In love with a buddy.

[subfer1]

Ok so, I have a friend with whom I've been in classes and sharing a lot of time in college since my sophomore year, now we're seniors and over this time I developed feelings for him. He is gay and we've gotten pretty close, but to be honest, I always suspected I was not his type. I started going to therapy earlier this year to overcome some self-esteem issues I had and it worked real nice, it really wore me out a couple of times, but he was there to at least keep me company after those tough sessions. He always wanted to know if I was in love with someone, but I never had the balls to tell him. I admitted that I was, but never told him of whom I was in love. Then after all the therapy, I decided that I needed to tell him, especially because he was getting very annoyed by the fact that I didn't want to say anything.
So I sent him a mail telling him everything. Then I texted him to tell him to read it and he replied that he had already read it, but that he didn't know what to say or if I actually expected him to say anything. That hurt, it just hurt that he'd be so cold about it. I didn't talk to him for like a day, then he started texting to see if I was going to show up to a class we share and I said that I would not because I wasn't ready. Then, I texted him saying that I was sorry I had kept all of what I had been keeping from him and he replied that he suspected it and that I could see it as narcisisism from his part, but that he had been in that position before and that he just wished I had said something before so that he could have prevented it from getting to the point it did. I was once again stricken, because not at once did he acknowledge the fact that I had confessed my love for him, to me, he was saying that he knew it and enjoyed the attention.
I decided that I wanted to see if I could save the friendship and so I asked him if we could try, he agreed quickly and we started seeing one another and have tried to go back to our old routine. The thing is, he has been dating a guy for some time and shortly after my confession, they turned it into a relationship. He invited me to a party at his place where they were spending their first night as a couple and it was kind of awkward, but I like his boyfriend, he's cool and pretty nice. Yet, after this party, he started shutting me out, sometimes he'll come to hang out with me and not even say anything at all, it's like he's not there. Then he'll get irritable and go off on me, he did that last wednesday and I had to leave him because of how angry it made me. Then he didn't speak to me until friday, when he pretended that nothing happened and tried to hang out like in the old days, but I just don't feel confortable with any of it. Then after that, he dissappeared from my radar and last night he started once again talking to me like all was cool.
This whole thing just frustrates me so much... I was there for him right after his mom died last year and after a tough break up this year. There was even one time when we had to share a bed and he hugged me, rubbed my chest and then when he felt me move, he pulled away and turned away from me... It's just so damned confusing and now it hurts me that he's shutting me out and that he has not said one thing that I have felt has really shown to me that he even cares about the feelings I am trying to relinquish for him. I wanted to mostly let it all out as it keeps bugging me, but if any of you has any suggestions, it would be great.

 

[MrBubulino]

yeah, just stop seing him for a while.

A friendship after love is the hardest thing to get. I've tried and it doesn't feel good. You can't be yourself if the other person has feelings for you or you have them...

And the longer you are by his side, suffering his lack of concern about what you're feeling, the worse it will be for you.

Sure, keeping distance will hurt. But it will hurt more to see months of your life wasted because of him. He doesn't deserve you, honestly.

 

[backpacker]

My guess is that something happened at the party that you may not realize or remember. It could be that he or his boyfriend picked up on how you were looking at your friend. Maybe your friend has decide it will be the best for you if he distances himself from you.

You need to find a boyfriend. Once you find someone who reciprocates your feelings, your romantic feeling for him will fade. Until it fades, it going to be very difficult to have a normal friendship with him. It's probably better that you limit your time with him for now.

 

[subfer1]

The thing is, I wasn't even close to him at the party. I brought a date and I actually was paying attention to my date... But he was being very weird since before that. And then again, they invited me to go clubbing with them this past saturday, but I declined.

 

[subfer1]

Well, things have been kind of calmer as of late. Yet, I know he is not one to speak about things, if I were to stop hanging out with him, he would not really try to find out what happen directly and I know it would just upset him and start an argument rather than an inquiry or a conversationg. The whole thing is just complicated, especially because we know so much about each other that it is almost as if we don't want to go into a discussion because we know how tremendous the clash would be.
Still, today he was the only escape I had for a while. I've been seeing this guy for about a month and today he took me to meet his friends; let's just say, his friends are too crazy and weird for me. I even heard one of them talking about how proud she was that she could take a fist up her pussy. So at one point, my friend (and crush) texted me about something and I replied with my situation and he even started trying to come up with a way to get there and save me from having to remain with that bunch. But, it wasn't really realistic, as he would have had to cross town to get there; however, it does make me feel that he wanted to help me out and that he cares about me, but it's just the fact that he does not show it so easily and that he shuts me out so much that makes me feel so awkward...

 

[JasunStrikesBack]

My best suggestion is to go put yourself out there... meet other gay guys.. find a gay club or team or group that does something you do and do it.

You'll meet plenty of other guys who share your interests and before long you'll forget all about your friend past anything as a friend.

