providing a service... there is also the issue of using copyrighted material one doesn't have rights on yet making money out of it... etc

I am not saying any of this applies to your situation, which I know nothing of... from your story it does seem legitimate to me for you to expect some kind of response to your dedication, be it financial, and that this Bannon guy probably saw you as a threat, the treatment he gave you looks really egoistical but I guess it's ultimately his right to be an ass and to do anything he pleases on his board...
Injustice is a very hard feeling to outgrow, good luck with that, I think you really didn't need and deserve this in addition to your other problems

I'm moving on to PM for a couple other comments...

 

[Native Son]

What can one say?

 

[sixthson]

I didn't read all this because there are just too many words, but having sex just to say you had sex and having to precede it with drugs and alcohol sounds like pretty good reasons NOT to have sex.