I'm sure it's all in my head but...

[DBSKIsMine]

Ok so, I've hesitated even posting this on here because I figure 'What good will it do?'

But, despite that, I'm doing it anyway. Be warned this post is going to be long and incredibly detailed.

Back in June, I met this guy through OKCupid. I wasn't expecting anything serious because it started with a 'wink' and in my experience anything that starts with that isn't worthwhile. He was 20 at the time, I was 24 (his birthday is the day after mine and we are now 21 and 25).

We texted back and forth for about a week and in that time I really came to see that we had quite a bit in common. We were both self-proclaimed geeks (he was really into Star Wars, myself Harry Potter), we both worked for the same company (which, grant it, employs 52,000 people so we never saw each other on any given day at work) and we just got along very easily.

It was never hard to find a topic of conversation we couldn't relate to each other on. It was great waking up in the morning to a 'good morning' text from him and spending the entire day just talking back and forth. About a week after first talking to him, I mustered up the courage to ask him out and he quickly agreed.

We spent the day at a local theme park and it seemed everything was going great! It almost seemed TOO fast for me. We were holding hands, cuddling on the rides, even kissing a couple of times. During our time together I brought up the fact that he told me he had just recently gotten out of a 5 month relationship. I asked if I was rebound for him and he assured me I wasn't. That was that and when he left he assured me he wanted to see me again.

Our mutual friend warned me that she had been hanging out with a friend of hers and his and that this guy received a text from him after my date with him asking if they could start dating again (I guess they had in the fall of last year). I didn't want to believe it.

I saw him a few more times after our initial date. Mostly me just coming to see him after work and walking him to his car. These usually evolved into me sitting in his car with him and talking for another hour or two. In this time I eventually confronted him about the texts and told him I didn't mind if he was seeing anyone else since we weren't a "couple" but that in all fairness he should at least be giving me a heads up so I don't get any kind of unrealistic expectation.

He explained to me that the year prior he had been a complete slut (which is very similar to my own experiences in the last year and a half) and that he wasn't proud of it. I asked him about his previous relationship and he explained that he was with him for 5 months, and the other guy was saying he loved him within the first month. He foolishly believed him, and at the end of it, the guy broke up with him via text saying "He had too much on his plate to deal with him". I assured him that he didn't deserve what he went through and that I appreciated his honesty with me. I kissed him goodnight and that was that.

Bear in mind, that at this point this was already a feat for me as I'd been seeing/contacting/conversing with the guy every day for a week and a half and had yet to have sex with him...that's an achievement for me, no question.

After that night we continued texting/seeing each other. I assured him I wanted to take it slow, and that I really liked him. He said he liked me as well and would take it as slow as I wanted so that hopefully I could be his boyfriend at some point.

Three weeks in, I decide to invite him over to my apartment. We watch a movie, I make him dinner. I also had some more romantic things in mind, because at this point our talks in his car had also included some intense make-out sessions...I was ready to move to the next step. That next step included a candle-lit bath followed by oral sex (he wasn't ready for anything else at that point). I got off just fine, but when it was taking about half an hour for him and he had a hard time even keeping it up I asked him what was wrong. And he pulls me into an embrace and explains to me that it feels like he's cheating on his ex.

He wasn't over him at all. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship yet, and needed time to sort things out in his mind. I told him I would be there to support him and do anything he needed for him until he felt happy again.

This evolved into me lavishing expensive gifts on him and constantly trying to praise/compliment him every chance I got. Sometimes he seemed to appreciate it, other times he just didn't know how to react. I even surprised him after work one night with something stupid like his favorite meal from McDonald's when he thought I had to work late.

We reached the one month mark, and though he had agreed to be mutually exclusive to me at that point, he didn't want to apply a label to us. Whereas before he was so sure, now it seemed as if he just couldn't make a clear-cut decision on the issue.

We still saw each other a lot, he even got to join me and my parents for dinner when they were in town on vacation. He dominated my thoughts, I never shut up about him to my friends. Cliché though it may sound, I felt something different about this guy that I had never felt before. Looking back, I honestly think I was falling hard for him. I felt an emotional connection with him so strong that one of the best memories I had with him was taking a nap with him, just holding him in my arms, after we had spent a long, hot day at a theme park with some friends.

