i'm practically finding christmas presents.

[kissthesky88]

first of all, i just have to say; and not even to toot my own horn or boast or anything, ive been close to a lot of people in my short time in this world, and i'm probably one of the most articulate and emotionally strong individuals i've ever known. i honestly don't care enough what people think about me. if you knew me, this would become apparent pretty quickly from the lack of holding my tongue.

it's ironic really. i've always been the "stable" one, the one who just naturally has his shit straight without even trying. i guess maybe that's why it's just so hard for me to say it.

i've known i'm gay for practically all my life. i enjoy doing the more... masculine things in life (sports and cars and beer and rock), so i've never really identified with gay culture. at all actually. I have one gay friend (whom i'm exceptionally close with, he's told me i'll be the best man at his wedding because we've been friends since we were eight), and i've been the good supportive "straight" friend, going with him to gay bars because he didnt have anyone else to, voting no on prop 8, defending him to rude strangers on the street, all the things i would expect any good friend to do. almost all of our close friends are mutual, and i live in an extremely liberal and open minded environment; we all support and accept him.

yet, even i haven't come out to him. he's not specifically the problem, i'm just using him as an example of my lack of strength to go thru with this.

last night, my very best friend that's a girl threw a birthday party. my birthday is in 2 weeks. i've known her since i was 11 and we're turning 21 so there was alot of alcohol involved. i got drunk and talked to my best friend on his girlfriends laptop thru web cam in one of the bedrooms (he's in paraguay for 3 months). it got me a little down but i'm a pretty happy drunk so i was fine after writing it off as just missing my bro. he's ironically the only one of us that actually doesn't completely support... gay endeavors. well his girlfriend was my ride there and we were originally planning on staying the night but the party ended up being alot... bigger than we had imagined so trying to sleep there would have been hard. on the way home, we were both just listening to music, not saying much, and i just started to weep. out of nowhere and for no reason. err. well for a reason of course (because i'm gay, duh). but i tried to hold it back before she noticed, but she eventually did. I basically had a random breakdown in the passenger seat and was trying everything i could to make it seem like i wasn't. she asked me what was wrong and i wanted to come clean to her (i've only known her for about 6 months but i sortof consider her an extenstion of my best friend since they're together and love her like it's going out of style, he proposed to her recently and i was really glad because shes so great and i hope they stay together forever) but i felt it would be wrong to tell her first out of all the people in my life. so she dropped me off at home (I still live with my parents, they have this almost unreal happy, loving relationship, i'm pretty sure growing up with them as an example of what love is has definitely been the source for all my "closet" issues), and i got on aim (which i haven't done in over 2 years and don't even know why i did it last night) and mikey (my bf who's in paraguay) was on. and i had this urge to tell him.
so i did.
i thought it would be so uplifting and liberating to finally say it to someone. after not believing me at first, he was completely supportive and said he loved me and "would love me if i was a murderer" (and no, i'm not IN love with him, i never have and never will). but it wasn't. it made me break down even more.

it didn't make me feel better at all. it made me feel a million times worse.

i told jess (his gf) immediately after because i knew he would share it with her. and after i felt even more worse. it was like, for the first time in my life, i'm being honest and i'm getting the most awesome responses from it... why does it make me feel this way?
i know the damage is done but i'm completely regretting it. i wish more than anything i could take it all back now. i love myself, i think i'm an incredibly wonderful human being. i've always been surrounded in good company and i've grown up knowing i am loved unconditionally (i'm hispanic so both my parents have literally kissed me and told me they've loved me every single day of my life). why do i feel this way? i just don't understand. most people in my situation couldn't ask for a better deal. what's wrong with me?

i think the majority of my feelings come from feeling lost for the first time in my life, not knowing where to go and what to do with this. i know the right thing to do now is to tell all my other friends and parents. but i'm afraid my confusion and depression will just multiply with every person. i honestly expected my best friends's reaction to be the worst, and it was completely the opposite.

i don't even know where i'm going with this. i guess i feel like i'm a different person now. i don't know how to act or how to feel and the feelings i do feel are wrong. that i'm ungrateful and selfish to want something more, or different. this is completely out of my character and i just don't know what's wrong with me.

