I'm scared that i would be an outcast if i came out

[gwolf18]

I feel like my friends will outcast me even though they're my best friends wat should I do?

 

[Rolyo85]

Get outside of your head. It might be this huge terrible secret in your mind, but in reality nobody else cares about who you are attracted to all that much.

Open your eyes and look at the hundreds of thousands of gay guys living openly, embraced by their friends, family and cowerkers. It's a magnificent world of freedom out there, waiting for you to join it.

 

[StillWaters24592]

You might even be surprised how many of them have already figured it out and will be supportive once you tell them.

 

[Kiwils]

I'd think your best friends would be the easiest people to come out to. They wouldn't be much of a best friend if they can't even accept that part of you. You wouldn't want "friends" like that anyway.

 

[Durango95]

Sycophancy and unrestrained treacle aren't going to help you. No one can tell you what to do. No one can predict what will happen. I see that you are from the south. I too was in a small town in central Florida when i was outed. I can tell you my story.

I was outed very much against my will when I was a senior in high school by an ex girlfriend. She hadn't caught me or hadn't seen anything. She just said that she had because she was angry at being jilted. I will say this. I was wrong to use her and lead her on. I was 16 when we started dating. I had already had sex with guys prior to that. I was still dealing with my sexuality. Not to be obnoxious or anything, I am one of those guys that isn't very readable, especially to straight guys. I played sports all my life. I hunted. I was a typical southern guy. If am being totally honest here, I have to tell you I even joined in on bullying a few obvious gay guys in school. I'm not proud of it but it is what it is. I suppose it was a maneuver for self preservation.

All this went down right before prom. That was the good thing if there is a good thing. She spread the rumor and you know how that goes. A particular guy that I had had run ins with before took great advantage of it. I tried to deny it and then it it didn't make any difference what I did. How people like to see others fall. I deserved it I guess in light of what I had done. Well one night right before graduation I was jumped by a bunch of guys and beaten pretty badly. I put up a fight and I'm a big guy, but I was grossly outnumbered. My best friend who is still my best friend stopped it and took me to the hospital. I was in the hospital for a few days. I was injured but not severely. There were no internal injuries. I lost a few teeth. I had an orbital fracture that wasn't too bad. It hurt like a mother. I had few broken ribs and fingers. I looked a lot worse than it really was. I was black and blue everywhere.

My mother didn't even want to pay my hospital bills because she somehow thought I deserved it. My dad had died the year before. Actually my dad would have been able to handle the gay thing much better than my mother. She was angry because she thought everyone would blame her. She kept saying..everybody always thinks it the mother's fault. My stay at home after that was short. She threw me out. I went to live with my grandmother, my paternal grandmother. She didn't necessarily like the idea of my being gay but she had a brother that was a confirmed bachelor. She understood more than I knew. I know that now years later.

Needless to say I didn't return to that school. I had to go to summer school to take my tests and complete my work so I could graduate. The only friend I had with me through it all is the same guy that is my friend today. If I hadn't had him I honestly don't know what I would have done. My sport scholarships disappeared. Nothing was done to those that attacked me. Mostly because even though I knew who did it I couldn't swear that I could positively identify them. Besides back then, in 1976, there wasn't a huge groundswell to support a local fag kid that got a well deserved ass kicking.

I will say this my best friend actually got a little angry with me for not being totally honest with him prior to all this. He told me he had pretty much figured it out but was waiting for me to say something. He actually threw over his college scholarship and we went to a community college in another state together. We then worked for a few years and went on to a 4 year school and went on with life. He is straight by the way. He is married and has kids. He is the one I love more than oxygen and the best friend anyone could ever have.

I tell you this for one reason. Count the cost of any actions you take concerning this. Coming out isn't really necessary to be happy. Do it when you feel it is right and with whom it feels right. Take into consideration your cultural settings.

 

[Brian Smith]

I feel like my friends will outcast me even though they're my best friends wat should I do?

You know your friends better than anyone here. I will tell you something about staying in the closet, though: it doesn't work. In the long-run, you are going to have to make some tough decisions.

