I'm not sure what to do

[TheSculpter101]

Recently I posted a thread about how me and my boyfriend went on a "relationship break." Well me and him are back together now, but I'm still uneasy and scared about some things.

Today after school, he doesn't like to text during school, I texted my boyfriend and it was alright. He told me he was going to hang out with some friends that I've never heard of before, and then he up and disappears for about six hours now. This is not the first time this has happened and it makes me worry a lot about what happened to him or what he is doing. I understand he could be busy but it doesn't take long to text.. "Hey I'm busy, I'll text you later." I mean is that so much to ask for? And if I ask him about it I can guarantee that he would get mad at me and accuse me of being to clingy. It's not that I'm clingy, it's that I worry that my love disappears for hours on end randomly. Do you guys think I have a right to be worried? Or am I just overacting. /:

 

[altlover85]

Recently I posted a thread about how me and my boyfriend went on a "relationship break." Well me and him are back together now, but I'm still uneasy and scared about some things.

Today after school, he doesn't like to text during school, I texted my boyfriend and it was alright. He told me he was going to hang out with some friends that I've never heard of before, and then he up and disappears for about six hours now. This is not the first time this has happened and it makes me worry a lot about what happened to him or what he is doing. I understand he could be busy but it doesn't take long to text.. "Hey I'm busy, I'll text you later." I mean is that so much to ask for? And if I ask him about it I can guarantee that he would get mad at me and accuse me of being to clingy. It's not that I'm clingy, it's that I worry that my love disappears for hours on end randomly. Do you guys think I have a right to be worried? Or am I just overacting. /:

First off, I think you should put a link to your old thread in this thread, just for anyone who wants to read it.

Secondly, yes, I would feel uncomfortable over that, but I would get over it because I trust my boyfriend. Clearly the trust is damaged.

Did you talk to him about what a break means to him?

I hope things get better for you.

 

[TheSculpter101]

How can I get over it when it happens over and over again. /: And no I didn't, he was in a bad mood so I didn't want to piss him off more.

 

[Scottyboi]

whether it pisses him off or not sculpter, you need to have this out with him

 

[TheSculpter101]

I would if he would talk to me. I've tried to text him and I've stayed up waiting for him to text me back for seven hours now.

 

[altlover85]

How can I get over it when it happens over and over again. /: And no I didn't, he was in a bad mood so I didn't want to piss him off more.

What I mean is, if I couldn't get in touch with my boyfriend I'd be okay because I trust my boyfriend.

You on the other hand clearly don't trust your boyfriend, so I can understand why you were bothered by what happened.

How many times has he done this to you? Did he do this before you took the break?

 

[TheSculpter101]

It happens all the time. Like every other day almost. It didn't bother me at first, but now that it happens all the time it make me worried. /:

 

[altlover85]

It happens all the time. Like every other day almost. It didn't bother me at first, but now that it happens all the time it make me worried. /:

It's happened every other day for the whole length of your relationship?

 

[TheSculpter101]

Well not in the beginning of our relationship. This has been happening for about a month and a half now.

 

[altlover85]

Well not in the beginning of our relationship. This has been happening for about a month and a half now.

So you don't trust him and you can't talk to him. What are the positive aspects of the relationship?

 

[saymyname]

Seriously, CUT YOUR LOSSES! Break even. He is obviously at this point where he is treating you like a doormat, taking you for granted... you're his BITCH. Stand up for yourself, put your foot down, etc. My ex did this t me all the time. Wouldn't text me when he was with friends. Problem was, that was like EVERY NIGHT. Fuck that shit. Any guy worth having will gladly include you in his life and not act like you are some kind of chore. Dump his ass. Chances are he'll either: not care (in which case he doesn't care if he's with you or not, so it'll reveal why he was treating you like that) or be hurt and beg for you back and promise to change.

 

[Croynan]

what if you just text him and say you are going on a break and you and you will text him when and if you have free time.

just not respond to any text messages he sends. you control the situation and that's how it is going be.

he is being controling and manipulative to say nothing about how he is effecting and dealing with your fellings.

there is no reason why you should be placed in the situation he has in. waiting for seven hours to hear from him - b/s.

talk about someone being insensitive. just go your own way. you have more then met him half way in your relationship - such as it is. as painful as it may be, it's time you thought about you and your feelings - as he certainly is not doing so towards you.

please keep us posted and take care of yourself.

eM.

 

[Seasoned]

The trap you are in is that you are needier than he. Even if he is doing nothing wrong the fact that you are worried that he is cheating is reason enough to end the relationship. It's making you crazy. No matter who is at fault it is not healthy for you to be pacing the floor, wringing your hands, and staying awake, waiting. He is not doing those things to you. You are doing them to yourself. You are over attached and he is under attached. I'm not putting you down. Many years ago I was in the same spot.