 

[Sportsguy313]

You should not act any different. You were gay before and after you told them, the only difference is they know. You should probably tell your gay friend and he should be able to help you with your emotions. Also, you should be grateful that you have supporting friends. Some people lose all their friends by coming out.

I think the reason you regret it is because your scared that you'll be seen differently now. People are scared of change and this is a big change for you, even tho in reality there is no change.

I would suggest telling you gay friend and stop there, at least until you feel comfortable with yourself. Once you feel fine, probably tell your parents (unless ur scared of a negative reaction) and then see how you feel and move on from there. You should come out when you feel your ready... there is no "should totally come out since your told 2 people". Its a process

 

[Nerd12]

and after i felt even more worse. it was like, for the first time in my life, i'm being honest and i'm getting the most awesome responses from it... why does it make me feel this way?

Hey Kissthesky88,

You're very, VERY, fortunate to have friends that would love you even if you were a murderer. It's a great thing to have supportive friends with you during this part of your life; I know when I began to come out to my friends, I needed the support of my closest friends because it was just such a difficult and depressing time for me.

I'm wondering if the reason you felt so bad after you told both your friend and his girlfriend is because you were expecting more from them. Maybe you were expecting them to help you or to guide you as to what you should do next? Coming out can be a very confusing process and it's only natural for someone to seek help. Like previously mentioned, you should speak to your gay friend about it. He'd be able to relate to you more and might be able to give you any answers you're looking for.

I hope that helps!

 

[kissthesky88]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us kissthesky. Its very interesting.
I think because you say 'I enjoy doing the more masculine things in life' that you don't want to be identified as being gay, or perhaps you just don't want to be gay.|

thank you for reading justaguy.

you're absolutely right about not wanting to be gay, of course. i doubt anyone would actually choose this life for us if we actually did have a choice. which we don't, and i know that.

maybe i should have mentioned this earlier, but i'm really close to my parents, particularly my dad. i know its typical of a lot of gay guys to have a strained relationship with their father, them either being distant or one of the other thousand ways people mess up their kids. i won the genetic, financial and emotional lottery when i was born. almost everyone loves their parents because they have to. i actually like my parents as people, i'm absolutely positive that if i were their age or they were mine, we would be friends. they've given me more than everything i've ever wanted. a car with a big red bow on it when i turned 16 and a 6 figure trust fund when i graduated high school included.
i KNOW that they already know. they've implied it thousands of times very subtly, coming short of actually saying it.

to say their disappointment would be devastating to me would be an understatement.

i realize there are millions of gay guys who don't identify with gay culture like the way i don't. i would be lying if i said i didnt actually hate madonna (her fake british accent and her overall demeanor just strike a nerve, same with beyonce and mariah carey). i would also be lying if i said i even enjoy the company of gay people in general. everytime i have gone to a gay bar or club (and i've gone by myself to mingle, meet new people, try to adapt myself MANY times in addition to faking the supportive st8 friend role). almost all of my encounters have been incredibly unsettling. drunk guys throwing themselves at me, guys who literally put their hands down my pants while dancing without having ever even spoken a word to me, old guys buying me drinks from across the bar, not accepting them and then offering me money to sleep with them, or rediculously rude, obnoxious queens who believe that being catty, flamboyant bitches is somehow attractive. the latter is most definitely the most common, and ironically the most disturbing to me.

some things i'm indifferent about, the promiscuity and drugs are to each their own. even tho i don't go home with guys when i meet them at the club BECAUSE THEYRE MOTHERFUCKING STRANGERS WHOM I JUST MET THAT NIGHT, i try my hardest to not judge others that do because we're guys, and as the saying goes: boys will be boys.

