I'm Worried I'll Cheat On Her

[mike_n_herrin]

You may love her and she may love you, but if you can't be yourself while you are with her the marriage will not work. If you have progressed to the point of talking about marriage you should have told her by now that you are bi or at least bi curious. Some bi guys can live happily with either sex and never look back. Others can't. If you are one that can't then that is another reason not to marry her. Either way that doesn't mean you don't love her. It just means you two don't fit well enough for it to work for the next 40, 50 etc years.

 

[Kyanimal]

Throughout my teens, and into my late twenties, I was doing what I was "expected" to do, and dating (laying) all the hot chicks I could get my hands on! I nearly married 5, or 6, of them!

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't being a total "slut puppy", while in a serious relationship, and I really did, honestly, and sincerely, CARE for my girls! I truly did LOVE them! And ... that's why I DIDN'T Marry any of them!

You see ... I knew I was Gay since I was about 10, or so. And, while there were many Chicks, there were also a few Guys along the way, too! When things got to the Really SERIOUS point, Marriage, there was NO Way I felt I could subject my Girls to the inevitability that I was likely going to cheat on them with a Dude! And, I just KNEW that was likely going to happen, and I couldn't live with the thought that I would, knowingly, put them, our families, and me, through that!

So ... in my very late twenties, I finally "came out" to Myself, and my friends. That's when I met "My" Kev! We had NO idea what we were starting on that first night together! And, nearly 23yr. later, after melding our families, buying a house, helping raise three of his nephews, and GAWD!, so much more, the two of us couldn't be Happier! IF I could legally Marry Him, I would!!

So ... your questions should be ... how strong are these feelings you're having for Guys? How much do you Truly LOVE your Girl? (Enough to NOT Marry her?) And, what do you think you Really want your own Future to be??

Of course ... no matter what ... be True to Your HEART! ... and ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[braex27]

I reckon you should just tell her you're bi. It is different to pose hypotheticals. People don't really fully assess how they feel about something unless and until it confronts them.

 

[Seasoned]

But I want to marry her, and I love her. I just need some advice.

PM me and I'll tell you my story: my wife, my two kids, gloryholes, sneaking out of the house, bathhouses, boyfriends, etc. Now happily partner, but talk about guilt. Good luck to you.

 

[JSB_01]

I think you should be honest with her, even if you don't do anything with a guy. If you do marry, and she later finds gay porn on the computer, how exactly will you explain that? Do you honestly think these feelings will go away? You can't live this double life with someone you love. Out of respect for her and her feelings, honesty would be the best policy.

 

[JSB_01]

I would have no problem telling her if i was confident she wouldn't ask me if i wanted to be with a man. I would have to tell her yes and she'd leave me even if i swore up and down not to act on it. The fact that i want to would hurt her very much. She'd blame herself i just know it. That is why i want to get rid of the urges or control them better or something. I would tell her with confidence i was bi and only wanted to be with her. I can't say that right now you know? How terrible is it to cheat just once? Does it make sense to do it once to be able to move on? Or it that naive logic?

I believe that is naive logic. Cheating is a disgusting thing to do. Even if she never found out, you would have to live with it for the rest of your life. And if you're okay with that, then you need to take a good, long look at yourself and question how much you really love her. Look, a huge part of a relationship is based on trust. Cheating would pretty much destroy that.

If you have always felt this way (about men), then it's pretty safe to say that these feelings will not go away. I know that I cannot turn off who I am attracted to, and I don't know any person, man or woman, gay or straight, that can. You are who you are. I personally believe that a successful relationship should be based on acceptance. You need to love the person for the what you perceive to be good and for what you perceive to be bad. She may not, and most likely will not, like the fact that you are bisexual. But if she cannot love you for you, then you have to question whether or not she is the one.

In the end, I think you should be 100% honest. This will only come back to haunt you in the end. Even worse, you may hurt her very badly if you marry and she finds out later. Again, this involves her future as well. To go into this with skeletons in your closet is not wise. You must think of her well-being as well as your own.