Take some time for yourself once you end the relationship to learn about co-dependency and ways to heal from it.

Don't just trade him for someone else. In all likelihood, without some self help, you'll find yourself in the same spot. Feel free to pm me. Take care of yourself with some pampering. Until you break up with him practice saying no to him and NEVER change plans because he's suddenly available. He hasn't earned the hardship it causes you to tell friends and family he's more important than they. Wishing you many less frantic days and nights.

 

[onetwothreefour]

I want to try to understand. From what I can gather from your 2 threads, you and your boyfriend were on a 1 week break at your boyfriend's choosing. According to what he said, he wanted to be on a break because he knew that it would hurt you to not be available 24/7 so it was better to go on a break altogether rather be only somewhat available. However, it seems like you all talked during that time somewhat. Now you have a situation where you say that your boyfriend will disappear for up to 6 hours without texting you, and you worry that something could have happened to him during that time. You said that you cannot tell him you are upset because he will call you clingy. But you maintain you are not clingy.

But piecing together what you have told us he has told you and what you are worried he would tell you, both involve you communicating with him more than he wants you to.

When he had the divorce and move he was dealing with, for a week, was when he said he wanted a break. Did he mean a break from the relationship or from your texts? Is it possible he is telling you to cool things down in terms of your interest and communication?

I am not sure at all. I wanted to ask one question, and I don't know how to ask this without sounding offensive, because I don't mean it the way it sounds, but how old are you and your boyfriend? I was curious because you mention being in school during the daytime and that he is moving (possibly as a result of his parents' divorce?).

 

[NineOfClubs]

What Croynan said....

 

[onetwothreefour]

what if you just text him and say you are going on a break and you and you will text him when and if you have free time.

just not respond to any text messages he sends. you control the situation and that's how it is going be.

he is being controling and manipulative to say nothing about how he is effecting and dealing with your fellings.

there is no reason why you should be placed in the situation he has in. waiting for seven hours to hear from him - b/s.

talk about someone being insensitive. just go your own way. you have more then met him half way in your relationship - such as it is. as painful as it may be, it's time you thought about you and your feelings - as he certainly is not doing so towards you.

please keep us posted and take care of yourself.

eM.

I'm not sure that you're reading the situation correctly; although, it is a bit hard to read.

It sounds like his boyfriend would not be terribly disappointed if Sculptor texted him less. And it sounds like the last thing that is going to happen is Sculptor leaving his boyfriend. He can hardly bare being out of contact for six hours. For him to try to punish his boyfriend by not talking to him would only be punishing himself.

I also think I am missing something that some people think that is a crime to not respond to a tex message for six hours. I could be wrong, but it sounds like Sculptor's boyfriend feels smothered. Like I said, I could be wrong.

 

[saymyname]

The trap you are in is that you are needier than he. Even if he is doing nothing wrong the fact that you are worried that he is cheating is reason enough to end the relationship. It's making you crazy. No matter who is at fault it is not healthy for you to be pacing the floor, wringing your hands, and staying awake, waiting. He is not doing those things to you. You are doing them to yourself. You are over attached and he is under attached. I'm not putting you down. Many years ago I was in the same spot.

Take some time for yourself once you end the relationship to learn about co-dependency and ways to heal from it.

Don't just trade him for someone else. In all likelihood, without some self help, you'll find yourself in the same spot. Feel free to pm me. Take care of yourself with some pampering. Until you break up with him practice saying no to him and NEVER change plans because he's suddenly available. He hasn't earned the hardship it causes you to tell friends and family he's more important than they. Wishing you many less frantic days and nights.

I don't know, I get where you are coming from about codependency and stuff, and I was in one of those situations too. But I think all too often (and this is from experience), when we blame it on the guy who is "over attached", that he is being needy, codependent, insecure, etc., we always say "he's not making you feel this way, you're doing that to yourself..." I don't think this is always true. It usually happens that everything is fine at first, right? This guy wasn't being clingy and needy and "over attached" at first, most likely. What happens is eventually, some guys lose interest - this could be for any multitude of reasons. But instead of blaming the victim, we should also consider the possibility that the guy who is "under attached" is being manipulative, neglectful, deceitful, and generally an all around asshole and taking someone he used to love for granted since it's just not as thrilling anymore. I mean, how about some self help about why guys like that exist and why they only value things when it's new and exciting, like a toy? It's very possibly that the "over attached" guy is not being clingy or needy at all but it merely responding to the neglect that he can emotionally sense from his partner. He doesn't know why he is being treated that way all of a sudden, and so that is driving him even more crazy.

