I'm in love and depressed

[likaza]

First, let me say that I'm not an English-speaking person, so I'd like to apologize firsthand for my mistakes.

About 2 months ago, there came this guy who started to work with us in our school. We're both teachers. He's 52 and I'm 40. I'm not out, because in the society where I live that would be disastrous. On the first days he seemed to enjoy my company and talking about his life and I started to have feelings for him (which I didn't want) and feel obsessed by him. We're both single and although he sometimes boasts about women and stuff (which I never do, obviously), he always seems to be nervous around me and look at me in a strange way.

We don't talk anymore, as the presence of him is too much for me to bear, so I try to avoid him as much as I can and he doesn't seem to like it. he doesn't go out with women, but tries very hard to look Very masculine and straight", but then when he wants to say something to me, he really acts in a very strange way and sometimes he doesn't even look me in the eye, which is kind of unconfortable.

I never wanted this. It just happened. Never looked for it and now I sometimes feel miserable. I don't know if he's gay, bi or straight, but sometimes I wish we could just be friends and not feel attracted at all.

I can just feel that he wants to be friends with me, he even invited me to go hiking, but although I didn't say no, I think he took it the wrong way.

You guys, who have the experience, how long will it take for this obsession to wear off? I need to be myself again.

By the way, can someone who boasts about women and men stuff be gay?

 

[SFMusic]

Yes, someone who boasts about women can be gay, although if he is still doing this stuff when he is 52, he is a pretty hardcore closet case. So, I wouldn't get too worked up about him if I were you. He might be willing to exchange a quick handjob or blowjob, but this type is probably not going to want anything beyond that.

As for your obsession, you need to look honestly at yourself and what you want. If you want love and romance, I don't think you are going to find it with him, based on what you wrote.

If you can get your feelings under control, he might make a good friend that you can open up to and talk honestly with. However, if I were you, I'd forget about anything except being friends.

 

[Lefty]

without details as to why the sudden obssession or infatuation you lead one to believe you are a ship without a rudder, a sloop without a sail. could it be you are just hungry for a relationship (not necessarily sexual) and have allowed this need to becloud your judgement/intuition?


take a big step back and evaluate your situation, determine what needs you have that he seems to fulfill and go from there. it sounds like you are both a little on the lonely side and have identified each other as a possible resolution to that inner turmoil. IMO

 

[Riverrick]

It sounds like you are both a little on the lonely side and have identified each other as a possible resolution to that inner turmoil. IMO

I, too, think you are very lonely. Do you expect to live your entire life alone without feeling loved and being able to love someone back? It will be difficult to get over this "obsession" without attending to your needs of companionship, love, and sex.

He's being discrete. I think you should give the relationship a nudge a little further and go hiking with him. You may be able to talk openly and honestly then. Good luck!

 

[spreadeagle]

You say coming out would be disastrous, but you don't make it clear which country you live in. Is it a country where imprisonment or death can result from being exposed as homosexual; where your employment would be jeopardised; or where your neighbours would simply disapprove? The level of possible negative reaction will obviously effect how you proceed with your colleague.

As you describe his behaviour there seem to me clear indications that he is gay - for gay men to emphasise their heterosexual traits is perfectly usual in a strongly homophobic society; it's camoflage.

You say he invited you to go hiking and you imply that you accepted. His invitation seems pretty compelling evidence to me - getting away from the city, into the wilds, where the two of you can be alone together with no-one watching. Did he propose an overnight hike?

You say you need to be yourself again: if the obsessive thoughts and emotions and imaginings that you're experiencing are not part of you, then where do they come from? If you continue to deny your natural desires who do you think you might be in another forty years time?

 

[likaza]

thanks for all the replies that i've received

It's been like a month since i wrote the message and it seems that a year has passed by. Many things have happened since then. This guy I talked about got like way too nervous around me (more than myself) and sometimes he couldn't even speak at my presence.

About 10 days ago I asked him to take me home in his car, as he lives in the same town as I do. You should have seen his reaction. he was like uncontrolled and didn't know what he was saying, even his voice faltered to a degree which I didn't think possible. In his car we talked about many things and I must say that I felt pretty calm, just enjoying the company of a man who is having a conversation with you. let me first say that although I asked him to take me to town, he was practically asking me for it by the way he was behaving that day and the fact that he knew I didn't bring my car and stuff. All I'm saying is that he's always the one who seeks my company and not the other way round.

Anyway, guess what, the next day we had a teachers meeting and he didn't even look at me when I said hello. In that meeting he sort of made sure that he humiliated me by being pretty nasty, not in his language, but by his way of saying things. And he started boasting about sex with women again.

I was hurt at the time, but thinking about it I think he's done me a favour. My obsession for him has lessened about 75% and although I still have involuntary thoughts about him, I don't even want to be friends with him.

the only thing tha bothers me now is to know why he behaves in such a way. Is he doing it on purpose? I haven't said anything about my being gay and my attitude has been pretty "normal" Is he afraid of his feelings? Has he sensed that I was attracted to him and this was some kind of scheme to humiliate me? Is he some kind of bi or gay homophobe? Sometimes I even think that he has mental problems

Anyway I don't really care anymore. I'm telling you I'm getting over it and don't want to hang around false and stupid people. At least I never talk about women even though I'm a closeted gay and don't want people to know about it.

 

[jockboy01]

Hard to say for sure what he is thinking. But my gut says that he is gay, but uncomfortable with it. And he tries to cover that up as much as possible... boasting of sex with women etc. And probably if he does have feelings for you (which it sounds like) he's quite ashamed of them and that's why he then treats you badly the next day. This is all hypothetical obviously as I'm not there. But that's how I see it. So sorry for you as it must be a difficult situation for you to be in.

 

[Riverrick]

From what you've said, it sounds like he is deep in the closet and could be gay or bi. I think he is afraid of his feelings and is trying to push them away by pushing you away.

At least you are honest with yourself and don't try to put on a front. It doesn't help with the loneliness but it will make you feel less crazy in your head to at least admit to yourself who you are. I'm glad you are at least feeling better about the whole situation.

 

[likaza]

hey guys

Thank you really!

You don't know how much it means to me to read your replies. It helps me a lot to cope because i can't talk to anybody about it. It's a great help.

About my loneliness. It's alright really. Now that I'm getting over it I'm beginning to resume my activities and feeling kind of relieved by everything that's happened.

last thursday this guy sort of followed me to the xerox room and started making conversation, saying something stupid which was supposed to make me laugh, like he used to. I behaved too seriously and calm and said something which he probably didn't like. I wasn't insulting him or anything, just being indiferent and left the room.

See, I can fall once or twice, but by the third time I learn, and let me say this clearly I LEARN VERY WELL. i don't mean to take some kind of revenge on him. I'm not that kind of person. i just wanna make sure he realizes that if he wanted to be friends with me or anything else, it's just too late and I think he got the message, even though I still find him very attractive

Thanks from a spanish guy!!

 

[RicanDAB]

I don't mean to be coy about your situation, but I could not help to notice that your story would be the basis for a great movie!

He sounds like what everyone has pegged him to be, a guy afraid to accept his feelings for you. I don't know if this is even a possibility now - perhaps rekindle the idea of going hiking with him again and actually go. Perhaps getting him out away from the work environment and into peaceful surroundings would open him up a bit and enable him to express less hostility to cover up his true feelings.

 

[colemanshs]

I hope everything works out for you!