 

[rthreez]

I started dating a girl recently and she is very religious. We started talking and eventually she found out that I am bisexual. Before she knew we had a conversation where she stated that she could never date a bisexual guy. All that aside we are still dating. I feel that her feelings for me are much stronger than her damnation of bisexuals. So, I feel that you should tell her that you are bisexual or at least that you have been attracted to other men. If she stays it is meant to be but if not life goes on. I know that is extreme but you can cheat and ruin your future marriage or you can live a dishonest one and either way you will feel in turmoil. I could have lied to my girl but I value honesty above all else. But I hope you are able to weigh the pros vs. cons and make what YOU feel is the best decision.

 

[tommyj]

I would have no problem telling her if i was confident she wouldn't ask me if i wanted to be with a man. I would have to tell her yes and she'd leave me even if i swore up and down not to act on it. The fact that i want to would hurt her very much. She'd blame herself i just know it. That is why i want to get rid of the urges or control them better or something. I would tell her with confidence i was bi and only wanted to be with her. I can't say that right now you know? How terrible is it to cheat just once? Does it make sense to do it once to be able to move on? Or it that naive logic?

Dude, you cant get rid of the urges. So thats off the table. You going to have to tell her - otherwise you are setting yourself up for a life of lying, hiding, cheating. OK, if you tell her and she departs, then thats on her. She has to love you for who you are. I cannot believe she would be so sexually egocentric to think your bisexuality was her fault! Tell her to come on here and see what its all about!!

 

[Elwood]

Hi, take this advice from someone who has been there, done that, and has the t-shirt!

In my opinion you have some serious thinking to do. You have to figure out what you want, if you are even considering cheating on her before you get married then don't marry her!! Do you actually think that if you get it over with (sex with a guy) that it will be the end of these feelings? I can say from experience that it won't, over the years they will only intensify. When I got together with the mother of my children I remember thinking to myself Ok that is it no more thinking about guys, well guess what that lasted about 6 months, It eventually got to the point that I could not handle it anymore, and I was leading a miserable life. So after 12 years of being together and having kids, we separated and a year later I came out of the closet.

Don't get me wrong I am not saying you are gay or even the same thing will happen to you. But from what I have read from your post's my alarm bells are going off big time. I think you really have to sit down and think what you are going to do and what you really want in life. I think you have to honest with her, at the same time being honest with yourself.

 

[bluedragon4]

You won't be able to have your cake and eat it to in this situation. You won't be able to stay faithful no matter what you do.*You ARE gonna hurt her one way or another. You need to be honest with her and see where that leads. Hiding and cheating is just gonna destroy her and you.

 

[JNewYork]

How much do you Truly LOVE your Girl? (Enough to NOT Marry her?)

That is deep! That is the answer.

 

[JNewYork]

Dude, I really feel for you. You are not in an easy situation.

When I was in college and struggling sexually, I would think that I would get a girlfriend. Then I'd have worry that I'd be cheating and untrue. Eventually, I just found what I really wanted, which was men.

I don't envy you and I really don't have the answers. But I would suggest a few sessions with a counselor to work it out.

 

[Elwood]

Okay if I tell her what am i supposed to say? I'm having urges to be with a man, and it's nothing you caused. I love you and want to be with you, but I can't marry you right now feeling this way? I'm pretty sure that'll end our relationship.

I do love her enough to not marry her, but I am praying this is not the answer. I really think i am fucked here. I don't want to hide something from her but i don't want to lose her to go after something that i know nothing about.

The problem being is you know nothing about it? Don't you think you owe it to yourself to find out before you make a lifelong decision?? What if you are gay? Would it not be better to end the relationship now (If you figured out you were gay) or marry her and be miserable and run around cheating on her because you can not control your desires. Like I said I am not saying you are gay, only you know that, but your posts remind me a lot of myself a few years back. Again I think you have a hell of a lot of thinking to do before you even consider proposing to her.

I think JNewYork has a good idea try counselling it worked wonders for me.

 

[jalbertmendoza]

Hi. I have been married for 2yrs. We have a baby. Until there was a time that my secret have been discovered by her. I thought that our relationship is over. I beg her for another chance, coz i love her and shes the only girl in my life(been a lot of guys though). She accepts me for what i am now. But i hope that the other chance she gave will not be broken.

 

[vetterx021]

Based on her reactions she would never be open to mmf even if she knew how much i wanted to do it. And if i told her i was bi she would just worry she wasn't enough for me and take it personally. She may even leave me. I dunno how to explain that i want to fuck men without making her cry or slap me. I love her, but after i tell her something like that chances are she won't understand how.

