I'm so depressed...need to vent(long)

[beatleshead]

Okay...a little update.

So we finally had a convo, albeit through IM. Its funny because I went to san fran this weekend and was driving home and all I could do was think of him though thats not different from any other day lol

So I got to my dorm and I wasn't going to log on but i decided to. He never uses it i swear it was crazy that he was on. So i sat there for like two minutes and stared at his name. But i dont know i just didnt give a fuck anymore.

I said "whats happening my brother lol"

we used to HARMLESSLY tease each other about our race, cos we are both far from the stereotypes of our race but we would act like it to be funny. i know it sounds bad but it was always mutual and always in fun.

Manny: lol Hey you how u been man

Me: pretty good. U

Manny: doin hw

Me: is it hard

Manny: yeah its a report its extremely boring lol

so you get it basically it was a lot of that. I didnt know how to ask him so i just sort of ackwardly blurted it out.

Me: Dude...we need to hang out in the summer i need to play catchup with you

Manny: really?

Me: yeah really lol

Manny: for sure. your comin home for the summer?

Me: yeah there redoin the dorms so i cant stay..plus i want to

Manny: oh i c. yeah we gotta get together, i want to see you mr. [my last name]

FUCK!!! He used to do that Mr. [my last name] when we would talk. i dont know that shit turns me on so bad, maybe cos i remember the way he used to say it, kinda flirty but still "safe" lol. he would know it i think cos he would say it more.DAMN. srry on a tangent lol.

so the conversation kinda haulted there. i couldn't think of anything to say and i know he couldnt either cos when i would talk he would answer immediately, so i think he was probably nervous too. i might be reading to much into this. lol

so i said " i'll leave you to your boring hw...mr [his last name]

he laughed at it so and said "no! j/k ...fine aright lol"

ME: goodnight...hey and dont be a strranger keep in touch

Manny: definitely... goodnight mr. [my last name]

he sent something else but i signed off before he could send it to me, by accident. i'tll send it to me in the morning when i log on.

So. i dont know. It was good to finally talk to him like just me and him again. It really didnt feel like when we used to IM...there was alot more "safe flirting". do you get what i mean by that? but its good to build something up from the shit i completely destroyed.

I think that i dont love him like i thought i did. I think im starting over and trying and im very anxious to see if it still feels the same between us. i miss him and i cant wait for the summer! i get my friend back!

so i feel better. i actually talk to my parents about my depression this weekend. they are skeptical cos they have that ghetto philosphy(thats wat i call it) thing goin... but i know there idots.

but nonetheless my mom set me up an appointment for two weeks, cos she said if itsthat bad that i shoulldnt wait. so im goin to have a checkup and tests to make sure its not physical, my depression that is, and then they have an in house psychatrist that our insurence covers.

i dont think they'll be any good but supposedly they'll hook me up with a prrivate pratice if they think i should be refered.

so there we go. i gotta go to bed, got history of rock class. yeah i know its easy lol

Love you guys.

AHHH I CANT WAIT TO SEE HIM!!!!!

GOODNIGHT!!!!!

 

[Providence]

You did the right thing! I'm sure everybody here is proud of you!

 

[Ron Apple]

Great work guy. I think that everything will start to move in a better direction for you from now. Keep in touch with Manny, but dont get too clingy. Goodluck man.

Cya
Ron

 

[silentalk]

Good to hear

I know you think that you might not love him as much as you did in the past, but there's a strong chance that you'll have the full force of the love you once had once you see him in a couple of months. You have to be prepared if you fell in love with him again. Will you treat him in the same way?? What if you had the impulse t be mean again? You have to draw a plan to control it.

Good luck! Waiting for the summer updates, and anything before that of course!

 

[beatleshead]

Good to hear

I know you think that you might not love him as much as you did in the past, but there's a strong chance that you'll have the full force of the love you once had once you see him in a couple of months. You have to be prepared if you fell in love with him again. Will you treat him in the same way?? What if you had the impulse t be mean again? You have to draw a plan to control it.

Good luck! Waiting for the summer updates, and anything before that of course!

Yeah i know thats what im afraid of because there have been numerous times where i said ok im not gonna do it, im gonna be nice to em but then i shut down.

you know theres that old rule that once you know your problem then you have the responcibility to stop it. well thats what im counting on. now that i have some solice here i think i can handle it. i dont know.

 

[silentalk]

If you think there's a chance of him being gay (and I think there's a huge chance based on what you perviously said), then you should try to give hints that are not too obvious; hints that would make it easier for him to come out to you without exposing yourself. Once that is done, you can explain everything to him, and once you've done that, he might be able to help you treat him in a better way. At least he'd be more understanding.

 

[beatleshead]

UPDATE. umm...so theres this guy. he stares at me during my english class. At first i didnt notice him...then i was creeped out by him...then today i really LOOKED at him. History repeating.

Hes pretty cute and pretty straight acting and I think he might be a little older than me. At first I thought he was ugly..but i dont know what happened. We had to do a group activity and i worked with him and some girl. While that bitch was mouthing off, he gave me stare. I looked away. then he didnt again and we like held it for 20 seconds. History repeating.

