Fucker29
JUB'S MASCOT WHORE
I've been wanting to start a blog for some time...now is that time. Just felt compelled to do so. Nothing special it will be...just a place I'll rant, talk about whatever goes on in my life...meh, just whatever I feel like putting out there...it'll also fullfill the purpose of catharsis...wich is what I'll be doing in this entry, just getting stuff off my chest.
It's "that" time of the year and I always get nostalgic around the time of New Year's Eve...it's a time I always find myself thinking back in my life and analize my development, my changes, the world, myself, my feelings towards the world and the feelings towards myself.
I apologize, in advance, in case my ideas seem desorganized somehow and if there's spelling errors...got lots of things on my mind right now so...excuse me for that in case it happens.
Well...I am tired, exhausted and drained.
I'm tired of feeling this empty. This hollowness I feel, and that I've ALWAYS felt, ever since I remember being, is reaching the breaking point. Ever since I can remember I've felt like there was always something big missing inside of me, that I've always lacked something, that I was never good enough for anyone or at anything. I've always felt like I could never be as good as other people are at whatever they'd do or say, no matter how hard I'd try...that I'd always be inferior, lesser, lacking.
Sometimes I try to be successful at whatever I say or do, sometimes it comes naturally and I'm successful but, most of the times, I feel like it's not good enough and I just give up because I just can't seem to be able to believe or see myself reaching that goal, whatever that goal may be. I just don't think nor believe I'm ever that good.
I don't know but I think this is because I've always felt that my mother compared me to my brother and my brother would always be the best one, regardless of his flaws...while I'd be the brat, the flawed one. My brother used to be a severe drug addict and she'd STILL compare me to him...even once saying "Not even your brother on drugs would be like this"...and why she said it? Because my bedroom was messy. There's a lot more to this but I won't go there now. Anyway, I've always felt like my mother loved my brother much more than she loved me, and I'm still convinced she does, he was always the one who'd get the "Oh poor boy, he suffered so much with the drugs" treatment and excuse every behavior he'd have because of it while I'd always be the "brat, bad tempered, flawed, less lovable" one when my behaviors, although not always nice or corrected, but not exactly THAT serious as well (I'd talk back, be messy in my bedroom, forget to do certain tasks in the house). So I've always believed she loved him more than she loved me...and when I found a letter from her to my brother saying, literally, that HE was the number one person in her heart...that just devastaded me and I cried the entire afternoon. Why? Because, to be honest, I've never EVER felt loved, not once...I don't know what that is, to be loved. So, the one person that I felt I had any chance of being loved by, my mother, put me to second place...and that's pretty much how I've always felt and still feel today, that I'm only second to others...wich is, probably, why I always put others before myself in everything.
My family and I went through some really really rough times due to many and various circumstances and reasons and no one EVER asked or cared about me, how was I dealing with the dramas, etc, it was ALWAYS about them, them, them, them...and I was only allowed to stay put there, fullfill THEIR emotional needs while mine were being thrown to the garbage can. I gave all that I could and never received in return...I can't do it anymore, I'm falling apart more and more as time goes by because I had so much taken from me that now I don't have enough to sustain myself.
Then of course being mocked in school didn't help and made it worse. Always keeping everything that would happen to myself because, well, at home they woulnd't really care. I've always felt as if I was alone in the world, facing things alone, keeping things locked up inside of me, carrying all the weight alone...always alone in everything! I always supported everyone but no one supported me.
I've never felt that I mattered to anyone or anything...never! So this leads to this need of trying to get people to recognize my existence (since it wasn't recognized during my "founding years", so to speak), craving for attention...basically, trying to matter, to have SOME meaning for someone. It's that "talk bad or talk good but, at least, talk about me" thing...indifference is what it feels like a knife cutting through my heart because of all the open wounds that never healed and only grew bigger and infected.
I've always had this intense and deep sorrow inside of me that I can't completely explain why it is there. Even in my earliest memories I remember feeling this. When I was 4/5yo I'd have these rage fits and I'd start screaming and crying that should've never been born and that I wanted to die...this can't be healthy nor "normal" for a 4/5yo kid! I don't know where this ever present, deep sorrow truly comes from...it's always been there all my life, always been my most silent and intimate, yet "deadly", companion.
From, at least, a year ago I've started to feel like I'm really and truly breaking apart...it's been too much and I'm tired. I want to stop feeling like this but I don't know how. I want to matter but I just can't stop feeling like I don't. Yes, things can change but this is so deep that I feel as if it's not a PART of me anymore, that it took over and became ME!
I've tried to hold on, I've tried changing, I've tried to put it behind me...nothing's worked. Is it worth it? To continue bearing this overwhelming pain? Is it worth it to live life only feeling like you exist but don't matter?
