I really don't know where to begin with this....how do I start to make sense of it all?
Prior to meeting him, I had two friends who came up to me, at separate times, and said, "Guess what? Met just the guy for you the other day. You would adore him." Met him. Told myself I didn't like him "in that way". Realised tonight that I adore him.
He is perhaps the nicest man I have ever met in my life. He is compassionate, funny, gentle, good-natured, spiritual. We share similar family backgrounds and cultural landmarks. We have the same ethical and religious beliefs. We share the same interests. On top of which, he is genuinely pretty. I know not all guys go for that, but I have to say that a nice pair of eyes and a smile weaken my knees. He's got it all. I can honestly say that I think my life would be significantly poorer if he was not in it, and that's not a comment I'd make about most people.
One problem. I know he's gay, everybody else knows he's gay, even his girlfriend, who turned down his proposal of marriage that popped out last time someone threatened his wall, knows he's gay and is kinda hoping that he doesn't wake up cause he's nice and cute (even if he won't sleep with her; she told me), the whole world knows he's gay - HE DOESN'T GET IT. She feels that she can't tell him anyway; he needs to work it out on his own and she figures she'll be around to help him pull it together when he does. She just really likes him and reckons they look good together and it stops her family (subcontinental Indian heritage) from harassing her about finding a guy.
I had a business meeting tonight at which he was present (we're both working on some similar community projects), and we had not seen each other since before Christmas. At this professional gathering, he sits beside me, move his chair so that the arms of our chairs and parallel and just millimetres apart. He keeps on touching my hand, actually, mauling at my skin and shirt, tells me that he missed me so much (he went north to refurbish an apartment about a fortnight ago) and asks me to go home with him so we can talk until the sun comes up...maybe I could stay overnight (btw girlfriend currently home visiting family for the holidays).
I refused; I didn't really want to talk to him. Snog him senseless into the middle of next week, yes, but talk, that's kinda hard when you're snogging. Yet I can guarantee that when I see him in a non-professional capacity in a couple of days, he will repeat his mantra, which I have now heard about fifty million times, "I can see how a man would be attracted to a relationship with you, if he were gay." He snuggles into my chest when he's hugging me. He snuggles when we've shared a bed (no, not for that reason), lying on my chest with his arm around me. Sometimes I will be sitting in a chair and he'll plonk himself down on the arm and lounge himself around me. This guy is 29 years old and a trained psychologist. But he claims he is straight. Doctor, heal thyself! SHEESH!
We've been socialising outside community stuff now for about four months. The entire time I have known him, the gaydar has been pinging and everyone around him automatically assume he is gay from the minute they meet him, even his family and girlfriend believe he is gay, but he is really, really deep in denial. It's quite scary to think how explosive that level of repression is going to be when it comes out. Hopefully, I will be able to be a friend to him when the volcano erupts, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not the right person to do that. Too great a temptation to manipulate, and that never works. Plus, when he does confront it, my presence may not actually be conducive to him establishing some clear boundaries.
Doesn't change the fact that I've been in denial for months about the fact that I do like him, hoping it would just go away. Oops, I did it again - went for the unavailable man. Kinda disappointed in myself for being such a dolt. At least now, I have the capacity to get over it.
Prior to meeting him, I had two friends who came up to me, at separate times, and said, "Guess what? Met just the guy for you the other day. You would adore him." Met him. Told myself I didn't like him "in that way". Realised tonight that I adore him.
He is perhaps the nicest man I have ever met in my life. He is compassionate, funny, gentle, good-natured, spiritual. We share similar family backgrounds and cultural landmarks. We have the same ethical and religious beliefs. We share the same interests. On top of which, he is genuinely pretty. I know not all guys go for that, but I have to say that a nice pair of eyes and a smile weaken my knees. He's got it all. I can honestly say that I think my life would be significantly poorer if he was not in it, and that's not a comment I'd make about most people.
One problem. I know he's gay, everybody else knows he's gay, even his girlfriend, who turned down his proposal of marriage that popped out last time someone threatened his wall, knows he's gay and is kinda hoping that he doesn't wake up cause he's nice and cute (even if he won't sleep with her; she told me), the whole world knows he's gay - HE DOESN'T GET IT. She feels that she can't tell him anyway; he needs to work it out on his own and she figures she'll be around to help him pull it together when he does. She just really likes him and reckons they look good together and it stops her family (subcontinental Indian heritage) from harassing her about finding a guy.
I had a business meeting tonight at which he was present (we're both working on some similar community projects), and we had not seen each other since before Christmas. At this professional gathering, he sits beside me, move his chair so that the arms of our chairs and parallel and just millimetres apart. He keeps on touching my hand, actually, mauling at my skin and shirt, tells me that he missed me so much (he went north to refurbish an apartment about a fortnight ago) and asks me to go home with him so we can talk until the sun comes up...maybe I could stay overnight (btw girlfriend currently home visiting family for the holidays).
I refused; I didn't really want to talk to him. Snog him senseless into the middle of next week, yes, but talk, that's kinda hard when you're snogging. Yet I can guarantee that when I see him in a non-professional capacity in a couple of days, he will repeat his mantra, which I have now heard about fifty million times, "I can see how a man would be attracted to a relationship with you, if he were gay." He snuggles into my chest when he's hugging me. He snuggles when we've shared a bed (no, not for that reason), lying on my chest with his arm around me. Sometimes I will be sitting in a chair and he'll plonk himself down on the arm and lounge himself around me. This guy is 29 years old and a trained psychologist. But he claims he is straight. Doctor, heal thyself! SHEESH!
We've been socialising outside community stuff now for about four months. The entire time I have known him, the gaydar has been pinging and everyone around him automatically assume he is gay from the minute they meet him, even his family and girlfriend believe he is gay, but he is really, really deep in denial. It's quite scary to think how explosive that level of repression is going to be when it comes out. Hopefully, I will be able to be a friend to him when the volcano erupts, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not the right person to do that. Too great a temptation to manipulate, and that never works. Plus, when he does confront it, my presence may not actually be conducive to him establishing some clear boundaries.
Doesn't change the fact that I've been in denial for months about the fact that I do like him, hoping it would just go away. Oops, I did it again - went for the unavailable man. Kinda disappointed in myself for being such a dolt. At least now, I have the capacity to get over it.
... luckily he finally made a move... 