i'm a big believer in the golden rule, treat others as you would like to be treated. i would NEVER do most of the things that have been done to me. you couldn't pay me to. maybe i'm just one of the few remaining people who think being a polite gentlemen is a universally attractive quality? i can honestly say that about 3/5 of all my experiences trying to accept myself, i've been met with a big huge batch of disappointment.

again, im not saying all gay guys are like this, 'cause i know they're not. i myself am proof of this. my one friend is one of the nicest people i've ever known. and some things about gay culture i find extremely attractive. having such enormous pride in one self is awesome, and i'm totally jealous i don't have the strength myself to be that way. i love the way gay people seem to be so incredibly happy and love life despite the added hardships. in comparison to straight people i mean; usually the unfortunate ones with added hardships are anything but extremely happy.

the jokes that will be applied to me are irrelevant. i'm not insulted easily, and to be honest, i have a very dark sense of humor anyways, i find a lot of degrading things funny. i mean... if you think about it, the thought of anyone (man or women) taking a dick up their ass is sortof funny. and prison rape. and the overall idea of 69ing.

anyways. thanks again for giving me your input. i don't know what to do with myself and strangers trying to reach out to me reassures my faith in humanity. or at least in homo-nity.

 

[hummer7979]

You say that your friends' responses have been positive. You have a wonderful loving relationship with your parents. You mention a lot of things that you think you *should* be grateful for.

What this makes me wonder is whether or not you feel you deserve to have all of this.

How do you feel about yourself being gay? Are you beating yourself up because you feel like your being gay might be ruining what you feel is a very fortunate life? Are you hearing supportive words from others, but hearing something different from within?

I think (and of course I don't really know you) that what you might be feeling is not so much related to being gay as it is an inferiority complex. If it's true that you aren't bothered much by what others think of you, then the only person that's left to hurt you is yourself.

 

[KaraBulut]

why do i feel this way? i just don't understand. most people in my situation couldn't ask for a better deal. what's wrong with me?

Your friends love you. Your parents love you. But it's not clear that you love you.

Reading your post, it's apparent that while you can accept homosexuality in other people, you haven't quite accepted it in yourself.

The question is whether your coming out issues are part of a larger self-esteem issue or whether they are at the very core of your self-esteem issues. Or perhaps the uncertainty of being an out gay man upsets the certainty of the closeted life that you have created over the past 20 something years?

 

[kramer362]

You might just be repulsed by what has become mainstreamed as 'gay culture' because you picture the gay clubs, the media stereotype of what you say as a catty flamboyant bitch and all that. If you're interested in meeting people you should look elsewhere. I'm sure there's gay sports leagues since you sound like you're into that, and I'm sure if you come out to your gay friend he'd be a great resource to help you through this. Just don't think you have to be any one way because you're gay. You probably want your friends thinking you're the same person you've always been, but you need to make sure you believe that.

 

[kissthesky88]

Your friends love you. Your parents love you. But it's not clear that you love you.

Reading your post, it's apparent that while you can accept homosexuality in other people, you haven't quite accepted it in yourself.

The question is whether your coming out issues are part of a larger self-esteem issue or whether they are at the very core of your self-esteem issues. Or perhaps the uncertainty of being an out gay man upsets the certainty of the closeted life that you have created over the past 20 something years?

love in general is an incredibly difficult thing to describe, so i'm going to try my best with this one.

i think i have a pretty normal ego. there are times where i feel very insecure, and then there are other times where i swear i'm invincible. i do love myself, but i know it is only because i'm loved by others. i don't love myself more because i'm gay, but i'm terrified of being loved less because of it.

