In Love with a straight guy. What to do?

[spreadeagle]

Though this surfaces time and again on these boards IT IS NOT A GAY ISSUE.

Most people. regardless of their gender or sexual identity, fall in love, sooner or later, with another being who for reasons of gender, gender identity, sexuality, age, religion, race, species, marital status, blood kinship etc etc is not, and never will be available to them as a sexual partner.

Unrequited love can be painful and frustrating and can blight the possibility of future loving relationships. But since there's nothing to stop the situation arising again (in fact for some people choosing inappropriate lovers is a way of avoiding real issues) it's best that you learn how to deal with it early on.

I do not advocate the 'can't we just be friends' approach. Ninety-nine percent of the 'relationship' is happening inside your head. Regular contact with the beloved only provides material that fuels your over-heated romantic fantasies thus providing positive reinforcement that keeps you fixating on the beloved. Eventually the frustrated disparity between your fantasy and reality has you spiralling downwards into depression.

Love is not reality; throw away the rose-tinted glasses. There are thousands of men more handsome, witty, charming, considerate, richer better-endowed and available.

If you don't encounter any that doesn't mean you need be unhappy or unfulfilled. Far better a rich stimulating solitary life than one spend cringing like a beaten dog around the edges of some straight-mates love life waiting for some semi-digested gobbet of amatory attention to drop from his lips.

 

[Spensed]

^ It's not exclusively a gay issue. But it clearly is a gay issue at least for some gays.

It's a particular form of unrequited love that has elements in common with other forms and the unique element that it's same sex.

In a gay-straight situation, often the gay guy is predisposed to the frustrations and unhappiness of getting strung out on a straight guy out of homophobia, wanting to have a sexual relationship with a straight guy as a way of not wanting to be, or be seen as, gay, fear of actual same sex sexual intimacy that a platonic gay-straight obsession achieves, etc., etc.

Another component that may not be unique but is prevalent in a same sex context is that the straight guy often is unconsciously or consciously abusive. Flirting with the gay guy, enjoying the mixed signals and the attention, encouraging the intimacy and the friendship. All for a number of reasons, lack of awareness, flattery, undefined sexual intimacy boundaries, etc. And all with no possiblity of a happy ending, if the guy is straight.

Even a one sided relationship is really two sided. In most adult one sided love situations, the other party doesn't lead someone on at least not for so long, if he or she isn't the least bit sexually interested in him or her. That abusive element makes it all the more difficult for the doting gay guy (AKA the victim and/or the volunteer).

I agree with you that the friends solution doesn't work and, in the couple of cases that I was involved in, geography intervened to make that easy. But, if you don't change your attitude, you just repeat the situation with the next guy or the next unavailable gay guy. So I don't think you need have a dramatic breakup, but rather refocus towards leaving the initiative to call, etc., with him......saying no to being a third wheel......putting yourself around available gay guys, etc.

Once you start spinning other plates, the ones you were spinning around Mr Unavailable come crashing down. But don't worry, he won't notice.

 

[KaraBulut]

Though this surfaces time and again on these boards IT IS NOT A GAY ISSUE.

^ It's not exclusively a gay issue. But it clearly is a gay issue at least for some gays.

It's a particular form of unrequited love that has elements in common with other forms and the unique element that it's same sex.

You're both right.

Straight people get crushes all the time. And they get rejected all the time.

The problem with gay men is, in a world where only 5-7% of other guys are gay, there's another 95-97% of guys who are not into you. Most will never be into you. They are never going to like you in that way.

There is nothing wrong with crushes and unrequited love. It's a problem when they prevent you from finding and getting involved with one of the thousands of other gay guys that are wanting a relationship.

 

[RedRedKroovy]

^ I agree I've had the hots for someone who just didn't return the feelings...it feels real bad being shot down

You get pissed or embarrassed and move on

I want to ask a question....ok when I get the hots for someone its a girl I dunno if she is gay or not but there is kinda a built in factor that she's kinda not...so what is it about a straight guy that would make someone like fall for him?

 

[confusedboy23]

There is nothing wrong with crushes and unrequited love. It's a problem when they prevent you from finding and getting involved with one of the thousands of other gay guys that are wanting a relationship.

It is not always easy to get over crushes and unrequited love. It hurts like hell. I agree that it is only a problem when they prevent you from moving on but if it happens too often, it sometimes makes us wonder if we're destined to be alone. I don't doubt that there are thousands if not millions of gay guys out there looking for a relationship, but sometimes, it just feels like there is nobody out there. I wish you peace, and all the best in finding that dream guy of yours in the very near future.

 

[LostVegas]

To the OP and all those who have gone through this, I wholeheartedly feel your pain...it is the worst thing to go through. It not only wears on your heart but also mentally.

Bri

 

[DarthWufei]

Totally know this story all too well. I have a nasty overactive imagination. If I have some kind of contact with a nice and attractive guy I think up all of the craziest reasoning to justify that he's gay.

Most of the same advice has been given over and over. Just thought I'd further reinforce it. Just let it go, try to focus your thoughts elsewhere or if you have the nerve, just tell the guy. I find the easiest way for me to move is when I finally get thr truth told to me straight up and I know there's no chance for sure. That's a really tough road though and if the guy comes off rude... or aggressive it can do more harm than good.


That's usually not me though. I don't have the guts to talk with attractive guys, or well guys in general. Surprisingly even though I am a dude, been around plenty of them, I can't comfortably talk with any of them. So I usually just keepp quiet and chicken out of things like confessing.

 

[Spensed]

...With all one-sided relationships, what's in your head is not the reality, but a fantasy which leads to misery.

That's true, but, especially in a gay-straight situation with a friend, the straight guy often does actively participate in the fantasy.

Not in the sense of steering things towards sex, but going by going along and pushing what's often a close emotional relationship in a way that he wouldn't with a girl (unless she's his girlfriend) or with a straight male friend.

Like an abused wife, the gay guy is, at least sometimes, a victim as well as a volunteer.

 

[954dude]

Love him all you want, but if he's not attracted to men, keep your expectations and desires in check. I can't think of one person who hasn't been in your shoes. It always ends up in an emotional mess. Keep the friendship, because if he's a really good friend, this is a bond worth holding on to. Don't let your heart or passion rule you, think about the bigger picture and the long run.