I'm so fucking depressed

[FlyingGoats]

My life just keeps going further and further down hill. I don't know what to do anymore. I have no job, and nobody will hire me. I live with my dad, I hate him and he hates me. My best friend, who's been like my brother since I was 5, won't talk to me anymore, and I don't know why. My only other friend was my basset hound, and he's dead now. I have such a bad anxiety problem everything makes me nervous, even watching TV. I have no one to talk to and nothing to do, except sit here and stare at the wall. Every day I think I must be as low as I can possibly get, and then something worse happens. I'm at the bottom and I'm still falling.

What the fuck can I do?? I would kill myself but I can't even do that. I CANT live like this anymore! I would go to the doctor, but I'm terrified of that too. You know how little kids feel about monsters under their bed? That's how I feel about doctors. And what the hell could a doctor do anyway...put me on drugs? I don't want to be happy just because I'm high. I can't just sit here and cry anymore. I've got a scar on my eye lid I've been crying and rubbing my eyes so much. I feel like such an idiot...but what the hell can I do about it?

 

[uncguy]

aiy, cheer up! Don't just sit there and stare at the wall. There must be a solution to every problem. Although it might take you a while to find one, never give up!

Look to the brighter side!!!!

-J

 

[sunshinesteve]

If you are clinically depressed, anti depressants may give you a little time out from the extreme lows, this may give you a chance to start looking at solutions to your depression that do not involve the anti depressants.
I was in this boat a few years ago, and spent about a year and a half taking prozac, during this time with some help from other practitioners, both scientific and metaphysical, which got me to the point where I could stop the drug therapy and now am no longer depressed.
I didnt want to take the drugs in the first place but now I realise that it was the time out from feeling depressed that I needed to start the healing process.
Good luck Mate

 

[3nipples]

It would be good if you could speak to someone about all this. Your community social services may have a councelling service or you might find something through a church.

 

[rotary]

I feel like such an idiot...

You are not an idiot. I'm sure you have many great qualities that you can put to use.

What are the reasons behind you and your father disliking each other? Would you like some help making a resume? Is school an option for you?

There are a lot of great people here, and you can talk to us if you feel like no one else will listen. Feel free to send me a PM if you'd like, I'll talk to you.

 

[luminum]

Then go to a therapist. Talk to someone. Talk to a social worker or a councelor. You don't have to take any drugs that they prescribe you and you can make it clear that you don't want to take drugs.

Talking to someone gives you someone who will pay attentiont o you and who can also offer another perspective to assist you.

If no one will hire you, keep looking. Don't stop because, and I know this sounds awful, but even awful truths can be optimsitic truths, there has to be someone who is so desperate for help that they'll hire anyone and that includes you.

Get out. Do something. Exercise, play a sport, join a club, go for walks, pick a hobby and then become determined to become awesome at it.

 

[InternetEnthusiast]

You have to find the strength to carry on. Try to get along with your father and if you can't, then you'd have to be stronger to make it on your own. There's PFLAG, try going to a PFLAG meeting where you live, you might find a friend there in your area, you never know. Their website is pflag.org.

If you don't have sufficient funds to pay for much, I don't know if there actually programs where you could get free appointments with psychiatrists, but I think I saw some news on television a couple of years ago about programs for free antidepressants on the market. Even if you're not in a suicidal state, what you could do is to call 1 800 SUICIDE and ask those people for more info to help you out because that's all I know about free programs. If you don't live in the United States and there isn't a national hotline, please call your local Health Department or local hospital emergency room because I think they could provide info about free programs. Actually, you could do searches on google.com or yahoo.com to find all that info yourself first. And about the info that you can't find over the Internet, you could ask people over the phone who'd be knowledgable about where you could get help, like the people I mentioned earlier via national hotline, health department, local emergency room.

If you have medical insurance or the funds to pay for an appointment and medication and you think you need to be medicated to feel better, then please make an appointment with a psychiatrist and not a psychologist because I think psychiatrists can give you prescriptions for antidepressants whereas psychologists cannot.

You'll be alright .

 

[Homoerectus]

Even in the USA which is notorious for not having nationalized health care, you can find mental health clinics. Many of them are free county clinics. Call you local United Way or Salvation Army office. Tell them your problem. They can direct you to someone who can help. Yes, you must get help. You need help. No one who is well feels the way you do. Do you have a local indigent patient care hospital? If you do, go to the emergency room tomorrow and tell them you are suicidal. A doctor will see you. God loves you and so do I. Please, if you need someone to contact, send me an email. I've seen the best and the worst of life, but it is still worth fighting for and clinging to life every day.