 

[subfer1]

Believe me, I'm trying. The shitty part is that I am not much into the stuff that the gays who have clubs here do like. I'm a literature/video game geek and it's kind of odd. The funny part is that 2 guys who have recently kind of hit on me turned out to be friends of his too and then they both suggested double dates... I need to find a way of putting a little distance between us without offending him, but I still haven't quite figured it out...

 

[JasunStrikesBack]

Dude... there are a LOT of gay gamer groups. My brother and I used to play with a group of gay WOW players.

If I can find a group of gay men who ride motorcycles in LA, you can find a group of gay gamers online, at least.

That said... what is the gay community like in Costa Rica?

 

[subfer1]

I am looking for groups on literature boards, I'm more into lit than into games, to be honest. Gay groups here tend to be more like meeting spots for twinks who want to go clubbing, I used to ba part of one of the main ones and I got fed up with getting nasty comments from the other members because they wanted to get me to go get a haircut (I love my long hair) and because they only cared about Gaga's latest outfit while I was trying to start conversations about gay rights.
I saw my buddy today and he seemed pretty down. He asked if I wanted to catch a movie later (our code phrase to say "I feel like shit and I need your company") so I said ok, I just hope it's nothing serious that happened to him and that it implies that we might be going back to our old buddy-dynamics. Thanks for the advice though, I am looking for lit boards or groups, but can't seem to find any around my area. I'll let you know how tonight goes too.

 

[subfer1]

OK, so, I satarted looking into options for meeting guys with interests in literature around my area, but it didn't work. I didn't find any boards or anything. I had been seeing this guy since about a month and a half ago and he had been giving me mixed signals. However, a week ago, he just plain out told me he wasn't interested in me, after he saw a post on my facebook from my friend (the one who broke my heart) he told me that he wanted to meet my friend, because he seemed more attractive than me. I was like... Dude, wtf???
After I cooled off and ignored his following comments about why he thought my friend to be hotter than me, I told him that I felt we were just not on the same page and that we should not see each other again. I felt very proud of telling him off and putting him in his place, but later on, I just felt like once again I had been turned down on shallow terms. And also, I felt that the wound my buddy left when he broke my heart had been reopened.
I spent the week trying to not let it get to me, but my friends noticed it, even my buddy. He invited me to a couple things this week just to try and get me distracted, but they didn't quite work. I spent some time with him and his boyfriend, whom I really like, and yesterday his boyfriend and I ended up having some really nice conversations about work related stuff ( we both teach English) and it was quite relaxing. Yet, today, we met again for a friend's birthday party and my buddy's boyfriend got drunk kinda soon. So, they decided to leave, but when they were leaving, my buddy's boyfriend tells me "C'mon, Luis, let's go to my place for the night." So, I told him that I had a family party to get to later on and that it would be nice but I already had that and I didn't want to disappoint my family. So, he dropped it, but then, when he came to shake my hand to say bye, he started massaging my back, which felt amazingly good, then my buddy told him not to do that because I looked about ready to fall asleep from it. Then my buddy's boyfriend says again "C'mon, screw that party, let's go to my place." And I was like... Sorry dude, but I can't. So they left.
Then, everyone else at our table starts going "Oh, yes, Luis, let's go to my place so we can have a lot of fun the three of us in bed," or "C'mon, Luis, the three of us will be just great alone in my place." And then it hit me, he was being a little flirtatous, I didn't realize it, but I decided they were just being assholes. Still, it did feel kind of weird, and my buddy didn't seem that comfortable with it. Then later in the night, he didn't answer a text I sent him and it makes me feel weird... I don't even want to think that his boyfriend was actually implying anything by the invitation to his place... I don't know... I'm very confused now, especially because I really like the guy and his behavior hadn't seemed so flirtatous untill I actually analized his touchiness and word choice when my friends pointed it out... It's just confusing me a lot more than what I want to feel right now.

 

[texan_slant]

I know it's hard, cuz we've all been there;
I give you kudos for really stepping up to the plate to meet other people;

...however, your friend and his boyfriend give you some really mixed signals and also the drama to go along with it. If I were you, I'd pull away from them even more.

 

[Lube]

Yeah, this smells like trouble.

Get your crush out of your life ASAP. It will hurt at first but will be healthier in the long run.

In terms of local groups--somebody has to start one, right? If nobody took the initiative, no group would ever get started. So take the initiative and start your own.

 

[KaraBulut]

Your friend's boyfriend was drunk and it sounds like your friend was a little embarrassed by it.

The general rule is that friends forgive other friends for stupid things they do when they're drunk. And that's probably a good rule to honor here.

 

[subfer1]

I agree on both views. I think I need to really pull away from them for some time, and it hurts to even think about it, but as things are now, it seems like a needed pain. But, I do believe that my buddy's boyfriend was just a bit too drunk and that I should just ignore his behavior too. The part that does annoy me is this whole thing with them sending me mixed signals like that, it's so irritating, especially considering that I know my buddy rejected me because he isn't all that attracted to me physically. I guess I will have to find a way to keep our contact to the minimum and I'll just have to ignore yesterday's weirdness. Though I do hope to hear from him soon, it worries me how he may be feeling about his bf's drunkness...