I'm sorry

[vamp]

I was thinking about what my life was like before i finally admitted I'm bi. I acted like a complete ass. I knew I'm bi, but I tried to cover it up by being completely homophobic. I remember my dad and I would ride by the gay theater by the house everyday shouting obscenities. "You all are going to hell!" or "You all are a bunch of faggots!" As I got older, it only got worse. In high school, i used to bully all the gay guys there. It seemed like I truly hated them, but inside I was hurting
I never wanted to admit my true sexuality. I remember I was in emotional pain over the entire time. I hated them for how free they were and I hated myself because of what I was doing and that I'm bi. I caused myself so much drama for no reason and I hurt alot of people when they didn't deserve it. Shamefully, I first came here to flame and harass people. Thank God I came to my senses before I started. I'm happier now that I'm out, but i still have negative emotions from the whole thing. I regret every minute of what I did. I just want to everyone here for it. I need closure so I can just forget it and move on., I'm truly so, so sorry for everything. I just wish I could apoloize to all my former "victims". Please forgive me for what I used to be and do.

 

[StlKj]

Whether or not we forgive you truly doesn't matter--you have to forgive yourself for any real healing to begin. You did not hurt any of us, most likely, but each time you hurt another for being what you are, you hurt yourself as well. Forgive yourself, resolve to now only add to the lives of others, not subtract, and do the most important thing you can do to move on. . .

Do better.

 

[vamp]

Whether or not we forgive you truly doesn't matter--you have to forgive yourself for any real healing to begin. You did not hurt any of us, most likely, but each time you hurt another for being what you are, you hurt yourself as well. Forgive yourself, resolve to now only add to the lives of others, not subtract, and do the most important thing you can do to move on. . .

Do better.

That's the point of this post. I feel like i can't forgive myself until I got it off my chest. I need closure more than anything, but I do feel the need to apologize to everyone here becasue of what i originally came here to do.

 

[StlKj]

Well, for what it's worth, I accept your apology.

But even if you hear that a hundred times, it still won't matter if you can't just forgive yourself. Don't go from verbally beating up on others to mentally/emotionally beating up on yourself.

Haven't there been enough victims already through your actions? Accept, forgive, move on.

 

[vamp]

I feel like I can move on now

 

[jft245]

Good for you. It took me a long time to accept myself for who I am. I never harassed others for being like me, but I beat myself up for years.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Vulture,

I remember your threads mate... the ones at the start. I remember your confusion and your fear.

And I've seen you change and grow.

Vulture, your apology is a great step. We do a lot of silly things out of fear and self hatred. We do a lot of crazy things out of peer pressure and by following the example of those who should know better.

And we do a lot of things out of guilt.

But let me tell you mate, your apology wont count for anything unless you be true to yourself every time it matters. Every time you want to hide or say nothing or doubt yourself.

We all make mistakes mate, and theres nothing to be gained living there beating yourself up. You have to move on, you have to go forward.

And as long as you do it with your head held high, with pride of who you are and what you've achieved, then you will make a difference that matters.

Being gay or bi isnt something to be ashamed of... its just who we are. And by being you and showing pride in the fact that you know how to love, you'll help to free all those who find themselves where you once were. And thats what will count, for both those around you... and most importantly...you.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi Vulture, what a beautiful post and thread. It takes a real man to reflect back and realize his mistakes. We all make them, that's for sure. But, how many of us go the extra mile like you did and really own up to them and try to make amends?

It's true that you can't go back and undo whatever hurt you may have caused with the cat-calls from the car or anything else you may have said or done. But, that really doesn't matter now because you would if you could, and you've changed and become self-aware.

I agree with the others too that it's time to stop beating up on yourself and move on. It sounds like you're ready to do that, and that's great.

This whole coming out thing is very much of a process. Some guys seem to be blessed (that's the only word I can think of) in that they have it figured out from puberty and are totally comfortable with it. Others of us have a rockier road to go down and we don't often do it gracefully. I know I didn't. But, the road doesn't matter as much as getting down it and coming to peace with ourselves.

You're well on your way. Congratulations on your trek and your self-awareness. Your thread is a real upper today.

 

[vamp]

Thank you for your kind words, it's what I've needed in order to relieve the guilt and move on. I feel that I can finally put everything behind me and move on. Tallguy and Averageguy, you two have supported me ever since I first came here. I truly appreciate it and I will never forget the advice you two have given me in the past. I do admit, I've changed for the better. I went from hating myself and belittling all those around me to actually being happy with my bisexuality. I'm able to even joke about it with my friends and I'm even looking for a bf now. *hint, hint* I guess this thread is my final step to finally being comfortable with myself.