But then when we were talking about the book (which I said absolutely nothing) he was talking about the girl in the book and using words like "hot" or "smoking", which was a bit of a let down. Then he asked was their anything i had to say about the book just out of the blue and it was kind of in a threatening tone, which kinda threw me off.

Guess wat. Cant stop thinking about him. the guy from english class.

I cant do this again. And i'm about to see Manny. I still miss him. But I think its gonna start over again with this guy and I want Manny still, I think. Should I just ignore him? I mean im acting like Manny and I wear wedding rings or something. He might not even be gay.

I think I came out to a guy. my friend jose over AIM. I told him my fustrations with my parents and it kinda came up why I so fustrated, and of course i either avoided it or couldnt answer him. He kept saying over and over, " I dont judge people." i think hes the nicest guy in the world and he wont ask me but im sure he knows. HES MY BEST FRIEND!! maybe I'll tell him?

I think I know how I'm gonna tell Manny. We'll probably go eat. He'll probably ask me about a girl that walks by or a girl in a magazine or if i have a girl friend. I'll just answer no very coldly, not mean but like, "no, try again" kinda of deal. if he asks me why dont have a girlfriend or asks do i like girls i'll just say no. No coming on to him. No trying to flirt or hint. He'll take it how he'll take it. I'll take em home if wants and leave(or fuck em if the best thing happens lol).

Just had to vent. Thnx you guys.

 

[beatleshead]

P.S. in 2009 im going to skool in london. Hows the gay scene there? is it more accepted than here(US)?

 

[beatleshead]

Thanks for the update.

...and I think that'll be a great way to break the news to Manny.

I think its ingenious! lol

of course i probably wont do it when it happens...lol

 

[yourally]

vent all u want.,..i'm here 2 listen

 

[ElMmSM]

I did everything you did, maybe a bit worse, so I can;t really give any adivce except salvage what you can and don't put yourself in the same position again.

 

[beatleshead]

update

Aghhh....this guy....

So I was minding my buisness in class and then he came at my table...he asked me something but i was to in awe of seeing him...Jesus the more I see him the more i realise how much of a abacrombie model he looks like...straight out of the magazine and the posters.

So i realised he was asking me for a test paper thing..i said something stupid like "oh its a chair over there (I think it was a freudian slip cos there was no chair next to me and i wanted him to sit next to me lol) and he kinda chuckled...not mean but like he was laughing with me...so he sat next to me and i gave him one. I was so nervous, one of my hands was shaking...so a little bit later he made small talk and talked about a test we were about to take...we were smiling at each other alot...dude he has the cutest eyes and smile...I swear he looks like a MODEL!!!

So something happened when we were taking the test...somebody dragged a book against the table on the other side of us and it sounded like someone farted....HAHAHAA...so he started giggling to himself but he was embarrased cos he was the only one laughing in a quiet room of test takers...so i started giggling with him and then we looked at each other still giggling and kinda stared for a minute...then we went back to our test. I finished and left...he was still taking his so i didnt get to say have a nice spring break or bye or some other small talk.

NOW I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM!!! the only thing is my gaydars been down a while...actually based on the Manny thing its been all but exsistant...and im not really feeling as attractive as i used too. I dont know. What do you guys think?

 

[ELAINE]

Sounds like all the guessing and not really knowing where all this was going, just added to the frustrations of really liking him and not being able to express it. Sometimes knowing is better, even if it's not what you wanted, because then you're not in limbo and building things up only to get let down. I think at some point you should just be honest with him and tell him. You may be pleasantly surprised. If the result is not what you wanted, then I think at least finally knowing where you and he stand, will help you to move forward without that (what if) feeling. I wish you the best.

 

[yourally]

maybe he just wants 2 be friends, (but porob wants more, but is shy) b careful, cuz like you told me in "my life as it happens" it might just be a ploy 2 out you,

but it sounds so GOOD, dreamy and romantic, I really hope you guys can become "FRIENDS",

he just might fill the Manny void...

 

[beatleshead]

maybe he just wants 2 be friends, (but porob wants more, but is shy) b careful, cuz like you told me in "my life as it happens" it might just be a ploy 2 out you,

but it sounds so GOOD, dreamy and romantic, I really hope you guys can become "FRIENDS",

he just might fill the Manny void...

OH BELIEVE YOU ME...I'm always on guard...perhaps too much as you can see from the disaster that was my relationship with Manny. I dont think this guy knows anybody at the school cos hes a commuter i think so i dont think it could be that...but still he probably just wants to be friends.

And I think I should'nt expect anything more from him...I'll just go with the flow. ughhhh I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM!!! lol

P.s. are the any dream analyzers in here? I had the strangest ass dream last night...I was an audio engineer in a giant submarine and i was mixing a live orchestra that was playing in the middle of the submarine...The two remaining members of TLC(the singers) were sitting next to me and telling me that I wasnt doing it right. So the cello couldnt be heard and it was because i didnt have something plugged in...so i plugged it in. Suddenly i didnt have to do it anymore and me and TLC were about to leave but then the sub started to flood and turn over and we couldnt escape...so we went to the bathroom and flew over the stalls to escape...and then thats when i woke up.