I must do something (I think I know what I have to do but I don't think I have the strength) 'cause if I continue on this path it won't lead to a good place. I feel that I'm on the verge of completely falling apart for good, I feel like I keep fighting to keep swimming but I'm still about to drown.
Currently, many are still demanding from me but I already gave them all I had. My brother is dealing with his guilty conscience and is pushing me too hard for what I can give now, my mother is dealing with her own extremely fucked up psyche and keeps reminding me to support my brother (see? the pattern still continues), my father is depressed and even told me to my face that he thinks every now and then of killing himself (and both my mother and my brother keep reminding me to support him) and then my friends and their issues. I am NOT in condition to deal with this...I am done! But at the same time, I feel the weight of the guilt for not being able to be there for them...I just don't know what to do...'cause either way I try to go, it's a no win situation.
I just wanna ask them...what about me?
This song is hard for me to listen to because it hits home directly, it's how I feel:
A blackout in the room again
a busted lip and broken skin.
I wake up in the bathroom
and dare not bother asking
why the mirror's craked and all I see
are shards of glass inside of me.
There's voices there to dare me,
my father's here to scare me.
My mother sits beyond the door she's
curled up crying on the floor,
look at what her son's done.
When the weight of all the world's gone wrong.
It's gone wrong again.
Gone fucking wrong.
It's gone wrong again.
Well liars they leave a guilty trail.
And let me tell you something people,
I've been lying for fucking years.
That must be why I'm standing in this space.
Disregarding that I've created these monsters
they're on fucking both of my sides,
So I wipe the blood from both of their eyes.
From all four of their eyes.
And while I wait for wounds to heal
I see you by the window sil,
your heart's torn out
a plastic spoon
when honesty lit up that room
so I stole the pillowcase to clean
this mess I've made of someones dream.
Now you've seen what I've done,
when the weight of all the world's gone wrong.
It's gone wrong again
gone fucking wrong
it's gone all wrong again.
This room is old and wise
I fall onto the bed and wonder,
"How did I get here?"
The little boy who would argue with a tree
just fucking thump his head
and he'll turn back to normal.
Now why is that what I see?
Don't bother trusting
don't bother waiting
don't bother changing things that won't give into changing
just let me go away.
I'm packed
whenever
I'm down
whenever.
Let's go.
Yes, let's go.
Sorry for this extremely long and depressing entry guys. There's more to all of this but I just had to get some things off my chest.
It's "that" time of the year and I always get nostalgic around the time of New Year's Eve...it's a time I always find myself thinking back in my life and analize my development, my changes, the world, myself, my feelings towards the world and the feelings towards myself.
I apologize, in advance, in case my ideas seem desorganized somehow and if there's spelling errors...got lots of things on my mind right now so...excuse me for that in case it happens.
Well...I am tired, exhausted and drained.
I'm tired of feeling this empty. This hollowness I feel, and that I've ALWAYS felt, ever since I remember being, is reaching the breaking point. Ever since I can remember I've felt like there was always something big missing inside of me, that I've always lacked something, that I was never good enough for anyone or at anything. I've always felt like I could never be as good as other people are at whatever they'd do or say, no matter how hard I'd try...that I'd always be inferior, lesser, lacking.
Sometimes I try to be successful at whatever I say or do, sometimes it comes naturally and I'm successful but, most of the times, I feel like it's not good enough and I just give up because I just can't seem to be able to believe or see myself reaching that goal, whatever that goal may be. I just don't think nor believe I'm ever that good.
I don't know but I think this is because I've always felt that my mother compared me to my brother and my brother would always be the best one, regardless of his flaws...while I'd be the brat, the flawed one. My brother used to be a severe drug addict and she'd STILL compare me to him...even once saying "Not even your brother on drugs would be like this"...and why she said it? Because my bedroom was messy. There's a lot more to this but I won't go there now. Anyway, I've always felt like my mother loved my brother much more than she loved me, and I'm still convinced she does, he was always the one who'd get the "Oh poor boy, he suffered so much with the drugs" treatment and excuse every behavior he'd have because of it while I'd always be the "brat, bad tempered, flawed, less lovable" one when my behaviors, although not always nice or corrected, but not exactly THAT serious as well (I'd talk back, be messy in my bedroom, forget to do certain tasks in the house). So I've always believed she loved him more than she loved me...and when I found a letter from her to my brother saying, literally, that HE was the number one person in her heart...that just devastaded me and I cried the entire afternoon. Why? Because, to be honest, I've never EVER felt loved, not once...I don't know what that is, to be loved. So, the one person that I felt I had any chance of being loved by, my mother, put me to second place...and that's pretty much how I've always felt and still feel today, that I'm only second to others...wich is, probably, why I always put others before myself in everything.