the resentment that comes along with it. the implications that will surely arise. the questions, the anger, the disappointment, the judgement. life is hard enough already. i have tried very hard to accept myself as this is what i am, but the more i try to, i just realize that because of my specific personality, its not who i am. i don't want to be generalized as "the gay friend", or "the butch queer" or anything at all even. my sexuality is such a ridiculously small part of who i am, and all i seem to encounter when i try to explore it is the notion that this IS, WILL AND FOREVER BE my one defining characteristic, because it is for so many others. more times than not i actually wished i was effeminate because then all the work would basically be done for me. i would be greeted with "yay you finally did its" and "we've known all alongs". the two people i have told didn't even believe me at first and thought i was just joking.

i feel ungrateful for a very fortunate, wonderful life. i mean.... to be loved, what more could you ask for? that is the one thing that makes me not love myself. i think if all of these things were bestowed upon someone else, they wouldn't be as weak as me. i've been honest my entire life about everything but this. the anguish i feel when i think about it just... won't go away. it... just doesn't stop hurting. i feel like a toy who's batteries have just run dry.

 

[KaraBulut]

i don't love myself more because i'm gay, but i'm terrified of being loved less because of it.

That's a very insightful self-analysis.

its not who i am. i don't want to be generalized as "the gay friend", or "the butch queer" or anything at all even.

But you will be. Understand that this is human nature and your friends will try to find reference points to accept and understand you. Unfortunately, those reference points can be stupid- like the "cousin of my best-friend's father who's gay too" or the "Jack from Will and Grace" jester-stereotype that straight people find palatable. It's going to take a while and you're going to have to be patient. Make it clear that you're open to talking about it and understand that you have some education to do to overcome the human tendency to stereotype and label people.

my sexuality is such a ridiculously small part of who i am, and all i seem to encounter when i try to explore it is the notion that this IS, WILL AND FOREVER BE my one defining characteristic, because it is for so many others. more times than not i actually wished i was effeminate.... i've been honest my entire life about everything but this. the anguish i feel when i think about it just... won't go away. it... just doesn't stop hurting. i feel like a toy who's batteries have just run dry.

You realize that you, too are resorting to the same stereotypes, here?

I've never heard a straight guy say, "My sexuality doesn't define me" or "I'm a gay-acting straight male". It kind of reveals a bit about internalized homophobia that we find ourselves having to explain things.

In reading through your post, it sounds like you're having to tell your friends you have cancer or it's some painful secret. And you hit upon the key to all of this- that deep down, you're afraid that being gay is going to be something that separates your from your life, from your friends, from your family and from the love that you have from the people in your life.

It sounds like being out isn't going to change that much in your life- at least on the short term. The question is, "What will it take for you to see coming out as a positive thing instead of something that you approach with dread and depression?

 

[kissthesky88]

Maybe a little bit touchy feely...

lol, thank you, but that's a lot of cheese to feed someone who's lactose intolerant (if you know what i mean).

thank all of you for trying to make me feel better/offering your advice.

i almost told my one gay friend last night after feeling slightly courageous while driving in traffic. the moment he picked up, all that courage spontaneously combusted. it was alright though, he was busy and wouldn't have been able to have the conversation i wanted anyways.

as much as i would like to say that i'm feeling better, albeit slowly, i would be lying if i did. this is just part of my character however, and i know it. i've always been so good at concealing things... hiding; avoiding. i've bottled up a lifetime of emotions and i'm trying really hard to not let it flood out. the mere thought of letting it out... "showing my cards" to everyone is just terrifying.

but i'm a man, the pain i will feel soon will be only temporary. i'm gonna do it. i can't take the baby steps. this is my life, right now. it's the only one i will ever have, and it's not going to wait for me. wish me luck.

 

[backpacker]

Coming to terms with being gay is difficult for many guys. You have a very negative outlook on gays. You look down on gays and think you are too good to be gay. Essentially this is self hatred. This is the reason you feel worse when you tell people that you are gay. You think it makes you less of a man and your friends will no longer see you as the perfect guy. Of course they don't really see you as perfect, but they obviously think you are a good guy or they wouldn't be your friend.

