I'm ready to come out but my parents are not.

[HourglassGuy]

Your parents are probably worried about what people will think of them, as well. Maybe they're afraid that people will talk and whisper about how they accept your 'deviant lifestyle' and whatnot, and maybe they're afraid that people will blame them for how you turned out.

By them wanting to hide the truth from the rest of the world, that means they feel that something about it is shameful -- otherwise there would be no issue. Even if they tell you that they accept you for who you are, there's probably some small part of them that's having a hard time dealing with your homosexuality. They have to let that go.

Coming out of the closet is necessary to have a complete life -- socially and otherwise. Deep down, they know this. They need to let their selfish worries go. It's not about them, it's about you. Yes, coming out is a risk... but what part of life isn't? They can't just expect you to limit yourself in life just because there might be a few pitfalls (hence the worries) along the way. Besides, we all know that coming out won't 'ruin your life.' There's more to happiness than just landing the right job, etc. -- and let's face it, if someone was going to discriminate against you for your sexuality, you wouldn't want to associate/work there anyway. But there are plenty of homosexuals out there who are plenty successful -- just look at Elton John! 3/4 of Hollywood is gay. Not allowing yourself to be who you are, though? That's what I call a ruined life.

 

[Roland00]

I remember this feeling, it won't go away till you deal with it, I didn't deal with it immediately and it led to depression.

The good news is that your parents are different than mine. Mine were hostile to the whole idea of me being queer in the first place.

What you need to do Strataboy is just talk out your feelings. Your are telling you words, and your parents are hearing words, they don't understand your feelings though. There are only two things that can change this.

1) Your parents gain new experiences every day, one of those experiences may cause a "random click" inside your parents minds and suddenly they get it, it is a eureka moment.
2) You talk to your parents, keep on talking till they get it (though stop if they become hostile/angry). Don't keep on using the same words, try different ways to explain it, if your parents are active listeners they will be trying to understand what you are saying, eventually you say something different than you said before, and it will make sense to your parents, it clicks, for you said something that is similar enough to their thinking that they will finally understand and get the eureka moment.

 

[strataboy19]

You guys are great...thanks for all the advice. So I decided that I'm ready to come out (for real), approached my parents about it, and assertively told them that I was going to do it. They responded positively, saying that if being out would make me happy then they are behind me 100%.

Now I just need to get the balls to actually do it. Last night I was out with friends and we started talking about relationships. I got all nervous and clammy about it. Then one of my friends just asked out the blue: "Are you gay?" and like a coward I gulped, looked away for a second and quickly responded, "No." I'm such a spineless coward and I hate myself for lying even more.

The sad thing is its getting harder to keep going out with friends while hiding the truth...always dodging the subject of relationships and sex...laughing nervously when a "gay" joke is made...it's really wearing down my morale. I'm getting worried because last night I was overcome with an unusual and serious bout of sadness for the first time. I remember crying, feeling totally worthless and unfit for society. I kept asking "why me?" It was kind of a scary moment. Has this ever happened to anyone else?

 

[luminum]

You're not alone and hardly the first person to ever decide to come out, take a few steps, and get scared whenc oming out to some others. Many of us probably stillf ace that on the odd occassion when we meet new people.

I'd say that, you worked up the nerve to tell your parents, and just remember that your true friends will accept you (even if they might be a bit shocked to begin with) and that by telling them, you can do yourself the service of figuring out who's really a true pal.

Take your time, but just remember what it's like to be supported by your family, and look forward to that from some of the friends (if not all) you tell.

 

[martin6]

My friends asked me a long time ago, and I was still in the closet then and said "no", so it is super-duper hard to now admit to them I am gay because I'd feel embarrassed to have lied before. I felt exactly like you described when I lied to them. Since then, I made a promise to myself to never lie about myself again. I've told some of them the truth now-- some have dropped the subject so I dunno about them. It takes balls the first couple of times, but maybe if you do the same (put yourself in the position to tell the truth) it could help.

 

[screwnutty]

Now I just need to get the balls to actually do it. Last night I was out with friends and we started talking about relationships. I got all nervous and clammy about it. Then one of my friends just asked out the blue: "Are you gay?" and like a coward I gulped, looked away for a second and quickly responded, "No." I'm such a spineless coward and I hate myself for lying even more.

The sad thing is its getting harder to keep going out with friends while hiding the truth...always dodging the subject of relationships and sex...laughing nervously when a "gay" joke is made...it's really wearing down my morale. I'm getting worried because last night I was overcome with an unusual and serious bout of sadness for the first time. I remember crying, feeling totally worthless and unfit for society. I kept asking "why me?" It was kind of a scary moment. Has this ever happened to anyone else?

Yes. Been there, done that, forgot to pick up the T-shirt!

Look...it's scary and it's a big jump. Rome wasn't built in a day. You just won a battle with your parents by getting there blessings on you coming out.

So now you have to pick your moment. Lie to your friends until you feel comfortable telling them. Chances are thought.....they already suspect and are just waiting for you to break the ice.

Mine is a similar story...I got sad and cried alot by myself. I was lonely (well still am lonely on days) but I finally said to myself....Either this is going to drive me insane or I'm going to turn these feelings into a force and use it to confront my friends. They were shocked at first and some left me...but the true friends stayed and I still see them even now....3 years after the event!

 

[drhladnjak]

I've been through the tension of coming out to your friends after you've lied to them about your sexuality. It's tough, but keep in mind that your friends will understand why you lied before and in all likelihood will not judge you harshly because of it. Most straight people understand that coming out is not easy and that you'll have meant no harm to them by not telling the truth before.

That said, waiting for the question to come up then relying on yourself to tell the truth and come out may not be the best strategy. Perhaps a good idea would be to arrange a 1-on-1 meeting (coffee, a meal, etc.) with the friend who asked before, then say something like "You remember the other day when you asked if I was gay and I said no? Well, I actually am. I wanted to tell you the truth then, but it's been a big struggle for me to come out." If your friend is asking if you're gay, they're ready to hear the answer and obviously already suspect you are.

 

[spreadeagle]

I don't think they mean your life will be ruined, I think they mean their lives will be ruined.

 

[Riverrick]

You're doing fine. You've done a wonderful job with your parents so take a breath and relax. One step at a time.

I would suggest you pick one friend who is likely to take the news well and come out to that person. Make that your next goal. And then with them behind you, you can slowly start taking on the world.