 

[Newbie_69]

Read my signature.PM me if you've decided to CHANGE.

 

[Pringle]

Some nice support and advise given already but I thought I would add my thoughts for what their worth :-

1) Get the idea of suicide out of your head - I have been there and it is not a helpful frame of mind - it just increases the cycle of decline you refer to.

2) Anti-depressants do not make you high and although I have never been on them myself I have seen the benefits for people close to me. They can help break the cycle and give you an opportunity and time to straighten some stuff out.

3) Focus on something positive rather than using your energy wallowing on the bad stuff. Make a list of what you want to achieve. Start the list with small realistically achievable things and DO them. A sense of achievement works wonders.

4) Then when you are feeling more stable - focus on the issues you feel you have. Nobody, however confident or together they seem can resolve all their issues in one go. Issues have a habit of accumulating into a seemingly indestructible mountain. To break it down you need to chip away at it - bit by bit.

This is obviously easier to type than it is to do but you can and will overcome this but you need to keep "chipping away at that mountain". It works for me maybe it can for you to.

 

[eftergivende]

You're getting some good advice here. Check if your area has a Mental Health Association. If so, they can probably direct you to some things to look into.

 

[uncuttboi]

stop just stop you im sure have greatness somewhere inside mabey even outside haha see you almost smiled........i was in you shoes i was living-thats a misnomer-on an island all alone in the winter-popcorn for xmass-my cat ran awaythe traylor i was living in was fuck9in cold i used 3 credit cards to liv on pizza and hand outs at the black dog bakery was all i lived on....then spring.p/tjobs came and went now im doing ok not great i still owe thousands on cc cards hospital bills docr bills bills ext....bbut I sleep at nite with my be ?on loan/ and my cock my best friend-...see you can smile this is not story its fact.....
but i still get up and go out every day.....e-mail me any time.....D

 

[Tarzanboy732]

I know where your coming from babe, I just got out of my local hospitals mental ward due to the same thing your going through. It affected my job to the point that i was faking colds and illness so that I wouldnt have to go and then self medicating with alcohol to make myself feel better. I would stay home all day after calling out and telling my partner what a great day at work I was having, then drinking myself to oblivion. I finally hit a wall when the thoughts of ramming my car into a truck kept crawling in my head, then I knew this was not just feeling "blue" something was wrong. I signed myself into the crisis unit at my hospital and got the help I needed to keep living.
1) I was put on anti-depressants and feel one hundred times better than I did, and I'm not "high" I had an imbalance of chemistry in my brain that this medication helps to sort out.
2) Get help, you think you may be able to sort it out by yourself but you cant, you need someone to discuss things with that has an unbiased opinion and can help you see things more clearly, rather than the haze your in right now.
3) Do not listen to people who tell you to SNAP out of it , or to look for that inner strength, it has nothing to do with will power if it did I would never have wound up in the hospital. What you have is an imbalance of chemistry in your brain that needs to be addressed immediately.
PLease contact me here if you want to talk or need an ear, I will get back to you ASAP.
Good Luck,
Marco

 

[tea123456]

things you should do:
1) laugh
2) talk to someone you trust

i had depression once, but it was all effected by the thoughts in my mind.
if you start thinking positively, you will be happy.
good luck!

 

[FlyingGoats]

Thanks to everyone who has responded, I really appreciate it. I also really appriciate those who offered to talk via PM, but I really have nothing worth saying.

What are the reasons behind you and your father disliking each other? Would you like some help making a resume? Is school an option for you?

Because he's a worthless alcoholic asshole, mostly. He's just not the kind of person anybody ever wants to have anything to do with. The kind of person that would run over a kitten and then laugh about it.

As for a resume, I have nothing to put on one. No diploma. No previous employment. No skills or experience of any kind. I might be able to get some kind of crappy job at a gas station or something, but my anxiety prevents me from doing anything where I have to deal with the public. I used to be able to make some money on the internet, but lately I've been failing at that too.

Get out. Do something. Exercise, play a sport, join a club, go for walks, pick a hobby and then become determined to become awesome at it.

