In a relationship with an older man... need some serious advice...

[rickycub87]

OK, this could be a long one but for those of you who can stick with it and read this through any help would be greatly appreciated. I'll start out by saying I'm 22, just "came out" to a couple close family members and a friend a year or so ago and just started really dating and seeing people in the last 12-14 months. I've done the hook up thing, met some good friends and such, but the first long-term relationship I've had so far is with the guy I'm currently seeing. I've been seeing him for 4 months now and have been practically spending 80-90% of my free time with him. Visiting areas around my town that I've never visited, dining at the best restaurants, having the best cooked meals (he's a great chef by the way), filling the day with talks and laughter and just learning the most about each other as we possibly can. Add a consistent sexual relationship on top of that and this would appear to be the greatest thing that's ever happened to me romantically... and this isn't one of those "we just get along when we're not fucking" things, either. The sex life is there but it doesn't overpower the wonderful feeling of having someone there next to you when you wake up in the morning that you can talk to and share all the best and worse things about your life with. So what's the problem here? I'm afraid the age gap here is not only shocking, but it could be destroying a lot of other relationships I have in my life with friends and family. I'm only 22, and he is 65...

I made the poor mistake of changing my status on Facebook this week - 4 months into this - from "single" to "in a relationship" just so he wouldn't think I'm hiding anything. So now my friends and family are constantly asking about my relationship and turn very awkward when I don't tell them a bunch of details. I don't think even the ones who know I'm out would understand this kind of age-gap in a relationship. It seems to be driving this huge gap between my other friends and family because they think I'm being very secretive for no reason and they all want to meet him / know details that I'm not comfortable sharing. It's not that I'm embarrassed, I just don't think anyone would understand.

I'm also a bit worried that I'm setting myself up for a horrible breakdown. Because as good as this can be, whether our interests match or not, he is that much older and while currently in good health he could go very quickly and I would be setting myself up for a short-term happiness. Is it even healthy to carry on this kind of a relationship long term? I don't feel weird about talking with him, relating to him, or doing anything with him but the age thing is there and could really affect certain aspects of our lives quickly.

By the way, not to jump off topic or over-emphasize on this one aspect, but although he's 65 the sex is perfect. I have been with guys in their 20's, 30's and 40's too and this guy just tops them all. It is so passionate and I think the fact that we have such a connection outside the bedroom makes the sex that much better...

Anyway, any help on this topic in any form would be appreciated. Like I said, this is making my life more meaningful than any other relationship I've had thus far, and I just don't know how to manage it from the outside, and how to determine if this is what I want my first long-term relationship to be like... thanks ahead of time for any help you guys can offer.

 

[KaraBulut]

If you're happy and he's happy, then enjoy it for what it is and don't be so concerned about what other people think.

The only thing I would caution you on is the future. He may be one of those men who will be healthy and active into his 70s. But if you're considering a long term relationship, you do need to give some thought to what will happen if age begins to take its toll.

 

[Seasoned]

This sounds like a second coming out of sorts for you. You may be caring giving for him at some point. I don't know if I'd be accepting of this if you were my son or brother, but I would try. You know what you are facing as time passes. Unless something unusual would happen to you, you will survive him and probably still be a young man.

The issue here is genuineness on both your parts. If it's love you may both have to muster the courage to see it through. Some people won't understand or they'll question each of your motives.

I wish you well and hope you have supportive people to see you through this.

I'd be curious about his story--ever married, any children or grandchildren, previous relationships, etc.

Take good care of yourself. If you find yourself with no support I'd suggest a therapist to help with your thoughts and feelings

 

[IowaGuy]

I'd say be thankful you have found someone like this man that can share so much with you. Yes he may be older but so what? Both of you deserve happiness.

 

[chrmd1]

This is just my opinion... You say you are not embarrassed however it sounds like you are and you hide it behind "my friends wont understand" The one in the relationship is you not ur family not ur friends, if he makes you happy and you make him happy i dont understand what the problem is.
From what you say you have found an incredible guy who loves you and treats you splendid and who has stamina. Dont think about "what ifs" eventho he is older, it doesnt mean he is going to die soon, or he may not even be the first to go. Id say enjoy every minute of it if that is what u want.

 

[CallmeJake]

I'm in a very similar situation. I'm 19 and in a relationship with a 64 year old. Have known him for 9 months, but the age difference is one of the main reasons he doesn't think it would work out.
If he is really that important to you, just have a conversation with him about whether or not he would be comfortable with meeting your family/friends. Don't care what people might think, once they know what kind of guy he is they will be ok.

 

[rareboy]

Well the obvious answer is to delete your Facebook page and stop pulling down your pants in public.

Heavens to Pete.

Isn't anything allowed to be private anymore?

Sorry sunshine. If you believe that you have to inform everyone on the planet of your relationship status, you should have the balls to tell them who the lucky guy is.

 

[theriver]

I think it would be a terrible mistake to tell your family.
I personally dont judge and if youre both happy its ok , but I think it would take many years for your family to accept this relationship, and I also think you will be psycho analyzed a lot and have to listen to all kind of crap about why you like this "old man". It will take many many years for them to accept it and by then the relationship could have come to an end or your bf could be dead ( I know that sounds terrible). Its just not worth the pain.

In your situation I would tell them I changed facebook status as a joke or a mistake and then enjoy this relationship secretly and try not to get too involved since its really high risk.

I know this advice was quite harsh but I think people underestimate the social stigma in coming out gay and with 40 y age difference. If you are ONLY attracted to 60 y olds its a different situation, since you will find urself again and again in this spot, but otherwise, lets take it chill, refuse to answer questions, enjoy ur relationship, and if youd ever have another in the future with someone a little younger like 30-40 or something, tell your family.

