Back in October 2019, I met a guy on Grindr who has become my best friend. When we first met, it was just for a hookup, so he came over, we played some video games, messed around, and then talked for a little while before he left for the evening. After that, we started hanging out once every few weeks to do the same thing. When I met him, he was single, but he had been in an on-and-off-again relationship with a guy, and they got back together that December. It turns out, his boyfriend was a guy who I actually went on a date and had sex with back when he and I were in college in 2013. They were also in an open relationship, so after the holidays, they invited me out a couple times for drinks, and then I slept over at their place with them. All through January 2020, I’d hang out and mess around with both of them, but we weren’t really close friends.
Despite the fact that I was friends with both of them, it was obvious that their relationship had a lot of issues. The one I knew from college is an extremely cute twinky guy who is used to having guys pining over him and getting everything he wants. Because of that, he has a bit of a superiority complex and tends to use people. He was also very critical of the one who would go on to be my best friend. He would make him feel like he wasn’t good enough, he never paid for anything (my best friend even paid all of their bills when they lived together), and it was just a very unhealthy relationship.
Not surprisingly, they broke up at the end of January 2020. Around that time, the one who would go on to be my best friend and I started hanging out a lot more frequently. At first, it was the same way it always had been. We’d go out somewhere, play games, watch a movie, etc., and then we’d mess around. But over a few weeks, our hangouts started to have an increased level of intimacy. We’d stay in bed and cuddle after sex or skip sex all together and just cuddle, kiss, and talk. It got to the point where I started to fall for him, so around the end of February 2020, I finally decided I would ask him out. There was just one problem, though. The very same day I asked him out, his ex asked him back out a few hours earlier. So, that became a very awkward conversation, where I ended up being rejected (because he did get back with his ex), and we stopped talking.
Around the end of March, after the Covid-19 lockdown had started, I got a text from the one I had known from college, asking me how I was doing. We talked a little bit, but I didn’t ask at all about their relationship situation or anything, but he said he was living with family, so I realized immediately that they must’ve broken up again. We texted back and forth for a few days, and then he started talking about how he enjoyed the sex with me, liked hanging out, and wondered if I wanted a quarantine buddy. I really didn’t want to, so Covid was a really easy excuse because I just said I didn’t feel comfortable hanging out with anyone in person. He kept trying to seduce me for a couple weeks, sending me nudes on Snapchat and stuff like that, but I just never gave him what he was wanting. Eventually, he moved out of state to live with a guy he knew, and we stopped talking.
A few more months went by, out of boredom from not hanging out with anyone in person or going anywhere to do anything, I decided to download Tinder to talk to people around the end of May. I matched with my now best friend, and he sent a message asking how I’d been. We talked about how we were dealing with the pandemic, what games we’d been playing recently, family, and things like that. Then, we switched over to texting, and we talked every day for a few weeks before we decided to start doing socially distanced hangouts, which gave us a chance to really build a strong connection with each other because all we would do is sit or walk around outside and talk for hours.
By the time August 2020 came around, we were still socially distancing, but for my birthday, he decided to surprise me with takeout and a cake because we were only hanging out with each other, and he didn’t want me to be alone on my birthday. After that, we had a talk, and we decided that since we were only seeing each other, it would be okay to hang out without socially distancing. Things quickly moved forward in a way that was sexual again, but there wasn’t the same intimacy we had previously.
As our friendship grew, he offered to help me move into my new house that October, and he was always there whenever I would need him. I was the same way with him. Periodically, when he’d be drinking or something, he would text me and ask me questions like “do you think we’d make a cute couple?” or “do you ever wonder what it would be like if we were dating?” but when he was sober, he was always adamant about how he likes being single and doesn’t want a relationship with anyone. At that time, I wasn’t considering dating him at all, that’s just what he would say if the topic of relationships (me talking to other guys, etc.) came up.
Things didn’t change much with our relationship until after we both got vaccinated. Our relationship continued to grow, we kept getting to be better friends, continued to have a sexual relationship, etc. There just weren’t any noteworthy developments. After we did get fully vaccinated in April 2021, we gradually started to hang out with other friends and family, see other guys, etc., but we still talked and hung out just as much.
When my birthday came around this year in August, I went over to his condo because it’s downtown, we out to dinner with a mutual friend (purely platonic for both of us), they gave me some presents, and then we played some video games and started drinking before going to a gay club that’s walking distance from his place. While we were drinking, I noticed that he was uncharacteristically affectionate, and by the end of the night, we passed out cuddling back at his place on his couch. When we both woke up in the morning, we moved up to his bed and cuddled and kissed more, and slept in each other’s arms for a few more hours before we woke up and got brunch.