For example, do you trust certain members of your peer group enough to actually continue associating with those people, knowing that it will eventually come out that you are bisexual? If not, try to put distance between yourself and those people. That doesn't mean suddenly stop talking, but realize in your head that such a friendship will not and cannot last.

If you have friends you really can trust, who are easy-going and understanding, try to gravitate toward them and people they know. Just spend a while readjusting yourself socially, and make sure you're in company that you know will be reasonably supportive. Find a safe place to be.

You don't have to come out right away. It doesn't have to be right now. However, just know this: you cannot hide forever. That's a dead-end. Either the truth will come out at the worst possible time, or the stress of hiding it will start to eat away at your soul. I have been a basket-case before, and it is not cool.

One other thing I want to say is this, though. If your friends are really not that bad, then I don't think it's very respectful of you, as a friend, to not show the faith in them that they deserve. Only you can know that. I don't know your friends. If you know you can trust your friends, though, you ought to practice a little faith in them. That's just respectful reciprocation. If they are really the kinds of people you think they are, they will feel honored that you have invested that kind of trust in them, even if they still don't like gay people in general.

 

[TX-Beau]

I tell you this for one reason. Count the cost of any actions you take concerning this. Coming out isn't really necessary to be happy. Do it when you feel it is right and with whom it feels right. Take into consideration your cultural settings.

On the contrary - coming out IS necessary to be happy. One can survive in the closet, but I've never met a closeted guy yet who was happy living a lie.

Don't worry about the Gothic Horror stories - I grew up in the backwoods in Texas, the local high school had about a hundred students. The nearest town had a smaller population, and ya know, most of my friends were OK, not exactly thrilled but understanding. Sure there are people out there who are going to hate. That's true for just about any minority - but even in the South, it's not 1976 anymore.

Mostly people put the amount of drama on this that you do - if you say, "I'm gay, so what?" what are they going to do? Morph into gay bashing bigots right before your eyes? That might have been true a generation or two ago, but it's way harder, and far less accepted now than it was even when I graduated from high school ('92) - even here in Texas.

I had severe issues with my own gay - dated women, denial, anger management, substance abuse - the whole nine yards. The biggest shock about coming out was how much of that was just in my head. Yes there were some guys who couldn't deal, but there were more who didn't give a fuck, because it wasn't about them, once the initial drama was done, old news, no interest.

You can of course make this a huge deal, by treating it like a state secret and hidden shame. Like I said, straight people will follow your lead, and if that's how you present it, you'll end up making the gossip juicer.

Biggest thing, YOU are inflating the drama level of this in YOUR head because of YOUR fear that being gay is wrong. If you truly felt there was nothing wrong with being gay, this wouldn't be so torturous. You're afraid they will ostracize you because you have at some level bought into the notion that the reaction to being gay is obviously being shunned. FUCK THAT.

Some 'Phobe put that into your head, you didn't come up with it. Doesn't it piss you off that you have to deal with hater shit some bigot is trying to force you to accept? You don't have to live with that.

...say it with me...

It's MY life, and MY prerogative, and FUCK YOU if you don't like it, I'm NOT going to live like that anymore.

What you should do is relax, and repeat the above until you believe it, then be honest about yourself and your life. The people who matter will stick with you, and you don't need the rest.

 

[Telstra]

Your "real" friends don't won't you to lie to yourself.

 

[Durango95]

On the contrary - coming out IS necessary to be happy. One can survive in the closet, but I've never met a closeted guy yet who was happy living a lie.

Don't worry about the Gothic Horror stories - I grew up in the backwoods in Texas, the local high school had about a hundred students. The nearest town had a smaller population, and ya know, most of my friends were OK, not exactly thrilled but understanding. Sure there are people out there who are going to hate. That's true for just about any minority - but even in the South, it's not 1976 anymore.

Mostly people put the amount of drama on this that you do - if you say, "I'm gay, so what?" what are they going to do? Morph into gay bashing bigots right before your eyes? That might have been true a generation or two ago, but it's way harder, and far less accepted now than it was even when I graduated from high school ('92) - even here in Texas.

