I'm the "Other" Guy...

[johnnyc77]

Alright....so there is this guy that I have liked for a while and recently he divulged that he, too, likes me...We went out on a "date" where he informs me that he has a boyfriend....Ugh. First sign to stop before investing anything else into it, right? Wrong! Not me! *sigh*. So he kept writing me and telling me that he wanted to get together again, etc...So, like a fool, I said yes. We get together...there was some making out and heavy petting but nothing went "all the way". He tells me that he loves his BF but really liked me too.....and still I continue with this whole ordeal. We get together yet again the next day. We spend almost the entire day together, with it culminating in us ending up sleeping together. *sigh again*.

Now I find myself stuck because I have actually developed feelings for this individual....What I want to know is:

a) Why is he doing this with me whe he knows full well he is in a relationship with someone else.
b) What should I do at this point? I'm pretty sure I know the obvious answer, but I just want to get some perspectives on this....anyone else been in a similar situation? If I'm being truthful, I really want a relationship with this guy and would be sad to have it end....but I'm also realistic.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated....Thanks for reading!

 

[gerrit]

Continue seeing him if you enjoy being hurt.

Tip: Work on your commitment issues.

 

[Caeth]

you're the spice, not the actual dish.

 

[Horschallen]

Think if you do finally end up with him in a relationship, does any of his present actions suggest to you that he might still be seeing someone else on the side outside your relationship? Would that be ok with you?

Talk to him.

 

[Bruski-101]

Meet the other guy 3-way relationships are difficult but possible.You will never know unless you try.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Why is he doing this with me when he knows full well he is in a relationship with someone else.

Why are you putting the blame on him? He was completely and totally up front about everything. If you didn't want to do it, you could have said "no". But you didn't.

Why is he doing it? Because he can, apparently.

>>>What should I do at this point? I'm pretty sure I know the obvious answer, but I just want to get some perspectives on this....anyone else been in a similar situation? If I'm being truthful, I really want a relationship with this guy and would be sad to have it end....but I'm also realistic.

Whatever you want. If you're enjoying him, and enjoying the sex, feel free to continue. But realize that you're not his main priority. The boyfriend is going to come first. You'll be getting only the time he can spare from his boyfriend, and it's up to whether or not that's going to be enough. If it isn't, you can ask him to choose. But I bet I know what his choice will be.

Lex

 

[Homoerectus]

"Why is he doing this with me when he knows full well he is in a relationship with someone else." It as much your fault as his. You must ask yourself why are you allowing him to use you. Why didn't you leave him when you learned on the first date he has a b/f, before you got too involved? Think about how badly the b/f will feel if he learns about this? Think about how badly you will feel if you are the cause of their break-up. You must have the courage and the morality to tell him "no more". Tell him WHY! Just knowing you have done the right thing will be some solace to your heartache. You know what must be done, which is why you came here for affirmation.

 

[Jory]

For me the minute that he were to tell me that he had a boyfriend it would stop being a date and just dinner with a friend.

 

[johnnyc77]

Why are you putting the blame on him? He was completely and totally up front about everything. If you didn't want to do it, you could have said "no". But you didn't.

Lex

No, no....No blame is being place solely on him. In not so many words, I did state that I knew what I was getting myself into and I fully admit that I am as much to blame.

What I didn't say was that I did tell him that I was by no means a "homewrecker" and that I didn't want to get involved. After he told me he had the BF, I resigned myself to the fact that nothing was going to happen and so I left it at that. Soon after, we get together, and he puts the moves on ME. Of course, I went along with it. I did and still do have real and tangible feelings for him. Guess I was "caught up in the moment" at the time.

Again, I really do know what the answer is here...it's pretty obvious and you've all said it as I expected. Just wanted some feedback to re-inforce what it was that I was thinking. I appreciate all the responses!

 

[Eagle653]

Well, I'm going to take a slightly different approach.

I was the "other man" at one point in my life. I knew that from the first night I met this person. Even though I knew I had no chance, I fell madly in love with him.

The only difference, though, in your and my situation was, after a few times, he confided that his relationship was rocky. Then, it was more than "rocky," it was terminal. Then, it ended.

I still would not commit to a relationship, and, in fact, set him up with 2 other men. Those relationships ended quickly and we kept coming back to each other.

After a year and a half of this insanity, we both tidied up our lives and moved in together and have been together for 14 years.

Is there usually a happy ending to such situations? No. But, the point of me telling you this is that what two people want to happen, can happen. Are you this situation? Or, is he content with his current relationship and not willing to make any changes--but would like to have variety (you) on the side? I even have a friend who does that (is the other man, used for variety) and loves it because then he's not bored and tied down with one guy.

There's all sorts of "arrangements" out there. Above all, be really clear with yourself about what it is YOU want and settle for nothing less. If this arrangement works for you, on some level, then fine. If it's lacking and you're having weird feelings about it, then change it and spin it off for your own sake.

Good luck! Keep in touch and let us know what you decide to do.

 

[johnnyc77]

I was the "other man" at one point in my life. I knew that from the first night I met this person. Even though I knew I had no chance, I fell madly in love with him.

The only difference, though, in your and my situation was, after a few times, he confided that his relationship was rocky.

Ah...and herein lies the rub....I did fail to mention that the whole thing got started when he confessed that his relationship was on the rocks as of late, due to a variety of reasons...one being that he had a crush on me. He said he confided in his BF about this and I am unsure about what the outcome of that was...we haven't discussed that further.

I'm ending this with him though...I want more than what I think he wants out of this and it's better to cut the cord now before the insanity of it spirals out of control. If he wants me, he knows where and how to find me, but I'm not gonna be the third wheel. I just can't....

 

[KaraBulut]

a) Why is he doing this with me whe he knows full well he is in a relationship with someone else.

He's doing this with you because you put out. He knows exactly what he's doing and he knows that you will always give in.

I did fail to mention that the whole thing got started when he confessed that his relationship was on the rocks as of late, due to a variety of reasons

Big fucking deal. A relationship is a relationship. If his relationship is on the rocks, he would have left a long time ago.

b) What should I do at this point? I'm pretty sure I know the obvious answer, but I just want to get some perspectives on this....anyone else been in a similar situation? If I'm being truthful, I really want a relationship with this guy and would be sad to have it end....but I'm also realistic.

I'm ending this with him though...I want more than what I think he wants out of this and it's better to cut the cord now before the insanity of it spirals out of control. If he wants me, he knows where and how to find me, but I'm not gonna be the third wheel. I just can't....

Well, let's hope that you stick to your guns on this one.

Expect that he will call with another sob story about how unhappy he is in this relationship and how he really wants to be with you.

He knows where to find you but do you really want to have anything to do with a guy who has no problem fucking around on his boyfriend?

If you're smart, you'll delete him from your address and phone book, you'll block his number, you won't answer when he calls and you'll delete his emails without reading them.