The stereotypes that you mention are from times past when the most openly gay guys fit the stereotypes, while the majority remained in the closet. The rest of us are not hiding in the closet anymore. Gay guys come in all shapes and sizes, just like straight guys. If you can name something that straight guys are into, besides woman, gay guys are also into it. You need to get out of the gay clubs and join some gay groups related to activities that you enjoy. You live in a big city where there is a gay group for about any activity you can think of. You will soon find out that there are many gay guys like you.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Kiss...

I've been reading your thread since you posted it... and its been an interesting journey. And some of the things you write are insightful and very personal... it takes courage to share those sort of feelings and I feel honored that you chose to here.

Mate, no one here will argue with you that being gay is easy. And everyone of us have had vastly different experiences in coming out... our friends and family are unique and so are their reactions... as is yours. To feel better or worse is a response that only applies to your situation.

Kiss... there is something though that troubles me about your posts... and your thinking.

You see, your responses to all the questions are perfect. They are all the correct and right way to deal. You've thought this whole thing through in minute detail - the whole process... and you've considered every nuance and consequence of every action. You've studied the stereotypes and cultures and you've already made decisions about how they will affect you. You've tried very hard to make sure that this will go the way you think it has too...

Mate... it wont. Life just isnt like that.

You dont have to have all the answers. You dont have to be super strong. You dont have to repel all visible signs of "gayness", nor do you have to reject any aspect of your life or happiness that might be influenced by being gay.

Your line about being emotionally strong scares me a little mate... if coming out and being gay is anything its emotional. Its like you are actually scared of admitting that this whole thing scares you... but Kiss you'd be crazy if it didnt.

It doesn't matter if you are articulate. Nor does it matter if you come from a loving family that have given you all you could ever want from life. It doesn't matter that you have the greatest accepting friends. And it doesn't matter whether or not you like beer and sports. You are you. And all of those things are unimportant. Honestly, they are. Whats important is you being able to truly be you... completely.

Kiss, you have for some reason set yourself such unrealistic standards... standards that you wouldn't hold others too. Standards that are beyond reach for anyone... Why cant you cut yourself the same slack you give your friends?

You dont have to be a man. You can take baby steps. you can be scared and terrified. You can actually like things that other gay guys like. You can screw this up a little. You can feel lost. And you are allowed to dislike things about being gay or some gay guys... thats not judgment... thats being human.

Kiss, just let yourself be. Your not perfect and no one who loves you or cares for you expects you to be. You dont have to the beacon or support for everyone else. Its ok to let your guard down. And it more than OK to ask for help. Its ok for people to see the emotional, hurt and confused you.

Dont get me wrong mate. You are articulate. And your obviously incredibly bright and intelligent - your posts show that for sure. And I have no doubt that you are the sort of guy your friends and family would die for... you have a heart of gold. Its obvious that you have morals and values and integrity and passion. Your a good guy.

Now you just need to remember that... and that you're also human. Just stop treating yourself differently to the way you treat others. Because the people who really do matter love you because of all of you.... not just the bits you think they see.

 

[kissthesky88]

You dont have to have all the answers. You dont have to be super strong. You dont have to repel all visible signs of "gayness", nor do you have to reject any aspect of your life or happiness that might be influenced by being gay.

...You dont have to be a man. You can take baby steps. you can be scared and terrified. You can actually like things that other gay guys like. You can screw this up a little. You can feel lost. And you are allowed to dislike things about being gay or some gay guys... thats not judgment... thats being human.