I had severe issues with my own gay - dated women, denial, anger management, substance abuse - the whole nine yards. The biggest shock about coming out was how much of that was just in my head. Yes there were some guys who couldn't deal, but there were more who didn't give a fuck, because it wasn't about them, once the initial drama was done, old news, no interest.

You can of course make this a huge deal, by treating it like a state secret and hidden shame. Like I said, straight people will follow your lead, and if that's how you present it, you'll end up making the gossip juicer.

Biggest thing, YOU are inflating the drama level of this in YOUR head because of YOUR fear that being gay is wrong. If you truly felt there was nothing wrong with being gay, this wouldn't be so torturous. You're afraid they will ostracize you because you have at some level bought into the notion that the reaction to being gay is obviously being shunned. FUCK THAT.

Some 'Phobe put that into your head, you didn't come up with it. Doesn't it piss you off that you have to deal with hater shit some bigot is trying to force you to accept? You don't have to live with that.

...say it with me...

It's MY life, and MY prerogative, and FUCK YOU if you don't like it, I'm NOT going to live like that anymore.

What you should do is relax, and repeat the above until you believe it, then be honest about yourself and your life. The people who matter will stick with you, and you don't need the rest.

I think you misunderstood my point. Maybe I didn't define it clearly enough. I am out. When I left my hometown I got a do over. I went somewhere where no one knew me. I came out later on my own terms and to whom I wished. Now would I have come out in high school...absolutely not. That debacle cost me dearly. I overcame it. I don't feel like a martyr. I don't feel like a victim. No one owes me anything. I was a guy that had made some pretty poor choices and found himself at the wrong place at the wrong time.

That being said, I know a few people that live very happy lives and they are not what I would call "out". Your statement is made from your life experience. It doesn't apply universally to all gay people. Contrary to popular opinion, gay individuals are not all 100% alike. I also think it is unfair to patently vilify everyone that just cannot accept the fact someone may be gay. It doesn't make them terrible people. I've lost some very good friends along the way because they just couldn't deal with it. It hurt me but I didn't blame them. It doesn't make them "haters". It makes them opinionated.

You're a thirty something guy. To be honest I have seen this rise in intolerance in that age group across the board and not only in the gay guys. It is for his very reason I think young guys coming out need to be very careful.

 

[Brian Smith]

I also think it is unfair to patently vilify everyone that just cannot accept the fact someone may be gay. It doesn't make them terrible people. I've lost some very good friends along the way because they just couldn't deal with it. It hurt me but I didn't blame them. It doesn't make them "haters". It makes them opinionated.

I have never met a bigot who wasn't a bastard.

I distinguish "bigot" from "homophobe." I can handle a guy either 1) being ignorant about gay people and not understanding them or 2) for some reason having a hopelessly incurable sense that gay is creepy. Homophobia, when it is truly just homophobia, is not something motivated by evil intent. I can't, on the other hand, handle a bigot.

A bigot is someone who thinks that it is right somehow for you to be treated as if you were diseased or inferior. A bigot is someone who claims that he has a right to treat some minority group as a nothing. A bigot is someone who can't believe that straight marriage is worthwhile unless gay marriage is somehow an "inferior good." A bigot is someone who thinks that someone who thinks different, acts different or looks different is somehow defective. I grew up with Tourettes. It was never universally obvious that I was gay, but you can't exactly hide something like Tourettes. According to a bigot's way of thinking, I didn't deserve a chance to succeed, and I never deserved to be considered socially acceptable because I was, to people who think that way, broken somehow. A bigot deserves to have his balls cut off and stapled to his forehead.

Now, if you were referring to mere homophobia, which is a reaction that some men simply can't help having, I am actually highly tolerant about homophobia. My partner has a very dear friend who struggles with homophobia, and he's asked me to be quiet about our relationship with each other because of it, even though I think he sussed us out a long time ago. The man does voice disgust over gay people when the subject comes up (he never brings it up and tries to avoid those kinds of discussions). He clearly is very disturbed by the idea of gay people. However, he is a generally liberal and decent man, and I don't condemn him for it.

