I'm just feeling crushed (long)...

[shygay19]

I've been seeing this friend from school on and off (19 years old, went to school together). And all the times (like only 6 times last year because he has been in the army) I've had the feeling that we have been flirting with each other.

I've told him I like him, using those words. I've been gentle. I told him that he could stay at my place exactly how long he wanted to.

I have some difficulties expressing emotions so I've tried to say how I feel for him through MSN (chatting). I've told him he is good looking, I've told him I like him and he said that he likes me. I sent him this SMS 3 months ago:

"Hi, how you're doing? Hope you got the hint, I'm bi so I thought hey I might just take a shot "

Then I asked him if he got the message and he said yes - he also told me he was drunk. I asked him if he was sober enought to understand what I was really saying and he said "yes,absolutely, it feels kind of strange but I like you to. I do."

And of course, I was just jumping around just so happy!
We met one time later but the "date" sort of got destroyed. I was nervous and told him that it was because of this depression I'm having. He was very kind I got the impression that he was comforting me not as friend, but as a boyfriend, or even a lover. I honestly thought that he was feeling like me and really just wanted to get naked together.

Now... I met him this weekend. I was sort of flirting with him and constantly looking at him and asking questions about him and so forth. I even suggested that we would go to my appartment.... We sat in the park later and I asked.
"Do you still like me?"
"Yeah."
"I like you", I said and smiled
He was blushing all the time and I got this weird feeling that somethin' was not right. A little later I asked him:


- I just have to ask you, did you know I liked guys when we were in school?
- You like guys? You've never told me that!
- I've told you I like you. What more can I say?...
- Okay, you know that's no problem but I'm straight so you'll have to go looking for someone at some place else.


...I just got this sensationally detached feeling like if reality was just melting away before me eyes. I couldn't believe it. I could not believe that he had failed to understand that I was not seeking friendship but more??? I knew that he wanted to be kind becuase I'm a bit lonely and have this depression thing but how can he miss this??? He is not stupid.

It's feels like he's been playing with my emotions (maybe involuntarily) for months. I've been sitting very close to him watching movies, I've sent an SMS that "I've been think 'bout you". And he responded through chat "thanks. that was warming. it was so cold out in the woods (army...)" I tried to confront him through chat and he said that he had had the feeling that I was gay/bi for some time and that he didn't want to confront me about it. About the SMS, he said he didn't remember that!!

WTF should I do with all this? I thought I struggled and won a battle but was it lost before I even started?

 

[Andreus]

its hard but best to hear from the begginning

you need to find someone thats on the same level of sexual openness and understanding as you are

unrequited love is one of the most painfull things you can experience

be kind to your heart and accept that this may not be the one for you and move on

no is a complete sentence

it is all he needed to say for you to see that you need to move on

just remember that you are at an extremely emotionally resillient phase of life and dont let it take you down. join a gay social club at a local university and meet people that are a little more evolved and in sync with you

good luck!

 

[chobbs]

aww! man, i'm so sorry to hear that. but the only thing you can do is keep your head up and love the world for what it is.

there is someone out there for you! in a matter of time, this will be a thing of the past.

 

[rareboy]

Forget him and move on.

 

[Grey_Sky]

Wow, that was tough... hearing that after so many positive hints must be pretty destructive.

The "forget about him" advice seems to be the most appropriate, but I know (oh yes, I know...) how hard can it be.

There's not much we can do to help you, but hope you get your act together, recover and move on quickly!

 

[shygay19]

I have these feelings that he is gay and he is not honest to himself. Is it wishful thinking?

 

[chobbs]

Shygay, you would know better than any of us if he could in fact be attracted to men. However, you cannot force someone to come to terms with that, and it is entirely up to him.

 

[stormofswords921]

i agree with the above advice...with one additional comment. he's in the army which has a distinct "don't ask, don't tell" policy. if ANYBODY has to stay in the closet it's a dude in the army. I don't necessarily blame him for pushing his desires down as deep as he can possible put them. He's ok with your sexuality and he's ok that you have feelings for him. sounds like a great friend to me. be lucky he is supportive and shine your love light somewhere else. it's for the best.

 

[shygay19]

I try to filter out negative thoughts but I don't know if I can do it. This was the first time in my life I felt love and the first time I felt connected to anyone whatsoever. It is just so cruel that my mind can't even seem to feel the pain.

I think this has been psychologically traumatic for me, is that weird? It feels like something that will pop up when I'm 25 and make me cry for a month after having been emotionally numb for years. That is my feeling.

 

[stormofswords921]

yes love can be psychologically traumatic, but it can also be the best thing ever. period. it feels really painful right now, but that pain will lessen with time. and when you are 25 u might just look back on this and say "what was I thinking?" or maybe have a little twing in your heart, but it certainly won't make you cry for a month. shit ur only 19, u might not even remember this guy when ur 25. also, he can teach you important lessons that you can carry with to to the next guy you fall in love for. keep posting on here and read other threads that have similar stories and advice. they will help you. stay strong! you can do it. if u ever need to talk send me an e-mail
stormofswords921@gmail.com

or seek out others on the forums.