Kiss, just let yourself be. Your not perfect and no one who loves you or cares for you expects you to be. You dont have to the beacon or support for everyone else. Its ok to let your guard down. And it more than OK to ask for help. Its ok for people to see the emotional, hurt and confused you.

thank you tall guy. your words are very understanding and endearing.

when i first mentioned that i was emotionally strong, i thought it would be clear that i was establishing my overall personality. i'm the guy who holds back his tears at funerals, the guy my friends ask for help when it comes to anything studious or financial, the guy who once stopped in the middle of a speech and told a dude "excuse me, i don't know who the fuck you think you are but you obviously don't know me 'cause i don't take shit from anyone; so you better shut the fuck up right now before i make you"after he laughed at my voice cracking in a lecture hall filled with more than 300 people, my t.a. and professor.

when i mentioned i'm articulate, i was trying to convey that because i talk so much and am so good with words, everyone close to me has always seen me as an open book. they have always known "where i'm coming from", i almost never have to explain myself twice. it's pretty ironic that i haven't come out lol.

these aren't things that i have ever tried to be, it's completely the opposite. they are just who i am. if anything, the only thing i have ever tried to be more is "gay".

what i mean when i wrote "i'm a man, i can't take baby steps... this is my life, right now, and it's not going to wait for me." is that this is totally unlike me to be this way. i know it's alright to feel lost, to be confused, to feel vulnerable. i know... but i've felt this way a part of everyday since adolescence. when i told my best friend, he even mentioned that he would have "guessed i would have came out the day of high school graduation or something. or at least wayy before ***** (our one gay friend)". i don't want to be the kindof guy who sheepishly hides in the closet until god knows when. i'm going to be 21 soon (and yes, i know i'm still ridiculously young and my life practically started last week). i want this done. asap. i almost want to just make it my facebook status and turn off my phone for a day or two i want this done already so badly. like volcom said: i need to keep moving. i need to start. life is too short to waste anymore of my youth being afraid of myself.

in regard to you telling me that i've set up too unrealistic of standards for myself and that i shouldn't try to be perfect, i completely disagree. i disagree so strongly actually, that i'm gonna write it twice. i completely disagree. i think everyone should hold themselves to the highest standards, while at the same time thinking of themselves in the highest regard. we should all try to be the most "perfect" human being's as possible. "you" is the only "you" you will ever be, why the hell wouldn't i do everything to be the most worthwhile person that i could be?

the facts that i am almost 21, my one gay friend has been out already for 3 years, and the constant swarm of effeminate guys i see around campus and at clubs who are younger than me be obnoxiously open about their sexuality are ALL huge blows to my ego. it's really emasculating to me. i'm sorry, but it just is.

to get back to the original purpose of this thread; i really don't really like being the center of attention, id rather be physically uncomfortable and sit in a jam packed car than ride alone on a motorcycle (if you know what i mean) so to knock two birds with one stone, i'm going to tell all of my friends at my birthday dinner. all at the same time. it'll be my 21st so i'm going to do this after they all buy me a couple of rounds of drinks. wish me luck.

 

[kissthesky88]

It sounds to me that the reason you're upset is because you identify more with "masculinity" than the stereotypical personality that gay men are often associated with. It sounds like you are stuck in the ignorant mindset that feeds into the stereotypes that so many of us are faced with regardless of sexual prefrence. White, black, man, woman, etc. Everyone has to deal with these generalizations.

You need to understand that not everyone who claims to be a certain sexual prefrence acts and behaves the same way. We're all very different. It's sad that you have such ignorance and I can only hope that you eventually understand this and learn to care less about what others think. If you do this, you might be on your way to loving yourself as well.

I don't want to seem rude, but I really resent almost everything you have to say. I do understand not everyone acts the same way, I've stated this many times. I myself am proof of this. I'm not stuck in "an ignorant mindset", if I was I would have never stepped foot in any gay club or bar, I would have never accompanied my friend to sydney for gay mardi gras, I would have never given a chance to the gay community at all. I would have just made a manhunt profile, slept with random strangers to feed my sexual urges, and written off every fairy I've ever seen as just another piece of ass that isn't good enough to have me. Instead, I did the opposite. I went out of my comfort zone, afraid every single second of every single time that I would be seen by the wrong person, outted by default and have my world come crashing down on me.