But I swear to you that I have never met someone, who could genuinely be called a "bigot," that I didn't want to tie his neck into a chain knot. I have seen too many good people shot down because they weren't "the right shade of white" or whatever the flavor-of-the-month pretext for bigotry is.

 

[TX-Beau]

I think you misunderstood my point. Maybe I didn't define it clearly enough. I am out. When I left my hometown I got a do over. I went somewhere where no one knew me. I came out later on my own terms and to whom I wished. Now would I have come out in high school...absolutely not. That debacle cost me dearly. I overcame it. I don't feel like a martyr. I don't feel like a victim. No one owes me anything. I was a guy that had made some pretty poor choices and found himself at the wrong place at the wrong time.

That being said, I know a few people that live very happy lives and they are not what I would call "out". Your statement is made from your life experience. It doesn't apply universally to all gay people. Contrary to popular opinion, gay individuals are not all 100% alike. I also think it is unfair to patently vilify everyone that just cannot accept the fact someone may be gay. It doesn't make them terrible people. I've lost some very good friends along the way because they just couldn't deal with it. It hurt me but I didn't blame them. It doesn't make them "haters". It makes them opinionated.

You're a thirty something guy. To be honest I have seen this rise in intolerance in that age group across the board and not only in the gay guys. It is for his very reason I think young guys coming out need to be very careful.

If you want to argue with me. start a thread about it. This thread isn't about you or me.

 

[TX-Beau]

I have never met a bigot who wasn't a bastard.

I distinguish "bigot" from "homophobe." I can handle a guy either 1) being ignorant about gay people and not understanding them or 2) for some reason having a hopelessly incurable sense that gay is creepy. Homophobia, when it is truly just homophobia, is not something motivated by evil intent. I can't, on the other hand, handle a bigot.

A bigot is someone who thinks that it is right somehow for you to be treated as if you were diseased or inferior. A bigot is someone who claims that he has a right to treat some minority group as a nothing. A bigot is someone who can't believe that straight marriage is worthwhile unless gay marriage is somehow an "inferior good." A bigot is someone who thinks that someone who thinks different, acts different or looks different is somehow defective. I grew up with Tourettes. It was never universally obvious that I was gay, but you can't exactly hide something like Tourettes. According to a bigot's way of thinking, I didn't deserve a chance to succeed, and I never deserved to be considered socially acceptable because I was, to people who think that way, broken somehow. A bigot deserves to have his balls cut off and stapled to his forehead.

Now, if you were referring to mere homophobia, which is a reaction that some men simply can't help having, I am actually highly tolerant about homophobia. My partner has a very dear friend who struggles with homophobia, and he's asked me to be quiet about our relationship with each other because of it, even though I think he sussed us out a long time ago. The man does voice disgust over gay people when the subject comes up (he never brings it up and tries to avoid those kinds of discussions). He clearly is very disturbed by the idea of gay people. However, he is a generally liberal and decent man, and I don't condemn him for it.

But I swear to you that I have never met someone, who could genuinely be called a "bigot," that I didn't want to tie his neck into a chain knot. I have seen too many good people shot down because they weren't "the right shade of white" or whatever the flavor-of-the-month pretext for bigotry is.

The terminology I use is prejudiced or bigoted, but uses basically the same definitions.

 

[Seasoned]

Come out in your own way and your own time. A lot has to do with your age, social situation, ability to expand your peer group. Friends aren't necessarily forever, but you have to examine why your afraid of your friends potential reaction. If they've shown homophobic tendencies you need to determine if it's bravado or genuinely felt. I think it's impossible to have friends who don't accept who I am. It's common these days in the US for people to be open to friendships regardless of sexual orientation.

 

[bankside]

Each of us, as we make our way through life, will be an outcast to someone.

If I am the outcast of some bigoted asshole, it will make my day. And life is long enough to make new friends.

 

[Durango95]

I have never met a bigot who wasn't a bastard.

I distinguish "bigot" from "homophobe." I can handle a guy either 1) being ignorant about gay people and not understanding them or 2) for some reason having a hopelessly incurable sense that gay is creepy. Homophobia, when it is truly just homophobia, is not something motivated by evil intent. I can't, on the other hand, handle a bigot.