Yeah, I've tried that. I have nowhere to go. If I try to exercise my knee hurts from a previous injury. If I go on a walk I get mugged. (it's happened twice now) And anything I might like as a hobby is way out of my price range. (as in, anything that costs more than $1.50)


The issue with drugs is I don't think they can make me happy since my life is so fucked up, and even if they did it would just be an illusion. Some people are just depressed even thoug there is nothing really wrong, and I'm sure drugs work great for them. But even if I was "happy" it wouldn't change the fact that I have no friends or family. I'm just so totally bored and lonely, I can't stand it anymore. People in jail have more fun than I do, and I'm not even being sarcastic. And how am I supposed to make any friends if I don't go anywhere or do anything, or have any money. And I'm scared of people. And why would anyone want to be friends with me anyway, I'm pathetic. Nobody wants to deal with that. I just don't want to cry anymore. I miss my best friend and my dog so much.

I really don't mean to be so negative all the time, but I guess life has taught me to be that way.

 

[Tarzanboy732]

Well then I dont know what more to say it seems that you really dont want any help.

 

[gameboy 11]

Oh just suck a cock already. ^_^

No, I'm playing. In fact this hits me hard because I am almost in the same position: No job (don't really want one) but I'm going to school for a couple of hours every day. But afterwards, I just come home and do nothing. It gets pretty depressing sometimes. I don't really have anxiety or anything like that but I'm terrible in social situations; I don't really know what to talk about. Even with my "friends" that I haven't seen in forever...they never want or think about coming over. ;_;

Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Kinda like you.

 

[snake2236]

Maybe you should start by making some freinds that you HAVE got something in common with. you could start here and make some freinds that understand what your going through. then when you have enough confidence, go out and hit the clubs!
Gameboy11 seems like a good place to start x

 

[joshj50]

Hi, just my two cents worth, but I would definetely get a prescription for an antidepressant, they can control depression and keep anxiety at bay.
Although I was not in your situation, I have a great career, partner for over 10 years, great family life, all in all a great exsistence, however I was depressed. And I am sure you know, once you get in that pit, its hard to get out of it.

I visited my doctor under the pretense of getting a physical and made it obvious in a subtle way that I wasnt feeling "good". I never used the term depressed/sad/anxious to him but he picked up on it pretty quick that I was indeed depressed. He prescribed me Zoloft which is an SSRI, am on a very low dose, 50mgs per day and I honestly say that I am feeling much better ever since that day. I am more positive, more productive and more sociable. I dont feel or look high, thats not the way the medicines work. They just help the body maintain a better balance of brain chemicals.

Try them, speak to your doctor, you will see that once you loose the anxiety you will be better able to fix the other things "wrong" in your life, you have much to loose (although you may not think it). Depression is not a state of mind, its a real condition just as tangible as the flu or a broken leg. Allow a professional to assist you in this matter.

 

[Singtoh1]

You've gotta understand life pretty much sucks if you dont make anything of it. I of all people know that anxiety sucks ass. The easiest way to meet anyone is to make a profile on yahoo, aol, even on here actually especially on here. If you dont like the person thats talking to you then dont talk back and if your worried about scaring someone away DON'T if they really like you they wont be afraid to talk about anything.....and sorry about your job. I recently lost my job and its been about a month since I lost it but I haven't given up on my search.....oh and money wise are you collecting Unemployment? If not....try....you dont always have to be fired to collect it and it will also help you if you need some extra cash. Oh and about your father...fuck him....if he wants to ruin his life let him but dont let him drag you down with him. I was in a similiar situation my father is a work aholic self-righteous muniplative airforce loving WASP! He pisses me off to no end his complimants which are few sound sarcastic and rude. I can't do anything right for him so I moved out. You really should think about moving out if your father causes you alot of grief. I know I felt great after doing so. If you don't have the money to move try looking in ads in the newspaper saying I'm looking for a roomate for an apartment or house. You dont have to be friends with the person and honestly its probly best not to it complicates things. If you have other family that your not close to talk to them see if they could let you stay with them for awhile. If you need someone to talk to E-mail me (Singtoh1@aol.com) NO CONVERSATION IS STUPID! I have no problem talking about anything from bondage with midgets to religion....So I know it sucks being depressed it really really does but life is unfortunatly not fair so you have to make the best of it. Also never say your worthless all life is precious that means you to. Oh and another thing it might sound cheesy and kinda cliche but if you don't have anyone to talk to, which should be never cause most people on here would love to talk to you, you could write your feelings in a Journal. It sometimes helps.