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I'm not sure what to do...

looseliam

looseliam

aww I wanted to explode
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Oy, what to do.

It's clear, to me, you've already fallen. What to do now?

I'm inclined to think this will keep eating at you. So, the way I see it, you've three options:

1) Break contact with him. Stop seeing him. Move on.

2) Come out to him. Keep spending time together. Start a little bit of flirting. See where it goes.

3) Go for broke: confess your feelings and see what happens.

No matter what you choose, I wish the best!
 
There's a quote I received on a card at a Bat Mitzvah I attended when I was 13. I still have the card. It reads the following:

"As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do."
-Zachary Scott

It took me many years to realise it's meaning. Now it drives most of what I do.

What would I do in both of your shoes? I'd start shamelessly flirting. And if asked "dude are you gay" I'd reply "Umm, yeah. You didn't know" and see what happens. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
 
This is a crush. It just has a big obsession component that goes along with it.

The problem here is that you're going to have to make a choice. That choice will probably end your friendship.

If you tell him you're bi or you tell him that you're attracted to him, the law of probability says that he's either not gay/bi or he will not be interested in anything physical with you. At the very least, this will cause a lot of tension between you or in the worst case, it will end your friendship.

So, let's follow the other alternate ending. Let's say this guy is secretly harboring an attraction to you and the minute you reveal your secret, you both rip each other's clothes off and go through an entire bottle of lube repeatedly and endlessly fucking each other's brains out. Then what? Most dating scenarios don't end in a permanent relationship. So, again you risk losing a friend.

You can't control what you feel. But you can control your actions. If you feel that you cannot control your actions, it may be better for you to put some time and distance between you and your friend- at least until you get control again.
 
You need to focus your attention on someone who is available--I use to have terrible crushes on straight friends, which helped to keep me in the closet.
 
I'm not into advice; I can only testify as to what my experience has been. I suspect I have always been as horny as most guys, but I was shy about a lot of things and that kept me from aggressively seeking sexual satisfaction. I had the good fortune of becoming friends with the new guy in town and thanks to the zone of privacy which was possible at his place we were about as uninhibited about nudity in each other's presence and our bodily contact became more frequent--and carried their own messages. We bonded in close friendship and when that friendship needed the confirmation of sexual contact it came about naturally and seemed so right. We were lovers in every sense of the word for the last two years of high school. That ended our sexual relationship but, after many years he remains my dearest male friend; I loved him then and I love him still. What we had in our two year relationship was and remains very important to us, but it did not prevent us from being successful partners with women also. Friendships are life's best gifts to us. Only some of them become sexual. That's alright too, but when one has made a friend and if that friend is open to a deeper relationship of sex my experience is that it will happen without one partner having to seduce the other.
 
Wow, I pretty much relate to this one, except I don't think I fell in love over just a semester, but a few years.

Well, long (too long... jeez) story short. I ended up confessing to him some time after coming out to him (and knowing him for several years), and he broke my heart. Up-front, no bars held. But you know what? It was a crushing defeat, but I think such a liberation from my own damaging cycle. And guess what. I got over it. Sure there are scars, but there is also some learned wisdom.

My advice to you?
Don't let it last too long that you are obsessed with someone you don't know you'll ever have or not. Learn now if anything has the chance of happening, and act appropriately when you get your answer. Don't let yourself fall in too deep, unless you know for certain something can come from it. Otherwise, you are just hurting yourself, and that's stupid right? You might as well just start punching yourself in the face, but it wouldn't hurt as much as that pain you could cause yourself.
 
You are obviously crushing on this guy.

I dunno, but it seems like lots of gay guys are best friends with ex-lovers. More so than straight people, it seems to me.

In any case, I seriously doubt no one knows you're gay, er... bi. Lots of people probably suspect.

But I say go for it. I can't imagine holding this inside forever and staying friends.
 
I feel for you, hotstuff, because I've been there too and I know exactly what you're feeling. The pain and angst is almost indescribable.

As trite as it sounds, about the only thing that cures it is time and distance. I'm glad to hear you're handling it relatively well and are feeling more confident about your handle on it. You'll get past this and I hope he at least ends up being a good friend.

Good luck to you. There are many of us on this forum who know exactly what you're dealing with. You aren't alone.

Welcome, too, to posting! Keep in touch with us and let us know how you're doing.

(*8*)
 
Hotstuff, I think you would be the dream come true for another gay guy and I am sorry that you are going through this. I think that most all of us have had these problems at some time and the vast majority of them have ended in pain and hurt. I believe your best option is to slowly come out to him but do not let him know your feelings for him. If he is straight and you admit to having feelings for him, it could be the end of your friendship. If he is gay/bi, coming out to him could lead to a relationship. You will feel liberated if you come out. If you don't, these problems are going to continue to haunt you. If you are not ready to come out, that is OK. You will just have to treat him as a friend.
 