My family and I went through some really really rough times due to many and various circumstances and reasons and no one EVER asked or cared about me, how was I dealing with the dramas, etc, it was ALWAYS about them, them, them, them...and I was only allowed to stay put there, fullfill THEIR emotional needs while mine were being thrown to the garbage can. I gave all that I could and never received in return...I can't do it anymore, I'm falling apart more and more as time goes by because I had so much taken from me that now I don't have enough to sustain myself.
Then of course being mocked in school didn't help and made it worse. Always keeping everything that would happen to myself because, well, at home they woulnd't really care. I've always felt as if I was alone in the world, facing things alone, keeping things locked up inside of me, carrying all the weight alone...always alone in everything! I always supported everyone but no one supported me.
I've never felt that I mattered to anyone or anything...never! So this leads to this need of trying to get people to recognize my existence (since it wasn't recognized during my "founding years", so to speak), craving for attention...basically, trying to matter, to have SOME meaning for someone. It's that "talk bad or talk good but, at least, talk about me" thing...indifference is what it feels like a knife cutting through my heart because of all the open wounds that never healed and only grew bigger and infected.
I've always had this intense and deep sorrow inside of me that I can't completely explain why it is there. Even in my earliest memories I remember feeling this. When I was 4/5yo I'd have these rage fits and I'd start screaming and crying that should've never been born and that I wanted to die...this can't be healthy nor "normal" for a 4/5yo kid! I don't know where this ever present, deep sorrow truly comes from...it's always been there all my life, always been my most silent and intimate, yet "deadly", companion.
From, at least, a year ago I've started to feel like I'm really and truly breaking apart...it's been too much and I'm tired. I want to stop feeling like this but I don't know how. I want to matter but I just can't stop feeling like I don't. Yes, things can change but this is so deep that I feel as if it's not a PART of me anymore, that it took over and became ME!
I've tried to hold on, I've tried changing, I've tried to put it behind me...nothing's worked. Is it worth it? To continue bearing this overwhelming pain? Is it worth it to live life only feeling like you exist but don't matter?
I must do something (I think I know what I have to do but I don't think I have the strength) 'cause if I continue on this path it won't lead to a good place. I feel that I'm on the verge of completely falling apart for good, I feel like I keep fighting to keep swimming but I'm still about to drown.
Currently, many are still demanding from me but I already gave them all I had. My brother is dealing with his guilty conscience and is pushing me too hard for what I can give now, my mother is dealing with her own extremely fucked up psyche and keeps reminding me to support my brother (see? the pattern still continues), my father is depressed and even told me to my face that he thinks every now and then of killing himself (and both my mother and my brother keep reminding me to support him) and then my friends and their issues. I am NOT in condition to deal with this...I am done! But at the same time, I feel the weight of the guilt for not being able to be there for them...I just don't know what to do...'cause either way I try to go, it's a no win situation.
I just wanna ask them...what about me?
This song is hard for me to listen to because it hits home directly, it's how I feel:
A blackout in the room again
a busted lip and broken skin.
I wake up in the bathroom
and dare not bother asking
why the mirror's craked and all I see
are shards of glass inside of me.
There's voices there to dare me,
my father's here to scare me.
My mother sits beyond the door she's
curled up crying on the floor,
look at what her son's done.
When the weight of all the world's gone wrong.
It's gone wrong again.
Gone fucking wrong.
It's gone wrong again.
Well liars they leave a guilty trail.
And let me tell you something people,
I've been lying for fucking years.
That must be why I'm standing in this space.
Disregarding that I've created these monsters
they're on fucking both of my sides,
So I wipe the blood from both of their eyes.
From all four of their eyes.
And while I wait for wounds to heal
I see you by the window sil,
your heart's torn out
a plastic spoon
when honesty lit up that room
so I stole the pillowcase to clean
this mess I've made of someones dream.
Now you've seen what I've done,
when the weight of all the world's gone wrong.
It's gone wrong again
gone fucking wrong
it's gone all wrong again.
This room is old and wise
I fall onto the bed and wonder,
"How did I get here?"
The little boy who would argue with a tree
just fucking thump his head
and he'll turn back to normal.
Now why is that what I see?
Don't bother trusting
don't bother waiting
don't bother changing things that won't give into changing
just let me go away.
I'm packed
whenever
I'm down
whenever.
Let's go.
Yes, let's go.
Sorry for this extremely long and depressing entry guys. There's more to all of this but I just had to get some things off my chest.