 

[AlmondMilk]

You don't HAVE to put your relationship status on facebook. You can make it so it's gone from your info, so no one has to know if you're single, in a relationship, in a complicated relationship, etc. Facebook is pretty much a profile, a reflection on you, but that doesn't mean you have to put every single detail about your life there. It's nice to maintain some privacy, and he probably wouldn't have minded if that piece of info was left out.

 

[altlover85]

I think it's normal to have difficulty in adjusting to an age gap relationship. I'm 24, will be 25 this coming August, and currently in a relationship with my bf who is 70, will be 71 this coming September. We have been together for almost three years. Things are going well with him and I find that we have much in common and I go out with him to the bars and clubs about one weekend a month on average.

My family has been okay with things, but they still haven't formally met yet. This is due to the fact that he and I don't live together and that I have an extended family that is rather conservative which makes it awkward for me to set something up. I have to do a better job at making some sort of meeting happen. I've met his daughter and her children, but not his son and his son's children.

My family is also a little more used to the idea of an older younger relationship because of the major issues that they had with my ex who I met when I was 18 and lied about breaking up with. Because I was honest about my current bf and I am older I think my parents are more comfortable with the idea.

My advice is to take things at your own pace and check in with him on how he feels about meeting your family. If you feel you need to take the Facebook status down do it, but make sure you are honest with your family. If you lie about it, it will just make things worse.

I wish the two of you much luck and happiness!

 

[Georgiadude]

I am 43 my bf is 18. We have our issues but what relationship doesn't? In the end we love each other very much and that's what matters. I'm sure your family and friends would be quite surprised by the age difference and it seems like a lot of people cant understand what 2 people that far apart could possibly have in common. Since they don't understand it, they have a problem with it. My answer to that is "too bad." It's not their life, it's yours. Your the one that would be alone on holiday's, birthdays etc. Not them. You found someone that you love and loves you. You don't have to explain anything to anyone. If you choose to tell them don't get drawn into arguments and explanations. Be matter of fact about it and if they make a fuss....get up and leave. You deserve to be happy and you found someone that does just that.

Tell them only what you want them to know or what you think matters. If his age doesn't matter to you then it shouldn't matter to anyone else. I wouldn't even bring up age. "I met someone named ..... we have a lot in common and get along great. Both of us are very happy and I really don't have much more to say about it." End of discussion.

Steven.

 

[altlover85]

Great advice Steven, but unfortunately some people do ask about age so he still needs some sort of response to that, unless he says MYOB, but that can be tricky as well.

 

[igamenir]

My two cents - When someone says about how gayness is wrong, I reply that it doesn't matter if it's a boy or if it's a girl. And I said that myself quite soon and afterwards I said it to family, friends, collegues and they all accepted it well.

So does it matter if it's a youngster or penzioner? It is the same case. BUT when I was in relationship with 40 yo (in my 22), it mattered. It took me long to notice and accept that I'm actually ashamed of the difference and all the "not telling details about my partner because they wouldn't understand" was just a result of it.

I won't tell you what to do, noone can. But it's better to get all things straight and show your boyfriend to the family, or confest to yourself that you don't want to do that and you are ashamed.

 

[Georgiadude]

Great advice Steven, but unfortunately some people do ask about age so he still needs some sort of response to that, unless he says MYOB, but that can be tricky as well.

Thanks.

When people ask our age difference or give us that look. I just smile and say "I know, I know. But we are happy and have a lot in common." I leave it at that. If they continue I will say "we are happy together and I'd rather not discuss it any further." That way I've answered the question and I've let them know that I'm not going to talk about this any more. I'll talk about what we like to do and the fun we have but I will not talk about "the age thing" any more.

True story. I bought my bf. a puppy. We went for a walk and I took some pictures of them together. I went to Target to make a print and bought a nice frame. The lady at the photo counter looked at the pic and said "oh, you got your son a puppy." I said "he's my bf." She stood there for a second and had to pick her jaw up off the floor. She looked at me and I said "I know what your thinking and I've heard it before. We are happy and we care for each other, nothing else matters." She agreed and we continued our conversation like normal.

My advice is if they bring it up tell them about it and that it's not a big deal for you. Let them know you are happy together and leave it at that. Dont get drawn into discussions or arguments. Just repeat what you've said before. It will sink in. Let them meet him and see that he is a great guy and that the two of you are happy together. My bf. has talked to my mom on the phone and met my kids. The only reason he hasn't met my family is due to distance. They've seen pictures of him. After the initial age discussion happened it hasn't been discussed again. They will move on and you can put this past you.

Steven.

 

[Mike68]

Georgiadude your are sooooo blessed to have an 18 yr old boyfriend. What I would do to have one...

 

[Georgiadude]

Georgiadude your are sooooo blessed to have an 18 yr old boyfriend. What I would do to have one...

I am blessed to have him but I'd be blessed if he happened to be my age.

It's like any other relationship. Good times and bad. I don't love him because he's 18. I love him for who he is. Believe me. There are struggles. He's not out. He lives an hour away from me. Communication or lack of can be a huge problem. It all comes down to what is in his heart and mind. Doesn't matter what age the person is.

Steven.

 

[altlover85]

How do you handle it with him not being out? Is he just not out at all or just to some?

 

[Georgiadude]

How do you handle it with him not being out? Is he just not out at all or just to some?

not out pretty much at all. When we are in public we are just like 2 ordinary guys hanging out. We laugh and have a good time. We just don't show affection. I'm sure some suspect it but who cares. To some we are probably father and son. We've never been afraid to be together in public.

Steven.

 

[altlover85]

I'm glad you two are still able to make it work even though he's not out. I know it would be difficult for me to be with someone who wasn't out.