I'm losing my best friend... :( Help!

[Hot Hector]

Dear guys,

This person is my best friend since school (we were both 11 y/o), even before we told each other we were gay. We never had a sexual experience, it was really a friendship in its most pure form - told each other everything, played games, went to each others houses, etc.

However things started to change after we entered college. He went out of the closet and I did not; we had a few fights due to me nearly always rejecting his invitations to go to gay clubs and other places, I think he got sick of me. My mother has always been agressive towards my gay friends too, I think she does that on purpose to drive them away and it might have added up to harden his feelings towards me.

I admitedly had it rough the last 3 years in my life - can't cope with my sexuality towards others - although I'm sure I'm gay and fine with it, I just repeatedly fail at living my life as it. So it is understandable he walked away from me. However I am willing to recover our friendship, start living my life again. I'm back to the gym, I'm looking for interesting guys, all in all I'm seeing life in a more beautiful way now, more willing to accept myself although still reluctant to 'go out of the closet'.

I still talk to him at phone, some e-mails, but everything feels superficial and I feel out of his life.

Should I try to get closer again, or just move on? If yes, how do you people suggest me to regain his trust? I want to be honest with him but I doubt he'll give my word much credit now, so please help.

 

[Atreyul]

wow, nice advice........

 

[sibersan]

damn that sux, for the past few years, some friends and i that i've known for years, have grown apart, but i still got friends that stick by me no matter what. If you decide to be in the closet, that's your choice, and only your choice. But you can still go out to gay clubs and hang out with your friend. Hell, each time i go to a gay club, with st8 friends (male and females) more then my one gay friend, lol

 

[confusedboy23]

I am sorry that you are 'losing' your best friend. I am the kinda person who will do anything and everything for my best friend without even thinking twice.

Best friends are meant to stick by you through your ups and downs. I'm sorry if I sound judgmental but it doesn't look he is supporting you in your time of need. You are just coming to terms with your sexuality and if he is in any way more mature, he should be your mentor and not drive you away.

Best friends can betray or hurt you too. Sometimes you forgive them, but if it happens too many times, you think twice about that friendship. Is it worth salvaging? Only you can answer that question.

Personally, I have just cut off my best (guy) friend - nothing sexual by the way. I have forgiven him too many times but he has never learned his lesson. It hurts but I knew that it was the right thing to do. We've been friends for a long time (spent more time together as friends than we do with our other half), but I feel a lot better now without him in my life. Thank goodness I still have 2 of my "best-est (girl) friends" around me.

Whist my experience had nothing to do with my sexuality and by the way, I am not out to anyone at all - you need to ask yourself is he a friend that you want and need!

Peace!

 

[texan_slant]

Unfortunately, friends (even best friends) come and go - not to the fault of either one, but as a fault of circumstance. Life changes, needs change, and circumstances change - and what was perceived as a really good friensdhip begins to drift.

If the friendship seems more forced (than intuitive), or if it starts to seem like you're having to "work at it", I wouldn't necessarily assume that it could ever be the way it was - nor would I necessarily try to force it either. There are the friends who stick with you through the good and the bad, and over time, you might end up re-connecting - or not. Only time will tell.

 

[954dude]

You're not losing your best friend, this is just how it goes sometimes. With time, we can stay friends or outgrow each other. Give it some time and try to have better communication. Nothing will be the same, but it can always be better.

 

[KaraBulut]

Since Lex hasn't been around to say it:

Talk to him.

Not us.

Him.

 

[G-Lexington]

Thanks for covering for me.

Lex

 

[p700granat]

Try your best to keep him. Best friend, at least for my definition, is hard to come by. It usually takes compatible interests and personality, and years of being together. I told each one of them (there are five for me) that I'll always be there whenever they need me, and they are the people I can trust and depend on. Thus losing one is a great loss in life. You are lucky to have a best friend who's also gay and out to each other. That's rare and you really shouldn't lose him.
As others here said, talk to him. Make sure he knows how much you value the friendship, and the fact that your different stages of coming-out is temporary and should not affect your friendship. If he still don't understand, just keep in touch and wait until does. He will if he's truly your best friend.