After that, our relationship has become more affectionate/intimate, we spend more time together, and it just feels radically different than it did before that. It feels much more like we’re dating than friends with benefits. We even have a 4-day trip planned to New York City just the two of us that’s coming up next weekend, friends have commented about pictures of us looking like we’re a couple, etc.
Despite the way things have been between us, we’re not exclusive, and I know he talks to and has sex with other guys. He’s open about it, so I know each time it happens, and, for the most part, that doesn’t bother me because I can separate love and sex in my mind. After thinking about things a lot for the past month, I have realized that I am in love with him, but I had been too afraid to tell him since coming to that realization because of what happened the last time I tried to ask him out and the fact that he always talks about how he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone because of how terrible they are and how much happier he is being single.
The other night, I had some friends staying over from out of town, so we had some drinks while we caught up. Since I was a little drunk, I made the mistake of drunkenly texting him. In my text, I asked him if he liked me or if I was just another guy to him. Then I said that I was sorry for everything and passed out. In the morning, I got a response from him that didn’t answer my questions but asked me what I was sorry for. So, I decided to be open with him. I told him that I really liked him but that I know he doesn’t want a relationship or anything, so I’ve not mentioned it. I then went on to explain that even though it doesn’t bother me that he messes around with other guys, I know he’s mentioned that sex with them doesn’t mean anything, so I just sometimes question if that’s how it is when he’s with me too.
He replied that he really doesn’t want to date anyone because he enjoys being single because he doesn’t have to explain himself to anyone (which I took as being due to how his ex used to be very controlling), and he’s happier now than he ever was with his ex or relationship before that. He then emphasized that doesn’t want me to think that I’m just another guy to him because he cares a lot about me, and I’m one of the most important people in his life.
I responded by trying to reassure him that I’m not his ex, and that I’ve never felt he owed me an explanation for anything nor have I expected him to do anything for me. I then explained that I’ve always tried to meet him where he is that nothing is going to change that. So, I didn’t want him to hold me responsible for the way his ex was, and I apologized for bringing it up and asked if we could just keep going on as we were. He told me not to worry because that’s what he wanted to, and we left it at that.
The problem is, though, that I’m at a loss for what to do. He’s my best friend, but I’m also in love with him. From his actions, I get the feeling that I’m not entirely alone in having these feelings. We have strong chemistry, sexual attraction to each other, and we both care a lot for each other. I just feel that his past experience with relationships has been so bad that he doesn’t even want to entertain the idea of being in one, so we’ve ended up in a kind of situationship where we are acting mostly like a couple without calling it a relationship or having the kind of commitment that comes along with that. I don’t want to push him on it because it’s not something he’s ready for, but I also don’t want to give up on the idea, so I was hoping that someone else may have experienced something similar or have any advice.
Despite the fact that I was friends with both of them, it was obvious that their relationship had a lot of issues. The one I knew from college is an extremely cute twinky guy who is used to having guys pining over him and getting everything he wants. Because of that, he has a bit of a superiority complex and tends to use people. He was also very critical of the one who would go on to be my best friend. He would make him feel like he wasn’t good enough, he never paid for anything (my best friend even paid all of their bills when they lived together), and it was just a very unhealthy relationship.
Not surprisingly, they broke up at the end of January 2020. Around that time, the one who would go on to be my best friend and I started hanging out a lot more frequently. At first, it was the same way it always had been. We’d go out somewhere, play games, watch a movie, etc., and then we’d mess around. But over a few weeks, our hangouts started to have an increased level of intimacy. We’d stay in bed and cuddle after sex or skip sex all together and just cuddle, kiss, and talk. It got to the point where I started to fall for him, so around the end of February 2020, I finally decided I would ask him out. There was just one problem, though. The very same day I asked him out, his ex asked him back out a few hours earlier. So, that became a very awkward conversation, where I ended up being rejected (because he did get back with his ex), and we stopped talking.
Around the end of March, after the Covid-19 lockdown had started, I got a text from the one I had known from college, asking me how I was doing. We talked a little bit, but I didn’t ask at all about their relationship situation or anything, but he said he was living with family, so I realized immediately that they must’ve broken up again. We texted back and forth for a few days, and then he started talking about how he enjoyed the sex with me, liked hanging out, and wondered if I wanted a quarantine buddy. I really didn’t want to, so Covid was a really easy excuse because I just said I didn’t feel comfortable hanging out with anyone in person. He kept trying to seduce me for a couple weeks, sending me nudes on Snapchat and stuff like that, but I just never gave him what he was wanting. Eventually, he moved out of state to live with a guy he knew, and we stopped talking.