 

[altlover85]

I don't know, I get where you are coming from about codependency and stuff, and I was in one of those situations too. But I think all too often (and this is from experience), when we blame it on the guy who is "over attached", that he is being needy, codependent, insecure, etc., we always say "he's not making you feel this way, you're doing that to yourself..." I don't think this is always true.

In this case we are hearing from the one whose needs are not being met. So we have to give advice to him. In the end, I don't think anyone is blaming him for being needy. The real issue is that he and his boyfriend aren't communicating.

It usually happens that everything is fine at first, right? This guy wasn't being clingy and needy and "over attached" at first, most likely. What happens is eventually, some guys lose interest - this could be for any multitude of reasons. But instead of blaming the victim, we should also consider the possibility that the guy who is "under attached" is being manipulative, neglectful, deceitful, and generally an all around asshole and taking someone he used to love for granted since it's just not as thrilling anymore. I mean, how about some self help about why guys like that exist and why they only value things when it's new and exciting, like a toy? It's very possibly that the "over attached" guy is not being clingy or needy at all but it merely responding to the neglect that he can emotionally sense from his partner. He doesn't know why he is being treated that way all of a sudden, and so that is driving him even more crazy.

While it's true the other guy may be acting like a jerk, again it boils down to communication. If your boyfriend isn't giving you what you want you need to talk to him. If you can't have a conversation about your issues, then that doesn't bode well for the relationship as a whole. And the longer you've been together, the more strongly this is true, IMO

 

[TheSculpter101]

I don't know, I get where you are coming from about codependency and stuff, and I was in one of those situations too. But I think all too often (and this is from experience), when we blame it on the guy who is "over attached", that he is being needy, codependent, insecure, etc., we always say "he's not making you feel this way, you're doing that to yourself..." I don't think this is always true. It usually happens that everything is fine at first, right? This guy wasn't being clingy and needy and "over attached" at first, most likely. What happens is eventually, some guys lose interest - this could be for any multitude of reasons. But instead of blaming the victim, we should also consider the possibility that the guy who is "under attached" is being manipulative, neglectful, deceitful, and generally an all around asshole and taking someone he used to love for granted since it's just not as thrilling anymore. I mean, how about some self help about why guys like that exist and why they only value things when it's new and exciting, like a toy? It's very possibly that the "over attached" guy is not being clingy or needy at all but it merely responding to the neglect that he can emotionally sense from his partner. He doesn't know why he is being treated that way all of a sudden, and so that is driving him even more crazy.

I think you are very right. Me and him used to be very sweet to each other. But now I'm the only one who does sweet things anymore, and he acts like its annoying. I feel very taken for granted. Is it best that I just end it now, and not drag things out?

 

[saymyname]

I think you are very right. Me and him used to be very sweet to each other. But now I'm the only one who does sweet things anymore, and he acts like its annoying. I feel very taken for granted. Is it best that I just end it now, and not drag things out?

Yeah dude, I was in the exact same kind of thing, the first 6 months it was good, the last 6 months like what you are describing. I held on because I loved him so much. The thing is, they start to realize how much you care and then they take advantage of it. He was pushing me away, and my response, instinctually, was to pull. Looking back on it, I wish I would have dumped him when I knew what was happening, but I loved him too much to do that so I knew it was impossible, even though I told him that's how he was making me feel. He would occasionally get nicer, and then go back to normal, and eventually he just dumped me when he felt like he'd done enough damage. Apparently it took him a long time to decide if he wanted to be with me - maybe subconsciously like 3 months, who knows - and I think what happens is during that time that they're assessing the value of the relationship, they pull back and the other person can feel it, wondering what they did wrong. What's not fair is that they're exuding this vibe, hurting the other person, while they take their sweet time evaluating how they feel. It's bullshit.

If you can, I'd say break up with him. It's better than waiting it out until he eventually dumps you, after making you feel even worse than you do now. Save some face. He could also be trying to get you to dump him.

The other thing I wish I would have tried (I didn't have the balls to dump my ex, loved him a lot) was to try and just treat him the way he was treating me. They say that sometimes when someone breaks up with someone, the dumper has made their decision long before it happens - hence why you feel like he's acting differently - they grieve before it ends. His decision may already be made, he's just not sure if he wants to go through with it (hence the 'break'). Personally, it makes you so much stronger after, if this guy wanted a break, I say give him one - a permanent one. Show him that you deserve better, and don't take him back unless some time goes by and he's still begging and claiming to change. But if you can't dump him, just start putting as much energy into it as he is - break up with him in your head. Maybe he'll feel the rejection reversal and start to fret a bit, too.