 

[chobbs]

the world is good man, and while it can bring you down sometime, you are so lucky to be alive and have so much to look forward too.

keep your head up

 

[shygay19]

yes love can be psychologically traumatic, but it can also be the best thing ever. period. it feels really painful right now, but that pain will lessen with time. and when you are 25 u might just look back on this and say "what was I thinking?" or maybe have a little twing in your heart, but it certainly won't make you cry for a month. shit ur only 19, u might not even remember this guy when ur 25. also, he can teach you important lessons that you can carry with to to the next guy you fall in love for. keep posting on here and read other threads that have similar stories and advice. they will help you. stay strong! you can do it. if u ever need to talk send me an e-mail
stormofswords921@gmail.com

or seek out others on the forums.

I'm sorry but you don't understand the way I am. I've never been to a date before, I've never held hands, actually I've never touched anyone in a sensual way and I've never "locked eyes" with anyone in my life. It was big for me.

And you are not right that it feels painful right now. Quite quickly I became numb and now I am just death breathing. I am feeling nothing and I don't see myself in the mirror, I don't recognize the picture any more. Dont want any of it.

 

[Andreus]

just take a breath and know that we have all been through similar things and we all got through them

wisdom is earned

you just earned a little

now you know to be carefull and hesitant when giving your heart away

just breathe and cry a little

you have our support and that may not seem like alot.... but..... it really is

 

[Grey_Sky]

I'm sorry but you don't understand the way I am. I've never been to a date before, I've never held hands, actually I've never touched anyone in a sensual way and I've never "locked eyes" with anyone in my life. It was big for me.

And you are not right that it feels painful right now. Quite quickly I became numb and now I am just death breathing. I am feeling nothing and I don't see myself in the mirror, I don't recognize the picture any more. Dont want any of it.

I've felt like that before and I understand what you mean. Numb... It can be even worse than feeling bad. You wish you could feel something because that would mean you're still alive and healing little by little, but instead you can't feel a thing...

I've never been through the same as you described but untill a month ago I had never had a relationship with anyone as well, and I can immagine how it must be to be so close to it, and then have to face this terrible reality and see your dream devastated...

Your numbness might be a way your mind found to protect you from the suffering... give it some time and try to get in touch with your feelings, try to bring them to surface, try to cry!! A LOT!

Once you get that you'll be feeling like garbage, but at least you'll know the healing process has begun!

And please, don't give up on love... this was just one bad experience that will help you grow, but don't let it harden you too much.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Shygay19,

Mate... to you this love was real... and that is all that matters.

It was a love that you clung too, hoped for, imagined and desired with all your heart. You had given your heart, opened your soul and let down your walls. You were committed and planing a future. You had found your mate and life was falling into place. You grew together in years and you had an affection for him that was deep and real. He was your first real love.

Shaygay19... its ok to be hurting, its ok to feel lost and numb. Its ok to feel weak and empty... thats the power that love has over us. It can reduce us to our knees and make us feel like theres just no answers when things go wrong. It has the power to steal our minds as well as our hearts.

For you this was as real and as damaging as the end of a marriage. Its a loss you are allowed to grieve over... its ok, its allowed, its expected.

In time you'll start to feel better, the wounds wont be so deep or raw. It will take a little while, hours will turn into days, days into weeks, weeks into months.

For now though... find the good in this... and yes believe it or not there is some. You don't need to forget or to try and stop the hurting just yet, but you need to understand that there is always a good and a bad.

Your pain and your hurt show just what an amazing guy you are. You are someone who can give his all, give his heart and his soul. You can open up, you can risk, you can love. There are guys who go through life not knowing what it is to love because they are too scared to try. They don't know the joy that love can bring and how it can open your soul.

You are passionate and caring, you are devoted and trusting. And you are strong enough to admit you are weak. You're courageous enough to say that you are lost and need help... you're articulate enough to show us just how much you have loved and lost.

Its hard right now Shygay, but those are the traits of a man who's soul and personality and great and deserving. They are the traits that we see and long to have in our own lives and partners. They are traits that you should feel proud of... traits that others admire and respect.

Life can be full of shallow and cynical people mate... but your are not one of them. You are the opposite, like night and day. You give and you love, you laugh and you cry, you respect and you commit.

Take a day at a time... don't be afraid to grieve, don't be afraid to learn and to want more. Life has a way of teaching us how to survive it and to milk the juice from it. Sometimes we stumble as we learn to walk... but we also learn the happiness in taking those steps.

Dont stop loving with all your heart, giving with all your might... you're happiness is not gone... just delayed. In time you will find that happiness you deserve...but for now cry a little...and smile a little. Remember that you're worth that happiness and that you posses traits and abilities that make you the incredible guy that you are.

A guy who's destined to be loved and cherished by someone the way that you do.

 

[shygay19]

It's piling up. Depression + apathy + depersonalization + identity loss + solitude + broken heart.

I'm not looking in the mirror anymore. I'm nothing now. I'm just an animal now and I'm horny from the anticipation. I am talking to these cold hearted men online who want to meet me and just brutally fuck me. On their terms. Your post was amazing tallguy. Any normal person or close to it would be touched but nothing moved inside of me. I can't cry anymore. I'm just trash and I am thinking about letting men treat me like that. I'll rather be treated like shit than not at all.