A few more months went by, out of boredom from not hanging out with anyone in person or going anywhere to do anything, I decided to download Tinder to talk to people around the end of May. I matched with my now best friend, and he sent a message asking how I’d been. We talked about how we were dealing with the pandemic, what games we’d been playing recently, family, and things like that. Then, we switched over to texting, and we talked every day for a few weeks before we decided to start doing socially distanced hangouts, which gave us a chance to really build a strong connection with each other because all we would do is sit or walk around outside and talk for hours.
By the time August 2020 came around, we were still socially distancing, but for my birthday, he decided to surprise me with takeout and a cake because we were only hanging out with each other, and he didn’t want me to be alone on my birthday. After that, we had a talk, and we decided that since we were only seeing each other, it would be okay to hang out without socially distancing. Things quickly moved forward in a way that was sexual again, but there wasn’t the same intimacy we had previously.
As our friendship grew, he offered to help me move into my new house that October, and he was always there whenever I would need him. I was the same way with him. Periodically, when he’d be drinking or something, he would text me and ask me questions like “do you think we’d make a cute couple?” or “do you ever wonder what it would be like if we were dating?” but when he was sober, he was always adamant about how he likes being single and doesn’t want a relationship with anyone. At that time, I wasn’t considering dating him at all, that’s just what he would say if the topic of relationships (me talking to other guys, etc.) came up.
Things didn’t change much with our relationship until after we both got vaccinated. Our relationship continued to grow, we kept getting to be better friends, continued to have a sexual relationship, etc. There just weren’t any noteworthy developments. After we did get fully vaccinated in April 2021, we gradually started to hang out with other friends and family, see other guys, etc., but we still talked and hung out just as much.
When my birthday came around this year in August, I went over to his condo because it’s downtown, we out to dinner with a mutual friend (purely platonic for both of us), they gave me some presents, and then we played some video games and started drinking before going to a gay club that’s walking distance from his place. While we were drinking, I noticed that he was uncharacteristically affectionate, and by the end of the night, we passed out cuddling back at his place on his couch. When we both woke up in the morning, we moved up to his bed and cuddled and kissed more, and slept in each other’s arms for a few more hours before we woke up and got brunch.
After that, our relationship has become more affectionate/intimate, we spend more time together, and it just feels radically different than it did before that. It feels much more like we’re dating than friends with benefits. We even have a 4-day trip planned to New York City just the two of us that’s coming up next weekend, friends have commented about pictures of us looking like we’re a couple, etc.
Despite the way things have been between us, we’re not exclusive, and I know he talks to and has sex with other guys. He’s open about it, so I know each time it happens, and, for the most part, that doesn’t bother me because I can separate love and sex in my mind. After thinking about things a lot for the past month, I have realized that I am in love with him, but I had been too afraid to tell him since coming to that realization because of what happened the last time I tried to ask him out and the fact that he always talks about how he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone because of how terrible they are and how much happier he is being single.
The other night, I had some friends staying over from out of town, so we had some drinks while we caught up. Since I was a little drunk, I made the mistake of drunkenly texting him. In my text, I asked him if he liked me or if I was just another guy to him. Then I said that I was sorry for everything and passed out. In the morning, I got a response from him that didn’t answer my questions but asked me what I was sorry for. So, I decided to be open with him. I told him that I really liked him but that I know he doesn’t want a relationship or anything, so I’ve not mentioned it. I then went on to explain that even though it doesn’t bother me that he messes around with other guys, I know he’s mentioned that sex with them doesn’t mean anything, so I just sometimes question if that’s how it is when he’s with me too.
He replied that he really doesn’t want to date anyone because he enjoys being single because he doesn’t have to explain himself to anyone (which I took as being due to how his ex used to be very controlling), and he’s happier now than he ever was with his ex or relationship before that. He then emphasized that doesn’t want me to think that I’m just another guy to him because he cares a lot about me, and I’m one of the most important people in his life.
I responded by trying to reassure him that I’m not his ex, and that I’ve never felt he owed me an explanation for anything nor have I expected him to do anything for me. I then explained that I’ve always tried to meet him where he is that nothing is going to change that. So, I didn’t want him to hold me responsible for the way his ex was, and I apologized for bringing it up and asked if we could just keep going on as we were. He told me not to worry because that’s what he wanted to, and we left it at that.
The problem is, though, that I’m at a loss for what to do. He’s my best friend, but I’m also in love with him. From his actions, I get the feeling that I’m not entirely alone in having these feelings. We have strong chemistry, sexual attraction to each other, and we both care a lot for each other. I just feel that his past experience with relationships has been so bad that he doesn’t even want to entertain the idea of being in one, so we’ve ended up in a kind of situationship where we are acting mostly like a couple without calling it a relationship or having the kind of commitment that comes along with that. I don’t want to push him on it because it’s not something he’s ready for, but I also don’t want to give up on the idea, so I was hoping that someone else may have experienced something similar or have any advice.