WEIRD!!!!! i dont even like TLC!

Love you guys!!!

 

[skizofrenic0]

I read your story as a visitor and it's funny cos reading it felt i like i had written this post myself this is exactly what had happened to me a year and a half ago. I immediately registered just to tell you that i know how you feel. It's a crappy feeling. Well I hope all goes well. My story doesn't have a happy ending, let's just say "my manny" and I don't talk anymore and I we probably won't...ever. But I moved on from then...but it did mess me up mentally. I do a lot of stuff i reget. Well...I just hope things gets better for you (or between you guys).

 

[beatleshead]

I read your story as a visitor and it's funny cos reading it felt i like i had written this post myself this is exactly what had happened to me a year and a half ago. I immediately registered just to tell you that i know how you feel. It's a crappy feeling. Well I hope all goes well. My story doesn't have a happy ending, let's just say "my manny" and I don't talk anymore and I we probably won't...ever. But I moved on from then...but it did mess me up mentally. I do a lot of stuff i reget. Well...I just hope things gets better for you (or between you guys).

Well First off...WELCOME!!!!!

Um yeah, thats what I'm hoping my storie doesnt come to an end like you say yours did. If you dont mind I'd like to hear ur experience...of course its up to you. Consider it your initiation post lol

Maybe from one miserable person to another we could help lol

 

[beatleshead]

A little update. just a little one.

Something interesting came up in therapy...so ive been doing it like three weeks i think it will be. this friday i get the medicine that i still dont want to take but somehow i let her convince me.

well anyway...that interesting thing i was taking about...So we started reflecting on some things. Somehow we got on sex and sex life. (by the way the therapist knows I'm Bi.) She asked me had I ever. I said no. She said, "NEVER?" i said no. she asked me to think back as far as I can of any sexual interaction. First I told her I cant remember much before high school. I truthfully cant, i always thought that was bizarre cos thought starts retaining after like four; but i cant even remember 5 years back before high school.

So she said, lets not say sexual interactions, lets just say interactions. i asked her what does that mean? she told me anything that would be called an "interaciton" with sexual nature; even if i was to young to know what sex is.

Somehow all these images just raced through my head in a particular order. I started backwards to her but I'll do it in chronological order....

So the first thing (and the furthest thing) is when i was like 4 or 5(?). I was going to a babysitters and there was this girl who the babysitter kept...she mustve been like 6 or 7? im not sure. but i remember she took me under the table and was kissing me and fondled me.

the next thing after that was me and my cousin (a girl, who is the same age as me now, in college actually) we used to do "things" to each other. we were like 5 or 6. I cant really (or i dont want to) remeber what we used to do. but i do remember it being ALOT more than fondling. this went for maybe two years?

So heres the biggest one thats been eating the hell out of me. So i was like 10 or 11 and i used to go to a babysitters. So her son. he was like 7 at the time. I cant quite remember how it happened. I dont think i egged it on. So we started showing each other...well you know. somehow throughout time it escaleted but not like sex...just touching. somehow it became not just me and him but like three other guys about his age if not younger. I think i sucked one of there dicks but i think it was more experiemental and it wasnt like i forced him, you know. so we got caught. and my mom knows. so i think she knows im gay, even though shes on that bible trip thing now, i truely believe she must know unless shes totally wiped this out of her memory.

I dont like that one because i feel like, what if like i damaged them? i mean i feel like I sexually harrased them. this sinked me low, ive been having a bad two weeks, this one thing ive been meditating on i feel so horrible about it.

so the last "experience" that i could think of was a guy from middle school. his name was jesse. now at this point (obviously cause i didnt feel attracted to guys till Manny.) I swear to you it is a carbon copy of the Manny situation. this guy is scarely a carbon copy of Manny. Short. Latino. cute. So like he did the staring thing to and it annoyed me. He would like snug with me when we would hang out and like i wouldnt notice it but when it got too close i would get mad. I can remember one time i was standing over him when he was sitting in his chair, i cant remember what we were reading but my eye wandered at his crotch...and his fly was open and i told him...he said sometihing that i cant remember i think it was like zip up for me or like reach in, something like that. I didnt talk to him after that, but I couldnt stop thinking about him. Why did i repeat that with manny? will I always repeat this with the same kind of guy?

She she tells me that what i experienced was sexual abuse...i mean i dont know if i agree with her completely. I dont know. I'm starting to get uncomfortable with takling with her on stuff like that cos it makes me think and i dont want to think about it. sorry this was so long.

 

[beatleshead]

I finally Fucking lost it. I pretty much stoped going to class. I tried to drive to San Fransisco and realised what i was doing and had to sleep at a rest stop. I finally told everyone my depression. I got medical leave at school. my parents have shown me they love more than i knew.

But i feel the same. Still desperate and depressed. i dont know.

 

[silentalk]

Is it still about Mannie, the other guy or is it just something else that causes this?