Then two weeks ago he tells me he just wants to be friends. He needs time to sort himself out and doesn't plan on dating anybody for awhile.

...I honestly don't think I've cried so much in my entire life. I was a complete wreck. I tried to put things into perspective: I'd only dated him for a month, it was stupid for me to feel this way. Even he was shocked by how I reacted.

Eventually I acquiesced and said I was happy just being his friend. Now our sole connection is we play World of Warcraft together and hang out with friends still. But I'm really ever only content when alone with him. I went to his post-birthday celebration with him and his friends not long after he made the decision and seeing him so happy with his friends killed me inside. I wanted to be happy, but I wanted to be happy with him and I couldn't.

I keep trying to tell myself this is me...I'm suffering from some form of co-dependency, and that it's all in my head. I need to just get over him.

But I can't. Every morning I wake up and tell myself today is going to be better and as the day goes on my thoughts just drift back to him no matter how I try to preoccupy myself. I cry about it nearly every night.

I honestly wish I could say I would wait for him until he was ready, but I don't think I'm that strong.

What am I going through? What's wrong with me?

 

[Nomenclature]

Yes, you've fallen head-over-feels in love with him. That isn't something you can help; we all learn that attraction isn't a choice. You fell in love with this guy and wanted to share your heart and soul with him. You weren't wrong for this.

It just sounds to me like he came out of a very serious relationship. . .he was only with that guy for five months, but he was crazy about his ex just like you're crazy about him. He's trying to move on and to make himself available to other people, but he just isn't ready to jump into a serious commitment at this time; he's been seriously hurt before, and isn't ready to be in a committed relationship yet. It's entirely up to you whether you're willing to do this, but I think your only two options are the following:

1) Be patient, wait for him and see if he'll be willing to open up to you. . .however long this may take.

2) Move on, and make yourself available to someone who is ready to love you in return now.


Neither of these choices are going to be easy, and you won't be able to make either of them without shedding a tear or two, but something's gotta give. I have to say this, though:

You seem like an absolutely amazing person, and most of us will never be lucky enough to find a man like you. Whether it's him or someone else, you're going to make someone very happy in the future.

 

[Seasoned]

I feel for you. You will need time to heal and you may even have to give him up as a friend. What has happened, however, is what dating is suppose to do. You have discovered some characteristics of what you want and need in a partner.

Dating is work and can be an emotional rollercoaster. Many people would disagree with me, but I would not attempt to be friends with someone I had been in love with or with someone who had been in love with me.

I wish you well. Your sensitivity will lead you to the man who will make you happy. Good luck.

 

[pixie77]

I too feel you pain, I wish i could have someone like you.

 

[rareboy]

This evolved into me lavishing expensive gifts on him and constantly trying to praise/compliment him every chance I got.

Hopefully you've learned you can't buy love.

Dry your eyes.

He's only one of a million guys out there for you.

 

[DBSKIsMine]

1) Be patient, wait for him and see if he'll be willing to open up to you. . .however long this may take.

2) Move on, and make yourself available to someone who is ready to love you in return now.

I'm inclined to do the first...but I'm so scared he won't come around. I'm in no state of mind to do the second...in my mind at the moment, no one is more worthwhile than him.

 

[Georgiadude]

I'm inclined to do the first...but I'm so scared he won't come around. I'm in no state of mind to do the second...in my mind at the moment, no one is more worthwhile than him.

That's your decision to make and I wont argue with it. However you need to go into that decision with your eyes wide open. Understand that he may never come around to wanting the type of relationship you do. He may decide to go back with his ex or find someone else entirely. I'm not trying to add to your pain. I'm actually trying to help you prevent further misery. How are you going to feel if you wait around for him for a month or two and he goes back to his ex or only wants to be your friend? Your hurting now. How much worse will it be if that happens?

I'm really afraid your setting yourself up for more heartache. Pull back for a bit and give yourself some time. The wound is still pretty fresh. Heal some and then make a decision. Right now your obsessing over him. Your judgment is clouded and I don't want you to keep opening the wound over and over again.

