I'm Worried I'll Cheat On Her

[JNewYork]

Congratulations on doing what's right.

Your girlfriend was cruel to have reacted like that, but I guess she was thinking only from her point of view.

You're a brave man, a good man, a righteous man, an honest man.

 

[sumyungguy]

I told my gf how i have been feeling, and she left me. I told her in the most delicate, loving, honest way i knew how and the outcome was no different then what i had feared. She cried and then eventually started screaming at me and the more i explained and answered her questions the more upset she got. Finally I realized I was getting no where after I truthfully answered NO to her question of if i thought about men when making love to her and she threw a book at me and then began crying uncontrollably. I left after that because I couldn't stop her from crying or calm her down or make her understand anything i was saying. All she heard was that i was pretty sure i was bisexual and i was having doubts about getting married right now. That is a lot to take all at once i know which is why i left and gave her some time to digest it all.

When I came back she was very straight faced and direct when she told me she hated me and i was a lying piece of shit who wasted 4 years of her life. She also added that she had no idea what kind of support i expected her to give me when i had lied to her and strung her along all while secretly fantasizing about men. I tried to correct that statement but she didn't want to hear it.

I stayed with my folks yesterday after i told her and i am staying with them again today. A friend is going to grab some of my things and bring them to me tomorrow and i guess i'll just see what happens from there. I'm pretty numb right now. In shock. I can't even wrap my head around what i have just done. I haven't cried even but i feel like it could come at any time.

I don't want to encourage anyone to believe that my situation is a good reason to not tell people you are bi. Or that every girl will react like that. I am just saying what happened.

I expected that to happen but it was better you let her know before you actually went through with it. It's SO not your fault dude and PLEASE don't beat yourself up about. She (like the majority of the world) wasn't ready to accept what you wanted and kinda needed for yourself.

 

[heyjaymike99]

wow, tough situation. I've been on the opposite end sort of in that I was/am the guy who someone like you cheated with. I can honestly say that its not fair to you, her, him or any kids that you guys might have together. Honesty is necessary for relationships to work and if you enter a marriage keeping that secret it's doomed to failure. these things always have a way of being revealed and she will eventually find out.

 

[Kyanimal]

Congratulations on doing what's right.

Your girlfriend was cruel to have reacted like that, but I guess she was thinking only from her point of view.

You're a brave man, a good man, a righteous man, an honest man.

AMEN! to That!!

And, no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

And, now, simpleguy, I'm curious about your Mom's reaction to all of this. Does she Know the Real reasons for your break up??

 

[arealis]

It's a very honest move that you've made, but life can seem unfair at the moment. Yet, hang on in there, it certainly beats being *found out* few years into the marriage, which is all the more unfair to everyone. Lets pray that the girl sees the light in this too.

Anyways, perhaps you can do some damage control by asking some of your friends who are close to the girl, to help her reason the whole issue out? And help her see that you, being honest and courageous, did not want to betray the trust in the relationship, and that was why you had spoken to her?

Perhaps it'll work, perhaps not. I wish you all the best. But really, that move is right. I came out because I didnt wanna hurt anyone, or to perforce pretense upon myself for the rest of my life.

Hang on in there. The rainbow gets its name because of the rain. You'll see it through time.

 

[mj2006a]

One question I have... Have you been meeting guys? How much time has this "fantasy" taken over your life?

Let me tell you what? There is no way of controlling your urges until you realize what leads you there. You do need some counseling. You may be surprised to realize you are not bi at all. Or you may realize you are bi/gay whatever. First find out your issues and what leads to your urges. We are animals and will have sexual urges.. yet, we are quite different than a dog..we have responsibilities and respect towards others. Try counseling. May God bless you with a good one.

You are in a good position. It is better to figure this out prior to getting married. I know first hand of what I am saying.

 

[nate78]

Simpleguy, not to sound condescending or anything of that nature, I really am proud of you. I don't know you at all, but you did the absolute right thing. You were honest and fair to yourself and the her. I am sorry it worked out the way it did, but you took the high road, and you should feel very good about yourself. You didn't lead her on or waste 4 years of her life; you were growing and learning about yourself and this is what you discovered. If you speak to her again, tell her that as painfull as it was for both of you, you spared eachother much more pain in the future. You were so brave to tell her, knowing that you may lose her in the process. Someone is going to be very lucky to call you their boyfriend someday. Good luck man.

 

[heyjaymike99]

I told my gf how i have been feeling, and she left me. I told her in the most delicate, loving, honest way i knew how and the outcome was no different then what i had feared. She cried and then eventually started screaming at me and the more i explained and answered her questions the more upset she got. Finally I realized I was getting no where after I truthfully answered NO to her question of if i thought about men when making love to her and she threw a book at me and then began crying uncontrollably. I left after that because I couldn't stop her from crying or calm her down or make her understand anything i was saying. All she heard was that i was pretty sure i was bisexual and i was having doubts about getting married right now. That is a lot to take all at once i know which is why i left and gave her some time to digest it all.