Hate to be blunt, but that's more than enough to say it wasn't meant to be

I can understand the possibility that you might be psyching yourself out, but the issue goes beyond that. You are bisexual, and if she's not open to that then she's not the one for you.

So now you have two options:

1) You tell her you're bi and see how she responds. This is a MUST if you plan on entering a healthy marriage with her. If you try to hide it forever, it'll eat away at you and what you go through in the future will be infinitely more agonizing than what you're going through now.

Tell her that you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her. If it was meant to be, she'll accept that

2) You leave her and find another girl who will be able to accept your bisexuality. It may hurt to let her go, but you can't deny yourself and your desires. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to do that.

Good luck, dude!

 

[red1979]

My advice is this: don't come onto a message board looking for permission to do something you already feel is wrong. If you can't give yourself permission to do something you obviously really want to do then seek professional help. Either you admit to yourself that this is something that feels right for you and you do it or you admit that these feelings don't belong in your relationship and you seek professional help in resolving these feelings in a healthy and constructive way. The fact that your attractions are to a gender opposite that of your significant other is neither here nor there. A man in a commited relationship to a woman having thoughts about other women is in pretty much the same situation and it should be handled the same way.

 

[mike_n_herrin]

Buddy I am truly sorry for how this turned out. I really really am. I personally don't know either of you, but if that is how she reacted and treated you then any number of times in the future could have been exactly the same and no fault of your own. If after a little bit of time she still can't cope then it really wasn't meant to be. People who truly love each other can get angry and mad at one another, but they can also forgive one another and move on. There is nothing to forgive in this case. you did not string her along for four years no matter what she says. you do love her and you told her that and the last four years were real. i know this sounds like a crock, but you will feel better in time and hopefully she will also. If she really loves you she will accept you for who you are. If she doesn't or can't she didn't love you. She cared for you a great deal, but not love. I wish i could give you a hug right now and a shoulder to lean on, but these words are the best I can do.

- mikey

ps you may want to start a thread in the other bi/coming out/relationships forum. there are a lot of folks there who have gone through similar situations and they are great folks to listen and talk to.

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=70

 

[Kyanimal]

simpleguy ...

I am Truly Sorry to hear that! But I KNOW, and I realize this is a Very Difficult time for You to fully understand, this is all a "Good Thing", for BOTH of You!

If you can not be fully Honest, with the person that you are hoping to share the rest of your Life with, then neither of you will ever find True Happiness ... Ever!

NOW, though, that you've taken this HUGE step in your Life, both of you are free to find your own paths to Your True Happiness!

Yes ... she is going to be "vengeful", "hateful", and down right "unpleasant". And, no one can really blame her for what she is feeling right now. She thinks, and feels, that her entire world just crumbled to dust all around her. But, what she, and indeed You, too, have not yet realized, is that Both of you have reached a new plateau of Freedom! And, THAT is not a "Bad Thing"!

The alternative was living the rest of your Lives in deceit! Your having a deep "secret", and her denying, or being blissfully unaware of, your inner turmoil. Which, eventually, would more likely have led to an even Bigger melt-down! And, not only for the two of You, but also for your families, and friends.

Believe it, or not, this current "dust up" is the much more preferred alternative. It's going to take TIME for both of you to realize that ...

You're both still quite Young! Both of you have a lot of Time to get through this current situation, and continue on to realize all of your True Dreams! I'm predicting that it won't be all that long, if you should desire, that the two of you can be "at least" good friends again.

Always be True to Your Heart!! It will very rarely ever lead you wrong!!

I am, of course, wishing You, and Her, ALL of my Very Best!

And, keep in mind, that no matter what ... seriously, and sincerely ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[El Divo]

Ok so I don't want to be cliche and say what everyone else have said, but I have to lol.

I believe that if you truly love her yet have strong feelings for men. You should tell her that you are a bisexual male. Be honest.

It will beneficial for you and her.

That conversation can go 2 ways, either she say it's over and leaves, or she accepts it and move forward with the relationship.

Of course you don't want to lose her. When gay men come out to the world, they don't want to lose relationships, but they might have to if they wish to enjoy a comfortable lifestyle.

Buddy, I say you know they answer, everyone has given you more than enough advice.

 

[bluedragon4]

You sound like a great guy and you did the right thing.