I think its sad that you have such ignorance to judge a person who is trying to muster the courage to accept himself while living in two worlds that he cannot neither fully relate to. My judgements of the gay community were only made after dozens of first-hand experiences, and even if they weren't, it is only human nature to generalize groups of people who look, sound, and behave the same way.

I DO love myself. This entire time I have been repeating it over and over again. Yes, I don't like the gay community. NEWS FLASH: I DON'T HAVE TO. I AM NOT THE GAY COMMUNITY. I don't care enough what people think of me, I stated that in the very first paragraph I wrote. The reason I am upset is because my wonderful life, the one I love so dearly and the only one I've ever known is about to change, and it's never gonna be the same. The reason I am upset is because I have lied to my friends and parents and brother and sister since I can remember, and not only do they not deserve it, it makes me feel undeserving of my wonderful life. It makes me feel guilty, and selfish, and lost, and disappointed. The reason I am upset is because I'm being forced to accept that from now on I am going to be generalized and stereotyped and associated with a group of people that I feel alienated by, while at the same time am going to see myself being alienated by everyone else for the first time in my entire life.

I can only hope that one day you'll learn that you shouldn't discourage people who are obviously in pain and are trying to reach out to the same group of people that they are trying to learn to accept. I may be ignorant, but you're just mean.

 

[spencer]

It's hard to feel accepted by either side of the tracks. But you will find that people (and you will find that your family) will accept you for who you are, not for your orientation. Surround yourself with people that do accept you.

If you think about it, your family and friends right at this very moment can say, hey man, why are you so down, we don't think any different of you than we did before, only you do.

 

[backpacker]

I'm not saying this to be mean at all, but rather to help you. I'm willing to bet that none of your friends view you like you think they view you. They obviously think you are a good guy or they wouldn't be your friend. I'm just saying that I doubt they view you as perfect or strong as you think they do. They would probably also list many good qualities that you haven't thought of. You have tried to figure everything out, but the problem is that there are way too many unknowns. Sometimes you just have to live life and roll with the punches. It sounds like you have great family and friends. Trust in that and I'm sure everything will be fine.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Kiss,

Thank you for explaining a little more how you feel and helping me understand a little better where you are coming from. Its great that you feel you can talk so openly here and let us throw our thoughts and ideas to you...

when i first mentioned that i was emotionally strong, i thought it would be clear that i was establishing my overall personality. i'm the guy who holds back his tears at funerals, the guy my friends ask for help when it comes to anything studious or financial, the guy who once stopped in the middle of a speech and told a dude "excuse me, i don't know who the fuck you think you are but you obviously don't know me 'cause i don't take shit from anyone; so you better shut the fuck up right now before i make you"after he laughed at my voice cracking in a lecture hall filled with more than 300 people, my t.a. and professor.

I had no doubt you were of strong spirit kiss... none at all. Its really clear that once you resolve to do something, that you become determined, that nothing will stop you or hold you back... regardless of the effects you might suffer. And you example here just goes to show that given the right circumstance you will almost step outside yourself to not be thrown off course.

these aren't things that i have ever tried to be, it's completely the opposite. they are just who i am. if anything, the only thing i have ever tried to be more is "gay".

Nope your right... you have no more control over these things than you have being short or tall or blonde or brunette, and for sure the same thing applies to being gay. Sometimes though we get so caught up in this one aspect of our lives that we let it dominate and control us. Somehow it ends up influencing our decision making, our actions and our thoughts. And its especially hard while you come to terms with it and through the process of coming out simply because we are literally "acting" our way through life.

what i mean when i wrote "i'm a man, i can't take baby steps... this is my life, right now, and it's not going to wait for me." is that this is totally unlike me to be this way. i know it's alright to feel lost, to be confused, to feel vulnerable. i know... but i've felt this way a part of everyday since adolescence. when i told my best friend, he even mentioned that he would have "guessed i would have came out the day of high school graduation or something. or at least wayy before ***** (our one gay friend)". i don't want to be the kindof guy who sheepishly hides in the closet until god knows when. i'm going to be 21 soon (and yes, i know i'm still ridiculously young and my life practically started last week). i want this done. asap. i almost want to just make it my facebook status and turn off my phone for a day or two i want this done already so badly. like volcom said: i need to keep moving. i need to start. life is too short to waste anymore of my youth being afraid of myself.