When I came back she was very straight faced and direct when she told me she hated me and i was a lying piece of shit who wasted 4 years of her life. She also added that she had no idea what kind of support i expected her to give me when i had lied to her and strung her along all while secretly fantasizing about men. I tried to correct that statement but she didn't want to hear it.

I stayed with my folks yesterday after i told her and i am staying with them again today. A friend is going to grab some of my things and bring them to me tomorrow and i guess i'll just see what happens from there. I'm pretty numb right now. In shock. I can't even wrap my head around what i have just done. I haven't cried even but i feel like it could come at any time.

I don't want to encourage anyone to believe that my situation is a good reason to not tell people you are bi. Or that every girl will react like that. I am just saying what happened.

simpleguy, im sorry to hear that her reaction was so bad. The things is, is that while you know your own feelings for her, we can never know the feelings she has for you. all we can do as humans is to take the other persons words and actions as a sign of how they truly feel. I will say that if someone truly loves you then they should be willing to work with you to figure out how to make things work or at least be understanding of the struggle that you are having with your feelings and desires. but at least you know that you did the right thing in being honest with her, and thats all you really can do. if she realy loves you, maybe the time apart will give her time to think about that love and the relationship and what se is willing to do to hang onto it and you. good luck, simpleguy and keep your head up, after all you did what was right.

 

[mike_n_herrin]

Folks, in case you noticed some unrelated side issues have come up regarding the OP. We hope to have resolved shortly.

 

[MisterMajestic]

My recent solution to this has been to test my girlfriends openness to a threesome. That way i could be with a man without hurting her. Well turns out she is very closed off to the idea. When I told i thought it would be hot to see her get fucked by another man, she got offended and that little bit of honesty landed me on the couch that night. Also when I made up a story about a girl i knew thinking it was hot to see two guys having sex she just scoffed and said to each their own but that is gross. So yea, that's never gonna happen.

It's a very good thing you told her you are Bisexual...The Fact that you would even SUGGEST she get Fucked by another guy was reason enough for her to be VERY upset....Real Love in a Committed relationship does not involve a 3rd-party...NEVER, EVER...

4yrs is a long time to be with someone...Thank goodness you were Man enough to tell her the Truth.....In your heart you know she deserves the BEST husband because of the type of good woman that she is..You can't give her that... Let her go and find happiness....I hope your path in life brings you happiness...

 

[shadow4u]

I told my gf how i have been feeling, and she left me. I told her in the most delicate, loving, honest way i knew how and the outcome was no different then what i had feared. She cried and then eventually started screaming at me and the more i explained and answered her questions the more upset she got. Finally I realized I was getting no where after I truthfully answered NO to her question of if i thought about men when making love to her and she threw a book at me and then began crying uncontrollably. I left after that because I couldn't stop her from crying or calm her down or make her understand anything i was saying. All she heard was that i was pretty sure i was bisexual and i was having doubts about getting married right now. That is a lot to take all at once i know which is why i left and gave her some time to digest it all.

When I came back she was very straight faced and direct when she told me she hated me and i was a lying piece of shit who wasted 4 years of her life. She also added that she had no idea what kind of support i expected her to give me when i had lied to her and strung her along all while secretly fantasizing about men. I tried to correct that statement but she didn't want to hear it.

I stayed with my folks yesterday after i told her and i am staying with them again today. A friend is going to grab some of my things and bring them to me tomorrow and i guess i'll just see what happens from there. I'm pretty numb right now. In shock. I can't even wrap my head around what i have just done. I haven't cried even but i feel like it could come at any time.

I don't want to encourage anyone to believe that my situation is a good reason to not tell people you are bi. Or that every girl will react like that. I am just saying what happened.

She's just not the right girl.....Don't give up there is someone out there that can understand you and that is the person you want to be with. I have been married for over 11 years and my wife knows I'm Bi. We even watch gay porn together.

 

[ericwhitney]

you're a frickin rock star, dude, even if you feel like a goat.

 

[Design]

Sorry to hear about the outcome dude, but wouldn't it be best to be with someone that accepts you for being you?

 

[jdbadboy]

But I want to marry her, and I love her. I just need some advice.

That was advice. Did you want advice or do you just want someone to tell you what you want to hear.

I think you need to decide if you are going to live without being with a man for the rest of your life or take some time off and explore your sexuality. (PS, this is the advice part)

 

[wilecoyote]

Sorry to hear about what happened, but I agree with those who think you did the right thing. Despite your fears, you were brave and honest.

Being dishonest would have come to no good and the pain further down the road would have been greater for you, her, your families and children.

And although everything is still fresh right now, you don't know what the future holds, but at least it will begin with honesty. Maybe she will come around to accepting your being Bi, maybe you can be friends, maybe none of the above.

Sounds like you are dealing with quite a lot. I hope you're doing OK.