I want to be the one walking next to him.
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I know I'm not going to confess my feelings to him - probably ever.
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Well then you ain't never gonna be walkin' next to him. :-(

'Fess up. The sooner the better. Stop beating around the bush. He knows already that you're gay. He's waiting for you to make the next move. He's more unsure than you are. So it'll be awkward at first. But it sounds like he really does want to explore more, unless he's so hungup on his homosexuality. But I don't think so.
But it's literally tearing me up inside.
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Just an aside: if it was literally tearing you up in side, you'd be dead. :) I think you meant 'figuratively' or 'practically'. :)
 
Growing up in a religious environment, I deluded myself for a long time too. You "envision" yourself with a wife and kids, house, picket fence, so that it's the goal. This guy may be doing the same things with the footprints.

You guys have so much shit going on, it's going to be tough. I am sure he has his suspicions about you too. Being at a Christian university and having all of the religious baggage compounds your problem.

I think you should slowly start revealing yourself to him. Can you talk about sex or have a chance to let him see you naked? Can you spend the night together in those small dorm beds? Start just slowing dropping some hints and giving him a way to reveal himself to you.

Good luck
 
if you are addicted to porn, then throw your computer in the bath tub with bubbles of apple flavor.
 
Wow, this kinda sounds like me, except I'm not really friends with the straight guy I'm crushing on. I'm trying to get over it because he is like really straight (he's a white boy that acts all "gangsta" with his little 90's model honda civic with bass in his car you can hear a mile away).

I'm taking a semester off from school because I'm really burnt out on it, not because of him. I moved out of my dorm room yesterday and saw him for probably the last time, I was a little sad but I'll get over it.

I've read everything you've written and I don't really know what to say because I'm new at the coming out thing. For now I would just keep the friendship and try the slowly revealing yourself. I hope you find happiness, you and I both need it right now.
 
I think you should just tell him how you feel. From personal experience, it is not good to keep it inside and always wonder "what if".

You can just start off with telling him you are bi. If he is truly your friend then he should be fine with it.
 
Forget about the labels...gay bi or str8...they really don't matter in the long run anyway.

I guess I would let him know...how much you really love him as a person...how close and connected you feel to him..leave it open ended as far as what you mean..and see what his reaction is...

loving someone doesn't mean your gay bi or str8...start st expressing love for who he is...and how much you like being with him...tell him..he's your best friend ever

If he isn't interested, he will try to put some space between you..if he doesn't put space between you..then he probably feels the same.

But you need to go slow with the idea of you being...gay or bi lovers...instead..just be lovers of each other.."uber friends"...maybe with benefits down the road...

Sorry I'm not explaining it well, but have been in your place before and more often than not, I regret that I did not express my feelings..
 
hotstuff2001me said:
I might be able to go to Panera or something like that every now and again, btu I'm not sure if they block porn sites or not.
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Yes, they do block JUB. I even suggested they allow just the Coming Out forums, but they turned my request down.
 
Hi, hotstuff,
Congratulations on your dream night. I can imagine how exciting / frustrating your friendship with each other can be for you, but things certainly seem to be going well, so I wish you continued good luck with that! And given the fact that you're both attending a small Christian university tends to add to the complications, I'm guessing! Anyway, the way you're handling the situation seems to be working, so by all means, keep doing it. Just be careful that you don't start obsessing about him too much (if that isn't already the case! Haha). Your decision to back off and let him call the shots more was definitely a good one.
Also, the fact that he's starting to make comments like "should we make out now" shows that he too is aware of the possible "gayness" of your relationship. He gets points for not freaking out by now. LOL. By the way, just an aside, but what do "Jizz in my pants" and "Dick in a box" mean?! :-) Also, what was the movie you saw? Just curious.
You know your friend best, so you know how fast or slow to take it. Personally speaking, I'd take it more slow than fast, but as I said, you know what's best. I'm definitely enjoying your updates so keep up the good work, both in the updating and in letting your relationship develop. Having been raised Christian myself, I'm interested in your research regarding homosexuality as well. Maybe we can discuss that privately if you're interested in sharing what you find. For now, have fun, all the best, and definitely keep us posted! :-)
 
Dick in a box and Jizz in my pants are short movies shown on the American comedy show "Saturday Night Live".

You can view them here:

Jizz in my Pants

Dick in a Box
 
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