A bigot is someone who thinks that it is right somehow for you to be treated as if you were diseased or inferior. A bigot is someone who claims that he has a right to treat some minority group as a nothing. A bigot is someone who can't believe that straight marriage is worthwhile unless gay marriage is somehow an "inferior good." A bigot is someone who thinks that someone who thinks different, acts different or looks different is somehow defective. I grew up with Tourettes. It was never universally obvious that I was gay, but you can't exactly hide something like Tourettes. According to a bigot's way of thinking, I didn't deserve a chance to succeed, and I never deserved to be considered socially acceptable because I was, to people who think that way, broken somehow. A bigot deserves to have his balls cut off and stapled to his forehead.

Now, if you were referring to mere homophobia, which is a reaction that some men simply can't help having, I am actually highly tolerant about homophobia. My partner has a very dear friend who struggles with homophobia, and he's asked me to be quiet about our relationship with each other because of it, even though I think he sussed us out a long time ago. The man does voice disgust over gay people when the subject comes up (he never brings it up and tries to avoid those kinds of discussions). He clearly is very disturbed by the idea of gay people. However, he is a generally liberal and decent man, and I don't condemn him for it.

But I swear to you that I have never met someone, who could genuinely be called a "bigot," that I didn't want to tie his neck into a chain knot. I have seen too many good people shot down because they weren't "the right shade of white" or whatever the flavor-of-the-month pretext for bigotry is.

It doesn't surprise me that you omitted the last statement in my post. I think I said it pretty clearly there . This post proves my statement to be correct. Thanks for the assist.

 

[Durango95]

If you want to argue with me. start a thread about it. This thread isn't about you or me.

You are correct. This isn't about either or us. I was offering a personal story and a different point of view. Apparently there is a problem with those with a different point of view on this forum. I have run into this before. I apologize.

 

[spunk-junky]

The very best thing I did for myself was come out. It is beautiful freedom. The reality is, if other people can't deal with the fact you are gay, that is their problem, not yours. Granted, I was 27 when I came out and living on my own, not dependent on anybody. That makes a big difference. If your circumstances require you to be straight (dependent on parents, somebody is paying for school, would affect your job, community is dangerous, etc.), then you should absolutely not come out. However, if you are/when your are living independently, you're ready, it is time, your life is waiting. Don't lose another minute of it.

 

[LemonMonk]

I was in this same situation until 6 months ago. None of my friends cared that I wasn't straight. They felt sorry for me for having held that secret for so long, living in anguish and they had suspected I wasn't straight for a long, long time. My mates are from a class system where not being straight has many negative connotations too, I was elated with how they reacted.

Do not feel pressured into coming out though. I was, it was horrible when I was pressured into it. Take your time, the world doesn't revolve around sexual orientation, even if it often feels like it does [it does for me on occasion]

 

[Ganoderma]

I feel like my friends will outcast me even though they're my best friends wat should I do?

hi gwolf18,

Welcome to JUB and nice that you have asked this question over here. Your profile indicates that you are 18 and that you are living in the US.

I tend to think that you can't go on for ever and ever to hide to these guys that you are interested in guys in stead of girls. It seems to me that you are right now still single, but how do you see a future friendship with them when you get a boyfriend?

Right now, we are living in 2013 and the opinion of people towards gay guys is changing very quickly, definately also in the US. Various people over here have already given you good advice. LemonMonk and Seasoned gave you some insights about what to do, and how things can change in a very good way.

So either these 'friends' will accept you, and stay good friends (and/or the friendship will even become better), or they really will turn out to be homophobes / outcast you. Guys who will outcast gays can never be 'friends' of you.

Details in your profile indicate that some of your friends are already aware that you are gay. So I would like to advise you that you built up your life with people who don't care if guys are gay/bi/straight. Be aware that the majority of the people think like that.

Maybe you should try and start with decreasing the friendship with these 'friends'?

Feel free to react and/or ask additional questions.

Best wishes & take care.