Kiss, I understand I really do. I came out late... and for the first few years I thought I had to make up for all those lost years of my life. I rushed things and tried things and... sadly regretted things.

You are young yes... but that doesnt mean much to you right now. Age needs perspective and I'm sure in 20 years you'll agree. But for now a week is a lifetime and so the longer this thing worries you the more you feel out of control and that you life is passing you by.

But this is something YOU need to control... and control doesnt come from hast and rush. Look... have you ever parachuted? Would you jump out of a plane without training, research, knowing that theres a tandem instructor to bail you out if you needed it?

I admire you mate. More than that I respect you and your judgment. You know you far better than I, and you know just how far you can go. But you also know the amount of hurt and pain you can tolerate alone too.

But understand that you arent wasting your life. And believe it or not coming out as you already found out wont necessarily change that for you... all it does is ends one chapter so a new one can begin.

in regard to you telling me that i've set up too unrealistic of standards for myself and that i shouldn't try to be perfect, i completely disagree. i disagree so strongly actually, that i'm gonna write it twice. i completely disagree. i think everyone should hold themselves to the highest standards, while at the same time thinking of themselves in the highest regard. we should all try to be the most "perfect" human being's as possible. "you" is the only "you" you will ever be, why the hell wouldn't i do everything to be the most worthwhile person that i could be?

Ironically mate, you both proved and disproved my point here and my "concern" for you I guess.

Again from the way you write, the way you compose your posts, the way you argue your points... its so inspiring to see a young guy who's so passionate, determined and driven... and one who has the intellect and courage to believe in everything so whole heartedly.

I actually agree with you - 90% of the way. Whats the point of living a half life? Whats the purpose of not trying, not challenging yourself, not setting goals and trying to get better everyday?? I also figured that you would tell me that... and with that passion too!

But you've left yourself no room to fail. And you have built up this ideal that you project so easily as a self defense mode that you're actually terrified to ask those who really care about you for help. You aren't perfect. You cant attain perfect - no one can. You can be good... you can be great... but you will never be perfect. And to expect yourself to excel at and control things so tightly, to try and martyr yourself because of both fear and not wanting to burden others is so unjustly fair on you that I'm not sure you can see it.

I know that being the one the others come too for help makes you feel important... but you already are. I know being the one that doesnt cry makes you feel strong... but you would be anyway. And I know being the one who is on the side of right and is so rock solid in his beliefs gives you purpose... but you will always have one.

To make a mistake, to fail, to be scared...hell terrified even, is human. To want to be seen for the RIGHT reasons in natural. You dont have to be the center of attention, nor do you have the be the guy that ends up in discomfort or pain. Its not your role Kiss to take on the burdens of others every time, its not your role to be the one who suffers and does more all the time. Its not your responsibility to always rise to the occasion. And its ok to see others and want more or to be more or to be angry or repulsed. Thats what drives each of us to be better.

You have a right to be selfish at times - not always and not excessively. But its surely ok for you to ask... and receive. You are worthy. You are justified. You are equal and you are as important brave special and unique as anyone else. You deserve happiness, you are entitled to other peoples love and support in the same way you give it to them. Truthfully mate, most of those who love you would be more hurt and angry that you didnt seek it so they could return it to you than would be hurt about you being gay trust me.

I do wish you luck mate... with all my heart. I hope your birthday is a special memorable event in so many ways. But most of all Kiss, I hope on that night when those who care about you actually show you that, that you can just let your guard down a little... and soak it in... hell cry even. Its ok for that veneer just to crack a little so you can feel what it feels like to be loved... for no other reason than for you deserving it.