Steven.

 

[MoltenRock III]

Basically you went from 1st date to breakup over the course of 6 weeks correct? There simply is no way to get to know anyone in 6 weeks on a dozen or so dates.

May I ask if this was your first real relationship?

 

[DBSKIsMine]

Basically you went from 1st date to breakup over the course of 6 weeks correct? There simply is no way to get to know anyone in 6 weeks on a dozen or so dates.

May I ask if this was your first real relationship?

First of all, six weeks is 42 days and I can tell you right now I saw him a LOT more than 12 times. We hung out nearly every day in person for at least a few hours and when we couldn't we would constantly be on the phone or texting.

Secondly, this is my third relationship and easily the shortest...but in that time I have felt so much more stronger emotions than I have with my previous boyfriends. I get it, not everyone believes you can feel so strongly about someone in so short a time. I don't even know why I do but that doesn't mean it's impossible.

 

[TX-Beau]

No, people are not saying it's impossible to feel so strongly in such a short amount of time. People are questioning what that feeling was.

Let's face it, it sounds a lot more like an obsessive infatuation than love. Clues, you jumped in immediately, you moved way too fast, you saturated him with attention, you went overboard on the gifts thing. You didn't really know this guy, I don't think you know him now.

I'm not so sure it was about his ex, frankly I've had flirtations that lasted longer than five months.

What I got from that is that you smothered him.

Look, this is just an opinion so don't take this personally.

Whenever I've ever told some guy that I just wasn't interested in dating someone, I meant that, until I found a guy I wanted to date. If you see what I mean.

You were more into him than he was into you, and that sucks the big cock. But then, you might want to consider that starting off dating someone by being in their personal space 24/7 is a really good way to burn them out on you. No matter what they say they like, it's a risky thing to do.

If you did the above with me, I'd have given you that line far sooner than he did. I'm not trying to say that this is on you, just maybe you can figure out a better strategy from hearing a different perspective. he certainly shouldn't have agreed to any commitments so quickly.

It's always better to keep a little mystery and space in the beginning, and six weeks is barely a beginning. Even if the guy is saying otherwise, pace yourself, so you don't go into overkill.

Think about it. Plus think about this, I suspect that you were taking this a lot more seriously than he was.

You don't know this guy, you can't know someone in that amount of time no matter how much time you spent talking.

Getting to know someone is more than talking about whether you both like show tunes. It's seeing them at their best, at their worst, knowing when they're going to be honest, when they're not, and on and on - and you can't get there in six weeks.

Yes it sucks, yes it's a bitch, yes you are hurting, but you will get over it. There will be another guy.

 

[TX-Beau]

One more thing, in my experience, all those long, intense, all night conversations that we all love to have when we're young can be significantly deceptive. They don't really tell you all that much about each other.

You learn about someone by increments, in their behavior, in their lives, by observation and participation. There's no other way to get to know someone. In the future, don't think you really know someone until you've been in their life for awhile.

 

[MoltenRock III]

One more thing, in my experience, all those long, intense, all night conversations that we all love to have when we're young can be significantly deceptive. They don't really tell you all that much about each other.

You learn about someone by increments, in their behavior, in their lives, by observation and participation. There's no other way to get to know someone. In the future, don't think you really know someone until you've been in their life for awhile.

Agreed, and was my intended message to him originally. It's simply impossible to get to know anyone in 6 weeks, even if you spend every waking moment together.

Additionally, at this stage of attraction it's more infatuation as you kindly point out, the lust chemicals of dopamine, adrenaline, serotonin, and others are surging thru our brains and bodies making you so high on life, you could overlook tons of flaws and red flag indicators.

 

[altlover85]

I would try and cut contact for a while so you can sort things out. I would seriously try and move on.

As far a gift giving goes, I bought someone a gift once and we hadn't even said we were boyfriends. We stopped seeing each other when I graduated from college and I always regret that I spent money on him even though at the time I meant it. I think buying someone something, especially something expensive can really make the other person feel uncomfortable. It's something I would advise against and is something I have to learn to not do as well.

Good luck to you, no matter what you decide.