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In another mess!

M

mightbeinlove

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A couple of months ago, I met this guy online and was head over heels over him. It never worked out. I was all depressed and shit - some of you might remember my thread. I made it through the storm, so to speak but only to find myself in another mess. It happened just yesterday and I'm not quite sure how best to handle this.

Last week, I met a guy. We messed around but I guess we were both attracted to one another afterward. This time though, it was him who was more interested in me. I knew that I was about to leave the country and I told him so but I guess he didn't really care. At first, I thought that having someone to be with wasn't such a bad idea although there was a looming "expiration date". I kinda said "Yeah, let's hit it off and see where it leads us".

But the more I thought about that, the more I realized how unfair I was to other guy. So, he's been texting me everyday and we would also talk on the phone for the past week.

However, I have just spent 2 days at his place. I was introduced to some of his closest friends whom he has told them about me. I guess that confirmed his interest of me. They were all great people and I really enjoyed their company. They were people whom I definitely would love to hang out with again. I also met one of his recent ex (let's call him XYZ) whom was another awesome guy. We did have a "conversation" and I learned that they have broken up because XYZ admitted to the fact that he had trouble being faithful to one person. He was younger than me and we both agreed on how fantastic this guy was. They were the best of friends, and XYZ had hoped that this guy could find happiness with me - that happiness which he could not give. This guy whom was into me was one guy who absolutely believes in monogamous relationships, an ideal that I strongly believe in too. It was after this conversation that I realize my selfishness and the more I felt like I should not allow this to go any further.

So, I told this guy that perhaps we should be friends only. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him because I knew that I was not being fair and I knew that if anything, it will only be for a few months before I leave the country for good. I did not want to be in the way of him finding true happiness with someone. After he dropped me off at my place, I texted him to thank him for the awesome time we've had at his place, telling him that he was an awesome guy and whoever ended up with him would be the luckiest person. I told him that I felt lucky to know him and have him as a friend and hoped to hang out with him again.

He texted me back a few hours later saying he would still want to see me.

Am I doing the right thing here?
 
If your leaving the country for good, then yes you are doing the right thing not leading him on. If you plan on coming back explain to him that right now is not a good time but that when you come back that you would be interested in a relationship (if that is what you want). He sounds like a great guy, and so do you for worrying about this.
 
I actually got tears in my eyes reading. I'm not that sensitive either but I just found you to be so considerate that it struck me.

YES, you are doing the right thing. You sound like an incredibly warm and good and decent dude.

You can remain friends with him with no guilt on your part. You are one admirable man.
 
I would have to echo what JNewYork said in his post above.

I think you did the right thing in not leading him on. I don't know where your travels will take you or why but let me offer this true story.

A good friend of mine, Michael, met a guy in DC about a year and a half ago. The guy he met was from England and was studying in the U.S. but leaving in a month. Both guys believe in monogamous relationships. After Aaron left and went back to England, they continued to talk. They flew back and forth -- one came here one month, the other went there the next.

They continued this for more than a year and ultimately fell even more deeply in love. Michael and Aaron just got married last month in England; Michael moved to England and was able to get employment and they are both happy as can be.

I admire both you and the guy you met. You sound like great guys.
 
Of course you are. You've spelled out everything for him. IF he still wants to be either your friend or your boyfriend during that time, that's up to both of you. Do as you both see fit. :)

Lex
 
Thanks for all the reassurance!

For the past week or so, we've been texting each other back and forth throughout the day.

This is my first day and I am not sure of what to do. So I told him all that yesterday and he dropped me home yesterday evening. Should I text him today? Just to say hi? Or, do I wait a day or two before doing so?

I don't want him to think that I'm being rude or ignoring him or anything because I really do enjoy his company and his friends' company. At the same time, I don't want to lead him on......
 
well if you are leaving the country for good this could be ur last calling as if this is true love and you are made to be with one another then maybe he can come with you.
 
Just texted him a few minutes ago. I said hi (nothing lovey dovey) and he replied. :D

I guess we're still talking......
 
We have actually texted back and forth a couple of times this evening. I ain't sure when I'll hang out with him again because of my work commitments but I hope it will be soon enough.

noelie said:
Perhaps he actually sees you as a safe person to have a relationship with because he knows that you're leaving and so he won't get his expectations too high and get hurt again like he did with XYZ.
Click to expand...

You could be right. I was told by one of his closest friend when we hung out together that he had mentioned to him about my short time left here and his friend have assured me that he knows it well that I won’t be here long. His friend had also told me that this guy is one of those who “don’t really knows what he wants”.
 
if he knows what he's getting into then why do you feel like you need to spare his feelings? Are you sure this is 100% about him? We know how he feels about you, but really, how do you feel about him? Is he such a great guy that even for a few months, will it be something really special or would he just be another guy on your totem pole? Because if he is something special, maybe this is an opportunity to enjoy a great thing, even if it is for a short time. Also, you keep on mentioning about how you're afraid of hurting him, but how would you feel when you left him? Are you sure you're not afraid of feeling hurt yourself? If you won't feel that hurt then maybe you should just enjoy the chance of a good relationship no matter how short, just to experience it.
 
I'm really not sure what of what I want. Sometimes I'd think it's the fear of hurting him, of leading him on. Sometimes I question myself whether he is such a great guy and whether I really am attracted to him. Sometimes I tell myself I should just jump into it and experience this relationship.

I definitely have not been thinking of him as much since that night when I told him those stuff. I mean I hope to still see him but I am not sure how to deal with my feelings.
 
well it sounds like you're already getting over him. Maybe you should just get with him more often, but on a friends only basis, and if you feel like progressing things further then go for it. Just go with how you feel when you're around him and let the answer come to you, don't try to force yourself to choose whether to pursue him or not. If you get together with him more often and there are sparks, then you'll know your answer, but if you spend more time with him and don't feel anything, then just keep your relationship on a friends only level. I think you'll know how you feel if you just spend more time with him but only as friends. That way maybe you'll see a side to him that you didn't before that will help you decide if he's such a great guy.
 
I don't know if I am really getting over him just yet, but it's been a very hard-to-explain kinda day today. He was hardly on my mind while I was at work. In the past, I would have gone all crazy thinking and fantasizing about a guy.

When I got home, I called him on his cell phone but it went straight to his voicemail. I called a few times, and it still went to his voicemail. I texted him hoping that he would reply. It has been six hours and I am feeling rather concerned - I'm imagining things - he could have lost his cell phone, or the battery dead or something could have happened to him.

He called me last night and suggested we hang out on Monday. That's exactly why I called him today - to make plans for Monday but what's going on??!! I wish I knew....
 
Your being honest and up front about everything. YES, YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THINGS,ALL THE RIGHT THINGS.

You have nothing to feel sorry about or guilty. Your being a great human being.
 
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