I'm out but I never actually came out

[Singularity]

Now how is that possible you say?

I've heard of and read about coming out stories, where they directly told their friends and families and the reactions the guys got and that made me think of my "coming out". I never really told my family. I gave them hints and such (for instance, I would talk about handsome men and the fact I never had a girlfriend kinda was a big one) and they picked up on them and we continued with our lives.

Now, you may think that my family is "liberal" or very open-minded. They are in a way but they're also too busy with their own lives to actually take the time wanting to sit me down and talk about my gayness so they would understand.

With my friends I was the same, I just told them what kind of guys I was into when they asked about what girls I liked (which caused for some really funny reactions) or I'd just look at them asking if they didn't already pick up on my preference and continue the conversation.

I guess that I came to realize that it is none of anyone else's business who I sleep with and who I fall in love with. The important thing for me is that I know who I am and what I want in that department. As for my family and friends, I expect them to "get it" without asking stupid questions.

OK, I could have lost the friendship of some of them, but the fact that I'm an easy-going person who doesn't feel the need of shoving my love/sex life down other people's throats, makes them feel comfortable around me.

My advice for others, who are struggling to come out, is to find out what they really want and who they really are, because once you know who you are and you know what you want, others won't notice the difference and base their friendship on the same principles like they do with everyone else.

To the guys who are afraid their families will throw them out or disown them, I'd suggest to prepare yourself with the speech that with parenthood comes responsibility and understanding (otherwise they should have never had a child) and if you turn out not to be the poster child they expected, ask them if they turned out not to be what their parents expected or what they expected from themselves.

I wasn't planning on writing that much, but I felt I needed to share this and hope others can profit from my experience in any way they can.

If you're in the process of coming out, I wish you all the best because you know you're an awesome person and the more you know yourself the more the people will love you for who you are.

 

[luminum]

Greta advice! But I still don't see how telling someone you're gay means you're shoving your love life or, God forbid, your sex life down someone's throat...

 

[Singularity]

I might have not been that clear about that part. I meant that I'm not an 'outspoken gay' and most people wouldn't even notice. You wouldn't see me waltz into the room and everyone would know, meaning I am just like every other person and it never occurred to me to explain myself in that matter.

 

[rareboy]

I would say there are a lot of us out there in the world who never had to explain ourselves to anyone. I can't think of a single person I have had to tell, including my parents. I just brought my bfs home with me after university and they just dealt with it.

 

[switchboyad]

That's true, but with family (parenthood, grandparenthood, and more...) it's more difficult, if you like girls ( and you had your big one girlfriend) and you like boys too, and now (along years ) you're falling in love with one boy. They won't understand....

Which is your advice to that?

 

[Singularity]

Your family is the first to understand how you feel, if they don't "get it" then they shouldn't call themselves family. I have some family members who have a pretty screwed-up understanding of life but I still love them to death.

Now, in your case, it's not really that different. You are presumed to be straight by your family, yet one day you fall for a boy and it becomes serious. All you need to do is go on with your life and tell them you're bisexual if they ask. They're adults, they should know what that word means.

As long as you think they will understand, they will eventually understand. That's something that has to do with projection of personality. As long as you do and please your way without harming anybody, it will eventually rub off on others.

That's the very philosophy I live by. I'm a good-hearted person with my personal quirks, and I yet have to find someone who'd fume out of their mouth the minute they look at me.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi Nightcharm, I really liked your post and I think it's full of great information and advice. Thanks for posting it. You seem to be an easy-going guy who takes life as it comes, but more importantly, you seemed to have taken the time to get your head together and know who you are and what you want in life. Then, you approach life with direction and confidence. Those you care about and vice versa follow you, keep up and are part of your life. Those who don't get it, or don't like it, fall by the wayside and that's OK too. I wish I had more of those traits myself.

I thought this part was interesting:

Now, you may think that my family is "liberal" or very open-minded. They are in a way but they're also too busy with their own lives to actually take the time wanting to sit me down and talk about my gayness so they would understand.

I've found this to be the case over and over, not only in my own situation but in others' as well. We tend to make a much bigger deal over our sexuality than others do, in only for the fact that, when push comes to shove, people are much more into themselves than to others and what seems traumatic for us (coming out) tends to be a curious blip in other's days. Pretty soon, they're back into themselves again with nary a second thought about you or another else. lol

 

[slobone]

Gosh, I don't know but it seems to me if you told your friends what kind of guys you're into -- you just came out!

As for your family, I wouldn't be so sure they've picked up your hints. Parents have almost unbelievable powers of denial. If it's important to you to communicate with them about this, I think you need to have The Talk. Otherwise, they might end up on their deathbeds making you promise to settle down and start a family...

 

[Singularity]

Gosh, I don't know but it seems to me if you told your friends what kind of guys you're into -- you just came out!

As for your family, I wouldn't be so sure they've picked up your hints. Parents have almost unbelievable powers of denial. If it's important to you to communicate with them about this, I think you need to have The Talk. Otherwise, they might end up on their deathbeds making you promise to settle down and start a family...

I don't equate my telling what guys I'm into with me coming out. I know you might have meant it as a joke but if that was the case, straight people would be coming "in" as well if they talked about who they were into.

My family is not dense, they take things as they are and move on. I think my mom always knew and my sister just had that feeling. As for my dad, I guess that he was told but he never said anything and let me know he wasn't going to expect me to continue the family line. Also, his question if I had a girlfriend suddenly changed to if I had "someone special".

 

[luminum]

You told gave away your sexuality by telling your guy friends that you were into "these" guys. If that's not coming out or outing one's self, then I don't know what else you think it is...Coming out is making your sexuality known. ::shrug::

 

[biguy69]

I totally agree.
I never came out. I just started dating guys and people noticed.
I never felt the urge to tell everyone I was bi. I wouldn't do the same if I was straight so what's the point.

I think there's far too much emphasis on the whole 'coming out' part of being gay.

 

[Singularity]

I think there's far too much emphasis on the whole 'coming out' part of being gay.

You know, in high societies, a 'coming out' is usually a party where someone is introduced into the social circle. gay people have turned that into a whole big deal where you'd have to make other people "understand" who you are and hope they would "accept" you.

As a society, I think we are far beyond that point to let go of these coming outs and just take people for who they are. We are supposed to be an intelligent species, and if you can't pick up on who someone is dating/is into, then you better just stay at home watching other people have a live on TV.

 

[biguy69]

I guess it depends a lot on geography.
One thing I realised from these boards is that it's much harder if you're not living in a metropolitan area.

I'm lucky being a city boy, London is so diverse nothing is shocking to most people.
People are used to seeing guys holding hands in the street, transexuals in night clubs etc.

I'm discovering more and more that lots of people are a lot gayer than they lead you to believe. So many people told me about their gay experiences when they found out I was bi.

 

[conrad]

One's sexual activities' in my book, ought to be held to be personal and private. What others see of your way of life out in public allows them to draw their own conclusions. My experience suggests that most people will not be too inquisitive; but if they are, there are polite ways of letting them know that it is really none of their business. In today's setting, whatever you choice, don't ever feel you have to offer an explanation for the public. Even families can learn to be discreet and respectful of one's ways. It's asking for trouble to get too many people involved in one's private and personal affairs.