 

[rareboy]

Should I try to get closer again, or just move on? If yes, how do you people suggest me to regain his trust? I want to be honest with him but I doubt he'll give my word much credit now, so please help.

Once you betray a friend, you will never get them fully back.

I'm pleased to read that you are trying to sort your life out and working your way out of the closet, but your friend obviously sees your load as too heavy to help shoulder.

Maybe when you're feeling emotionally strong and secure enough to finally come out, he'll be there for you again.

Otherwise, hopefully you've learned how precious and fragile friendships actually can be and why you should never take them for granted.

 

[Hot Hector]

Once you betray a friend, you will never get them fully back.

I'm pleased to read that you are trying to sort your life out and working your way out of the closet, but your friend obviously sees your load as too heavy to help shoulder.

Maybe when you're feeling emotionally strong and secure enough to finally come out, he'll be there for you again.

Otherwise, hopefully you've learned how precious and fragile friendships actually can be and why you should never take them for granted.

Thanks guys, I got the "talk to him, not us" part. I'll do that today, just wanted some advice as I am a bit insecure person. I agree that friends are rare and hard to come by so I want to try and recover it.

rareboy, those are some wonderful words and I learnt from them, thankyou. Although I never betrayed him, I could have done better to keep him around; maybe I'm using my sexuality as an excuse far too much - while it is definitely true that it cripples me, I must stop hiding behind it.

Thanks for your honest opinions - I will talk to him and post here again.

 

[Lube]

Well, talking to him is good, but it sounds like you already know what the problem is.

Why aren't you out of the closet? You say you're OK with you sexuality, but being closeted suggests you aren't.

 

[ejbonk]

However things started to change after we entered college. He went out of the closet and I did not; we had a few fights due to me nearly always rejecting his invitations to go to gay clubs and other places, I think he got sick of me. My mother has always been agressive towards my gay friends too, I think she does that on purpose to drive them away and it might have added up to harden his feelings towards me.


Ok,What is wrong with going to Gay bars and Night Clubs? Even,When I was in the closet I when out to party with the Boys.

And,What is your Mother's Hangup with Gay Guys?

I bet She is the reason Your still in the Closet.

I ....can't cope with my sexuality towards others - although I'm sure I'm gay and fine with it, .......... I'm back to the gym, I'm looking for interesting guys, all in all I'm seeing life in a more beautiful way now, more willing to accept myself although still reluctant to 'go out of the closet'.

I still talk to him at phone, some e-mails, but everything feels superficial and I feel out of his life.

That's understandable,because you 2 do not hang out with each other anymore.He's made new friends with new inside jokes,Etc,Etc...
And I bet old Mom has something to do with it. Was She a beast towards him after he came out? And would your reaction to you Mother's Anti-Socal behavior have something more to do with it?

Should I try to get closer again, or just move on? If yes, how do you people suggest me to regain his trust?

Go Out Clubing with Him.Start to live your life as a gay man and not a hermit.

I want to be honest with him but I doubt he'll give my word much credit now,......... Then least give it a try. You will never know,unless you try.

Good Luck With this.

 

[racer2438]

As we grow in life, there are alot of changes that grow with it. Some good and some bad it's how you adjust to them thats going to help you get through them. Friends come and go in life it's just a fact. But the ones that stick with you no matter what is what is a true friend.

You should have a talk with him and let him know how you feel. Dont give up. You will need to come to terms with your mom at some point. Once this happens most other things will fall in place. Go to some gay groups in school for support and get out and enjoy life.

Life is to short and goes by to fast.

Get support for the issue's you have to work through and then go to next one. One step at a time and one day at a time.

But let your friends know who you are and the ones that stay with you are the ones to grow with. You will know which ones drop you off the edge of the earth as they will back off real fast. They were never your friends. Your time on this earth is on a clock it's what you do with it thats going to matter.

Be who you are and you will be happy.

Be forced to be what your not, and you will be unhappy for a lot time.


Good luck

 

[KaraBulut]

Since Lex hasn't been around to say it:

Talk to him.

Not us.

Him.

i wish i could copy and paste this advice on 75% of the questions on this site

Amen........